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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be hurt and upset by this comment from DH?

49 replies

frumpymum1 · 26/04/2011 08:57

"I don't like the shape you are right now"

I'm 10 stone 6 and a size 12. Pre-kids I was around 9.5 stone and always a size 10 on top and 12 on the bottom. After DC1 was born I got down to 9.12 before gettring pregnant again. We have 2 DC, age 2.9 and 10 months, and since having DC2 I have struggled to lose the 3.5 stone I put on, especially round the middle. I finally thought I was getting somewhere, this weekend I was even wearing quite a fitted t-shirt with a long skirt and thought I looked ok.

In his defence, it all came about after a discussion about my sister. She came to stay and DH commented several times how alike we were looking at the moment. DSis is a bit bigger than me, a size 16. (Big disclaimer: I love my sister, she is gorgeous the way she is and has always been very happy as she is). After she left I mentioned it and said how come we suddenly look more alike then. He said he guessed it was because I was broader on top now, and we are more of a similar shape. He then said he loved the shape I was when we met and delivered the killer line "I don't like the shape you are now". I got quite upset, he immediately said I'd been prodding him to say it, he couldn't help how he felt, it was just a fact that I've changed...

I know I shouldn't let it bother me, I know logically I am an alright size for a woman in her 30s with 2 young kids but I just feel gutted and keep randomnly crying when I think about it. He has since apologised, said he didn't mean to upset me , it's just a fact we're both getting older etc.

I just wish he could say 'I think you're gorgeous the way you are'. That's all it would take for me to feel comfortable with the size and shape I am. But he never does. He has a bit of a reputation among our friends for always putting his foot in it and saying the wrong thing so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

He is a good dad and mostly a nice DH, I know he loves me and he often does nice things for me. I just feel absolutely gutted that I feel like he doesn't fancy me.

OP posts:

NoelEdmondshair · 26/04/2011 09:02

YANBU to be upset. I would have decked him. Several times.

magicmelons · 26/04/2011 09:03

yanbu, what an arse. Does he look the same as when you first met?

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 26/04/2011 09:03

What an utter arse. There is honestly and there is keeping your gob shut about your wifes new shape since she has carried your two babies... the two are generally mutually exclusive if a bloke has any sense. Tell him if he wanted a trophy wife he should have been content not to have children.

Is he 'all that'? Has he carried two babies?

Even if you hadn't been doing so much to get back to your old shape this would be a shitty thing to say, being as you have he should be completely ashamed of himself.

Chil1234 · 26/04/2011 09:04

This is a case of not asking a question unless you're totally prepared for an answer you don't like. IME some men will give you 'honesty' unless you state at the outset that you want 'flattery'. If you want him to say he loves you as you are or that he fancies you then ask directly rather than relying on hints or telepathy. Communicate.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 26/04/2011 09:05

I doubt my DH would be standing if he said that to me. When we got married I was about a size 10, I am closer to a 20 now.
IMVHO, it is what's inside that counts, of course I would like to be slimmer, but my PCOS puts paid to a lot of that, and knackered knees mean I can't do anything really other than swim.
Can you tell your DH how upset he's made you?
Randomly crying seems a tiny bit melodramatic to me. Sorry.

ElsieR · 26/04/2011 09:05

oh dear. This sucks. YANBU.

oldenoughtowearpurple · 26/04/2011 09:05

Poor you and poor him. It would be better for him if he'd kept his mouth shut, clumsy oaf. Honesty is so overrated IMHO.

OTTMummA · 26/04/2011 09:05

I actually think he has been very nasty.
He hasn't asked you about how you feel whilst 'this size' or if he can do anything to support you if you want to change for yourself, no he has just come out with a nasty blunt comment, designed to nothing but hurt.

Did he expect you to stay exactly the same weight all through having children?
I think its pretty common knowledge that with each child and womans stable weight will go up a few lbs.
Your children are still very young, and it sounds as if you ARE making an effort.
It must be nice being a man and having no physical changes thrust upon your body when you have a child.
I hope he reads this ,,,, because you have been a twunt.

magicmelons · 26/04/2011 09:06

chil there is a better way of putting, your carrying some extra weight right now than " i don't like the shape you are now" and she has 2 babies in quick succession.

valiumbandwitch · 26/04/2011 09:07

I think you should insult him. Tell him he's got a belly, he's bald, hairy nostirls, chicken legs whatever. Tell him you don't like it. might make him see.

or, become addicted to the gym and leave him to look after the kids every evening and all weekend. gym shmym, go to the cinema, shopping as well.

ConstanceFelicity · 26/04/2011 09:07

Oh, that is cruel of him. :(
I am totally impressed with your size 12, and annoyed on your behalf that he's made out you pushed him to that comment.
I have been overweight for ages (size 16/18) and have now gone down quite a lot (12/14)- My DH, for all his faults, never said anything about my weight except "You look great now that you've lost weight, but you also looked great before." I know he prefers me slimmer but he'd never say it as he knows what hard work it is to get the weight down.
Show your DH this thread.

ilovemybabie · 26/04/2011 09:08

YANBU, my mum is a size 16 and dad is skinny and he wouldnt dream of saying that to her (probly because she would deck him lol)

Youre DH should not be bringing you down. for a woman youre age you are a good size :)

Chil1234 · 26/04/2011 09:11

It would have been better for the husband not to mention shape at all but not everyone is blessed with the gift of tact. What concerns me is that the OP styles themselves 'frumpymum1'. They're comparing themselves with a size 16 sister - and whilst it's OK for the sister to be size 16, it's not OK for them. The question was in the 'does my bum look big in this' category the husband's slightly cackhanded comment hit a nerve but their low self-esteem runs rather deeper.

Of course if the husband is in the habit of making nasty comments, this won't help self-esteem.

OTTMummA · 26/04/2011 09:11

My DH has nightmares of me sitting on him [shocked]
Therefore, he doesn't mutter a word except, 'ooohh, your so cuddly' whilst giving me a nuzzle.

Original poster

frumpymum1 · 26/04/2011 09:22

Thank you all, you've immediately made me feel better! I was worried I was just being oversensitive, somehow it's quite cathartic to hear him called an arse by strangers on the internet

Chil1234, I've namechanged for this, hence the name. I agree it's illogical to think my sister looks ok but be self-critical, but then aren't we all like that really. Plus for her, it's always been her natural shape.

Oldenough, he is a clumsy oaf and genuinely seems to think he was just being honest. To be fair, he also moans about how he's geting fat but I (stupidly) tell him he looks fine. Not anymore...

OP posts:

MotherMucca · 26/04/2011 09:22

Ugh. What a charmer. Try not to let it erode your self-esteem, use the energy instead to get yourself out there, treat yourself to some you time. Leave the arse your husband at home with the children.

And please change your name I bet you are anything but frumpy with your lovely size 12 figure.

NinkyNonker · 26/04/2011 09:24

I'd love to be a 12.

ilovemybabie · 26/04/2011 09:26

I am only 20 and i'm a size 12. i wouldnt want to be any more skinny either though to be honest.

MotherMucca · 26/04/2011 09:29

Disclaimer: not that one has to be a certain size to be not frumpy. I am bigger than the OP, and far from frumpy.

Rev084 · 26/04/2011 09:31

I think Chil1234 has a point, the OP has picked up on her DH's comments of her and her size 16 sister looking similar long before he mentioned that he no longer liked her shape.

OP - you have achieved alot by losing 3 and half stone, and you're now only a stone bigger than what you used to be, surely that doesn't make you look too different to what you used to. What your husband said is awful but confidence comes from how you feel about yourself not what others think, including your DH. Sounds cliche but its true, thats why your size 16 sister does look good, because she knows it. And some bigger people look tons better than skinny waifs because they shine happiness from the inside. Please don't rise to or allow yourself to be crushed by his comment, take a good look in the mirror cos you're probably looking great!

Absolutelyfabulous · 26/04/2011 09:35

Very tactlessly put but I guess you did sort of ask?

I dunno, we all know, surely, what sizes and shapes our OH's find attractive? I know for a fact that whilst DH would love me to bits he wouldn't fancy me nor I him, if we got fat. So 1) I wouldn't ever ask and 2) it's a big incentive to keep slim.

So I am sitting on the fence about whether you ABU!

Bottleofbeer · 26/04/2011 09:38

It was nasty, it would have been much nicer and more tactful to say he preferred her the shape she was (even that wouldn't be 'nice') but to say outright that he doesn't like the shape she is now? git.

I've been there and it's a pure kick in the guts for the one person who is supposed to love you for who you are to come out with it. People rarely recall the compliments but never forget the criticisms and shit like that stays with you long time and totally knocks your confidence.

OTTMummA · 26/04/2011 09:50

I think some men do not appreciate what having a baby does to your body.
Let alone gaining weight etc.
Ill thought out comments like the OP's DH tell me he does not realise (or has choosen to ignore )what trauma having a child or 2 does to your body and doesn't respect the fact that she is trying to make an effort.

My dh is so grateful towards me for carrying out child, i've put on weight, a considerable amount really, but also i will never walk the same again, be able to live and exercise normally without serious pain relief every day.

I think it hurts the OP more, because she was actually feeling a little better about herself/weight and made an effort to dress well, but her DH's comments didn't match her own thoughts.
Nasty.

CherryPie3 · 26/04/2011 09:55

I would strangle my dh if he ever dared say something so insensitive!! He would seriously be sleeping at his mothers house for a few weeks nights.

YANBU and I am very envious of your size 12 figue! I'm a size 22 and struggle hugely with losing weight.

CherryPie3 · 26/04/2011 09:56

figure*

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