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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to call time on my oldest friendship?

31 replies

pleatherette · 26/04/2011 23:31

after at least a couple of years after getting more and more fed up with my "friend", I think I'm finally going to break contact.

We have been friends since school and she is my oldest, and was my most trusted friend. However, life has taken us is different directions and she is now married, with two kids whilst I am single, only myself to worry about. I've wondered if it's me, whether I'm not being sympathetic enough at how busy she is with two young children to bring up, obviously her life has changed and I have tried to appreciate that, however....

She never calls, well, she calls once every six months and when she does I find that all she talks about is what a pain it is that the full time nanny wants the afternoon off...

She then wants to commiserate with me about how badly the recession is affecting us when actually she has a good job and a husband who earns loads when I lost my job and ended up on benefits for 2 years....

She has never in the last 8 years come to stay with me overnight. I know she stays with family and with other friends who live around an hour away from me but they are people with kids and similar jobs and lives to her, and I can't help but think that my house is regarded as somehow not good enough and my singleton existence is regarded as a sign that I might keep empty pizza boxes on the floor in the living room or something (which I don't!)...

She never sends a birthday or Christmas card and anything I send to the kids or her is accepted without a word of thanks or appreciation....

I just don't know anything about her life anymore and she doesn't know anything about mine. I have moved much further away and got a new job and she hasn't called to see how it's going, I think we've got to the point where actually I'd rather not speak to her as I just end up annoyed afterwards, and it's just so obvious that we don't really have anything in common any more....

But still, she's been through a lot of changes in the last few years and I know it hasn't all been easy for her, in fact she's had some really tough times. AIBU to be really fed up with her lack of support? Should I cut her some slack because she's got kids and other things to worry about?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 26/04/2011 23:34

Some friendships are for a point in time in your life and one day they come to a natural end.
It doesn't have to be nasty or dramatic, they can just fade away.

Maybe this is one of those friendships.

AgentZigzag · 26/04/2011 23:37

I don't think you'll be cutting contact with her because it doesn't sound as though there is any.

Did you have something specific you were thinking of doing? Like telling her how you feel?

People do drift apart/change over time, there's no need to not consider her a 'friend' or do anything, just leave it and if you do have any contact see it as a bonus from/with someone you like.

A1980 · 26/04/2011 23:38

It doesn't sound as if there's a friendship there at all now.

"She never sends a birthday or Christmas card and anything I send to the kids or her is accepted without a word of thanks or appreciation...."

That's just rude. For that reasona alone i'd break it.

Stop contacting her and see what she does. If she makes no attmept to contact you either then you know.

LoopyLoopsNincompoop · 26/04/2011 23:39

Sounds like the friend I am now I have kids (not the nanny though, sadly, nor the good job).

I think expecting her to stay with you overnight is too much. There is no way I'd consider that by myself at this stage until the kids are a lot older unless there was a real need for it. Kids really are a lot more than a childless perosn might imagine.

She will have a lot less time than you imagine, and will be a lot more tired and a lot more stressed. Cut her some slack.

Original poster
pleatherette · 26/04/2011 23:41

Yes, that's what I'm beginning to think, it's sad though as we were "besties" for over 15 years.

I suppose if you're not getting anything from the relationship then it's kind of pointless. We've been there for each other through a lot, bereavement, mc etc but I think if any of that happened now I have other friends I would turn to first, and so does she.

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SugarPasteFrog · 26/04/2011 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pleatherette · 26/04/2011 23:45

Sorry x posted.

Some things, like not acknowledging the presents I get the kids is just rude, and that encourages me to think it's not worth it anymore. Not calling is more understandable as I know she must be really busy, but surely I should expect to get something from the friendship too? As in support, or advice? Otherwise as soon as you have kids is it a sort of get out of jail free card for the next 10 years??

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AgentZigzag · 26/04/2011 23:47

She sounds a lot like me and my oldest friend, we've only had sporadic contact for a few months which is mostly my fault for not getting my arse into gear to email/msn her.

But that's OK, I know we're both doing other stuff and when we do get together it won't make a jot of difference how long we've not talked.

Original poster
pleatherette · 26/04/2011 23:48

I have purposefully not called her since I moved away, to see how long it would take her to call. I have started a new career, on my own in a new place, knowing nobody. She called me before I left and since then I have had a couple of texts and a promise to call, but no call, in three months.

If I don't call either does that make me just as bad as her?

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SugarPasteFrog · 26/04/2011 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoopyLoopsNincompoop · 26/04/2011 23:49

You see, I don't see friendships like that. Surely you are/were friends because you enjoyed each other's company, not out of duty? That can still be the case with less contact. I agree the present thing is rude, but maybe you just need to chill a little with your expectations. Friends drift apart and come back together organically without people having to decide for definite who is and isn't friends any more.

Original poster
pleatherette · 26/04/2011 23:50

Zigzag, we were kind if like that for the last few years really, I think the difference now is how annoyed I am by her behaviour, so we can't have that nice catching up time without me getting fed up by something she has said or done.

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Original poster
pleatherette · 26/04/2011 23:52

Sugarpastefrog - yes, that's exactly it! Do you think you forfeit cards etc because you're single and somehow don't matter now as it's all about the kids, or am I being over sensitive?

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Original poster
pleatherette · 26/04/2011 23:55

Loopyloops, I think that is what has changed, that since she got married and turned into bridezilla, then had kids and turned into mrs competitive mother, I don't actually enjoy her company that much any more. I feel like I'm friends with her because of the person I used to know, not the person she actually is, IYSWIM.

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SugarPasteFrog · 26/04/2011 23:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoopyLoopsNincompoop · 26/04/2011 23:57

In that case, just leave it, but you don't have to make a definitive decision to stop being friends, do you.

And I do think that now we are proper adults, cards and presents are much less importnat. I've told everyone that I no longer need them, but if they insist, DD can have a small present instead. I only send presents to kids now.

AgentZigzag · 26/04/2011 23:58

Peoples priorities change though leatherette, and it's not necessarily that you're not important to her any more, it's just that there are other more pressing mundane and domestic matters that need attention straight away.

Feeding, clothing, teaching, nagging, MNing etc etc etc takes up so much time there just isn't anything left to do nice things like contact friends.

Was there something that made you more annoyed about how she is, or just an accumulation of shit over time?

Original poster
pleatherette · 27/04/2011 00:06

Zigzag, thanks for that, it's made me think about it a bit more from her point of view.

I think there have been a few things which have annoyed me specifically, the whole wedding thing was a nightmare as she's a total control freak. She wouldn't let me arrange the hen do as she "wanted it done properly" then booked something costing close on 600 quid for the weekend. When I said it was getting very expensive for me she said she "wouldn't be offended if I didn't come" Shock

She wouldn't let me be maid of honour at the wedding as I was "too big" and would "spoil everyones view of the back of her dress" in the church.

Since her dc's have arrived she just gets more removed from reality, well my reality, and it's all baby control freakery now instead. Ok, I don't really understand where she's coming from because I don't have kids, but I still get really fed up with it!

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SugarPasteFrog · 27/04/2011 00:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MCos · 27/04/2011 00:18

well, sometimes friendships just run their course.

My circle of friends have changed considerable since uni. My friends back then were fab, but once I got married (many years afer college!) and then moved country, had kids, then moved again, I no longer had as much in common with my old friends.
There was no official 'ending' of friendship. We still keep in contact perhaps once a year or maybe even less, but we have all moved on and made new circles of friends. But I still have the fondest memories of those friends.

AgentZigzag · 27/04/2011 00:21

'She wouldn't let me be maid of honour at the wedding as I was "too big" and would "spoil everyones view of the back of her dress" in the church'

That would have made my blood boil if anyone thought so little of me to say that.

Perhaps what I've been saying doesn't apply to you because that's not something a friend or a nice person would say.

I was talking about where two people get along the time thing doesn't matter, but she sounds as though she treats you like shit and you're better off without.

Sorry I called you leatherette in my last post Blush Grin

Original poster
pleatherette · 27/04/2011 00:25

Well, she can be a nightmare. Tbh my family has never really liked her as she can be quite spoiled. However, she was always good fun and we always made a big effort with each other - stayed with each other a lot through uni, travelled together, over for dinner, nights out etc. I think since she's had her family we just haven't had chance to do any of this so I'm left with the spoiled control freak...

It sounds like I think I'm perfect, I don't (honest!) - I know I've not always been there for her as I've spent a lot of time abroad and haven't always been there to support her through some really dire times she's had.

I don't know what I think now! Confused

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Original poster
pleatherette · 27/04/2011 00:27

Yes zigzag, it's only classy pleatherette in this house!!

I've name changed for this but I'm hoping she's not an MNetter as she would definitely spot herself and I'll feel terrible Blush

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AgentZigzag · 27/04/2011 00:40

Me and my friend call each other all manner of horrible names Grin

But it's banter and I would never ever say anything that could hurt her feelings like mentioning her weight.

I'm not perfect either, but the disrespect that shows through just from that remark alone goes beyond a bit of give and take in a friendship.

It must have really stung.

Original poster
pleatherette · 27/04/2011 00:52

Well I think it was my height more than my weight which she found offensive, as she opted just for two littlies and I did a reading.

I was more offended that she didn't let me organise the hen do, and was then quite happy to go ahead and have it with her new posh friends with their new posh jobs than little old me who had known her for years Envy ! It was really obvious too when I got there that her other friends had organised a load of games and presents all together and no-one really knew who I was. I think it showed me how much we had grown apart.

Since the kids arrived I just get the impression that nothing I am doing is as important as what she's doing, or that I must spend my time in front of eastenders eating chocolate truffles as of course I've got no kids and nothing better to do!

Wow, I'm really whinging a lot tonight, I should probably go to bed Smile

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