Playing out alone at 7? peer/parent pressure

[janeybo]

My DS is 7 & a half and yesterday some school friends called round for him. I naively thought they were going to cycle up & down on their bikes on the front on the pavement where we live (he has not even done this before prior to yesterday, due to too many nice parked cars, uneven paving stones & exposed tree roots). Plus as an older mum who didn't have kids till nearly 40 I am protective about my 1st born DS.
Anyway to cut a long story short they basically disappeared (without cycling helmets) supposedly going to one of the other boys houses & weren't seen for hours??? The other two mums were unconcerned about this and frequently let their DS's (both aged 7) roam on their own with or without bikes or helmets (as we used to do when we were kids). It turned out they had been in a wood, all round quite a big estate and to two shops (both involing crossing quite busy roads) and goodness knows where else they'd been. He came back tired, unhurt, hungry but had had a great time.
I know I will have to slowly start giving my DS more freedom (but wanted to do this gradually on our terms with boundaries). Am I being unreasonable? Also any ideas on how best to go about this, as yesterday I was a nervous wreck all afternoon and myself and my DD 1 year younger were housebound or pounding the streets looking for them?
Also both the other boys are allowed mobile phones (but apparently never take them out with them so their mums can't contact them)? All three of them are among the 4 brightest kids in the class yet the other two boys have few manners, show little respect for others and seem to have to few boundaries at home.

Please don't be too hard on me as this is my first posting. :)

My ds1 is just 6. He's allowed out at times, but has very clear rules, ie under no circumstances is he to walk/play/cross any road. Some of the kids play on the road (quiet street) but I've told him that it's not up to me to set their rules, just hus rules. He's actually fine with that. It seems that he's happy at being out with them, and he'd rather be out than being banned purely because I don't like what the other kids do.

There is a massive difference between giving him some freedom and letting him disappear for hours. You learned the lesson that boundaries have to be set - don't ban him from playing outside - he clearly loved it, and didn't do anything wrong so don't punish him. You were happy enough to let him out to play in the first place, so clearly set out what's ok and what isn't

well, I don't know where you all live who allow your 7 year olds to wander at will but I certainly haven't seen hoards of them out and about recently! Is it a bit of a competition to prove how blase we all are about letting our kids out?? I let my 2 (7&4) out on our quiet avenue but have quiet strict rules about where they can go and I keep my eye on them. It's not so much stranger danger as traffic tbh, but I can't pretend I don't shit myself when I can't see them! Why not? They are the most precious things in the world to me and I think I can let them learn self confidence and self reliance without putting them in danger. And at 7 I'm not sure how much road sense children can have judging by my dd and her friends, all they need is to see a cat or similar and they are off. Maybe all these 7 years olds roaming around alone are responsible for the high car vs child accident statistics?
Don't know why the OP is getting such stick for not setting boundaries, you live and learn. Let her bring up her child at her own pace,, if she is posting a similar issue when he is 16 give her a hard time then!

DS is about the same age but I dont let him out without an adult. Thankfully there is no peer pressure on him and he's fine with it. Even though its a cul de sac there are still cars and very easy to get distracted whilst playing.

Thanks biryani & happy mum of one & sypathetic posters. Yes I did let him go on the bike (guilty as accused) but was under the impression from the other two if was only for a few minutes and I did shout after them only round the block & to stay on the pavements etc.i thought they wouldn't get far). Later on he was supposed to be at one of the boys houses he is an only one and i went round to see his mum who was most insistant on him staying at theirs to play (to keep her son amused) and that she would keep an eye on them etc. He was in the house at the time playing on the wii. Against my better judgement (also i wanted to spend his last day off school with him). I was pressurised into agreeing. I explained to my ds, the boy and his mum that he hadn't been out much on his bike so i didn't want him on roads. They agreed. When I went to collect him at the agreed time mum said she had't seen them for a couple of hours. She was totally ok with this.....!
The boys came round again at the weekend but we were out.
Anyway tonight they came round again wanting to take him to the cemetry......to play!!! I stuck to my guns and refused. I said they could all play in our garden, in the house or go round the block but that was it. Anyway they did this for awhile but eventually got bored and left to go to the cemetry without him. Apparently they are allowed to play outside until 7.30 on a school night and later on a weekend ( it's true as they came round again at 7 as my ds was going in the shower. my ds was a bit upset at missing out tonight but we feel he's too precious and still too young for us to give him too much freedom & resonsibility at such a young age.

I agree that your son did nothing wrong - he wasn't give clear rules or boundaries, so there wasn't any rules to break. That said, I don't see it as a problem either - we all live and learn, and you'll probably have clearer boundaries next time!

My DD is also 7 and she is allowed to play out in the street. Several of her friends are allowed to play out too, so our rules are:

• She has strict boundaries of where she is and is not allowed to go. Within those boundaries (parts of our road, adjoining road and the park which adjoins the adjoining road) she is allowed to go wherever she pleases but not beyond the park.

• She has a mobile phone which she carries in a zipped up pocket. Any problems, deviations etc she phones me immediately. My number is on fast dial on her phone (cheap £10 payg, nothing special).

• She has an agreed time when she must be home by. If she wants an extension to staying out, she must phone me by that time to arrange it. (or the answer is no).

• She does not go off with any adult - known or unknown. Even if a friend's mum asks her to go back and play at their house, she must phone and ask me first. I must know where she is at all times (out on street / in someone's house).

• She does not go into the bushes or nature reserve.

• She only crosses the road in front of our house (where it is safe).

• She breaks those rules and she will be grounded for at least a week.

• She is also very clued up on stranger danger. She knows that children are taken by adults and never seen again. She knows that sometimes the children may even know these adults, so it is not always strangers. She knows not to take sweets / drinks etc from people, she knows that if someone tries to force her into their car she must shout 'No, this is not my mummy/daddy' to alert someone else's attention. She knows what to do if approached by a stranger in the park (to run to a house opposite - child who lives there goes to her school). We have discussed /practised this since she was 4!

We are now working on our youngest DD (aged 4) and starting to prepare her for when she is allowed to play out. For example, we're starting to teach my 4 year old her green cross code, her phone number and address, what to do if she is approached by an adult etc. DD2 is not allowed to play out on our shared private driveway with her big sister, where she is in earshot at all times. In a couple of years, she will be allowed to wander a bit further too. Initially on to the pavement outside our house, then a bit further down the road and so on..

Also, between us adults we do go across and check up on them periodically, and so we all keep an eye on each other's kids, make sure they're not getting in to trouble etc...

I guess it is all down to personal opinion, choice and circumstances i.e. where you live and having other children close by with parents of a similar mind set to your own etc.
Where we live the park is quite far away and involves crossing a very busy road and the only kids on our street are either teenagers or 2 or 3 year old girls.
My child is aware of stranger and not so stranger danger and has some road sense but I think having as much freedom as these boys here have is ridiculous. These two lads come from outwardly respectable homes. But both swear, have mobile phones, seem to have access to unlimited amounts of money to buy red bull and weird sweets, try to act and speak like teenagers and basically don't know what to do next at the moment. I don't think their families care where they are as long as they are not under their feet. They came round again tonight.
Anyway this week I spoke to some other parents who live closer to the park and only one child is allowed out to play at the bottom of his street and on the park and only then when he is with some boys a school year older. He has only been allowed to do this since easter and his birthday is in September.

Actually Janey, I do think the two boys are not hugely relevant here. I think it is more important to ask yourself how trustworthy your son is rather than the other boys?

For example, my DD is not allowed to go to the nature reserve at the back of our house. Her friends go there. I do not like this. Yet, I allow my DD to go with these friends because I know if they go there, she won't and she phones me instead. I can let her do this, because when her friends break the rules, she doesn't. Personally I'd never put my trust in another person's child. I'm much more concerned about whether my own child can be trusted to stand up and do the right thing rather than get carried along by other children.

If I had a child that was easily swept along with peer pressure in that way, then I would think they are too young to be out alone. But if my child was more trustworthy and would not misbehave, then I would be less worried about the friends, as I would know I could trust my child.

The problem here is that it was new territory - so there were no rules!

Now he's getting to the age of "But so-and-so's mum lets him" (oh, how I hate those words!) you need to figure out what is okay for your family.

My mum's rule was that we had to be within earshot (i.e. within our block). If we didn't come back when she yelled on us, that meant we had been outwith the boundaries and man alive would we be in trouble!!! Something like that might work - either street boundaries or a list of okayed places to be.

DD is also 7 1/2 and we live on terrace narrow street cars parked both sides. for the past year she's been allowed out with friends ON STREET ONLY (its a side street - dead end at the top - but CAN get quite busy as there's side streets off our street!) if not on street she#ll play in back alley or at a friends house on same street. trust her but not naive enough to believe she's infallible!

each to their own. if you think he not safe for whatever reason, then stick to your guns!

Well each to there own.
As I say it depends on your view point, where you live (proximity of other children) and like minded parents.
We live in a very nice area and no other kids on the block appart from teenagers are out and definitely no one from DS's class is out and allowed to freely roam around like these two.
I tried saying he could go up and down the street and around the block with them if he checked in regularly, but these two weren't satisfied so they decided....they would just go off to the cemetry on their own?

only you can know what your area is like, what these friends are like and how likely your ds is to cope with anything he might encounter out and about. I really couldn't say whether it wouldbe ok. If it doesn't sit right with you, it doesn't

I certainly don't know where all these kids are who are allowed to play out - we live on a terraced street with lots of other families but NONE play out. DS is 8 now and I would be happy for him to play but there is nothing doing locally, so we're still at the stage of arranging 'playdates' with his mates.
I would love him to have that time playing out informally with his friends as I did as a kid.
regarding the OP I would say your instincts were the same as mine would be - happy for them to play around the block but not to be off god knows where. 7 too young for that I think.

Thanx zz & sleeping well.