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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to be cross with FIL?

33 replies

stabiliser15 · 26/04/2011 13:19

My DD is 12 weeks old. My DH's parents have several grandchildren, of which mine is the youngest. She is also my PFB! DH's parents look after all their grandchildren (except DD) when their parents work.

They are very good with their grandchildren but resolutely ignore parents' instructions in relation to food. For example, my SD is 5 and in danger of becoming fat. Her mum and DH have asked grandparents to give her fruit only after school. Grandparents regularly give her sandwiches, cake, ice cream etc in spite of this and then blame her mum for the fact she is a little chubby. DH's niece (10 months) is regularly fed cake despite requests for her to only be given her packed lunch. When DH's SIL printed a list of meal times and approved foods (which I thought was a sensible non-confrontational way to deal with the issue), parents-in-law were offended and still take the mickey behind her back. So there are issues with them and food.

When we were there on Easter Sunday for a big family meal, my FIL was holding DD and dipped his finger into some double cream and fed it to her! I was absolutely dumbfounded but managed to not lose temper and just tried to look disapproving. My MIL then asked if DD wanted a yoghurt! At least she asked and I was able to politely point out that she is not yet weaned and therefore cannot have food.

But when I attempted to politely ask FIL not to do that in future, he got cross with me and said that they have raised children before and know what they're doing.

When I go back to work I have asked parents in law to look after DD one afternoon a week (not my preferred childcare but they'd be offended if not asked to help). I'm really worried now. DH is great and has spoken to them and has to regularly about his DD1 but the problem is they just ignore him! I now am feeling v reluctant to let them look after DD. AIBU?

OP posts:

cjel · 26/04/2011 13:27

I think if they take mickey behind your back that is better than child being fed against your wishes. I remember walking in on my mil and sils once when I had refused their offer of a cut up asprin for babydd who was teething. I ignored it and got on with my plan!! I think it could cause you a lot of stress if you let them look after her, so I would put her needs before their feelings, I don't think they will change you have seen what they do behind others backs. If they are upset at your decision they will have to learn to live with it. YANBUxxxxxx

NinkyNonker · 26/04/2011 14:01

I wouldn't ask them to help tbh, you know what they're like so to ask them then get off with them would be a little silly.

Just organise your own care, if they raise it just feign ignorance and say you've made your own plans.

What does your DH say/do?

holyShmoley · 26/04/2011 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Balsam · 26/04/2011 14:11

I think if it's only one afternoon a week, I would live with it. They can only stuff so much cake into her in an afternoon. If it was full-time or several days, then I'd say different.

Did they abide by SIL's rules, despite taking the mickey?

Original poster

stabiliser15 · 26/04/2011 14:19

They have already been asked and would have been/ would be VERY offended if we had not asked or changed plans now. Knowing what they're like, I managed to limit their involvement to one afternoon a week and assumed that once DD was eating, the odd deviation from my preferred menu could be tolerated for the sake of keeping the peace.

With their other grandchildren they know the parents simply have no other childcare options so essentially know they can continue to get away with it.

DH feels caught between a rock and hard place.

I would prefer to avoid any unpleasantness which would be caused by saying their services are no longer required. I'd prefer DD to go to nursery that afternoon but am going to grit my teeth and see how it goes - they live 30 miles away and have agreed to come to our house for that afternoon - FIL will drop MIL off at ours and I'll take her home afterwards. So am hoping that those arrangements will assist with the situation.

Am just astonished that FIL is essentially suggesting that I am being unreasonable by asking him not to give even tiny tasters of food to my non-weaned child!

OP posts:

owlmaster · 26/04/2011 14:20

I'd look for other options.. it sounds like you don't need them for childcare and are considering it because you assume they want or expect to do it. I agree this is about them stating who is boss. The current issue is food but they'll override your wishes anytime they feel like it. Just because others haven't set boundaries with the PIL doens't mean that you have to follow suit. Your baby, your choice.

chocadoodle · 26/04/2011 14:56

Your DD is just 12 weeks old. This is something that is just beginning, it will not get better, it will get worse as she gets older. Fast forward 2 years from now and you will have an endless list of things they have done with your DD that you'd rather they hadn't and it won't just be to do with food.

This is the problem with accepting free childcare from relatives. If you are happy to accept that it's just one afternoon a week and know they will do what they like regardless of what you say then go ahead with your arrangements. If you disagree with their methods that strongly then you'd be mad to rely on them as you will just end up frustrated and angry. They will not change their ways if they've always done it their way.

My DSIL has her parents look after her kids 1 day a week while she works and they also have her kids ad hoc during the week. If her kids mis-behave the grandparents will tell the kids off and discipline them even when DSIL is there. She knows she cannot expect them to switch on and off from being solely in charge to cuddly grandma and grandad. My FIL once told off my DS (2 years old) in front of me for doing something in my house that I didn't consider to be naughty at all. I was as I don't rely on them for any childcare apart from the occasional evening out (3-4 times a year). DH told him afterwards that if we are in the room we decide whether DS is told off or not and for FIL to just relax and enjoy being a grandad rather than having to worry about discipline. This is what happens when boundaries get confused, do you want them to be grandparents or childcare providers? My FIL was just treating my DS the same as he would his other grandchildren which is understandable from his POV but I don't make the same requests of him as DSIL.

sleepingsowell · 26/04/2011 15:15

I would have been cross with him too, about the cream - however if your DD will be weaned when you go back to work, I really wouldn't worry.
It will be far far better for your DD to have good consistent loving contact with adoring grandparents one afternoon a week - having sandwiches/cake or whatever one afternoon a week is not going to harm her.
I think as you have already decided to limit it to that, there's really nothing to worry about.

MorticiaAddams · 26/04/2011 15:56

I wouldn't ask them to look after your dd. I always think there should be some compromises when asking grandparents to look after your children as they have their own ways but your inlaws sound way too over the top.

MorticiaAddams · 26/04/2011 15:59

They have already been asked and would have been/ would be VERY offended if we had not asked or changed plans now.

They are quite happy to offend you by blatantly challenging and ignoring you and tellling you that they know better so why worry about offending them.

You could say that you wouldn't mind the children having a limited amount of sweets/cakes/crisps but stuffing them full isn't on.

OTTMummA · 26/04/2011 16:01

I think this issue is more about him not respecting your rules as the actual parent.
What you say goes, end of.
If she were mine, and i caught him doing that again before weaning, i would bite his bloody finger
It is not his choice to feed her shit before she is weaned properly, tell him, because he will just keep ignoring you, what next, honey or walnut whip to suck on
Give him some stats on the risks of early weaning, and foods which shouldn't be introduced before a year, tell him that there will be no further conversation about it, if it happens again, you won't leave DD with them until after 1 yr.

millie30 · 26/04/2011 16:11

I completely agree with chocadoodle, that's exactly why I put my DS in nursery so I could give instructions over his care and know it would be followed, and not have boundaries blurred. I love my parents dearly, but recruiting them as free childcare would have given them a form of ownership over my DS that I didn't want them to have. OP, I would seriously consider other options for childcare, if they are so dosm

millie30 · 26/04/2011 16:12

Sent to soon! Meant to say- if they are so dismissive of your wishes in front of you, it will get even worse when they are in sole charge.

Icoulddoitbetter · 26/04/2011 16:15

Gawd, I hate this! Thankfully my MIL just comments on me being mean for not letting DS have chocolate, cake etc but wouldn't give him anything I hadn't ok'ed. But i have been made to feel bad when I've spoken about what I do and don't agree with parenting-wise. I think as they have brought up so many children and GC, I think they get easily offended at any suggestion that what they are doing is wrong. I accept I'm very PFB, but I also have problems as MIL has other grandchildren whose parents have very different "standards" to me and are more in keeping with MIL's, so that makes me look even more odd!

You can either state very clearly what is and isn't allowed and tell them why, and sod the fact that they'll moan about it behind your back. Or, accept that when they are with granny and granddad they'll not eat as healthily as you'd like.

VajazzHands · 26/04/2011 16:20

But when I attempted to politely ask FIL not to do that in future, he got cross with me and said that they have raised children before and know what they're doing.

Next time say, you know how to raise children your way

I'd like to raise my children my way

They are being really out of order.

ENormaSnob · 26/04/2011 16:26

I wouldn't let them have her tbh

tough shit if they are offended.

They don't give a fuck if you are offended.

squeakytoy · 26/04/2011 16:31

Sandwiches and a bit of cake at 5 years old... blimey! they will have her mainlining heroin soon

How about the child runs about a bit more and burns off a bit of her energy and gets to eat a little of something she enjoys.

VajazzHands · 26/04/2011 16:57

Yeah OP your unweaned baby should just work harder to burn off the food your fil put in her mouth!

Squakytoy if someone asks you not to feed their child (and it was sandwiches, cake icecream regularly not a bit of cake) it isnt really up to you to feed them how you want then tell the parents to let the kid "run around" more.

squeakytoy · 26/04/2011 17:02

I would disagree, if my MIL was looking after my kids, unless she was giving them a pint of stella and a deep fried mars bar, I would trust her judgment, considering she has raised 2 kids already into being healthy fully grown adults.

Giving a child a sandwich after school, or a slice of cake, is not going to do any harm if the child is active. Most children are hungry after school, and need something a bit more filling than an apple.

changingmynameagain · 26/04/2011 17:10

30 mile trip to drop MIL home - that's a 60 mile round trip for you with a baby in the car?

chocolatehobnobs · 26/04/2011 17:19

YANBU. My friend has a similar problem. Her PIL look after her 2 year old DS 3 afternoons a week . They spoil him rotten, feed him crap all the time, give him whatever he wants and always in front of tv. Now his parents can't get him to eat normally, he is losing weight and throws a wobbler if tv is turned off. Friend and DH have spoken to parents many times about respecting their rules and diet and are completely ignored. Don't let them have her if they can't respect your parenting.

nineweeksandcounting · 26/04/2011 17:29

yanbu. My FIL is a nightmare like this. Yanked DD up on his shoulders once and sauntered along not even holding her legs when she was just a baby and waved me away saying he had raised children himself. He doesn't have a clue. You need to stand up to people like that. She's your DD and you decide what she eats. I know it can be hard to stand up to them but you'll feel a lot better for it.

Icoulddoitbetter · 26/04/2011 19:41

Bloody hell, I missed the sentence about them living 30 miles away! Are you really going to want to do a 60 mile round trip after a day at work?! And would you need to have your DD with you when you do that???? That is the only reason you need to say you'll be sending DD to nursery. There have been a could of occasions when my MIL (very kindly) has had my DS on a work day and I've had to go and collect him, she's 45 miles away. Getting in the car and knowing I've got to spend nearly two hours in the car before I get home is horrible!

It's not practical as a long term arrangement unless you are really stuck.

Nanny0gg · 26/04/2011 19:47

Point out that however much experience they may have in raising children, they have no experience in raising yours.
I will never understand GPs that don't respect the parents' views.
(Mainly because I wouldn't dare not follow them!)
You hold the power - if they don't do what you want then they don't look after the child.
And they can be as offended as they like!

hairylights · 26/04/2011 19:49

Yanbu. Bit yabvu to use them for childcare if their attitude is so bad.

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