to ask gps not to bring dd treats every week?

[familyfun]

dds behaviour is awful at the moment, she is 3.9 and doesnt listen, shouts, screams, tantrums, moans and whinges.
yesterday she had a major tantrum having her hair brushed whih involved her throwing herself on the floor and screaming so i said no treats after nursery and stucjk to it.
today another major tantrum about getting ready when she told me to stop bossing her around and went to the toilet and then sat on the carpet with a pooy bum so another bad morning so again ive said no treats after nursery.
so if gps visit and bring dd chocolate/books/toys which they do every week despite it being easter and dd having 10 eggs under the stairs aibu to say she cant have them till she behaves.
tbh it pisses me off that they buy all this anyway asdd is getting spoiled and has started asking people what they have brought her, i keep saying people dont have to bring her anything but its a losing battle as evey week more stuff arrives.
or do i just accept stuff and say she can have it when she bahaves herself.

she does get pocket money off them which she puts in her money box and we use for her swimming lessons as agreed with gps.
she loves them reading to her/playing with her and when they give her gifts she loves recieving them but then tends to put them aside and asks them to colour in with her instead.
its like her easter eggs, she loved getting them all but they are under the stairs and she hasnt mentioned them since, its the receiving she enjoys rather than the item.

So would pointing out how much she appreciates her grandparents playing with her help at all. I guess I'm just wondering if they are buying so many presents because they think the world of her and want her to love/like them. What would happen if you really emphasised how much she enjoys the playing/reading colouring? Would they feel less need to buy so much stuff?

YAB a bit U
I think you should let teh GPs treat the child - the punishment should come from you-not the GPs
secondly- I think you need to look at things from her POV a bit more.
She probably doesn't want her hair brushed because it pulls and hurts!!I have never known a little girl like having their hair brushed every time.
The ppoey bum thing- I'm sure she just doesn't think.Kids of 5 are often rubbish at wiping their bum(if they bother at all) and it just wouldn't occur to them not to sit on the carpet bare-bummed

i know it hurts having her hair brushed but it hurts worse when she pulls and ruffles it upside down with her hands and it drives me mad with her wailing and shouting.
i do think the gps just love her and want to show her that but money isnt love and i would much rather they just spent time with her, i love dd but i dont buy her a toy every week, equally i dont buy myself things every week.

I think they need to respect your wishes a bit more and they are doif her no favours at all with all these treats. They need to see that as this will have a negative impact on what she 'expexts' from life. They need to understand how important it is to respect your concerns

dd has that much are house is like a toy shop, her wardrobe is bulging, i have no idea what to buy her for her birthday, we have bought her probably less than 10% of the stuff

You or preferably your DP need to find a way of getting over to them that "money isn't love". Also if they really want to "spend" so much money on her it would be better in a bank account for when she is older as it will mean so much more to her then. £5 spent per week = £260 each year. £260 each year for another 14 years (until your dd is 18) = £3640 plus interest, which is not to be sniffed at! It would buy some driving lessons or (possibly) pay for a term's tuition at university!

try a book called toddler taiming -it's fab and really has worked for me with both of my older ones.

I can see two sides here - my ILs have never bought the DC a thing. (The DC are 12 and 16 now). My parents never come empty handed although often only three to four times a year. I don't think anyone can enjoy the gift of giving unless they have received.

I sympathise over the tantrums. I never had problems at mealtimes but I did always have it as a rule that once the child left the table, their place was cleared and they did not come back to the table.

dd has behaved well over the weekend and hasnt even asked for any choc so it proves to me she isnt getting obsessed with eating which is good.
i will find thses books at the library thanks.

omfg, ils turned up uninvited while we were eating dinner, fil wenand sat in garden, mil sat on sofa saying ""dd ask daddy where your sweets are, dd we have bought you sweets, ask daddy for them, go on dd" and dp is saying mom she is eating dinner leave ehr alone. then she sits by me while im bf dd2 and puts a carrier bag next to me and says "have a look at that, have a look in the bag", i kept saying i will when ive finished feeding her but not now then dd2 starts looking round the room cos of all the noise and mil says oh shes finished now and starts screeching whos a pretty baba at dd2 so i cant feed her anymore. they stay 2 hours, dd2 gets pjs and dd1 gets choc, we tell them she has 9 easter eggs left and dd2 has tons of clothes and it makes no difference. as they left they promised dd1 a new dress next visit.

they make me so angry, more the inconvenience than the gifts this time, leave dd2 alone when she is bf and leave dd1 alone when she is eating.

they have no tact, as dp opened the door he said we are just sitting down to dinner, it was 5pm, why would they come then and just sit down ffs.

i said to dp tell them to stop bringing stuff and tell them to stop interupting dinner and leave baby alone when feeding and hw will but they have no common sense and just smile. aaaaagggghhh.

Am reading this with interest as have similarly difficult DS2 - now just 4 and I feel should be better but is not enjoying the school run starting up again...

Lots of good stuff here that I've read before and when I remember to do it, works. Quick thing re choices:

They need to be "apparent" choices. So many times I hear myself people saying "do you want to put your shoes on?" Durrr..... of course not. However, "do you want to wear your crocs or fire shoes?" might - just might - elicit shoe putting on!

Also, I count down incessantly. "I'm shutting the car door in 5 seconds.... I'm clearing up breakfast in 3 minutes...." But now that's stopping working I've got a new tactic. "When I say [madly think of a funny word] 'fishcakes' you're going to put the toy down and go into the hall... hamster, pumpkin, fishcakes.... When I say [think again] 'bananas' you're going to put your shoes on.... grapefruit, coconut, bananas" etc etc etc etc

Christ it's just so bloody hard, isn't it?

i tried your method of saying mad words to do things at it worked , amazing.
dd had a fall yesterday and had to be fetched back from nursery so i just cuddled her all day.
then gps came and brought her a mag and money and i looked at dp and he said they shouldnt give them stuff all the time and mil said "why not if we want to their our grandkids and its my money" and i give up, poor dd was just lying there.

Forget the children. You need to discipline these grandparents! They are undermining you monstrously!

Choices:
Do you want to give her pocket money for her swimming lessons or a trip to the park?
Do you want to hold baby or read to DD?

Leave DD with them for a weekend. Pack ALL her chocolate to take away and not to be brought back. Wow, won't they regret that!

Also, film her when she's being bratty. Anything to expose them more to her nightmarish behaviour, so they see what they are leaving you with, and how unfair that is.

My MIL adores treating DS, and has often seemed quite hurt when I tell her it's too much, or it doesn't fit (oops), or he doesn't need something. However, she's really tried, and is much better now, proving that it can be done, and done without losing her darling GS's love.

Mind you, she still spoils him by doing everything for him - feeding with fingers and holding him to sleep included (!), but I am very interested to see that he doesn't love me, or my much-stricter-than-MIL mother any less than he loves her (MIL) despite our being stricter on him. I feel a bit sad for her, really, because he gives her much more trouble, but she is the one who doesn't have any confidence in her ability to discipline him without losing his love, so I guess I have to accept that, as long as it doens't affect my ability to handle him.

As for DD, is there anything else in her life which triggers her bad moods? I've discovered that television creates terrible problems for DS (3), as though that period of not-hearing-anything-else upsets his ability to concentrate and behave overall. When I remove the television (physically remove it) and we have only limited CBeebies through my computer, his mood throughout the entire day seems to improve; he's easier to manage at mealtimes and bedtime, too! I can't stress enough that it's not just when he is watching, and when it is turned off, but the entire day, which seems crazy, but there it is.

P.S. Sorry for the epic post, and apologies if none of the advice works for you, or if it's stuff you've already tried.

would love to discipline gps
90% of the time when they buy clothes they dont fit and we have to make a journey to swap them which drives me mad as it makes me more work.
dds birthday is soon so im looking for daytrips/tickets they can get her rather than more toys descending on us.

Hi, sorry, have been away for a week. Is DD any better? Have you thought up a daytrip present for her yet?

she has gone very teary at home and school, have started a thread about her being over emotional.
gps no better, brought her a summer dress, 3 usborne books and goldiloacks book this week.
told them its not necessary as the house is overflowing and they laughed and said wait til her birthday, i told them we want nothing large and they just
im trying to get thomas land tickets and she is going on a steam train ride with my parents.

Do the GPs demand/expect acknowledgement for each of their gifts? Or do they just let it drop like manna and never think of it again? If so, there are two ways to respond:

1. Make the gift-giving into a prelude to thank-you notes. Your DD may get very tired acknowledging every single bit of tat, and may start to become less grateful for the piles of presents; she might even protest! (Disclaimer: this will be a lot of work for you, but it could have good side-effects in that she will learn this good habit early).

2. If they and your DD are not going to think about things after they are given, you can get tough and just weed them. Toy libraries and libraries are very happy to accept donations (our local library has an ongoing sale, so I know if the book is a duplicate, or is not wanted for some other reason, the library will earn something off my donation). Freecycle is another "resource" for the de-clutterer, but people can be flaky, so it can be a lot of effort to get rid of things. eBay also requires a lot of fiddly effort (especially with the mountains of things she is getting), but there is tangible reward, and you can funnel all earnings to a ank account for your DD, which is a much better way of serving her interests than buying her lots of crap and not teaching her to defer gratification. (again, it's a lot of work for you, which is not fair, but at least it has some real side-benefits).

Sorry you are still struggling with this.

My parents do the same. I have taken to intercepting the gifts and saying I will keep them aside and DS can have them when he's done 3 good nights, or whatever our current difficult area is. He hates me for a few hours, then forgets about it.

dd just says thank you and they my ask if something fitted or notice it around when they visit, i only get dd to do thank you notes at bday and xmas as it takes ages getting her to write them.
if clothes dont fit (quite often they are the wrong size) i swap them for things she needs like pants/vests/socks for school and tell them i swapped them for x as she has plenty of tops thanks, mil doesnt like this saying yes but i chose that dress for her but i know what she has in her wardrobe and what will be wasted.
some unsuitable toys have been binned/charity shopped when dd has forgotten them.
choc is put in fridge and given when she has behaved which isnt that often at the moment, i have told them she has 6 easter eggs left and a choc reindeer from xmas but they are undeterred by this.
what i hate most is a week before her birthday turning up with wrapped presents and asking dd to open them as they are not her real bday presents she will get more the following week but they couldnt wait

Right, so you are already working on this.

What incorrigible people. Is there anyone else in the family (DH's brothers/sisters) who could help you create a united front on this? What does your DH/DP himself do about the situation which has developed?

dps brothers have been throug the same, drowning in tat and asking for it to stop but it didnt. dp tells them we have enough but they ignore.

dp told his mother that all sweets like rock, chewy sweets, toffee would be binned as dd isnt allowed this, only a bit of choc and prefers fruit anyway so she brought an apple too yes she listened i suppose but it was more like a piss take