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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish people would shut up about natural conception after IVF?

28 replies

PicaK · 27/04/2011 18:13

I know i'm being unreasonable
I know these people care and aren't trying to hurt me.

But on low days I really, really struggle to understand how they think i want to hear about other people who gave up on ivf and then caught naturally.

It's such a hard choice, to stop, to say no that's it. We can't cope with the drugs and the disappointments and the surgical risks any more. We are drawing a line. We are moving on.

We did 5 years of it - and we are beyond lucky because we have a beautiful, adored child.

Did one more go recently trying for a sibling.

But that was still 50 plus months where I spent 2 weeks wondering if this was our lucky month and then having to tell DH it wasn't.

It'll take me a while to stop myself hoping for a natural miracle - but it'd be an awful lot quicker if I didn't constantly have the surprise success stories rammed down my throat!

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 27/04/2011 18:17

People always have a 'story' be it about babies, IVF etc, that's just life.

I STILL have "Did you only want the one child?" and ds is 9 for Pete's sake!

MYOFB!!!! Grrrrrrrrrr!

I feel your pain x

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 27/04/2011 18:18

I'm sorry it wasn't successful :(

I guess people are just trying to offer you a little hope... but YANBU to want to scream and shout

I really don't know what else I'd say to you IRL though because nothing is right is it :( If they say you are lucky to have DD - you'd want them to acknowledge that you know that, but you would still like another. If they don't say anything they aren't really supporting you... if they offer you hope they're ramming it down your throat... :(

I'm just really sorry that you are in this position :( x

Piglet28 · 27/04/2011 18:21

Yep I know exactly how you feel! We had ICSI 2 attempts for DS and one more failed attempt for a sibling, we cannot conceive naturally or have NHS funding.

It's so irritating when people ask if when are we having no2, financially we cannot afford any more treatment. It's heartbreaking having to fib to random strangers and inconsiderate friends who know why we had to have IVF and there answer.... 'we'll see what happens' grrrr. Drives me nuts!

BestNameEver · 27/04/2011 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PinkFondantFancy · 27/04/2011 18:30

So sorry you've had to go through all this pain and heartache. I think it falls into the same category of stupid platitudes as "if you stop trying so hard you'll fall pregnant" Angry

hairylights · 27/04/2011 18:40

picak

Yanbu.

It's the same with recurrent miscarriage.

"relax" and "youll be fine this time/next time"

Fertility is such a private, personal thing and it astounds me how some people say very insensitive things when they have no idea and which aren't at all comforting.

Lookandlearn · 27/04/2011 19:10

Admittedly, we consider our own donor conceptions to be private, whilst not actually secret, but the number of people who think we've had a lucky accident this time who knew we had so kind of treatment with the first two. There'll never be an accident in this house!

Dozer · 27/04/2011 19:47

Yanbu, know how it feels when people say insensitive things about fertility. Sorry OP.

teta · 27/04/2011 20:35

I know how you feel.It took us 3 years to have our first child [ no ivf] but investigative procedures.Then we had ivf [for a second child and we had twins],then i got pregnant naturally with a 4th.I was really shocked-although i do realise i was really lucky .I remember the sadness of thinking i couldn't get pregnant the first time, and i remember wrapping up my first-borns clothes thinking i will never have another one.Then i remember the shock on my dh's face when he realised we were having twins,and the absolute surprise[and horror] when he realised that i was pregnant again!.People are not deliberately tactless but they just don't know how sensitive the topic is for some people.I yearned to have another child -and got 3 more.Make the best of the life you have and love your child and try to be happy. If my first ivf hadn't worked i wouldn't have tried again as the whole procedure was so stressful.But i have friends who have tried 6 times and ultimately been successful with an egg donor.Do what you think is best and then draw a line under it and carry on with your life.

Original poster
PicaK · 27/04/2011 20:52

Thank you guys. I think I was having a bit of a sense of humour failure today.

Honestly, I am mega grateful for everything I've got.

Just worried that at some point I'm going to lose the plot and instead of going "oh really, gosh how interesting" i'll smack them round the head with a size 5 nappy!

I needed to know it wasn't just me in danger of turning into a homicidal maniac.

OP posts:
tholeon · 27/04/2011 20:55

yanbu.

I've heard that story so many times!

But we both know people don't say it to be unkind. And it is so hard for them to get it right.

I hope you and your DH and (very) DC have a very happy future x

Adversecamber · 27/04/2011 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DuelingFanjo · 27/04/2011 21:36

YANBU

My sil finally had an ivf baby after 8 years of trying and failed fertility treatments. All through her pregnancy she got fed up of people telling her that now she'd managed to get pregnant she will probably get pregnant again straight away once the baby is born because 'that's what happens'.

MayBankHoliday · 27/04/2011 21:40

YANBU. If you feel like replying with the facts you have every right to do so... "I've read a lot about it and realistically this only happens in 1 per cent of cases" (or whatever the correct statistic is).

Original poster
PicaK · 27/04/2011 21:50

Maybankholiday - you know, we both occasionally try to interject facts and figures but they don't seem to take it in.

I think that's what gets me the most. That i'm absolutely devastated by what someone's just said and they don't even notice!

The "your-body-knows-what-to-do" thing bugs the hell out of me too.

OP posts:
howitis · 27/04/2011 21:54

YANBU. Took us 6 years for DD and still remember the comments when TX failed 'a friend of a friend tried for years, then stoped trying and got BFP'
GOOD FOR YOUR FRIEND OF A FRIEND but my head is screaming not good for me right now is it!

JsOtherHalf · 27/04/2011 22:16

YANBU
Everyone knows someone...etc. I do too, as it happens.

I went to an IVF children's party a couple of years ago, with DS in tow. In a sports hall full of IVF kids and their parents, there were 2 women who were unexpectedly naturally pg after having IVF for a previous child. I was delighted for them. (Well, I tried to be!)

However, there were more than one hundred other women in that room, myself included, who had not an another child naturally.

I would love another DC, but have to convince DH first...no 'oops' moments for us.

berylmuspratt · 28/04/2011 00:17

YANBU I'm in a similar position myself. I think like others have said, that people just churn out the usual platitudes, but it doesn't stop you wanting to shout oh FFS, shut up !!!!!!

Maryz · 28/04/2011 00:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

firstsupermum · 28/04/2011 00:46

i was trying for baby for 6years, and i really had enough from people asking me when i will have a baby or why i am not having a baby, like if i just need to buy it from the supermarket, or if i say i dont have none, they will feel sorry for me, sometimes this make me cry, i even had my neighbour who said once to me: at less I have chidren but you dont have none,(this when we was talking about a life), this one a realy hurt me,
i had my first baby after icsi, all what i what i want to say, just throw their words behind you if you dont like them, some people dont know what to say or how to say it.

startail · 28/04/2011 00:56

YANBU
Sometimes people do get pregnant naturally after years of trying and IVF and clearly they are the ones who happily share their stories.
Far far more people try to conceive for years, but keep their pain private (I have Dfriends in both camps) and fingers tightly crossed for a VVDF who is 42 and 22 weeks pregnant after a miscarriage that she didn't tell anyone about.

firstsupermum · 28/04/2011 00:59

i realy dont like people mentioning miscarriage specialy when talking with someone who is pregnant or trying to be, i dont see the need of it, yes thats true, to give exemple of becoming pregnant naturaly or after IVF, but not a sad story to someone who is trying to be happy.

Dunka · 28/04/2011 01:14

I wouldn't mention miscarriage to ANY pregnant or TTC person.Simple courtesy.Wished it worked both ways though.Some people's lack of sensivity is just shocking.

Original poster
PicaK · 28/04/2011 07:33

Firstsupermum - I really like the idea of throwing their words behind me. I may adopt a throwing-salt-over-my-shoulder mime in future whe
n I get told this.

Thanks again. Hearing other people's rage and frustration makes me feel normal.

OP posts:
emptyshell · 28/04/2011 07:54

Everyone's got pearls of wisdom, or "inspiring stories" about their great aunt Ethel who couldn't have a child and all of a sudden gave birth to a litter of 6 kittens or whatever - and no one shuts the fuck up.

Best I heard after the last miscarriage "are you sure you're doing it right"... shit no, I didn't realise it wasn't meant to go in THAT hole.

And sorry if my existence offends you firstsupermum - let's go back to making miscarriage and fertility problems taboo huh? I don't particularly want to hear your "inspiring stories" either - they don't give hope, they don't give joy - they just make me want to kill you, slowly... but again we smile sweetly like we're expected to, grovel at the little morsel of goodness from the fertile overlords and then go home and cry more.