Struggling to accept my ex's new fiancee

[bananasinpyjamas]

I split with my ex in Sept last year, we were together for 13 years and have 1 ds with autism and diagnosed with cancer in aug. 9 weeks after we split he got engaged and I moved out Jan 7th. She moved in Jan 10th. Am struggling to come to terms with it all. He is in family home cos I couldn't afford it and now she is there. Its nearly 6 months since we split. I don't want him anywhere near me but have to accept my son needs a relationship with him. Am trying hard. he has my son every other weekend and one day during the week.
Am I being unreasonable and why do I feel so angry.

I hope so bananas, we were together (nearly typed we've been together) 6 years. Just feel sick and like im drowning and cant catch my breath. I just hope autopilot switches on tomorrow for the kids sake.

Haven't even cried yet. Keep thinking is he just letting me down gently and giving me false hope by staying away all week? Has he met someone else?

How dare he leave me with two kids! Arghhhh

I seriously don't know what you're on iwerta to say such an appalling, incendiary and totally inappropriate thing.

Bananas, I'm a bit confused that you don't understand why you'[re angry. Hello, you have been abandoned, betrayed, replaced; lost your home and, while it is still warm with your presence, he moves in his bit of stuff. All this in your desperate hour of need, when your son is ill with cancer and receiving treatment. And you wonder why you're angry??

IIWY I would get a bat and wack the shit out of some cushions with your entire strength to get the TOTALLY JUSTIFIABLE incandescant anger out of your system. imo to hold down such justifiable rage is bad for your health - mental and physical - and you have to get it out. I'm suggesting the bat because it is a safe way to get it out, else you might kill the fucking bastard shit cunt arsehole.

The bat technique is absolutely brilliant for tapping into the rage and letting it out safely - and is followed by a wonderful calm. YOu need it banana, while you go through the process of adjusting to this appalling betrayal. It's not a one-off thing either, do it when the rage starts building up. We british are so off about anger, don't know what to do with it - but it is healthy, an emotion in place for exactly the situation you are facing.

In the old days, women used to make signs/notices, with a picture of the lowlife prick on it, a short description of what he has done, and hang them on every lampost in every street: name him and shame him. If the blog is the equivalent then go ahead, keep it up. I am also of the breed that doesn't believe we shouldn't call a spade a spade: you can tell your lo that daddy has hurt your feelings and you don't feel very friendly towards him at the moment - this, so you don't have to pretend. Imo kids know exactly what is going on but if nobody names it it is confusing for them.

I'm not sure why you lost the house as it is usual that the law supports the woman staying in the family home with the children, but assume there are mitigating factors?

xx hug hug xx

The point I was making is that bitterness will hurt no-one but yourself, it won't make a jot of difference to him or his new partner.

ps make sure you're alone in the house when you do the bat thing

sorry about your lad, I really hope he responds to treatment

no advice you have every right to feel angry and upset, shit happens eh?

but I hope that your boy pulls through this, and you meet someone lovely

Bitterness comes, in spades, iwerta when you stuff appropriate feelings, anger being the most appropriate in these circumstances. Life isn't a theoretical exercise lifted from a textbook - it's real: no more so than in the appalling situation that the OP is facing. There's a time for calm but it isn't now when the wound is fresh!

Some MH professionals do think that 'venting' anger actually makes it last longer, and it's better to distract yourself with pleasant things until the anger fades. I appreciate that you are having an awful time OP and I am sorry about your poor little boy's illness, but sometimes dwelling on anger about stuff that can't be changed or controlled does make it fester. Some people might recommend setting yourself a time limit in terms of having an allocated slot in the day for angry/negative/distressing thoughts and, if such thoughts pop up at other times, tell yourself that you are not going to think about the Bad Stuff till the appointed time.

SpringchickenGoldBrass- Has phrased my view far better than I have

I guess we're all different but imo anger is the cleanest, clearest, healthiest agent to clean a deep wound. Banana, you say you are experiencing intense feelings of anger and imo that is your natural healing agent firing up when it is most needed. I agree that time to vent the anger impulse 'should' be limited/timetabled - excellent advice - but imo if it is allowed to appropriately roll, following a natural pattern, the anger will run its course. However, the zen-like om of thinking good thoughts is imo absurd at a time like this: it is missing out a vital, absolutely essential, step to conclusive healing. Which is why anger forces its way to the fore at the appropriate time and to quash it is folly imo. OP you are grieving and grief notoriously follows a difficult and ungainly path, often swinging wildly at various times. You can't hurry the process and you also can't ignore the difficult bits by slapping on a lot of tosh to cover it up.

Everyone's messages have been amazingly useful. Thank-you so much :). Am off to get a bat tomorrow to try the theory!!