My MIL is an annoying old goat

[iamusuallybeingunreasonable]

Having family live at a distance is the pits, every single holiday, bank or otherwise, seems to be taken up within seeing to PIL needs, we both work full time and would like our lives back!

Arghhh, back from a weekend will the MIL and needed to get this little lot off my chest? you can tell me I am being unreasonable ? but good god, how can one person be so bleeding annoying?!

1 ? My baby doesn?t like her ? she is 9 months old and won?t be held by her, screams when she sees her, doesn?t like her pushing her pram? a good friend of mine said, well you know that babies are a good judge of character, like dogs ha, and given the MIL doesn?t hold back in terms of being nasty with me, it?s highly likely my baby feels this nastiness seeping through her every pore 

2 ? She is loud, rude, in your face and likes everyone to hear her when we are out? example from the weekend, having a lovely lunch in a nice restaurant with extended family, poor underpaid waitress brings the wrong dish to the table, she goes BALLISTIC ?we didn?t order THAT, take it back, we don?t want it? said with a poe faced sour nastiness? when a ?we didn?t order the lamb my dear, we ordered the chicken? would have sufficed

3 ? When we arrived, having not seen baby for 3 months, did she fuss over her or her son for that matter? nah, she asked DH to look at her printer/scanner? go figure, loving mother huh?

4 ? Having driven 400 miles to see her, paid to stay in a hotel as there is no room at the inn for crap (another story), did she offer us a bite to eat like any civil person would? no? we had not eaten since lunch, she lives in a remote area, we had a 10 pm mcdonalds on the road, not exactly nutritious

5 ? Every single effing time I go to breastfeed my baby, she follows me around going ?good feed mmm?? ? she hates me breastfeeding

6 ? She doesn?t call me mum or mummy to my baby ? rather uses the term the ?dinner lady? in homage to my breastfeeding, and also a little dig I feel that my baby is only clingy to me as I provide food, nothing to do with love, affection

7 ? As soon as I get the pram out of the car she runs off with baby, baby usually crying as baby doesn?t like her, won?t let me push my own child in her pram ? I work full time, I get very little time with my child as it is, does she not think I might like to push her out occasionally, baby starts hysterically crying as she wants mummy, as soon as mummy quieten?s baby, MIL bangs her face right up to baby, scares the living daylights out of her, tears again

8 ? She dished up lunch on Monday, and gave me the tiniest portion of roast dinner known to man, and this I was to ?share? with my blw baby? my DH however had a food mountain on his plate, and I got 2 snarled looking, full of eyes roast potatoes on mine as some kind of gift of sourness!! I am no twiggy, in fact, I know I am still carrying baby weight, but I don?t need her enforcing diets on me ? it?s the same every time we stay, I always go home lightheaded and full of a headache due to lack of food intake!

9 ? When I try to get baby to sleep, I get a audience ? what baby has ever gone to sleep when it has a mooning daft face peering at it, trying to wake it up? she stands are stares at me rocking her, waiting desperately for it not to work

10 ? She?s been in the loft, and got a nasty snarled old toy out from 30 years ago? it smells of sick, she boils it in water, it still smells of sick... and she likes to put her fingers in my baby?s mouth ? this I cannot abide, mine fine, but not hers

11 ? Baby has blue eyes, none of DH family have, I have? ?let me think, where does she get those blue eyes from, I?ll remember in a bit, its coming to me, oh great great great grandpa? ? not her effing mother then?!?! She looks like everyone, but me, my baby is the image of my brother when he was a baby, looks nothing like the miniature gargoyle?s on DH?s side, to say a baby is ugly is not a nice thing, but the baby?s on DH?s side are challenging aesthetically!

Maybe it?s me, perhaps I am too sensitive, but good lord, what happens to women when they reach a certain age, when she is pushing the pram and mooning, she is thinking ?look at me, and my baby? when all anyone sees is an old crusty hag living out a fantasy, it?s my grandchild this, my grandchild that, let?s go and visit Mrs whatever in the whatever shop who doesn?t know you, but who I can moon over you in front of while your all in tears and wanting milk from the ?dinner lady? ? AGHHH, its off my chest now!

Surely I am not the only one???

YANBU. I feel for you OP! And I apologise for finding much of your post funny....

But I would say that it is too much for you to be expected to drive miles to see them every holiday - where is the holiday for you? It's perfectly reasonable for you to want to spend some of your holidays in your own home - what the feck is the point of working to pay for it all otherwise?

But I would get DH to tell his lovely mother this, of course. Even just cut it down to every other holiday maybe?

Hmmm. That "dinner lady" comment is weird.

You need to wait until dh is out of the room, smile, and very quietly, slowly and reasonably say:

"Dear mil, if you call me "the dinner lady" again, ever, as in ever, ever, I am going to wait until you are asleep, go into your bedroom, tape your mouth shut, and your hands together, and remove your eyeballs with a spoon.

By the way: if you tell dh about our little conversation, you had better never, ever leave your door unlocked.

So, do you want a little cuddle of your grandchild?"

Do you think so BeMy? You never knew the horror that was my MiL.
When it is time for my DD to make a long term relationship, I will advise her not to choose the blue eyed boy/girl of a family. Jealousy is a dreadful thing.
I stand by my statement.

And PS definitely start to put your foot down when you do have to see her. EG tell her your baby won't go to sleep with other people in the room; that you'd rather people didn't put their fingers in her mouth, for a start....

Also I would take a bag of snacks for yourself when you visit - as a bfing mum you need regular food, so she can feck off with her 'rations'

Remember you're your baby's mother, so make that clear to her and 'take the power back'!

LOl lol lol at what kreecher said!

Op you poor lady your mil is a prize cow

What does your dh say about all this?!

Stand up to her and show her who is boss. If she can't treat you with respect dont see her!

DH is a bit of a piggy in the middle TBH and i dont envy him - he definitely sees how rude she is, and sometimes does defend me, but in a very reasonable way, by brushing it off etc, but i feel for him too as she is so blooming rude sometimes even he must be embarassed!

No.8 - Why doesn't your DH say "mum why have your given iamusually so little dinner?" and then put some of his food on your plate?

Tell her not to call your the dinnerlady, just say "don't call me that" in a firm voice.

And when she scares your baby tell her so. And when baby can't sleep with her there tell her so.

Stick up for yourself woman! And maybe don't go quite so often.

Hope you're feeling better.

Sorry, I'm not a sociopath really.

I've just come back from a protracted tour of the rellies myself, and I'm somewhat sympathetic. Dealing with other people, who are not your chosen friends, in close proximity, that you can't politely escape from, is hard, yes?

I have to admit, I caught myself lightening up the moments of extreme awkwardness by imagining how they might be dealt with if I/we weren't contrained by social convention and ... basic niceness.

Kind of like a weird dark fantasy interlude in a famiily sitcom - like "The Rise and Fall of Reginald PErrin" intercut with "Silence of the Lambs".

She does sound a 'mare - but I think many parents and in-laws have, erm, "quirks". I could see her nestling amongst my assortment of relations without sticking out too much.

OP YANBU - I have MIL ishoos which have improved over the years because I used to sit back and take it, getting all upset and fizzy in the process.
I then learned to firmly and politely stand up for myself and disagree with her on some of her uber-mad views and opinions. It's how she is and always has been, to the point she falls out with people quite often.
Part of your problem may lie in the fact that, because you are so far away, you have to spend extended (and intense) periods of time with her so it all becomes magnified.
I live in the same town as MIL so we do short bite-size chunks of visits which is much better for everyone's stress levels (DH's included as she can be very awkward with him too!).
That doesn't help you OP, but maybe you could try politely standing up for yourself (without being rude) and try to "dilute" things when you do visit by arranging trips out and about etc?
Oh, and I'm a MIL myself and try to be a good one!

Oh, and your DD may just be crying with MIL because she doesn't see her very often.

"DH was in bits, I was ready to party."
Unless you were joking kreecher you should get your head examined.

Indeed I don't know your MIL, but I doubt she deserved those comments if your dh was "in bits" about her death. FFS.

I'm afraid iam - she is unlikely to change - my own mil is a witch and I have the same feelings as kreecher. After 17 years of bitchiness I refuse to see her or have anything to do with any of the family, my life is much calmer - and Christmas day was bliss. Sent dh and the dcs to them - to ensure that the old trout can't complain that I'm stopping the family from seeing her - and had a calm blissful day to myself with a bottle of bubbly and some lovely food that DH had purchased for me. Even the dcs don't like going there - but know it's a duty.

Dont get it wrong, I'm sorry your mil is ermmm..not very nice ! But your post was one of the funniest I have seen for ages !!! I could imagine you being a stand up comedian

I suspect kreecher didn't let on to her dh. I suspect that, like iamusuallybeingunreasonable, she's venting on here.

Here's the thing - we can't love everybody, we can't find everyone plain sailing to be with. Usually we deal with that by avoiding those people/situations that wind us up - particularly those that test the very limits of our personalities/endurance.

The irony of families is that it is hard to avoid, would be wrong, in most circumstances, to avoid, because, really, the people are mild irritants, and it's just a clash of different organising systems/personalities, and it's just the intense, albeit short, contact that causes us to come out in blisters.

Being a good human doesn't mean you have to have completely pure, generous and loving thoughts towards everyone/everything. It's probably more about resisting the impulse to act on the slightly unreasonable thoughts/feelings. To act as though we accept the validity and rights of others, blah, blah ...

(Or so I told myself this lat fortnight.)

I wouldn't go relly visiting every holiday though. If your husband is desperate to see his mum tell him he can go alone. If you move away from relatives you see less of them, different if you enjoyed your visits but you don't. Your opinions are as important as your husband's.

I'd say I don't blame you, she sounds absolutely bloody horrible and if it were me I wouldn't even keep in contact with her. At all.

And if you need to get it off your chest, you need to get it off your chest. I was genuinely at some of the things your MIL does/says!

What Salmotrutta says is very interesting. You think that it is easier to have mother-in-law living hundreds of miles away- if she is an interfering old bat that is-but actually it is not. For when she does come to stay, she stays for days and this is actually harder to deal with then bite-sized chunks of the hour or so you usually get in her company if she lived locally. No use to the OP, but an interesting point that is counter-intuitive to popular opinion.

You have my sympathy, iamusuallybeingunreasonable, you really do! My ex-mil was a pain in the rear. She always used to make comments like, 'My son has only rested his head 3 times in my house in the last 10 years'.
I said nothing when she said this. Instead I'd just think: that's because you're a mad old hag. If I'd agreed with her, it would be taken as a sign that we WOULD visit her, if I disagreed there'd be worse trouble. Silence the better option.

well, some babies just don't get on with anyone.
some are fine being handed abut (giving their mother the message that they really are just the food supply) and some drive their mothers crazy by crying any time somone else comes near. You get some babies that love the MIl even when the DIL loathes them.

'Dinner Lady' though.

just remind yourself quietly that, for better or worse, your children are under your influence and will be what you make of them with both DNA and TLC, not what this woman imagines them to be.

Wamster - it does seem opposed to pupular opinion doesn't it?! But I do wonder if it's true though!

Of course DH knew that his mother hated me (I was the wrong religion, hadn't been to Oxbridge and didn't breed until we had been married for 14 years).
I was sympathetic when she died but declined his kind invitation to attend her funeral. Apart from the possibilty of dancing on her grave, we were living in Thailand at the time and couldn't justify the expense.

pupular - eh?? I made a new word!!

Popular - obviously!

Still laughing at what Kreecher said.
If my MIL called me the Dinner Lady (wtf??) I would smack her wrist.

Wow. You really hate your MIL.

FWIW, my mum, who is lovely is always finding resemblances in her grandchildren to members of her family when they were children. My sil's mum does this as well. The reason is that mum didn't know sil when she was a baby. sil's mum didn't know db when he was a baby. Simple as that - not an attempt to deny 50% of their genes.

Also, 9 months is classic separation anxiety time.

But anyway, this is just pissing on your rage and she probably is a complete loon.

Sometimes babies do take against people.

My eldest couldn't stand her adoring uncle for the first 2 years of her life. Screamed when he came in the room. He was mortified. She got over it eventually.

Re the food - obviously dd should be blw'ing from dh's piled plate not your meagre rations.