not to want my home to become a regular free B&B

[Tanee58]

OK, this might seem a bit harsh. DP has an old college friend, whom I have never met. They live a long way from us. She has a 17 year old son who seems to spend his life on the internet and has made several 'friends' on game sites. A few weeks ago she phoned to say he was coming to London to meet up with a couple of them, staying over with some girls' family, but that if anything went wrong, could he stay with us. Of course, it went belly up, the 'friends' never showed and he spent the whole weekend at ours. Never went out, sat on our laptop all weekend trying to contact his 'friends' through Facebook. I stayed in and provided food etc, didn't want to leave him on his own. Like many teens, he wasn't the greatest conversationalist!

Two weeks ago, it happened again. He came to town with different 'friends', called DP very late at night saying that he lost them somewhere in town, could he stay over. There was more weird stuff about both occasions that made me wonder how much of the truth either his mother or we were being told. Anyhoo, we put him up again. I had to go out the next day before he got up, so I left clear instructions (and DP had given him a demonstration) to double lock the front door when he left. Came home later to find door not double locked (we have had a spate of burglaries in our road recently) - I was NOT impressed. Eventually got a brief text thanking us and a phone message from the mother, suggesting that next time he came to town, he should just stay over with us instead of planning to stay with his 'friends'. DP didn't call her back to suggest this was not a good idea and anyway, such an invitation should come from US!

So, we come home from a weekend away over Easter, to find another message from his mother, saying he's coming to London again today, with four 'friends', but 'just in case...'?

I just said NO NO NO! I know he's only 17, but if his mother is prepared to let him run round the country meeting imaginary friends who promise him a bed for the night and then disappear, I don't see why DP and I should be providing a backstop when it goes wrong. Even my own DD has been scathing about it, she wouldn't dream of planning to stay with internet friends she'd never met! I'm afraid that if we say yes again, this will become a regular event.

So - am I being harsh? What would you do?

YANBU! My neice came and stayed with us in Oz as she was passing through....I had to keep her for over a month....she ate us out of house and home and never even washed up once!

Teens!

YANBU. If he wants to be in London so much, he needs to get a fecking job, save up some money, and get his own room there.

You should just get your DD to answer the phone or door - sounds like she'd be quite clear on 'no vacancies'!

Yanbu

they are taking the piss.

JumpingJack, I wish! Sadly, she's not living at home any more, though I might ask her to visit if he's expected!

Yes, I agree this needs to come from DP. The first time he came, DP was working over the weekend (hence me stuck babysitting) - and I had several phone conversations with his mother as she was worried about him, so much so that I never thought she'd let him do this again. DP hadn't even seen her himself for 30 years, when they had a reunion of sorts with other friends from college. I didn't go as DP and I weren't living together then. They haven't met since. So one meeting in 30 years does not, I feel, give her the right to foist her son on us. Espec as he didn't even lock the door behind him! Trouble is, DP - like any of us - wants to be liked - and finds it hard to say no. I know, however, that he'll be seething inside.

Sometimes I just can't be arsed if I am "liked" or not

this is one of those times

I agree that a simple "I'm afraid that won't work for us/isn't convenient/isn't possible" coupled with an offer of B&B, Youth Hostel details is plenty. You don't need to make excuses. Either he'd big enough to go to London or he's not, either way it's not your problem to sort out.

If your DP is going to struggle being up-front with his friend/her son, then maybe you just need to bite the bullet and do it. I can see how the lack of relationship (iykwim) between you and the friend could work to your benefit.

I'll bet when she met him again after 30 years, she instantly stored him up as "useful" because of him living in London. He just has to say "No" Once as emergency cover was kind. The second time you hoped it wouldn't happen again.

Now its just getting silly. He can make proper arrangements with his friends, or book himself a youth hostel, B&B, cheap hotel, or whatever. Its his (and Her) responsibility to make sure he has somewhere to stay, not yours.

If you do it again this time you will never be able to get rid of him.

He wants to be liked by someone he's met up with once in 30 years?

He needs to get over that.

It may be another 30 years before he comes across her again. What does it matter if she hates him?

Agree with all the others - YANBU

So Tanee58, did he pitch up?!

Havnt read all this thread but YANBU.....say no no no! Dont let him stay anymore. You are NOT a B&B. Darn cheek IMHO of the mother etc. and the son.

Morning all, thanks again for all your contributions. It's been very reassuring to feel that I'm not overreacting or being hard on this innocent idiot child and his mother. (He's 6ft 2 so hardly a vulnerable-victim in appearance).

Confused, I've never heard of Couchsurfers. Thanks for that (might be useful if DD ever plans to travel - and I know she'd make her bed, wash up, say thankyou and generally make herself a good houseguest)!

Well, he didn't fetch up last night. DP's mobile phone was (conveniently) on charge late evening, but there were no calls on the landline either. I'm hoping that the lack of response to his mother's phonecall led them to believe that we were on holiday. However, I do fully expect it to happen again now, and I'm prepared. Someone we know suggested that these internet 'friends' may not exist at all, as we don't know what his relationship with his parents is like. He may just be fancying some time out away from home, and inventing the 'friends' in the expectation that we will give him a bed/meal/internet access. Certainly his stories sounded dodgy (first 'friend' couldn't meet him as her father had died in Warwick and she had to go there to make arrangements and would call him when she got back to London, late - then she disappeared and wasn't answering her phone (according to another 'friend') and everyone was worried about her until she came on Facebook days later, to say she'd been upset, but was ok now; the second time, a different 'friend' hadn't warned his own mother that he was bringing a friend home, (despite the trip having been planned for a couple of weeks) and then couldn't ring her as his phone was out of charge/credit (so why not ring her on the Child's phone?) and then they lost each other in Oxford Street...so as you can see, they seem to be the sort of unlikely stories a 17 year old WOULD make up!

I agree that making excuses like we have friends staying/are going to be out etc won't work long-term. I suspect I'll never meet the mother and after this, frankly, I don't particularly want to. So if there IS a next time, we'll be just saying no (DP has come round to seeing that this is the best way), whether he'll be able to do it though, I don't know - but I'll be happy for him to pass the phone to me and I'LL tell her! (actually, I'm normally a very nice person!) I may also suggest to her that, as a mother myself, I'm a bit concerned about the unreliability of these 'friends' and maybe she should check them out a bit before letting him go? And if he does the 'Oh Mum, get off my back' line, she can just give him £50 for a B&B.

Of course, it's always possible that she's on MN herself, and has read this thread! - in which case, we'll now be off the Christmas card list!

YANBU, Is this kid your dh's secret lovechild?? If not then tell him to bugger off.

Having had a 17 year old lad, who is now 20 and tbh not much better, the dead father story sounds like an excuse from the girl. But the "cant ring my mum, I havent told her you are staying" sounds bang on. The number of fantastical schemes that DS and his mates came up with that fell at the first fence as they didnt make sure they had actually planned properly is in the hundreds! My personal favourite was the holiday that they planned to nth degree, what they would do, where they were going out blah blah. Until 2 days before and they still hadnt booked anywhere to stay and found out that because of the event they wanted to see (a festival) accomodation was rarer than hens teeth and had all been booked up a year previously!

They were genuinely confused as to why this would be! 17 year olds really are that gormless as to arrive in a large city with no plan other than "it'll be ok, X who I have never met said it will be fine" :o

No, thank goodness, he's not his lovechild - he hadn't seen the mother since about 1975 until the 30th anniversary reunion (he did have a GF amongst the group of friends, but she's lovely, not a user, I've met her and her (lovely, but not his) son several times and she and her family are ALWAYS welcome here!). Even if the Child were DP's Godson, I could understand it, but he's no relation at all. DP's never had children, so I think that's one reason why he's not sure how to handle this. But I'd never expect distant friends to bail out my DD on a regular basis, and if they did give her a bed for the night, I'd be plying them with chocolates!

Bogeyface, good to hear it from a mother of a 17 year old's perspective ! Maybe girls are just more sensible? DD went to Glasto last year, she was 17 when she and her friends booked and they had it all researched, budgeted and planned to the nth degree! Maybe boys are more ad hoc (I know DP is, and he's 56! .

However, it's the mother I blame, more than the Child, for expecting us to step in THREE TIMES!! And it's the assumption that we will, that rankles.

Well - as the mother of a 17-year-old who has travelled through London on his own to meet up with a friend in Essex, I can tell you definitely that you are NOT being unreasonable. Agreeing to be an emergency contact was very good of you indeed, and in his mum's position, I would be very grateful indeed that my ds had had somewhere safe to stay. However, if I found out he had spent all weekend sitting in the house, monopolising your computer, I would have handed out a huge bollocking. In fact, if his arrangements fell through and he needed to go to his emergency contact, I would expect him to come home the next day and not to impose on you any further.

And I certainly would not be expecting you to have him to stay over and over again - nor would I be making the assumption that you'd be willing to do so. In fact, I would have phoned you after the first time, to thank you in person and I'd have sent flowers too.

It is more the mother. A 17 year old lad would just think "Oh I can stay at X's again" they wouldnt think of the inconvenience etc. But if I was his mother I would thank you for the first time and make damn sure that his plans were in concrete so it didnt happen again! If it did i would apologising profusely to you and going mental at him!

I think I'll be waiting a long time for flowers...DP said that one night sleeping on the streets of London would be a good strong lesson for the Child, but really, I don't understand his mother's assumption that we'd be happy to put him up every time. I'm sure he's a lovely son - but he's not OUR lovely son!

YANBU, for not wanting to put him up.

Isn't the mother worried that he's planning to meet people off the internet?

I don't think she'll even be thinking about whether you are "happy" to put him up - so long as you aren't actually refusing or complaining, why should she worry? That might be because she doesnt think about other people's convenience, or it might be because she comes from an "open to all comers" kind of family where having near-strangers camped out all the time doesn't bother them in the slightest.

The important thing is to make clear to her that you're not ok with it - you just have to be firm next time she asks.

Exactly, Totem, I can't imagine why she's letting him meet people whom he's 'met' on some random game site, especially as he claims to be staying over with them (until they disappear). Even if he does claim to know them on Facebook. And to let him travel 150 miles to do it...!