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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Struggling to accept my ex's new fiancee

35 replies

bananasinpyjamas · 26/04/2011 20:18

I split with my ex in Sept last year, we were together for 13 years and have 1 ds with autism and diagnosed with cancer in aug. 9 weeks after we split he got engaged and I moved out Jan 7th. She moved in Jan 10th. Am struggling to come to terms with it all. He is in family home cos I couldn't afford it and now she is there. Its nearly 6 months since we split. I don't want him anywhere near me but have to accept my son needs a relationship with him. Am trying hard. he has my son every other weekend and one day during the week.
Am I being unreasonable and why do I feel so angry.

OP posts:
RoyalFucker · 26/04/2011 20:23

You are not BU and you have every right to feel angry. Six months isn't very long at all

He certainly was a fast worker, wasn't he ? It must have felt like you were kicked in the face ! Sad

You see him moving on with his life and you are left feeling sad and alone. But you do have the power to change that, love.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself and lean on your family and friends. Anyone who tells you that you should be "over it by now" is a tosser.

HairyBeaver · 26/04/2011 20:23

My DH and I have just split up, he left half an hour ago as we have been through a really rough patch and in his words he "can't see a future with us anymore".

We have 2 children and his gone back to his mums and on Sunday we will have a sit down and chat so see if things have changed.

I am devastated and feel physically sick and then I feel angry that his left, I keep switching between the two.

YANBU, I would be angry too that he can meet and "move on" that quickly.

RoyalFucker · 26/04/2011 20:24

sorry to hear that, HB

Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 26/04/2011 20:27

Have the wine tonight, my ds is with him. Just finished a days chemo. 2 more to go this week. So sorry your world's turned upside down tonight. I felt sick when I found out about engagement. Unbelievable feeling. Lost a stone which hasn't been a bad thing but just find it hard to know what to do with all the anger.

OP posts:
Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 26/04/2011 20:29

Glad you think he's a tosser cos I certainly do.

OP posts:
Deflatedballoonbelly · 26/04/2011 20:31

Oh you poor loves Sad

Animation · 26/04/2011 20:32

Sorry to hear your son has cancer. Is your anger to do with this situation with your son - are you furious about it - and feeling he has been abandoned as well as you?

Ormirian · 26/04/2011 20:34

I find it shocking that he could be embarking on a new relationship with his son being so sick. FFS priorities!

Tosser Angry

Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 26/04/2011 20:34

Not sure if I should be all mature and accept what has happened or whether I have the right to be all angry and tell him what an arse I think he is. Didn't dare say too much at the time cos he was buying me out and was worried he wouldn't come through with the money. It wasn't loads. Just enough to get me out and settled in a new house for me and ds. I want to scream and shout at him but can just see him there all smug with his fiancee.

OP posts:
Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 26/04/2011 20:37

I'm angry ds has cancer. So uncertain and he's only 7. Don't knoiw if all my anger is the cancer or not tbh. Hate the fact have been abandoned - that's a good word for it cos that is how it feels. DS autism I think helps but he has been through so much and to have to accept her too is unforgiveable. What to do??

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 26/04/2011 20:38

You dont have to accept her AT ALL, and nor should you. She is as complicit in the breakup as your ex.

RoyalFucker · 26/04/2011 20:41

There is nothing you can do

Take all the support you are offered and ride it out. Use the time he is with them to treat yourself, no matter how small.

Don't give him and her the satisfaction to think that they are still bringing you so low.

Be brave and serene around them, and do not ever badmouth his dad to your son. He will make his own mind up when he is old enough, that is for sure.

So sorry your boy is ill.

Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 26/04/2011 20:43

This IS a good way to vent your stuff. Can only rely on friends and family so much.

OP posts:
Animation · 26/04/2011 20:44

Maybe you need to go climb to the top of a mountain and scream blue fucking murder!!

byrel · 26/04/2011 20:44

YABU but understandably so given your current circumstances

Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 26/04/2011 20:46

You are right though, there is nothing I can do. Just got to ride it out. I never bad mouth him, as much as I'd like to. He's his dad. He wants to know him and spend time with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 26/04/2011 20:47

Not sure what YABA means, sorry. Screaming blue myrder sounds good though

OP posts:
Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 26/04/2011 20:48

Sorry myrder sound a bit taggart!

OP posts:
HairyBeaver · 26/04/2011 20:50

He is a complete fucking arse OP, so a month after YOUR son is diagnoised with cancer he fucks off and low and behold gets engaged pretty much straight away and THEN to move HER into YOUR family home 3 days after you've left...well...

There are no words.

His lucky he's got his balls still attached tbh.

You have EVERY right to be angry at him!

At least you have found out what a tosser he is so when your DC gets better you can feel sorry for his new bit of fluff and think yourself lucky for the escape tbh.

EricNorthmansMistress · 26/04/2011 20:52

byrel?

No YANBU OP, why should you accept her? He's a fucking shit to get engaged after five minutes and rub it in yur face by moving her in to your previous home. Some sensitivity to the fact that you are fragile would be completely reasonable on his part. He doesn't give a shit does he :(

flyingspaghettimonster · 26/04/2011 20:53

YANBU - he must have been having a relationship with her before the end of yours, so why wouldn't you despise her? Plus she has moved into your home, with your man and has your son every other weekend. It must feel like your own place has been deleted and replaced by this bitch woman.

I think a lot of the anger is frustration that you can't fix any of it. You can't make your ex stop being with his fiancee, you can't stop her seeing your son, most of all you can't take your son's cancer away, and that has to be the worst thing of all.

Take a deep breath, use this night off from childcare to have a drink and a bubblebath or whatever you do to relax. Scream if you need to - let some of the anger out. Why not start a journal on a word document, where you can write down all your feelings and vent? That can help. You have to release some of these emotions or they poison you. And you have to be so strong right now for your son.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you that 6 months down the line everything will be looking brighter for you.

And hugs to hairy beaver too... or wine, if that is more acceptable Smile

Animation · 26/04/2011 20:54

Yes the least he could have done was help you and your son stay in the family home.

Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 26/04/2011 20:54

Those are wise words - thank - you. How are you feeling at the moment.
Just can't believe have spent 13 years with someone. Its a lot of your life and then this.
Do you think you'll sort it HB or is that it

OP posts:
Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 26/04/2011 21:00

I did start a blog on someone's advise and liked it but was careful cos if you write it to the www then anyone can read it. Anyway his daughter (not mine though have known and cared for her all her life did) and he took offence saying he didn't think it was appropriate that he should be seen to his other children (daughter 18 and son 15) in this light. WELL HE SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT THEN. So removed blog an will re post it later when things have settled down.

OP posts:
iwerta · 26/04/2011 21:01

I do think you are being a bit unreasonable, his life is his own and if we wants to get engaged/married to someone else then that is his own business. However the stress you must be under would affect anyones thinking, I pray your ds gets better soon.