Dtwat is an arse who i'm slowly starting to hate. I have just snapped his head off

[ApocalypseCheeseToastie]

He has always been a keen cyclist which has never been an issue. Until he discovered endofuckingmondo which is a worldwide cycling competition jobby, done via satnav or summat. Which he then tracks on the laptop, think he's number 14

For the past few weeks dp has been cycling 50 miles per day on days he works, 100 miles on his days off.

Today he was off work, he gave ds his breakfast then went out around 9am, came back at 1pm, swept up when I asked him then fucked off again till 8pm to give ds his bedtime story, he's just gone out again. Hardly saw him over easter and i've basically been a single parent to two kids with autism for the past few months.

Anyways, after gently simmering the past few weeks I am starting to get snippy, he announced earlier he's lost 2 stone in a month, to which I replied 'no fucking shit sherlock, if I dumped all childcare on you for a month or so and constantly pedalled I bet i'd lose a ton n all [cangry] to which he started bleating about taking ds out Sunday afternoon, I could have gone out then (I sat on my arse and observed the silence I confess)

To top it all he's worn the crank out on his and is using my rather expensive and shiny bike which he bought me for christmas, until he gets his fixed [canry]

So will I be unreasonable to either lock my bike up with a series of complex chains ? OR, hide it round my sisters and let him think it's been stolen ?

I also feel sad and lonely, i'm sick of doing things on my own and have been comfort eating buttery mash and easter eggs He isn't even coming food shopping with me tomorrow

Nah, the autism comes firmly from my side of the family [cwink] tho he does have a thing about dice [chmm]

Bloody pineapple, may just have to be jewel encrusted for the fun of it too

'I don't think we'd know what to say to each other anyways'

That's such a sad thing to say.

Could the excessive cycling just be a phase he needs at the min to deal with (or escape?) other things he's got going on?

I have no idea. We both get down over never being able to do adult things without the dcs together. An ad for a new film came on recently and dp said that it looked good. What's the point, we won't ever be able to go and see it. And I know we can get a dvd but I don't want a dvd, I wanna go out.

Dps family aren't interested in our 2 and me and my sis help out my other sis who's a single mum, her 2 also have ASD. Sis has made it abundantly clear she spends enough time helping one of us out and won't do the same for me (fair enough) we can go out seperately.

I feel like such a twat, me and dp have been out once in 12 years and yet in July i'm being roped in to help care for my sisters two so she can go to Spain for a week with a friend. Last week she had both dcs in respite for 2 nights and then 2 nights later sis had the dcs at hers so sis could go out. No ones ever done that for us. I hate it, i'm starting to think like a jealous, mardy twat which really isn't me at all oh and to top it all I paid an extra £30 so dd could have more respite in the hols and got roped into having my niece in those 4 hours when I should have been doing stuff with my boy.

It's all getting too much, and I feel sad

I have every sympathy, my DH used to be a semi-pro MB'er (like, a hundred years ago)

I sometimes say I'm going to get a 'handle bar' hat.

I don't even cycle myself (my arse was not designed for one of those seats) so him 'keeping me up to date' on his latest mileage is snoozeville, new mexico.

It doesn't help that I dislike cyclists on the road, so every time he regales me with a story of how he got into an argument with a motorist, I listen patiently then say

"I'm 100% with him. You cyclist fuckers make me sick"

Good job opposites attract :o

Sorry, I hadn't read the whole thread and didn't realise it had moved on [embarrassed]

Still though, cyclist fuckers

You sound like you know how much it means to have some time off, to the extent that the small amount you have yourself you'd not turn down someone else who needs it, even though it pains you to say yes.

You need to find a way of getting a break for the two of you (stating the obvious, I know), once in 12 years? I'm not one for going out, but even we've been out more than that in the last 10 years!

I know exactly what you mean about the adult time, which is why we stay up till all hours at the weekend so we can just be us again.

Is there anyone you can apply a bit of pressure to (even if you have to take the risk of them being shitty/saying no) so you can get away for a bit?

I'm surprised the people who know you haven't freely offered knowing you're in such need of it.

Auntie can manage dd but not ds as she has spinal arthritis. She has her when she can and I don't no what i'd do without her tbh.

But ds, nobody as ever had him except me, dp and his respite carer. tbh he isn't that difficult, I actually find him a lot easier than dd but he can become violent if he's upset for whatever reason.

Dp's family simply aren't interested, his mother has made tentative contact after not bothering for years, she comes round once a fortnight for half an hour and sits moaning because ds doesn't speak to her, she then gets dd from youth club and goes home. Spends a lot of time with her NT grandkids tho

I dunno, I just don't see any light at the end of the tunnel, and we aren't even doing the one and only thing we do together each week (the bloody food shopping of all things) How the hell did my life get this sad ? And i'm running round after everybugger else like a mug, I should have TWAT stamped across my forehead

I am actually crying over going shopping alone. Shoot me now [csad]

OMG I really hope my DP NEVER finds out about this! I will lose him to his competitive sporting streak for good He's an avid cyclist and general keep fit and gym guy who already has a competitive group of friends and family members like this. When all the guys get together or talk on the phone they compare workouts, physical progress and everything, and he has already worn one very nice bike into the ground from over usage

You have my sympathies.

And you have two LO's! I just factored that in. I don't even have one yet and it sucks.

Cheesey, you guys need to have a serious talk. With your H, with your sister, everyone.

It is NOT fair for people to dump their problems on you

It is NOT just the days out that make up childcare

You need time for yourself or you are going to lost the plot. Does "d"h want you to smack DS round the face next time he acts up? Cos he's setting you up for it at the moment!

Feel free to get to the end of your tether and bugger off down here for a few days to cuddle the bunny

sounds like he is actually physically addicted.

Hiding the bike is passive aggressive and won't solve the problem as it will probably just make him get his own fixed quicker. You need to sort this out once and for all. He cannot just dump all the childcare on you and bugger off like that - regardless of why he's doing it. It's thoroughly selfish of him. He's acting like he's a single guy who can do as he pleases with his down time.

You need to get to the bottom of why he feels the need to be out of the house all the time - does he not deal well with your kids? Is he depressed? Is he ultra-stressed about work and so feels the need to physically exhaust himself to deal with it? Is your marriage okay or have there been problems for a while that you're not facing up to?

He sounds, like FanjOeu says, addicted. The amount of food he is eating is ridiculously tiny compared to how much excercise he is doing.
You really do need to sit down and have a talk, whether it means removing his pedals or saddle or just making an appointment.
YA so NBU.

P.S. If you're serious about the food shopping being the only thing you do together then I think you both need to take a long, hard look at your relationship. It sounds like misery and drudgery to me and if I had the option to bugger off on my bike I'd probably be doing the same. You two need some joy in your lives. What did you used to do together before you had kids?

I don't know. I'm ready to pineapple my own "D"H this very second so I'm shit at advice right now. It's almost three in the morning and I've been here crying on the couch for God knows how long. That fu*ker.

Anyway, sorry about everything. Could you plan for DD to go to your Auntie's at the same time that DS is at respite so you and your H could have alone time?

It's nice that he's passionate about something and that he's keeping fit but making you a cycling widow is not healthy.

Yes you need A BIG TALK with him

And maybe to go on strike (have discarded my Easter name)

My DH is a keen cyclist too (and also into Endomondo) and he uses it for stress relief. When he has had a bad day a couple of hours nightriding seems to sort him out.

So I just wonder if you and your DH are actually feeling exactly the same way and in him this manifests as cycling all the sodding time and losing his appetite and in you it manifests as eating mashed potato and ranting on here. Both of which are not the worst ways to handle stress but you could find proactive ways to reduce the stress, the number one thing seems to be finding time to just be together as a couple.

I don't want to patronise but have you tried the following...

Help from social services (stop sniggering at the back there) - they do have a statutory duty to conduct a carers assessment if you request one, they don't have a statutory duty to provide services under it. Have a look at the NAS website for more info.

Local voluntary orgs that may be able to provide volunteer support. You could try Home Start or giving Contact a Family a call.

Telling your DSis that right now you and DH are going through a hard time so can't support her as much as before. At the very least you don't want to start resenting her too and you clearly don't want anything more on your plate.

Both going and talking to your GP. They won't be able to magic anything up but they might help you get some leverage with social services to get some more support before either of you becomes severely depressed or suffers other stress related health problems.

I realise you've probably tried most of this already but if the stress is mounting up it may be time to start shouting again.

Juneau, sadly a lot of life with autistic kids is drudgery and we don't get to escape easily, it's not fair to leave the other holding the fort, but it's nit easy to get time together either.

I think he should cut down the cycling and ACT should get some time to HERsELF too.

oh cheese :( I've just caught up with this, I'm sorry things are so shit.

Was this a sudden change? Did something stressful trigger the obsessive cycling?

I don't know, tbh the reason doesn't really matter as it sounds like it's just a symptom of much bigger issues :(

You are too nice I think - start saying no.

He's off again.He skipped off because he knew I was stewing, he also knows dd will only allow me to put her on the bus and I was planning on pedaling off meself, had the bike clips at the ready. Never mind hiding the fucking bike, i'll remove the wheels and stick it on the roof with an axe through the seat.

The kids go to respite straight from school on alternate days so it's a bit pointless tbh as the kids aren't a huge issue to me. Auntie lives a while away, no car so dd going there when ds is at respite wouldn't really work, the night ds goes to respite until 6.30, dp is at work anyway.

I have decided i'm putting my boot down regarding sis, she already gets more help than anyone I know, she gets 1 hour each morning to help the kids get ready, each child gets 1 overnight per week in a respite centre (goes up to 2 in the holidays) 4 hours respite on top with a carer (goes up to 8 in the hols ) and me and my sis on tap 24/7. Which I don't resent at all, her two are far harder work than mine but I do feel she should be using the time she has free more effectively, ie when the dcs are at respite for 2 nights she should go out with her friends then, not click her fingers 2 nights later and expect a babysitter.

I will not be helping when she goes away, my mind is made up, it's the fucking principle now, all we get is four hours per week, any extra we have to pay for and feel she's taking the piss somewhat.

The irony is, he got me the bloody bike to help stop me from falling into depression again, if anything it's making me soddin worse as he rides off on my christmas present each morning [cangry]

And yes, my life sucks. One long round of drudge, in fact i'm struggling to remember what we even did pre babybells, so woe is me am I [csad]

It sounds like you need to say cunty cunting cunting cuntfuckers repeatedly.

But then you need to do something. You said above your DH is not usually a knob and he does help look after the kids. So what has changed? Is he feeling the stress more than before? Or are you? If things have changed maybe you need more respite. Or maybe you need a couple of hours a week when they are both in respite. Reducing your childcare responsibilities to one child not two doesn't actually give you the time alone that you both probably really need.

I haven't raised kids with SN but I've worked with loads of children with SN and their families and it looks unbelievably fucking hard sometimes. But that should not mean you have to accept being left to hold the fort all the time, or feeling like life sucks. The situation won't change if you don't tell people clearly and firmly that right now it is overwhelming. Your DH needs to hear that (though he may feel that way too) and prob your SW and anyone else who may be in a position to help.

The other thing that strikes me is that because you take on caring for your children separately so that they get 1:1 you don't spend much time together as a family. Could you address this by asking friends to join you for trips out so you are together but still have an extra pair of eyes and hands around to keep things calm, prevent escapes and handle meltdowns. This might be the kind of thing a Home Start vol could help with.

Glad you're going to start saying no to your family cheese. You need to put yourself first for a change!

What would happen if you said "oi get off MY bike you cheeky fucker"

Would he just go and buy a new one for himself and carry on?

Cheese, can't you get overnight respite for the DCs both at the same time? I don't know how it works, so sorry if I'm asking the wrong thing.