To wonder what I did so wrong that my ds talks to me like I am the shit off his shoes,

[robbiewilliams4ever]

He is 15, He is good compared to alot of teens, he is not out causing trouble and has never brought the police to my door or anything, He isn't hanging out over the local shops smoking and annoying people like some of his friends do.

But the way he talks to me most of the time makes me wonder what I have have done to make him so hostile to me,

His dad isn't around, I left when ds was 2, dd was 5, we left cos of dv, they have had no contact with their dad since, I've done my best and dd can be a pain, she is 18 now but she has never made me feel as low as my ds does,

He used to be my little man and we were so close but now he makes me feel so small, If I slightly raise my voice or talk sternly he shouts in my face telling me that i'm shouting when i'm not, When I say that he is being louder than me he just says that is the way he talks.

I am 5'2 he is almost 6 foot and not a skinny boy, I am not afraid of him but sometimes I do find him a bit intimidating, I have told him this and he got upset about it and said he would never hurt me and I do believe that he wouldnt but that doesnt change the hurt i feel when he talks to me like shit,

I've spoken to a few people about it and they have said that he is bound to have a bit of his dad's temperment in him but if I mention his dad to him he goes off on one, saying "i'm nothing like him, don't compare me to him" ect

I've always been as honest as possible with my kids about their dad without going into to much detail, my dd is 18 now so does know practially all that went on whereas my ds knows abit but not everything.

He has allways had plenty of other positive male role models in his life from my family and is close to them, I have even threatened to him telling them how he is with me but that just makes him worse towards me,

He went off on one tonight and I said to him ' Would you speak to nan or your auntie S like that' and he said ' don't be stupid, of course I wouldn't'

I don't know what to do anymore,

Sorry I dont have answers but I get this too. My ds is nearly 14. He's never been in trouble either, pretty good kid. Great with everyone else. Speaks to me like crap at times. It really hurts.

Thanks, It's good to know i'm not the only one,

Sounds normal teenage behaviour to be honest. It will pass and you are calling him on it which will sink in eventually.
Just think of Harry Enfield's Kevin - this is not unusual at all and they will be sweetness and light to everyone else but their parent/s.
Might I gently suggest you don't bring his Dad into these arguments? With respect it is unhelpful to "compare" children to others and causes resentment. He is not his Dad and all you have to address is the behaviour - nothing else.
He sounds normal to me and he will grow out of it. Our DS was grumpy and rude for about six years. He is now 24 and stopped being rude at around 21 or so. It's just growing up.

I should add that a lot of our DS's grumpiness stems from his intolerance of nonsense and disappointing behaviour in others which is why he can still be grumpy even now!
He has inherited my impatience. But it's just a character trait he will learn to curb over time.

Sounds awful OP and I wish I had some adquate words of wisdom to impart. Unfortunately I don't. I will however say I commend you for being someone who removed herself and her children from an abusive situation. Is it possible that he has emotional troub;le because of the past? He may only have been two when you left your ex, but the repurcussions of the past may be manifesting in your son.

What I will say is after reading this: "I've spoken to a few people about it and they have said that he is bound to have a bit of his dad's temperment in him but if I mention his dad to him he goes off on one, saying "i'm nothing like him, don't compare me to him" ect"

I thought, please dont compare him to his dad or allow others to. It would be too easy to look at his current temperament and say "oh maybe thats a bit of his dad in him". It may be something else that is causing him to act this way and it would then be overlooked. Plus, he probably has a good idea of the kind of man his father was and it could be very hurtful for him to hear this kind of comment. In the worst case, you could be creating a self fulfilling prophecy where he gets told it enough, or it is alluded to enough, that he starts to act it out.

Maybe it would be good to get some counselling?

Sorry you are going through this but I do agree that telling him he has his dad's temprament and allowing others to say that is very wrong. That doesn't mean you can't tell him when he is being physically intimidating though. He is 6 ft now and can only get bigger he needs to know how to speak to women in the future, just explain it that way.

He's a snotty teenager who hasn't got his dad around.. He will be an arse for the next couple of years because teenagers have a tendancy towards being arses but (hopefully and probably) he will your loving son again soon enough.

Hope someone gives you some better advice and that things improve

I recognize all of this ds behavior. My ds is now 16 and I could have written your post a year ago, talking to me like I'm shit was standard. Now we have the occasional smile so there's hope

You must not blame yourself or the choices you needed to make in their early lives.
There are so many things going on in a teenager's life - plus they literally cannot empathize, its part of their development. Give him a year or two and he'll be your lovely boy again. (Sounds like he still is, when the chips are down)

Thankyou for all your comments, They have made me feel a bit better about the situation,

I've only mentioned his dad to him a couple of times when he has really upset me which I won't do again, No one else has said it to him, I've spoken to a few friends about it but my family don't know what he can be like sometimes as he is sweetness and light whenever they are around.

He can be nice sometimes, (usually when he's after something) I just want my boy back.

I would say that his behaviour is typical og his age. However, please don't compare him to his dad to his face and don't let on that you have been talking to others about his behaviour. I also expect he was very hurt to be told you are a bit scared of him..... That puts a big dent in the trust levels.

I read your title and thought 'I bet he's 15' and guess what? Agree with what everyone else has said. It's horrible but he's being a moody teenager and they can be vile, just keep calling him on it til he grows up.

how much does he help in the house?

IME teens who are waited on hand and foot (catered for, never have to do their share of washing up, laundry and cleaning) really do not respect the person who does all this for them (usually the mum).

A friend of mine really "spoils" her son by tidying his room, sorting his clothes, vast pocket money, he never has to do a thing in the house. The more she does, and tries to please him, the more he despises her. Sad but true.

Not saying that's the case with you! just an example.

Chandon is so spot on. I have the same attitude problems from my recently reached 14 year old. It does hurt but you have to grit your teeth and rise above it. But constantly talk to them to let them know how unacceptable it is..

We could have written this ten years ago when my stepson was 15, his attitude towards his dad, me, and his mum was exactly the same.. yet to his grandparents and any other adult he was "such a lovely nice mannered lad" .

It passes, he is 26 now and the stroppy teen is long past thankfully.

Agree with other posters that comparing him to his dad could be a bad thing - self-fulfilling prophecy perhaps.
Can i add that we forget that teenagers need praise and encouragement like small children do. Try to think about the positives - you already mention a few in your post. Let him know how much you appreciate the things he does that are good. I always felt resentful of my mum that she always had a go at me about trivial thing - messy room, watching tv etc but didn't seem to appreciate the fact that i wasn't trouble (drugs, bad boyfriends or whatever).
As for the way he talks to you, try to ignore it for the time being, don't see it as tidings for the future. Its normal behaviour unfortunately and shouldn'tbe taken too seriously. I understand that it must be hard to see your angelic boy turn into a moody teenager - try to enjoy (or at least understand) this phase. He's discovering who he is, and is trying to find his independence. You'll do well with him, trust yourself that you can be positive towards him. Good luck.

I can tell you as a farm wife that young male 'animals' will always try their luck at bullying the females. It is nothing to do with anything you have done it is nature. If I was in this position I would ask a male family member or friend to help me out with the young buck.

I realise all the feminists will get in a rage with me again but I know from experience it is the way forward because there has been a couple of times DH has had to step in when my oldest DS started back answering.You can talk until you are blue in the face but there is no reasoning with a lad when he is firing on all jets.

If you don't want to ask for help say to your lad 'do you want me to love you or do you want me to be frightened of you because I can't do both' hopefully that will pull him up short as you sound like a good Mam and I very much doubt he really wants you to live in fear.

Personally I wouldn't ignore anyone shouting in my face or speaking to me like I was crap. If it was me I would disengage from that person & explain why, for example "The way you are speaking to me is unnaceptable so I am not continuing this conversation, come back to me when you are prepared to speak in a respectful manner."

Its not a personality issue, he has full Control over what he is doing & who he is doing it to.

He obviously loves you but letting him behave this way will not teach him to respect you.

Hope things turn a corner soon!

I actually get quite sad when people dismiss aggressive shouting, swearing, put downs etc and just 'normal teenage behaviour'. It may be common behaviour because some parents don't take it seriously, but it's certainly not normal.

My teens were really quite a handful in different ways, but I NEVER let them make me feel small or allow them to talk to me like I was absolute dirt. If you wouldn't allow a random stranger to do it, then why for God's sake would you allow your kids to do it?

I remember having lunch at my friend's house and her 15 year old DD was stomping around the place, generally being a bit huffy and stroppy. Fine, that IS normal behaviour. But then when my friend asked her if she could pass her a magazine from the table that her DD was standing next to, she shouted:

''I'm not your fucking slave mum! Why are you always such a bitch!''

My friend just sat there, sighed, rolled her eyes and got up to get it herself. If that had been my daughter, I would have absolutely hit the fucking roof. NOBODY should speak to you like that and by totally ignoring it she's established herself as the 'weak' one who will just merrily take all this shit if her daughter doesn't like what she says or does.

The one time my 14 year old DD muttered 'fuck off' to me under her breath when I asked her to walk the dogs was certainly the last time she ever did it. I was so angry by the end that she apologised profusely and seemed genuinely guilty and sorry.

Set your boundaries and don't let people make you feel small. A certain amount of huffiness and general unresponsiveness from your teens really is normal, but they need to learn that they're not the centre of the universe.

He does do a bit around the house, his bedroom is usually a bit of a mess but he does tidy it when it gets bad, (usually when I say his mates can't come round if he doesnt).

Him and his sister take it in turns to wash up after dinner, he usually moans if I ask him to do much else but then he will do ramdom stuff when i'm not expecting it, ie about a month ago he was off school for a day because he had an upset stomach, i was on a day course and when I came home he had done some washing, hung it out and cleaned the kitchen floor, he said he had felt a bit better and wanted to surprise me, I told him that I was really happy he had done that for me,

Another time he borrowed my sisters jet wash and cleaned up the drive and garden and mowed the grass when I was out,

He can be very thoughtfull when he wants to be, think that is why when he is nasty to me he hurts so much.

He doesn't get regular pocket money as he admits he would just waste it on crap. If he goes to the cinema or out for the day with his mates then I give him some money.

My eldest is nearly 12 and has begun to have the 'Tude' It's quite normal.

Which is not to say you accept it! I certainly don't. You deal with it, you refuse to accept it but you don't turn it into yourself and think that the reason he has grown horns is because of you.

Tbh this isn't standard behaviour. I think it is common but that dies not make it routine or normal.
My ds1 is 17 and 6 ft. He never speaks to me like that. I wouldn't tolerate it. It is not acceptable. We, none of us, speak to each other that.

If he is already doing it then I think your best bet is to do as others have said and talk to him regularly about how unacceptable and unpleasant you find it.

I would also catch him and tell him how much you love him, how you want to be able to be around each other without tension and nastiness. I would tell him I understand he gets frustrated and hormonal but that you need to find a way to manage this feelings.
Perhaps you could agree that you refer to it when he is becoming hostile and he buggers off to his room fir five minutes until he chills.

Look, I am not being superior. I am not pretending it is easy.
But I get very frustrated that we seem to be reaching the point where every time acteenager start to shout and swear at their mother, everyone shrugs and says " that's what they do"
They don't.
Some do in spite of fantastic parenting. Some do because they are not stopped.
It kind of depends which it is.

Hurrah for Pagatch Mothers weren't put in this world to be their kids emotinal puchbags!

Pagwatch