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AIBU?

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Original poster

Using the 'n word' in front of my toddler

31 replies

cantseemytoes · 27/04/2011 16:26

The background is that I have a fairly tense relationship with my DP's mother. We never fight and we're always polite but we're definitely not close.

While visiting her at Easter I left the room to feed my 8 week old and DP's mother didn't know that I could hear their conversation. And she used the 'n word' in front of my 2.2 year old DS. I was utterly horrified but by the time I had really realised what had been said the moment had passed to say anything.

So am I being unreasonable in being really really annoyed? And if not, what do I do? Ignore it, or a quiet word that it is really unacceptable to say it, never mind in front of a toddler who repeats everything he hears? For the record, he didn't repeat it but I don't think that's the point. And it's pointless to suggest that my DP has a word with her - he never pulls her up on anything and I've given up expecting him to. If anything is going to be done about this, it's going to have to be done by me!

OP posts:
keepingupwiththejoneses · 27/04/2011 16:33

YADNBU it is horrible word to use in any situation, I am sure you are glad he hasn't repeated it but what you have to think about is if she has said it once she will say it again. If I where you I would speak to her youself, just be nice about it but firm.

frgr · 27/04/2011 16:38

I would make it clear that sort of language was unacceptable.

But I would be more concerned about this bit:

it's pointless to suggest that my DP has a word with her - he never pulls her up on anything and I've given up expecting him to

... aren't you supposed to be a family unit, with a united front when it comes to parenting issues (even if you have to thrash them out and comprimise in private) - and since it's your MIL, it's more appropriate for your DH to communicate it?

Your DH is being a coward, otherwise.

CareyFakes · 27/04/2011 16:40

YANBU. I would've pulled her up on it within seconds.

No form of abuse, racist or sexist or anything is acceptable in any setting. My child will not be witness to such things when I am with her. I have had friends say things I find offensive and disgusting, and I will tell them so. I'm not rude, but I'd make it clear.

BitOfFun · 27/04/2011 16:43

I thought you meant 'No'...

Anyway, yes of course you have to say something. I'm not sure I'd even want him to spend time around peoplewho find that word acceptable, to be truthful. It's not really 'mild' as racism goes, is it? what are they like generally?

nickelbabe · 27/04/2011 16:45

I believe that you should still raise it with her.

Say something like "i didn't raise it then because I didn't want to do so in front of DS, but do not ever use that word again - full stop, not just in front of me, but anywhere. Racist abuse is not tolerable, and Iwill not have it from any relative of mine"

SoloIsApparentlyACougar · 27/04/2011 16:46

So did I BOF.

YANBU.

Bloodymary · 27/04/2011 16:47

What is the N word?
If it is the racist word that I am thinking of, then you have to say something!

Original poster
cantseemytoes · 27/04/2011 16:49

To clarify, yes it is the racist word that rhymes with Tigger

OP posts:
QuelleLeJeff · 27/04/2011 16:49

Me three BOF.

Shock I compare using that word to using the word CUNT. Ask her if she would happily use the word CUNT in front of the baby.

Fucking Hell.

YankNCock · 27/04/2011 16:49

YANBU. You've really got to say something, and if your DH won't, then you'll have to. Something simple as 'Last time we were here, I heard you use the word 'N*' in front of my son, and I'm extremely unhappy about him hearing that kind of language'. Her reaction will tell you what you need to know. If she's embarrassed, apologises and vows to watch herself in future......I'd still be wary but not cut her off.

However, if she starts a fight with you about it and doesn't see what's wrong with it, I'd be thinking about cutting ties. Honestly.

I had something like this come up last Christmas with my FIL and SIL, and made my views on racism quite clear to them. So far so good, nothing been uttered in my presence (and crucially DS's) since.

albania · 27/04/2011 16:50

I thought you meant 'no' too.
My teenagers will kick off if you say that awful word to them too.

YANBU to be annoyed, it probably would have been better to tell her at the time. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't use any foul language or slurs or racism of any kind in front of DS, I don't want him witnessing or repeating that sort of language."

Original poster
cantseemytoes · 27/04/2011 17:46

Thanks for the replies. If I'd been in the room when she said it I'd have challenged her then as I agree it would have been easier. Looks like I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and have a word!!

OP posts:
worraliberty · 27/04/2011 17:51

Are you absolutely sure you heard right from the other room?

It might be best to make it an 'enquiry' and say something along the lines of "It's been bugging me but I thought I heard you say the N word to my DS the other day...you didn't did you? Because if you did that would be totall unacceptable" etc...

Tolalola · 27/04/2011 17:51

Yes I think you will defintiely have to say something. Tbh for her to even use that word suggests that she's likely racist in general. I'd be concerned about my DC spending time with her, as even if she refrains from using that specific word, her attitude may well communicate itself in other ways, iyswim

mitochondria · 27/04/2011 17:54

Reminds me of a conversation I tried to have with my grandad about why he shouldn't teach the boys the original version of "eeny meeny minie mo".

Grandad is 90 and has dementia. He can remember racist ditties, but struggles to understand why it might not be a good idea to teach them to his great-grandchildren.

MIL should know better, and I think you should have a word, if your husband won't do it.

ladymystikal · 27/04/2011 18:29

hi cantseemytoes is your mil black/mixed race who thinks its 'ok' to use that word?im black and alot of my friends sadly use that word. Or is she just being racist?

wotnochocs · 27/04/2011 18:35

To be fair if she's quite old then she won't get the impact of it.When i started at primary school in 1973s 'Eeny meeeny miny mo' was still said with the 'N' word in and the teachers didn't bat an eyelid.

on a lighter note DD2 (6) was looking at the globe and she said 'Nigger' I was totally gobsmacked but sson realised she she meant 'niger'!

Original poster
cantseemytoes · 27/04/2011 19:34

ladymystikal, she is white and is just being racist.
She's only 62 and I definitely heard it right. My DP also confirmed that is what she said and he was in the room with her

OP posts:
WereOffToSeeTheWizard · 27/04/2011 19:37

So your DP is clearly ok with that word then?
What a lovely family they must be.

BigSooz · 27/04/2011 19:44

Oh FFS wotnochocs, anyone who doesn't realise that 'nigger' is an offensive word in the 21st century is a racist twat. I don't care how old they are.

Tell her straight, OP.

RobF · 27/04/2011 19:48

In what context did she use the word? It's not something you hear people say very often nowadays, even those who use other ethnic slurs such as the p word.

galois · 27/04/2011 19:48

tbh, I find the n-word worse than c*.

Also, if a child repeats that at school then they'll get excluded, and possibly worse.

I would go ballistic if anyone said this in earshot of any of my kids.

Vallhala · 27/04/2011 19:50

Whilst i find the word abhorrent I'm not comfortable with the idea of "telling" a grown adult not to say it. Not because I wouldn't have the confidence to do so but because I'm wondering what the hell you do if they look at you and say, "No".

You can ask someone not to say something offensive but you can't tell them. And, if you ask and they say no you're left only with the options of accepting that they won't do as you say or permanently avoiding them.

cantseemytoes, I'm just curious, if you tell MIL that you don't want her saying that word again in front of your son what will you do if she refuses to cooperate?

As an aside, "nigger" is highly offensive but this is an adults' forum where a certain amount of freedom of expression is allowed and it sounds a little pious reading euphemisms such as "The N-word" next to posts about cunts. Naturally I mean this wrt relaying a story as the OP has and am NOT advocating that we should start using the word as a term of abuse but purely in narrative.

Punkatheart · 27/04/2011 19:52

I have had EXACTLY the same problem with my MIL recently. Same word. She also hates all Chinese people (Tibet), Russians (met one, didn't like him) and says really derogatory things about black people ALL THE TIME. My daughter at 14 is not amused and sometimes challenges but I want my OH to talk to her.

My MIL's context was 'The night is dark as a .......' Ignorance, pure and simple...

BigSooz · 27/04/2011 19:54

Vallhala, you can request very firmly that they do not say it around you or your kids, and explain the consequences of if they decide that they would rather continue using disgusting, racist language than see their family.

That is 'teling someonestraight' imo.

I have had this conversation with my ow MIL re: homophobic opinions she has expressed in front of me and, crucially, my children. I won't have it. End of chat.