Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to not want my son around fil anymore

46 replies

blueeyedmonster · 26/04/2011 21:04

I'm still fuming now. We went round there yesterday with fil there (which is something I hate doing after he screamed and shouted in my face in front of ds after I told him to stop swearing in front of him!).

We were actually having a nice time until ds threw a golf ball in the fish pond, fil actually turned round and called him a - twat (can't remember what the first word was). He's 3 for fuck sake. I was not happy at all but said nothing to try not to cause an arguement again. Decided to talk to dp about it when we got home.

Later on ds was told a lot of times to stop standing on the flower (to be fair it's in the fucking path!) and fil took it upon himself to smack ds on the leg. I am FUMING. We don't use smacking as a punishment and I am pretty sure he knows this. We went out srtaight after leaving fil at his house and I imemdiately said something to dp to which he replied " no he didn't.........it was only a tap" and then showed me (on my arm) and it was actually pretty hard.
He needs to talk to fil and tell him under no circumstances is this acceptable, we don't do it so why should he. Mil was with us and just kept quiet but she knows I am very very uspet.

Fil used to be very heavy handed with his own children and I just don't want my son going back while he is there. He has crossed a line as far as I am concerned.

I can't believe how angry I still am about this.

OP posts:

RoyalFucker · 26/04/2011 22:55

I agree that this should be the last time your FIL has access to your son

Just one thing...is your husband a bit of a wimp about this ? Why isn't he reading his father the fucking riot act ?

It doesn't sound like he is able to stand up to his father unless you make the stand. Tha's a bit shit, tbh

Correct me if I am wrong

FlamingJamie · 26/04/2011 22:58

This is probably normal to the OPs DP. The "child" part of him probably is scared to react if the FIL was heavy handed with him

Original poster

blueeyedmonster · 27/04/2011 19:44

He's not a whimp just knows exactly how his father would react royalfucker When his father screamed and shouted at me he did nothing. I was so upset on many levels because of that.

I did ask dp why he did nothing and he said that if he had it would have turned physical between them. He didn't want that to happen in front of our son. I don't disbelieve him either and believe it would have happened very quickly. I can imagine he was thinking the same this time.

Even so it took me an awful long time to recover from that (only recently if i'm honest).

I do think flamingjamie has a point too and I do think that has a part to play in it also

OP posts:

chocolatehobnobs · 27/04/2011 19:57

Could you write him a letter explaining how you feel about his language and violent behaviour. Might prevent a violent argument?

Needanewname · 27/04/2011 20:02

Where was you MIL in all of this and what are her feelings?

BTW - I'm also more upset at his language and attitude thatn the smack.

Agreed that YANBU, sounds like a vile man to be around, your DS doesn't need a role model like that to be around

GeneHuntsMistress · 27/04/2011 20:15

Your MIL and DP have accepted this behaviour from him all their lives obviously.

You don't have to.

And you have a duty to your DS not to accept this behaviour.

TBH I would not bother explaining or taking this any further with him, he is not exactly a rational man is he? Just don't ever see him again. That's what I would do. And try to put it behind you after that, it was one incident and, as unpleasant it was for all of you, will not scar your DS. Unless of course you continue to spend time again with someone who verbally and physically assaults him while no one defends him in future.... xxx

Original poster

blueeyedmonster · 27/04/2011 20:17

I'm not sure he'd even take any notice of a letter. I'll keep it in mind though thanks it's a good idea.

MIL was sat next to me when we heard him call ds a twat and was as shocked as me. I don't think she saw him smack him.

Thing is nobody will say anything because he flips his lid so easily, you have to walk on eggshells sometimes and you can't confront him at all (even in a nice calm manner)

OP posts:

Needanewname · 27/04/2011 20:18

Then you are doing the right thing by not seeing him again, I suggest that you see MIL by herself

JamieAgain · 27/04/2011 20:22

I feel really sorry for your DP, blue-eyed. I'll bet this is bringing up a lot of nasty stuff for him about his dad.

saffy85 · 27/04/2011 20:22

YANBU. Think it's perfectly reasonable to keep your DS away from this man if he can't control his temper. Lets face it, smacking a child over something so minor (imo) and calling said child aged 3 a horrible name like twat sounds like someone who can't control their temper.

RoyalFucker · 27/04/2011 20:23

after all you have said, just cut contact with FIL

and tell him why in a phone call, better still make your DH do it

you should not be exposing your child to a man like that, family or no family

BettyTurnip · 27/04/2011 20:26

Sounds like an awful man and I feel sorry for the m-i-l having to live with him.

gkys · 27/04/2011 20:27

OP you are not being at all unreasonable, i went through exaxctly the same thing with my FIL on holiday, my DS was then just three, grandad hit him I was furious and saw red shouted at FIL in front of everyone, he was lucky i didn't floor him, my blood still boils now. As i direct result of this, none of my DS (three of them) are allowed to say at IL house, he can;t be trusted, i do l,et the children see him, as I feel the boys would miss their grandparents but |DS1's relationship with grandad is still distant, (he told sil that my ds had been bullying another child, my ds had wanted to come back to his mum and had ran towards me) ........blood boiling on your behalf,,,,,,,

vhappymumma2b · 27/04/2011 20:33

Absolutely on your side on this - if anyone smacked or spoke to my child in that way I would be insanely angry about it - hope that your partner supports you by standing up to this man.

DontGoCurly · 27/04/2011 20:35

Just cut contact completely.

Your DP can still see him if on his own he wants but I would not let him bring DS.

He sounds frightening.

CareyFakes · 27/04/2011 20:42

I've called kids twats before prior to having my own that is.

I would not spend another moment in his company tbh. I wouldn't expose my child to someone so unnerving.

ENormaSnob · 27/04/2011 20:54

I would cut all contact with the abusive fucker.

lechatnoir · 27/04/2011 21:05

I can't imagine your DH ever confronting him so IMO it's up to you - ideally call him & tell him exactly why he won't be allowed within looking distance of his grandchild ever again but if you can't face that, then at the very least call your MIL and very calmly explain why she will need to come alone if she wants to see her grandchild. End of.

I think just not doing anything won't work - they'll just turn up and just to save argument you/DH will accept it and back to square one. Don't let the bully bully you or your son!!

Original poster

blueeyedmonster · 28/04/2011 22:04

I think you are right I can't see him saying anything either. I'll say something/get dp to say something to his mum I think.

We are lucky in one fact, they never just turn up here, very rare they come at all even though sil lives 5 mins away and mil is there a lot.

OP posts:

cheekylittlenamechange · 28/04/2011 23:41

You poor thing. My ds rarely sees my father. Never will spend "quality time just the two of them". He is one to drink after every a hard day and didn't want a girl, never showed me affection, was violent towards me. I only ever wanted a dad who loved me. He only loved my younger brother.

Sorry, momentary hijack. Do not let that man near your ds. Yanotbu. You know that, deep down, and you don't really need Mn to tell you. Stay true to your beliefs and resolve. Only you can keep your ds safe.

DioneTheDiabolist · 28/04/2011 23:50

Blueeyedmonster, it is time to have a chat. Have it with DH, have it with FIL, but have it.

What your FIL did was contradictory to what you are teaching DC. I disagree with those who say "cut contact" straight away. A grandfather can be the best thing in the world.

Be simple, be straight. Tell him what was unacceptable. You say that he has done this before with his own kids, but back then no one told him off and he didn't know anything else. Then give him the chance.

What he did would be hard for any parent to witness, but did it come from malice or was it just what he has done before and thinks is OK?

Flip

1 2