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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder what I did so wrong that my ds talks to me like I am the shit off his shoes,

40 replies

robbiewilliams4ever · 27/04/2011 00:33

He is 15, He is good compared to alot of teens, he is not out causing trouble and has never brought the police to my door or anything, He isn't hanging out over the local shops smoking and annoying people like some of his friends do.

But the way he talks to me most of the time makes me wonder what I have have done to make him so hostile to me,

His dad isn't around, I left when ds was 2, dd was 5, we left cos of dv, they have had no contact with their dad since, I've done my best and dd can be a pain, she is 18 now but she has never made me feel as low as my ds does,

He used to be my little man and we were so close but now he makes me feel so small, If I slightly raise my voice or talk sternly he shouts in my face telling me that i'm shouting when i'm not, When I say that he is being louder than me he just says that is the way he talks.

I am 5'2 he is almost 6 foot and not a skinny boy, I am not afraid of him but sometimes I do find him a bit intimidating, I have told him this and he got upset about it and said he would never hurt me and I do believe that he wouldnt but that doesnt change the hurt i feel when he talks to me like shit,

I've spoken to a few people about it and they have said that he is bound to have a bit of his dad's temperment in him but if I mention his dad to him he goes off on one, saying "i'm nothing like him, don't compare me to him" ect

I've always been as honest as possible with my kids about their dad without going into to much detail, my dd is 18 now so does know practially all that went on whereas my ds knows abit but not everything.

He has allways had plenty of other positive male role models in his life from my family and is close to them, I have even threatened to him telling them how he is with me but that just makes him worse towards me,

He went off on one tonight and I said to him ' Would you speak to nan or your auntie S like that' and he said ' don't be stupid, of course I wouldn't'

I don't know what to do anymore,

OP posts:

Longtalljosie · 27/04/2011 08:43

Keep on pointing it out, and telling him he shouldn't speak to anyone he cares for like that. You'll sound like a broken record but I know of an adult who still talks to his mother like that. On the rare occasions I'm around to hear it, it makes me cringe. I don't know him well enough to call him on it and she just ignores it but clearly that hasn't worked, he's over 30. I don't know how he talks to his girlfriends but he loves his Mum I'm sure, he just hasn't been told to stop so probably doesn't even know he's doing it and how it sounds...

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 27/04/2011 08:46

I think behaviour that is common is 'normal', normal as in very common, to be expected, something seen a lot. That's certainly what I mean by 'normal'. The norm. Happens more often than not.

It isn't an excuse for it. It isn't a reason to accept it. It doesn't mean that you don't sort them out! but you either see it as

a very normal (common) thing that happens when someone becomes a teen and they are between two worlds and have raging hormones and are approaching adulthood and feel unsure and want to be adult and independent while wanting to be a child etc etc

or you see it as a failure on your part to be a good enough parent that they sail through the teen years all sweetness and light

Seeing it as a very normal (common) thing is not the same as doing nothing about it.

I just think that when you understand why someone is displaying a particular set of behaviours it is easier to deal with them. - deal with them as in do something about them!! not ignore them or put up with being treated like shit.

When my eldest starts, I fix him with The Look. Which is normally enough Sometimes I have to say "who do you think you are talking to?" and rarely, he needs a punishment. I expect things to get harder over the next few years

But equally, he has times when he starts crying and needs a cuddle.

This is such a mixed up time for them. We have to understand it. Not excuse it, but understand it.

Do any of you remember how you felt as a teen? I was tearful, angry, confused, scared, selfish...

IloveJudgeJudy · 27/04/2011 08:48

I'm no expert, but I do have three teenage DC. I don't put up with talk like this. I do put up with other things, but not being spoken to like dirt. My DC all know this.

Have you tried not doing things for him or just turning your back and walking away when he starts to talk to you like this? Have you tried talking to him about it when he's in a good mood? Sometimes being in the car together on the way to somewhere seems to be a good time to start conversations like this. I don't know whether it's because they don't have to look you in the eye when you're communicating.

I know how hard this is. I also don't think it will last very long, but you do have to try and put your foot down. Have you asked your DD to speak to him?

Pagwatch · 27/04/2011 08:49

Actually, having read mine back I should say that I agree with everyone who says that they all try it.
And it does take a long time to make them stop trying it.
But I started dealing with it from that bit where they roll their eyes and look at you like . I think if you can get the dialogue going before it escalates it helps. But it is bloody hard. Especially as it feels so hurtful.

valiumredhead · 27/04/2011 08:51

I think as long as you call him up on it EVERY SINGLE TIME he speaks to you like that, I don't think you are doing anything wrong. As long as he doesn't slip onto the habit of speaking to mum like dirt and you don't just roll your eyes and accept it, I think it's a phase that will pass.

I agree with hecate

Pagwatch · 27/04/2011 08:54

I agree actually Hecate.
The zero tolerance for answering back is combined with a lot if time together and tlc and love and affection. One won't work without the other.
And I do remember being a teenager. It was particularly difficult for me. But feeling entitled to vent in an aggressive way is not a gift.
And I don't shout at him. I am not expecting him to do something that we don't all require if each other.
He can argue with me, we disagree. But shouting and abuse is crossing a line.

valiumredhead · 27/04/2011 08:59

Look, I am not being superior. I am not pretending it is easy.
But I get very frustrated that we seem to be reaching the point where every time acteenager start to shout and swear at their mother, everyone shrugs and says " that's what they do"
They don't.
Some do in spite of fantastic parenting. Some do because they are not stopped.
It kind of depends which it is.

Just read back and I also agree with pagwatch - I think it's really important NOT to let a teen speak like that 'just because he's a teen' - we know it's a hard time with hormones etc and that is a REASON but doesn't make it acceptable IME

cory · 27/04/2011 09:00

I think it is perfectly possible to hold onto two ideas at the same time:

it is "normal"- in the sense that there is nothing terribly wrong with him, you haven't failed as a mother, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you

and

it is "unacceptable" - in the sense that you have to keep calling him on it and he has to learn to control it

Like wanting to paint the family portraits with jam is age appropriate behaviour for a 2yo- but you're not actually going to let him do it.

valiumredhead · 27/04/2011 09:02

Like wanting to paint the family portraits with jam is age appropriate behaviour for a 2yo- but you're not actually going to let him do it

Exactly!

Pagwatch · 27/04/2011 09:09

at jam painting.

I think a sense of humour is vital about now. And having things in common -safe activities/conversations.
I try and make sure I don't make all our conversation about homework/tv/messy bedrooms. And I try to laugh with him. And I take him out to do somethings together.
Supper is a good time. He comes and sits in the kitchen and talks about random shit. I get all sorts of good stuff covered there. certainly I know more about family guy than I ever really wanted to....

CareyFakes · 27/04/2011 09:19

I remember only too well what being a teenager was like, I hated my mum and dad, and I mean hated. I spoke to them like shit, stole from them, had zero respect for them, couldn't abide them, would leave/runaway as much as I could, swear at them. I did this because I was hitting out at my father, I hated the hypocrisy of his life, and it was my way of hurting him and my mother.

I eventually grew out of it, but I still remember that ball of fury that I carried around.

My mum used to tell me she loved me, and that she would always loved me. That was the only thing that I could rely on TBH, and I'm glad she did that for me. We are now great friends.

I wouldn't compare your child to his father, that is horribly negative considering the circumstance. Tell him you love him, don't rise to his behaviour, tell him his manner is not acceptable but don't argue back.

LadyWord · 27/04/2011 09:30

Maybe talk to him about his dad in a different way - tell him he is not like his dad, and the things like his thoughtfulness and the way he's nice to most people, that make you proud of him. Also, tell him it's not his fault that his dad was the way he was and that you had to separate. Some kids blame themselves and carry that with them indefinitely. (I'm not saying this as an expert, but I did see a documentary about badly behaved teens where this came up and it was amazing the effect it had.)

Also maybe he should have regular money in exchange for chores, and that might make him feel more respected and grown up?

Tryharder · 27/04/2011 09:32

Haven't got teens (yet) but interesting thread. Can I ask: is it normal for teens to swear in front of their parents/tell their parents to fuck off etc.

My brother and I (in our late 30s) were typical PITA teenagers but we would never, ever, ever have dared tell our parents to fuck off. It would have never occured to me to use that language in front of them - completely taboo. My friend who teaches in a secondary school says that kids often tell her to fuck off. Again, my DB was actually suspended from school on several occasions for bad behaviour but would never have told a teacher to fuck off and I obviously never did

Seriously, what has gone wrong???

CareyFakes · 27/04/2011 09:35

I used to tell my parents (my father was a vicar) to fuck off, only because swearing was banned in our house, and I've never been one to follow strict rules.

My siblings NEVER swore and still don't in front of my mum (dad's different, he's a dick) however, I did, was fun at the time. I wouldn't do it now because I have respect for my mother, I didn't in the 90's

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 27/04/2011 09:55

I think it is common.

I tell you this though, stroppy as I was - if I had told my mother to fuck off, I would still be unconscious today

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