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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel that dd is being left out...

28 replies

impty · 26/04/2011 13:23

Moved to a new house a couple of months ago. Next door neighbour was lovely at first and was keen for our dd's to be friend. Her dd has a disability, and my dd jokingly called her weird.... as she would any of her other friends. The kids were okay about it , it was said in fun etc but next door neighbour has now decided she doesn't like my dd.
So when her dd invited to mines party no present, wont let her dd play with mine any more and now keeps inviting all neighbourhood kds to her back garden and excluding mine....
So obviously my dd feels hurt, left out etc and I am furious.... i know i should turn the other cheek but I do feel really annoyed!
What do you think?

OP posts:
PiousPrat · 26/04/2011 13:27

Did your DD apologise for calling her weird? Yes it may be something that a lot of her friends call each other all the time, but perhaps those friends don't have any reason to be sensitive to it. It was probably a bit tactless of her to say it given that she knew the girl had a disability.

How old are they? Would it be worth speaking to the woman next door and saying your DD didn't mean to upset her daughter, and would it be possible for her to make amends? It may not work, but at least you would know you have tried and it would also teach your DD a valuable lesson in thinking before she speaks and considering the feelings of others, not to mention that actions have consequences.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 26/04/2011 13:29

Your DD called a disabled child weird and she's the one that's hurt? 'Jokey' or not, you think the kids were ok with it but this girl must have been upset or she'd still be happy to be friends with your DD. Imagine how you'd feel as a mum if the situation were reversed?
Did your DD apologise? Have you had a conversation about it with your neighbour?

Original poster
impty · 26/04/2011 13:32

i too have a disabled daughter, and have to deal with similar, although i do feel i have a greater sense of perspective!
Dd did apologise, as have I- which is why I am upset that she is now being left out.
Plus I was told not to mention her disabilty at first as she wants her daughter to be treated normally by other kids.....

OP posts:
Original poster
impty · 26/04/2011 13:34

when the comment was made my dd was NOT aware of disabilty..on her mums instructions!

OP posts:
singarainbow · 26/04/2011 13:34

How old are the kids?

Original poster
impty · 26/04/2011 13:35

10

OP posts:
Original poster
impty · 26/04/2011 13:37

and I will make clear that I do not think dd was right to make any comment, she was told off for it, but I just feel that shes now being openly badly treated by the ADULT- the kids are fine when they see each other.

OP posts:
crazynanna · 26/04/2011 13:39

If your DD called her weird not knowing about the girl's disability,then i don't see it as a discrimination-type comment.

maybe leave it a while,and try talk to the mum again.

Bucharest · 26/04/2011 13:41

Ok, let's remove the (invisible but plural Hmm) disabilities from the thread.

10 yr old calls other 10 yr old weird.

Nope.I probably wouldn't want my daughter playing with yours either.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 26/04/2011 13:41

It does sound like you've done what you can to make amends, what a shame. Either this woman is a bit of a rotter or perhaps her DD isn't quite as up for being friends as perhaps it might look on the outside?

pigletmania · 26/04/2011 13:53

Bucharest that's a bit heavy they are only 10 fgs don't you ever make a mistake Hmm. The dd apologised, she did not know that the girl had a disability, the op apologised what more can you do. Just leave it. Mabey talk to the mum later on.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 26/04/2011 13:56

We cant chose our kids friends for them...hurtful as it is...maybe your next door beighbours dd just doesnt like your dd now.....I would be very cross if my DS called someones kids wierd to their face!

I know its hurtful when they get left out but you just have to let them get on with it.

singarainbow · 26/04/2011 14:00

I think the other mum is over-reacting. Even if your dd did know of the disability the context of calling her "weird" maybe completley unrelated. Its not nice to name call, but it happens...and they are both 10 and need to learn to fight their own battles without parents getting involved.

If the other mum wants her dd to be treated as anyother 10 year old, leave her to it. I have a older brother with cerebral plasy, and our parents always wanted him to be treated the same as the rest of us. So we used to fight )physically aswell), argue, name call and generally hate eachother, normal siblings

Original poster
impty · 26/04/2011 14:21

Okay, this has helped.
Obviously new in the area and so we all need to make friends and I have no one to bounce this off!
My dd was wrong to say what she did, and yes this is the consequence. Perhaps time will help heal this, perhaps in a couple of weeks this will be fogotten about.
Perhaps my neighbour is like Bucharest and dd only gets one chance! Time will tell, in the mean time I will stop getting annoyed by it and see how things progress.
thanks

OP posts:
FlamingJamie · 26/04/2011 14:27

Was it name-calling or was it both of them joking together? I can't really tell form what you've said.

On the face of it the mother seems to be over-reacting

Original poster
impty · 26/04/2011 14:33

I wasn't there other mum was, and it was described as joking around, but obviously it's upset her/ her mum. It wasn't meant in a mean or nasty way. DD is nice and friendly... never had to deal with the situation before.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 26/04/2011 14:44

We are putting our pc view on what is usual child speak. I suppose like in this case the word weird means something different to the child as it does an adult. For example two children are talking

childA "I eat branflakes for breakfast
childB "errr your weird"

This is one of many dialogues that can happen between kids. Total overreaction IMO. The girl did not know the other had a disability and did not seem that she was making fun of her

FlamingJamie · 26/04/2011 14:46

yes, I have to say. That's what I'd assume pigletmania. Seems this has hit a very raw nerve for the other mum, which I can understand, but I also agree with someone above who said children should be allowed a second chance

millie30 · 26/04/2011 15:02

This reminds me of when I was about 9 and I was friends with a girl at school and one day we had an argument- she called me a cow so I called her a pig in return. We were fine again that afternoon but the following morning she told me her mum said she wasn't allowed to talk to me anymore because I was racist (she was black.) She had clearly given her mother an edited account of our argument and her mother had interpreted my name calling as having connotations that it didn't.

My mum was quite annoyed about it and phoned her mother that night to clear the air. She acknowledged she'd misunderstood and overreacted, and I was invited over for tea the next day.

OP, is it possible for you to speak to the mother and explain that your DD didn't mean any harm and that you would like to all start afresh and be friends?

MCos · 26/04/2011 15:32

I hear my DD1 (9) and DD2 (7) use the word 'weird' regularly. Sometimes I've pulled them up on it, when it doesn't sound kind. But it seems to be some kind of slang, and it is much used by their crowd.

We also got on a neighbor Mom's 'black-list'. They blank DH and myself, and are barely civil to the kids. Think it was caused by something that happened at school. But, we figure that it is their problem, not ours... (If they hadn't acted so strange, I would have tried to find out, but suits me find not to have their DD1 at our house on a regular basis any more!)

I think your neighbor will get tired of having all the kids in her back yard all the time. Do the kids also play outside? Does your DD get an opportunity to play with the other neighbor kids? If so, she will make her own friends shortly.

You have my sympathy though - it is not a nice thing to happen, for your DD or for yourself.

Insomnia11 · 26/04/2011 15:38

I think weird means "odd but in a cool way" these days doesn't it?

worraliberty · 26/04/2011 15:38

I think there might be a bit more to it for the parent to be so unforgiving. If your DDs were really good friends it would be VERY difficult for the Mother to stop her daughter playing with yours...especially over being called weird just one time.

Perhaps there have been other things said/gone on over a period of time and this was the last straw?

OTTMummA · 26/04/2011 15:40

You know what if the mother is this oversensative maybe it is best to avoid her for a while, goodness what else she will take the wrong way, and i wouldn't want someone who can be that nasty to a child over a misunderstanding near my child anyway.
She needs to grow some thicker skin fgs, and take into account the content of which the word was said, and the age of the children.
If the little girl is over it, the mother should bloody well be too Hmm

OTTMummA · 26/04/2011 15:41

to*

usualsuspect · 26/04/2011 15:42

I don't think calling another child weird is especially bad ...especially if she didn't know about the disabilities

The other mother is being OTT and should butt out ..I hate all the parental involvement in childrens squabbles that seems to go on nowadays