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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my son around fil anymore

46 replies

blueeyedmonster · 26/04/2011 21:04

I'm still fuming now. We went round there yesterday with fil there (which is something I hate doing after he screamed and shouted in my face in front of ds after I told him to stop swearing in front of him!).

We were actually having a nice time until ds threw a golf ball in the fish pond, fil actually turned round and called him a - twat (can't remember what the first word was). He's 3 for fuck sake. I was not happy at all but said nothing to try not to cause an arguement again. Decided to talk to dp about it when we got home.

Later on ds was told a lot of times to stop standing on the flower (to be fair it's in the fucking path!) and fil took it upon himself to smack ds on the leg. I am FUMING. We don't use smacking as a punishment and I am pretty sure he knows this. We went out srtaight after leaving fil at his house and I imemdiately said something to dp to which he replied " no he didn't.........it was only a tap" and then showed me (on my arm) and it was actually pretty hard.
He needs to talk to fil and tell him under no circumstances is this acceptable, we don't do it so why should he. Mil was with us and just kept quiet but she knows I am very very uspet.

Fil used to be very heavy handed with his own children and I just don't want my son going back while he is there. He has crossed a line as far as I am concerned.

I can't believe how angry I still am about this.

OP posts:
hairylights · 26/04/2011 21:05

If this was me I would stop spending any time with fil.

Original poster
blueeyedmonster · 26/04/2011 21:06

I try my hardest this was the second time in 6 months and probably the last.

OP posts:
Original poster
blueeyedmonster · 26/04/2011 21:06

Actually it was the last

OP posts:
JustAnother · 26/04/2011 21:07

if it was me, I wouldn't set foot in his house again.

FabbyChic · 26/04/2011 21:07

It is not permissable for anybody to lay a hand on a child, least of all your FIL. He also cannot call a three year old a twat.

I wouldn't allow him in his company anymore.

scurryfunge · 26/04/2011 21:09

Tell him you will be prepared to renegotiate visits when he can promise not to verbally abuse or assault your child.

GloriaSmut · 26/04/2011 21:10

Well he can call a three year old a twat. There's no law against it. But I can't imagine a rational adult ever wanting to.

therealmrsbeckham · 26/04/2011 21:11

What an absolute arsehole. Well done for not allowing your DS anywhere near that awful man again.

Original poster
blueeyedmonster · 26/04/2011 21:14

That's my thoughts exactly fabbychic

I am going to have to tell dp that I don't want him around fil anymore. This was the second chance and he will have no more because at the moment I can't see him even realising what he has done is wrong. I can't see myself calming down for a loooong time either.

OP posts:
AngryBeaver · 26/04/2011 21:15

good god.i am totally shocked and appalled that anyone would talk to a child this way.
what did your dp say about fil using that language to your child?
If I were you,I would have scooped ds up (i have a 3 year ol ds) and said something like "I will not allow anyone to call my son vile abusive names."
He would never have had the opportunity to hit him.
The man is a scumbag

WhiteBumOfTheMountain · 26/04/2011 21:18

YANBU! Dont go near the old arsehole again! I would "tap" him across the bloody face if he did that to my child!

5Foot5 · 26/04/2011 21:19

YADNBU!

I would most certainly not let him have contact with DS. In fact, given the way he behaves I can't understand why you would want to spend any tme with him, DS or no DS.

Have you told your DP that you have made this decision? Is he likely to support it? What will you do if he thinks you are over-reacting?

Original poster
blueeyedmonster · 26/04/2011 21:19

He said he didn't even realise that he had said it even though he was right next to him.

I was going to scoop him up and take him out but I didn't wnat to get into anohter huge arguement wiht him in front of ds again. This man can not hold his temper and flares up at the flick of a switch. It was the lesser of two evils Sad.

He won't have oppertunity again, I won't stand for it.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 26/04/2011 21:23

i have accidentally called my child a twat before Blush (i think i was going for twit or something and it came out wrong)

i think you're doing the right thing by not going there again, because FIL doesn't sound very nice.

BUT.... "ds was told a lot of times to stop standing on the flower" and you did what??? waited until he got smacked? tried to stop him? took him somewhere else? just let him do it and then moaned when FIL got annoyed?

i know he's only 3, and i don't think this in any way excuses your FIL smacking him, but is it at all possible that your son was being rather naughty and you were not doing anything about it?

Original poster
blueeyedmonster · 26/04/2011 21:23

I'd love to tap him back in the face!! Not sure I wouldn't get it back though.

I don't want to ever spend time with him to be honest I didn't know he would be there for sure, he usually plays golf.

I will tell dp in a few days and he will stand by me, he did last time I stayed away. I didn't let ds anywhere near fil after he screamed at me. Thought he might have learnt his lesson. If he thinks I am over-reacting i'll show him this thread! I doubt he will though and tough if he does really it won't change my mind!

OP posts:
Original poster
blueeyedmonster · 26/04/2011 21:27

thisisyesterday I never said I did nothing about it. I told him time and time again. I made him sit down for a few minutes and I took him indoors. He went out again and did it again.

I wouldn't be bloody posting about this if I had done nothing. He's 3 and he pushes the limits time and time again, that's what they do. It doesn't mean someone else should come along and smack them when the parent has dealt with it and wil do again.

OP posts:
IMissSleep · 26/04/2011 21:27

YANBU!!

I'd be fuming! What a bully.

Don't ever let him talk/smack your DS again. How was your DS? Poor little man :(

thisisyesterday · 26/04/2011 21:28

woah! i didn't say you had said you did nothing... but you didn't mention that to start with, which is why I asked.
calm down a bit!

I also said quite clearly that I think you're doing the right thing by staying away, and that FIL doesn't sound very nice and tht it didn't excuse his behaviour.

But I just wondered why, if he had been told lots of times not to stand on a flower, he was still doing it. that's all.

Original poster
blueeyedmonster · 26/04/2011 21:33

He's ok thanks IMissSleep

Sorry thisisyesterday i'm still angry and took your post the wrong way when you asked. I shouldn't have got shitty with you over that bit.

OP posts:
IMissSleep · 26/04/2011 21:35

Have a Wine

Stick to your guns though, maybe talk to him (fil) and tell him never to do that again.

parakeet · 26/04/2011 21:41

I wouldn't bother wasting your time talking to him to be honest. If his mindset is that it's OK to call a three-year-old a twat, there's not much hope for him.

MogTheForgetfulCat · 26/04/2011 21:42

Good grief! Am Shock that anyone could call a 3yo a twat - almost more shocked by that than the smack, tbh. But both completely unacceptable, would not want to be anywhere near him, or have DS anywhere near him, again.

thisisyesterday · 26/04/2011 21:43

it's ok. he sounds even worse now you've posted more about him and i think you're totally right not to have your son near him,

suburbophobe · 26/04/2011 21:47

Yea, really, he is abusive to your child so don,t give him that opportunity again!

Am shocked too at his behaviour!

MoonGirl1981 · 26/04/2011 22:50

Er, isn't that assault??

He needs to be reported to the police. He can't go around randomly hitting people. Especially tiny children!!!!

Shouting in your face is clearly not on either.

Fair play to you for keeping your cool, I'd have been hysterical.

Don't go round there again. Sounds like none of you are getting anything out of each others company. You dislike him and he dislikes both you and your child.

He may hit your son harder or elsewhere next time. Not safe. Protecting your child is a natural instinct. Keep away from him.

xxxx

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