Dtwat is an arse who i'm slowly starting to hate. I have just snapped his head off

[ApocalypseCheeseToastie]

He has always been a keen cyclist which has never been an issue. Until he discovered endofuckingmondo which is a worldwide cycling competition jobby, done via satnav or summat. Which he then tracks on the laptop, think he's number 14

For the past few weeks dp has been cycling 50 miles per day on days he works, 100 miles on his days off.

Today he was off work, he gave ds his breakfast then went out around 9am, came back at 1pm, swept up when I asked him then fucked off again till 8pm to give ds his bedtime story, he's just gone out again. Hardly saw him over easter and i've basically been a single parent to two kids with autism for the past few months.

Anyways, after gently simmering the past few weeks I am starting to get snippy, he announced earlier he's lost 2 stone in a month, to which I replied 'no fucking shit sherlock, if I dumped all childcare on you for a month or so and constantly pedalled I bet i'd lose a ton n all [cangry] to which he started bleating about taking ds out Sunday afternoon, I could have gone out then (I sat on my arse and observed the silence I confess)

To top it all he's worn the crank out on his and is using my rather expensive and shiny bike which he bought me for christmas, until he gets his fixed [canry]

So will I be unreasonable to either lock my bike up with a series of complex chains ? OR, hide it round my sisters and let him think it's been stolen ?

I also feel sad and lonely, i'm sick of doing things on my own and have been comfort eating buttery mash and easter eggs He isn't even coming food shopping with me tomorrow

YANBU - poor thing; you're married to a MAMIL (middle aged man in lycra).

You can't move for MAMILs in Surrey, as soon as the sun peeps from behind a cloud, the lanes are thick with them, whizzing past scattering baby bunnies to left and right, panting up hills in their little rainbow coloured packs.

It's the 21st century version of the mid-life crisis; once it was a porsche, now it's a £5k superlightweight bike, once it was leather trousers, now it's skintight lycra, once it was a dolly bird on the arm, now it's getting orgasmically excited about cycling gadgets and apps.....

Have some extra cheese on that mash....and tell him he's being an utter twat when he gets back (and that we all think he is too...)

Oh dear - just read second page of thread and realised my light tone is a bit inappropriate....sorry cheese.

I think you need to ask him if he wants to stay married to you.

He needs to realise that this is how marriages start to die

Realistically it does sound like a mid-life (or whatever) crisis type thing. And you sound depressed. It needs addressing - or, like Sarky says, the marriage dies....

I used to do triathlon, hence a lot of cycle training and know the cycling scene, and you have my sympathy! Big time! Road cyclists have to be some of the most boring, anally retentive sportspeople there are. And non-inclusive. Obvious exceptions. Such as mountain bikers. The trouble is that the light nights are here and cycling is on Sky TV...

I'm also guessing your DP isn't that good or fast, because he doesn't seem to do interval training, hill reps or group rides and will plateau if all he does is ride miles slowly. And because he took a crank off your bike which might be heavy or non Shimano Dura Ace or Campag Record. But he has to realise that he is unlikely to make any money out of cycling or even win a local race, so basing his whole life around it is rather pointless.

I think you either confiscate the weird sat nav thingy or insist that you want to cycle as well, that he fixes your bike and draw up a timetable so that it is written down. You don't actually have to cycle of course, its just that he may respect/understand it better if you put it in these terms.

I agree that he does sound a bit AS - is it possible you were attracted to someone with these type of traits?

I have no experience of living with children with SN, so can only offer great sympathy. It would be awfully unfair if you were consistently left looking after two NT children alone but it's a million times worse given that your two have SN (and one who can only be cared for by three people in the whole world, one of whom seems to think it's perfectly fine to swan off on his own all weekend).

Yes, he may be stressed and need a break. But the same is true for you.

May I make a couple of observations? They may not be particularly relevant to your situation, so please feel free to ignore.

1. It's really unfair of your DH to take all this time for himself and it has to stop. I don't really care if it's passive-aggressive to hide your bike - it's time to take a stand.

1. It seems that endomondo is an ongoing thing with monthly challenges. Could you agree a one-month-on-one-month-off type arrangement?

1. Your weekend arrangements (pre-endomondo) focussed very much on giving each child 1-2-1 time with a parent. Can you spend more time together as a family?

1. Do your children sleep well in the evenings? I can understand not wanting/being able to leave your DS with anyone other than your DP if he's awake, but I don't have any feel for why the evenings are unsuitable for babysitters - even just for a swift drink down your local.

1. Your sister (the single parent with her own SN children) is clearly getting a load more help than you are - it's perfectly reasonable for you to spend your precious time and resources on your own family instead of hers.

My very best wishes to you.

Nijinsky, it's a mixture of mountain/road cycling he does, we live in Cumbria, there are lots of hills......and sheep. He isn't training for anything he does it for enjoyment and excercise, along with going to the gym, but this fucking thing has taken over and seems to have brought out a competitive streak [cangry] He won't win, he's 30 in the world comp thing and the leader has about 300 miles on him so fuck knows why and 50 to 100 plus miles per day is just silly

My bike isn't broke, he's worn out the thingy where the chain goes (crank?) so has poached mine, until his is back from the bike shop. I like my bike, it's a CUBE, limited edition [csad] the whole point of him getting it was to give us something to do when he was off/kids at school, but I haven't seen him for dust [csad]

I have tried to get overnight respite just for my son but was told I don't qualify, the school have backed me, in fact it was his teacher who hauled me into the office and basically told me I looked ill and need a break, how shit is that ? (this was whe ds was going through a particularly violent stage along with getting up at 2am ) The reason we tend to do things seperately with the kids is because they're both at opposite ends of the spectrum, ds is a lot more severe than dd and they always cope with the same thing, walks/ the beach are all they can do together really, oh and theme parks depending on ds

I am a fed up cheese [csad]

And your humour was fine ILoveYouToo, I don't take myself that seriously, i'm just bloody fed up. Thankfully no lycra as of yet, however if he wins that fucking t shirt you can be damn sure i'll make him wear it [cwink]

Deary me.
he must be spending..12-15 hours a week on this?
Do you work Apocalypse?
If not, are you doing your own thing in the day?

It's totally selfish to spend so much time on a hobby when you have two little kids IMO.

Have just taken a sneaky peek at your profile photos - your DCs look gorgeous.

No, I do not work, nor do I intend to. I am exhausted as it is. Dp however does work.

It is far more than 12/15 hours per week, he does 50 plus after work and 100 plus on his days off (did 120 yesterday) the man is being a selfish twat.

So he got himself a present for Christmas really, and you got nothing.

Seems like the respite isn't really the problem, or the amount of work you are left with when it all boils down. Maybe what you want is for someone to share in taking care of the relationship and the home with you, and not have it all dumped on your lap all the time. For you to jump through hoops, get on the phone, beg people to take your DCs for a week, make arrangements to get away with your H wouldn't really make a difference. You are being expected to share in someone else's life (with the cycling) but no-one seems interested in being with you in yours.

What are you doing when your kids are at school?
Anytihng for you?

I am amazed that he obviously thinks it is ok to have such a time consuming habit when he is needed. What/how did that happen?

Tantrum, Cheese. A big fuck-off wobbly. The rational, adult discussion can come after you've got his attention by screeching like a banshee and going for the bike with a meat cleaver.

Agree with mathanxiety. Everything's on your plate at the moment and nothing's on his. He is, indeed, being selfish about this. And when you say you're exhausted I can well believe it. It's not just physical, is it? It's the constant emotional grind of being the responsible one.

Is relationship counselling a possibility? Perhaps your sis (not the one with ASD children of her own, the other one) might be willing to babysit for that?

Have you told your sis (the one with ASD children) that you're not helping her out while she's on holiday? If not, why not?

Why restrict the cleaver action to the bike, Chickens?

Maybe you could do what dh & I do, which is Special Wednesdays. Now I know the name is really but once every 6 weeks or so since our kids were little (ds1 had severe brain damage so it was not easy to just leave him with a teenager), we both book a day off work then either go to a nice restaurant for a big boozy lunch, or out for a long walk and picnic or maybe go to the cinema during the day then tea & cakes in a nice cafe.

Any chance of doing that?

I would be tempted to tell him that as you are practically living the life of a single parent, you have decided to make it official and divorce him.

He will get custody of the children every other weekend and half the holidays which will mean he actually spends more time with them and he will have less time for his cycling.

See how that grabs him [csmile]

Bloody hell, he came back an an hour ago and asked 'what are we doing on Saturday' (first time in months) he's now upstairs giving the rabbit a shower ( she has a clumpy bum ) i'm hoping my sniping and moping round like a lost ghost has pricked his conscience somewhere. Tonight he isn't going out, we will be having a loooooonnnnnggggg chat.

Regards sis, all requests for help will be denied for the forseeable, I know i'm not owed anything by anyone but somethings got to give. Plus, if i'm honest it will make me feel better, sat their like a sap looking after some bugger elses kids when dp and I never get out together will happen no more.

mumble I like the idea of him swapping shifts once a week so we can do something, i'll suggest that

Apocalypse, leave the house. Now. Go for a walk, to the shop for a bar of chocolate, read a book in the park, whatever. Just leave him in charge with no notice and see how he likes it.

Passive aggressive, whatever, make your point!

Hope your Big Long Chat is successful cheese :)

I really feel for you OP. I think the going off and leaving him in charge of the kids without warning is a good one. It should bring what its like to you to his attention.

Otherwise, since the bit the chain goes on that he's borrowed from your bike is I think the chainset, you could buy him a nice Dura Ace one with a 54 tooth outer ring and smallest ring of 44. If its a triple then just get a smallest ring of 40 if you can. That'll sort him out, and Dura Ace is to good to refuse, so he'll have no choice but to use it. He's going to knacker his knees sooner or later with that sort of mileage in the Lake District anyway with no proper base built on the turbo over winter...

Cheese - I didn't see your thread yesterday :(

I hope you make him see the error of his ways tonight - It Is Not Good Enough.

Life with DD & DS is hard enough as it is with both of you doing what needs to be done and supporting each other - giving each other time out. Him taking up all of the 'time out' is disgraceful.

Is there a reason you can't get a regular, adult babysitter - even one with SN experience? You should find someone on childcare.co.uk Your family should be doing more to help you - I find them truely un-bloody-believable, every time I read about how much help they give each other but not you, yet you still help them it makes my blood boil.

And how about ordering your groceries online and spending that time doing something more fun together? Or you go food shopping while the kids are at school? It just sounds like the two of you never get any time together - which is death to any relationship over time.