Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

not to want my home to become a regular free B&B

49 replies

Tanee58 · 27/04/2011 13:42

OK, this might seem a bit harsh. DP has an old college friend, whom I have never met. They live a long way from us. She has a 17 year old son who seems to spend his life on the internet and has made several 'friends' on game sites. A few weeks ago she phoned to say he was coming to London to meet up with a couple of them, staying over with some girls' family, but that if anything went wrong, could he stay with us. Of course, it went belly up, the 'friends' never showed and he spent the whole weekend at ours. Never went out, sat on our laptop all weekend trying to contact his 'friends' through Facebook. I stayed in and provided food etc, didn't want to leave him on his own. Like many teens, he wasn't the greatest conversationalist!

Two weeks ago, it happened again. He came to town with different 'friends', called DP very late at night saying that he lost them somewhere in town, could he stay over. There was more weird stuff about both occasions that made me wonder how much of the truth either his mother or we were being told. Anyhoo, we put him up again. I had to go out the next day before he got up, so I left clear instructions (and DP had given him a demonstration) to double lock the front door when he left. Came home later to find door not double locked (we have had a spate of burglaries in our road recently) - I was NOT impressed. Eventually got a brief text thanking us and a phone message from the mother, suggesting that next time he came to town, he should just stay over with us instead of planning to stay with his 'friends'. DP didn't call her back to suggest this was not a good idea and anyway, such an invitation should come from US!

So, we come home from a weekend away over Easter, to find another message from his mother, saying he's coming to London again today, with four 'friends', but 'just in case...'?

I just said NO NO NO! I know he's only 17, but if his mother is prepared to let him run round the country meeting imaginary friends who promise him a bed for the night and then disappear, I don't see why DP and I should be providing a backstop when it goes wrong. Even my own DD has been scathing about it, she wouldn't dream of planning to stay with internet friends she'd never met! I'm afraid that if we say yes again, this will become a regular event.

So - am I being harsh? What would you do?

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 27/04/2011 13:49

I would also say no.

They are taking the piss.

And I wouldn't mind betting that the plan all along has been to stay at yours! I very much doubt there was ever a bed for the night elsewhere!

Just say no.

I mean, there are several ways to handle it, depending if you want to stay in touch with this woman or not

"sorry, we are away"
"No, we have guests."
"sorry, we have had a shufty and no longer have the room"
"no. And please don't ask again, this is becoming an expectation and it is not fair"
"I'm sorry, no. Perhaps he would be better served paying for somewhere to stay and for his own food in future."
"fuck off, we're not a B&B"

kreecherlivesupstairs · 27/04/2011 13:49

YANBU. I would say no, loud and clear. It sounds to me as if he doesn't have these 'friends' and that you have always been the preferred and free bed.
It would be different if it were the friend, but her son? She is piss taking.

pinkyonthebeach · 27/04/2011 13:50

No you are not being harsh.
Once, fine, ok fair enough.
Second time it was rude of them to use you as a backup but what could you do?

This time NO!!!! NO!!! NO!!
Or rather, "that wont be possible" and leave it at that.

frgr · 27/04/2011 13:53

"No, that doesn't work for us" or "No, that's not going to be possible"

Having learnt a few things the hard way, i've found that in situations like that (potential for confrontation, not doing the easy option) it's best to keep it short, and make people justify why you should do them a favour. otherwise i tend to waffle and end up justifying my "no" myself to the would-be piss taker - silly situation indeed!

I'd definitely say No in your situation though, it's not like you're close to his family or your DD and he get on, etc - no reason to extend the already generious hospitality on another occasion.

CarrotsAreNotTheOnlyVegetables · 27/04/2011 13:53

You gave this boy far too much freedom in your home and now he sees it as a cushy billet.

I would not refuse to let him stay at all if he gets stranded again as I would not like to think of a DC of mine adrift at night with nowhere to go. However, you must limit your help to emergencies only.

Why was he allowed to monopolise your PC? Why was he allowed to lie in bed while you had to go out? Tell him to get out of bed and leave as you have to go out.

You were only asked to be an emergency overnight stop in case his plans fell through. Why did he stay all weekend? He should have either contacted his friends on the first morning or gone home.

Your DH needs to explain clearly that you are offering an emergency overnight stop only and he needs to be out early the next morning. And you are not an internet cafe so he has no need to be anywhere near your PC.

This has to come from your DH as this is his friend. Make sure he is firm on this.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 27/04/2011 13:57

The problem with limiting your help to emergencies only - is that it will always be an emergency! He'll always say he's been let down. he'll show up at their door at midnight claiming he's only just been let down.

If he knows in advance that it will never be possible, then he knows to not try it on.

tell them to book him a room in an ibis or something in advance.

Trust me - 'emergencies only' will not work.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 27/04/2011 14:00

Although, like you suggest, Carrots - a bed for the night and out first thing in the morning, no internet etc may also work. Make it as boring as possible. Throw a slice of toast at him and turf him out at 8am. Bugger waiting until he chose to get up. Stand over him and say time to get up, you need to go now. I have to leave.

alarkaspree · 27/04/2011 14:01

I don't think a 17 year old needs to have their mum's friend as a backup in this situation. As a backup for a genuinely unexpected disaster (e.g. pickpocketed wallet and phone) then yes, but for this entirely foreseeable (because it's happened twice already) issue his mum should just make sure he has enough money for a youth hostel bed.

CarrotsAreNotTheOnlyVegetables · 27/04/2011 14:06

Yes Hecate I think making it as un-cushy as possible might work - ie drag duvet off at 7am as a gentle hint!

Only allow him to do what YOU are prepared to allow and no more.

If this does not work and he and his mother continue to take the piss, then a straight "No" would be in order.

SpringFollows · 27/04/2011 14:18

NO.

And what Hecate says.

pingu2209 · 27/04/2011 14:35

If I am staying at someone's house I believe it is good manners to get up when they do and leave the house when they do. The fact he doesn't would be enough for me to ask him to book a YMCA near to where he will be meeting his friends.

Insomnia11 · 27/04/2011 14:40

Say yes, but "As we seem to be turning into a B&B I'm afraid we'll have to charge him £65 a night, may I have your credit card details please?"

jumpingjackhash · 27/04/2011 14:42

Agree with Hecate - just say no it's no longer possible for him to stay at your place.

You shouldn't need a reason - and if you don't offer one it's easier to stand firm!

Why won't your DP just say no? If it's the don of someone you've not even met they can't be especially close friends.

notwavingjustironing · 27/04/2011 14:45

No I would knock this on the head smartish. I don't understand why your DP is colluding with this?

You personally have nothing to lose by telling the friend/son no to their face/over the phone - they're nothing to you are they?

Or are you worried that you will upset your DP by saying no? It doesn't sound like he's really backing you up on this one.

GooseyLoosey · 27/04/2011 14:47

Just say you can't do it today. Don't offer any justification. I would be pretty annoyed too given what has happened the first 2 times.

jumpingjackhash · 27/04/2011 14:49

son, not 'don'

LucyGoose · 27/04/2011 15:11

Taking the piss, big time. And they don't seem like close friends, so why is DP worried about offending them??

Send her a text back and say sorry, you have family staying and he can't come over. End of.

RoyalFucker · 27/04/2011 15:14

nope

knock it on the head, sharpish

jumpingjackhash · 27/04/2011 15:15

If you suggest it's just on this occasion you can't put him up (e.g. friends visiting) you'll have the same issue when he next fancies a weekend in London.

Groovee · 27/04/2011 15:16

Sounds like he's worked out how he can go to London and have time away thinking he's getting a freebie. I'd text mum some local B&B's and it will soon stop.

thinNigella · 27/04/2011 15:18

Has happened to me in the past.
Was solved early on Sunday morning by shouting up the stairs ' Are you up yet, did you want a cuppa before you go - I have to leave in half an hour so if you want a shower get a move on!' Haven't seen them since

confuseddotcodotuk · 27/04/2011 15:23

Tell them about Couchsurfers and say no. Couchsurfers will put him up for a night or two and he'll soon learn to respect them or he won't get offered somewhere to stay again. There are also hostels about. He should be able to pay his own way if he's gallivanting around the country, especially if he's meeting strangers!

Original poster

Tanee58 · 27/04/2011 15:29

Thanks - some of your responses have made me laugh - whilst earlier, I was fuming!

The last time he came, I did make it as boring as possible - I hid the laptop before I left! - otherwise I suspect he'd have been there the whole weekend. I tried to make him feel at home the first time, because I'd never met him before and felt sorry for him as it was his first time in London alone (though I couldn't understand why he didn't want to just go out alone with an Oyster card - wild horses wouldn't have kept me indoors at his age!)

DD's opinion (she's a feisty 19 yr old) was, 'he can either get a night as a rent boy, or get a B&B - that's what they're for!'

I think DP feels bad about saying no as he and the mother were close friends at uni, but that was 35 years ago and they hardly ever meet now, or even talk on the phone. He's planning to ignore the phone tonight. He suggested we just say we're out till late, but then thought that he'd just fetch up on the doorstep and wait for us. If his mother calls again, I'll be telling her that actually, it's just not (ever) convenient, but that we can supply the phone numbers of some cheap hostels...

I still can't understand how his mother can be happy letting him meet internet friends without seriously checking them out herself, first.

OP posts:

notwavingjustironing · 27/04/2011 15:33

Then your DP needs to step up here. Hiding from the phone isn't the answer.

Dont take this on yourself. If its someone he "knew" at Uni 35 years ago, it's his responsibility, not yours. If she's that big a mate, why have you not met him - have you been together for years?

I'm with DD. In fact, she sounds like she would tell him where to get off!

OryxCrake · 27/04/2011 15:34

You are absolutely not BU! When my 17yo visited a friend in another town recently he booked a nearby b&b (they have a small-ish flat and three kids). He went to spend time with them, not sponge off them!

Flip

1 2