Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Playing out alone at 7? peer/parent pressure

39 replies

janeybo · 27/04/2011 10:47

My DS is 7 & a half and yesterday some school friends called round for him. I naively thought they were going to cycle up & down on their bikes on the front on the pavement where we live (he has not even done this before prior to yesterday, due to too many nice parked cars, uneven paving stones & exposed tree roots). Plus as an older mum who didn't have kids till nearly 40 I am protective about my 1st born DS.
Anyway to cut a long story short they basically disappeared (without cycling helmets) supposedly going to one of the other boys houses & weren't seen for hours??? The other two mums were unconcerned about this and frequently let their DS's (both aged 7) roam on their own with or without bikes or helmets (as we used to do when we were kids). It turned out they had been in a wood, all round quite a big estate and to two shops (both involing crossing quite busy roads) and goodness knows where else they'd been. He came back tired, unhurt, hungry but had had a great time.
I know I will have to slowly start giving my DS more freedom (but wanted to do this gradually on our terms with boundaries). Am I being unreasonable? Also any ideas on how best to go about this, as yesterday I was a nervous wreck all afternoon and myself and my DD 1 year younger were housebound or pounding the streets looking for them?
Also both the other boys are allowed mobile phones (but apparently never take them out with them so their mums can't contact them)? All three of them are among the 4 brightest kids in the class yet the other two boys have few manners, show little respect for others and seem to have to few boundaries at home.

Please don't be too hard on me as this is my first posting. :)

OP posts:

evilgdil · 27/04/2011 10:50

do what you are comfertable with. and set boundaires. if you only want him on your street, tell him that. or he will just wander.

tulpe · 27/04/2011 10:52

YANBU to want to extend your son's freedom within boundaries set by you.

Did you discuss with the children where they were going to play and set up any rules before they left?

We have just started letting our 7 year old DS play out but on the proviso that he stays within certain distances of the house, not playing on the road (quiet street but cars occasionally use as fast cut through when level crossing closed......but that's another rant). TBH this is quite young for us as DS1 who is now 10 has only just been allowed to go to play out on the street and local park.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 27/04/2011 10:53

MY DS is 8 and I dont let him play out front....I dont care what pressure he gets from friends/parents (not that he gets any) - he still aint playing out the front, not so much stranger danger but for fear of him getting hit by a car.

He isnt bothered and I have told him we will discuss it when he is about 10!

Like Evil says, do what you are comfortable with!

ConnorTraceptive · 27/04/2011 10:53

Ds is five and plays out the front with friends but he knows the rules that he must never leave the street. I would not be comfortable with him going off at 7 although I know I did as a child!

worraliberty · 27/04/2011 10:55

You really need to set boundaries.

He should never have left the street without telling you...but then again, you should have made it clear to him not to do this.

If you wanted him to wear a helmet, you should have made sure he had one on.

Don't worry about the other kid's mobile phones, get one for your child and make sure he takes it in a zip up pocket.

Set your own rules, make sure you child understands them and stop judging others when it comes to their rules and arrangements.

Eglu · 27/04/2011 10:59

You let hime out without setting any boundaries. Children will not automatically know how far they are allowed to roam.

DS1 is the same age as your DS and I allowed him to play out in the street from last summer. We live in a very quiet village, but he is still only allowed in our street. He must wear his watch and he must come home at the time I have specified.

therealmrsbeckham · 27/04/2011 11:02

I agree. Only do what you are comfortable with. IMO 7 is very young to be going out with friends would have been a nervous wreck too.

I started letting DD go out into the village and walking to school with her friends when she turned 10 before that she was either at friends home or out with responsible adult.

DD has now got a phone and she knows that one of our rules is that she always has her phone with her and does not ingnore it if it rings

We have clear boundaries ie: set time to be home etc

Peer pressure can be difficult be I would say if you feel strongly enough or uncomfortable about something stick to your guns.

I;m having thins very thing at the minute with bloody facebook - most of DD's friends are on it but there's no way that I will allow her to have a facebook account until she's 13 and then there will be very strict conditions!

seeker · 27/04/2011 11:04

I let mine play out. BUT. There are places they are not allowed to go. We have discussed where and why and they understand what the boundaries are. And they have to wear a watch and check in every hour, either in person or by phone - we have an old phone that doesn't matter if it gets lost and will not be stolen for this purpose. (irritatingly, this phone is never actually lost - while we have between us lost 2 Iphones and a Blackberry!)

breathing · 27/04/2011 11:05

I have just stolen some kids...see my post......and am quite worried these kids havent asked their folks. Ther are decent people out there, have faith

Original poster

janeybo · 27/04/2011 11:21

Thank you all for all the advice. It all happened very quickly and they were off before I knew it.

One of them had a watch and they said they were going for a short cycle around the block and that they said they would be back in 5 minutes (which would have been ok). After 10 minutes I phoned the other boys parents . It won't happen again for a long time. If we lived somewhere quieter I think I may be inclined to let him out again with boundaries i.e just on our front for a very short time period and that he dosn't disappear from view, but other than that he won't be out of our sight again for quite a while unless it's under the watchfull eye of another parent with similar ideas to our own.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 27/04/2011 11:38

Why though? He's done nothing wrong.

He hasn't crossed any boundaries or broken any rules because there were none.

Why not start with letting him play outside now and work up slowly towards more trust for the coming Summer Holiday?

And don't be worrying about nice cars, broken pavements and exposed tree roots. He needs to learn to avoid these things...it's part of growing up.

seeker · 27/04/2011 11:45

Honestly, I wouldn;t do that - particularly if the other kids in the area are let out.

Sort out some boundaries with him, tell him if he breaks them, then he won't be allowed out and try again.

WhiteBumOfTheMountain · 27/04/2011 11:48

YANBU My DD is almost 7 and she is only allowed in front of the house...even then I check on her regularly. You will have to impress on DS tht he is NOT allowed out of sight of the house.

aliceliddell · 27/04/2011 11:50

My main concern was safety (dd has survived to age 11, so must have done this bit right-ish). She was walked the route to take from school a few times to make sure she knew where/how to cross roads etc before doing it alone. When playing out, had clear rules about where to stop etc. Seemed to work. Same with getting bus home etc. Practice with them first so they know what to do.

rockinhippy · 27/04/2011 11:51

I'm with worraliberty on this one, its great for his confidence & learning how to cope with the world outside -

I CAN understand your worry though, especially with him just disappearing off like that, so agree you need to set boundaries, but don't wrap him in cotton wool & let it be something you BOTH feel comfortable with, also spend some time hammering safety issues into him - tree roots cars etc etc that worry you so much, as well as stranger danger & sticking with the group of friends at all times

I envy the fact that you CAN let him go off where you live, my DD is 8 & very sensible & I would LOVE to be able to give her that freedom, but we are in the middle of a City, very busy road & too many freaks nearby, & most importantly no other kids close by, so they can't gang up together for safety, she understands why, but gets upset when she visits other family members & can have that freedom of playing out in the street with a gang of kids & then has to come home :(

therealmrsbeckham · 27/04/2011 11:52

Seeker isn't that peer pressure? The OP has to be happy with her arrangements for her DS regardless of what otherchildren do surely.

seeker · 27/04/2011 12:07

I don;t think it's peer pressure exactly. But if all the other children are in the street are off having fun - and the op did say her son had a great time - it would be very hard to be the child who wasn't allowed to go. Particularly with the summer holidays coming. I think ti's better to find a way for the child to ahve some freedom - it's not just about the OP's feelings. Sometimes we have to let out children do things we would much rather they didn't - because they are people too!

Original poster

janeybo · 27/04/2011 12:46

This is getting more difficult. The other boys don't live in our street and they are not even his best friends from his school class. Usually he dosn't like these two lads as although they are bright they mess around a lot in class etc.

It all happened so fast yesterday as the boys turned up unannounced. I do agree with seeker in that he didn't do anything wrong and whilst he won't be going off with those two boys again for awhile. As I feel they are allowed too much freedom and responsibilty at too young an age. You don't know the half of it, far too much to go into here.

But I will start to let him play on the front gradually this summer with a more trusted friend or go round the block on his bike (with clearly understood boundaries).

OP posts:

seeker · 27/04/2011 13:06

There is no correlation between brighness and desirable behaviour!

DooinMeCleanin · 27/04/2011 13:11

Hmm dd1 is 7 and half and has a lot of freedom but I wouldn't like her crossing busy roads on a bike or going off where I didn't know where she was.

We are lucky in that we live directly opposite a park so she can wander into the park or up and down or cul de sac type street and the adjoining side streets, but she must let me know who she is with and where I can find her.

If we didn't live on such a quiet (traffic wise) street, she wouldn't be allowed half as much freedom.

That said I don't think there is anything wrong with your ds playing on the street.

squeakytoy · 27/04/2011 13:12

He came back tired, unhurt, hungry but had had a great time.

I dont really see a problem then.

rockinhippy · 27/04/2011 13:12

thats fair enough janey you obviously know more about the boys concerned & from your update there are obviously other reasons for you to be worried, which makes far more sense now -

your compromise sounds like a great plan of action, good luck to you both :)

valiumredhead · 27/04/2011 13:20

IMO you were at fault here not your ds for not setting clear boundaries/times to back etc.

Learn from this and move on.

Make sure he has a watch and checks in back home every 15 mins to start with. If he doesn't - well he's not old enough to be out yet and try again in a couple of months.

Show him EXACTLY where on the road he is allowed to go ( my ds wasn't allowed further than the lamp post for example at that age)

You have to start young or by the time they are 10 ish they have no common sense whatsoever with roads etc.

Here all the kids walk to school at 9 onwards so we had to start at about age 7 ish so ds was prepared. We started with going to the shop for some milk and back and progressed to playing out with mates and checking in every half an hour as he got more confident and he proved himself to be trustworthy.

Kids learn more socially from walking to and from school and playing out than anything else IMO. It's SO good for them.

And don't rely on 'trusted' friends - that lulls you into a false sense of security, it's up to you to teach your ds common sense and 'the rules' so he knows what to do and not be swayed by anyone else he is playing out with.

MorticiaAddams · 27/04/2011 13:35

I agree that it was your fault for not setting boundaries but now you know then you can set them and make sure he sticks to them. My two had strict boundaries at first but are now 12 and 10 and are allowed a lot more freedom. Once they were going out of sight for longer periods I gave them a mobile phone to use so that I could get hold of them or vice versa.

biryani · 27/04/2011 13:39

YANBU, but he's learned a lot from his experience of being out and about. So have you, by the sound of it!! He's still quite young, so will probably need things spelled out for a while. Slowly you will gain more confidence in him and feel more relaxed. My DD has been quite independent since that age - going to the shops with a list etc - and independence is so good for children both in terms of their social development and dealing with everyday risks. I'm always surprised at the risk- averseness (is that a word??) of most parents (particularly of boys, strangely..) around here. They are hardly ever seen alone in the streets or in the local park, which is a shame. Just go with your common sense and don't worry what others think.

Flip

1 2