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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men are curious, right?

29 replies

Mumof2smallchildren · 28/04/2011 01:52

Is there a good reason why a man would have googled swingers clubs and lapdancing bars in local towns, when he was meant to be at another, important, thing? A thing where I can't check if he actually went?

(namechanger as I think he searches for my real name)

Oh God. If he is lying about this then I literally don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof2smallchildren · 28/04/2011 01:53

Is there any way I could check if it was just a google? (have found this in his internet history, in the middle of the afternoon, in fact when I'm pretty sure I was sat in the room and he told me he was looking up where the meetings were that night)

Oh shit shit shit. Doesn't look good, does it? Please reassure me, someone.

OP posts:
scotsgirl23 · 28/04/2011 01:54

Erm, sounds dodgy I'm afraid. Why would you even be curious about that, unless it was something which interested you and which you fancied possibly doing (even on a more abstract level)

Original poster
Mumof2smallchildren · 28/04/2011 01:56

He has done it before - I know, because I went with him. Years ago.

We agreed that, although it was fun, we wouldn't do it again.

Especially not alone. Even when we did it that once, we agreed we would never do it alone.

Plus, the thing he was meant to be at (I am being really careful to not use words that might trigger a search if he was to search) is a condition of us staying together...a meeting that is anonymous, and, er, helps people to stop having beer.

OP posts:
AlfalfaMum · 28/04/2011 01:57

Doesn't sound good.
Ask him wtf he's up to

Original poster
Mumof2smallchildren · 28/04/2011 01:57

I have been dead proud of him for going to the meetings. I have been looking after the kids and hugging him when he came back.

OMG...I am such a fool.

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Original poster
Mumof2smallchildren · 28/04/2011 01:59

How can I confirm things? Oh God.

How can I tell him I know, without revealing how I know? (Might need to keep an eye on if he goes back to the website, don't want to reveal I know how to use the history function)

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AlfalfaMum · 28/04/2011 01:59

YOU are not the fool :(

Original poster
Mumof2smallchildren · 28/04/2011 02:01

I thought it odd when he was so keen to go to the meetings. God, he went to one tonight. He was really subdued when he came back.

We've not been having sex lately, just doing...other stuff. He said he liked how it was making us more intimate.

Oh God.

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AlfalfaMum · 28/04/2011 02:03

Sorry, I have to go to bed. I hope you're alright ( and if anyone's sleeping on the sofa, make sure it's him!)

Geocentric · 28/04/2011 02:04

Look, if you are both routinely searching each others internet history it sounds like you need to stop searching and start talking to each other instead. Wouldn't it be far better to get things out in the open? If you can't trust each other, its not a very good basis for a relationship... Just ask him right out, and maybe also talk about why you are both checking up on each other online. (be brave!!!! Smile)

Geocentric · 28/04/2011 02:08

Btw, I'm sorry if that came out as a bit harsh (probably NOT what you want/need to hear at this time of night Smile), I am truly sorry this is happening to you, especially as it sounds as if you've been really supportive!

Original poster
Mumof2smallchildren · 28/04/2011 02:09

I'm searching his internet history because I recently accidentally came across obscene messages to another woman. He promised to change, to give up drink. We've been to relate this very afternoon.

Oh fuck.

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Original poster
Mumof2smallchildren · 28/04/2011 02:10

I only think he searches for mebecause a few weeks back he made a joke about only having a mumsnet account to check up on me.

OP posts:
Geocentric · 28/04/2011 02:12

Sad That sucks. Angry

Is he following your posts on MN?

Geocentric · 28/04/2011 02:13

oops, x-posts

Geocentric · 28/04/2011 02:15

Is he at least making an effort during counselling?

Original poster
Mumof2smallchildren · 28/04/2011 02:18

OK, there is another thread with me under my real name (don't want to say it in case it comes up in searches) It is in AIBU, title is about taking kids to nursery. Explains all.

OMG...he's asleep. Kids are asleep.

Do I wake him up? I feel like I need concrete proff.

I don't so much mind porn, if that was all he was looking up...but there is plenty of porn online, why would he just want to look at official websites for lapdancing?

OP posts:
Geocentric · 28/04/2011 02:21

I wouldn't wake him up - easier to have a serious conversation in the sober light of day. It'll just escalate into a big fight if you try and talk now.

I did notice your other thread - haven't read it though. Will look. Smile
Hang in there!!!

Original poster
Mumof2smallchildren · 28/04/2011 02:22

I could kind of cope with lapdancing, and even a bit of online flirting on a swigers doo dah, but when he was meant to be at a meeting?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof2smallchildren · 28/04/2011 02:23

But I can't just go to sleep with him next to me and kids are off nursery tomorrow - we can't talk with them there. I'd have to play happy families with him.

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Original poster
Mumof2smallchildren · 28/04/2011 02:23

Thanks for talking to me, btw.

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Tolalola · 28/04/2011 02:34

Are you still awake? Are you ok, OP?

Geocentric · 28/04/2011 02:38

No problem. Smile
Just been skimming through your thread - some really good advice there!
I can see it would be hard to go on as usual tomorrow, I just don't think it will be very productive to talk right now. Can you snuggle up with your kids for tonight? Is there maybe someone who can babysit tomorrow for a while so you can talk?
And... keep talking on the other thread - lots of great people on there who are much better than me at this kind of thing.

Original poster
Mumof2smallchildren · 28/04/2011 02:39

...I dunno...what should I do?

I don't think he can stay here - he'll have to go to his mums. I don't have family nearby so that's the only option really.

How do these things work? We've just moved into a new rented house. It's nearly £200 pcm more than me and the kids would get in housing benefit, and I can't work very much due to severe health problems.

Oh god, will I lose the kids?

What do I do? What if his parents take his side?

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Original poster
Mumof2smallchildren · 28/04/2011 02:40

His parents are annoyed at us anyway - we losttrack of time and were late home today from relate, only they don't know it was relate, they probably assumed it was the pub. Suppose we can ask them.

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