to be hurt and upset by this comment from DH?

[frumpymum1]

"I don't like the shape you are right now"

I'm 10 stone 6 and a size 12. Pre-kids I was around 9.5 stone and always a size 10 on top and 12 on the bottom. After DC1 was born I got down to 9.12 before gettring pregnant again. We have 2 DC, age 2.9 and 10 months, and since having DC2 I have struggled to lose the 3.5 stone I put on, especially round the middle. I finally thought I was getting somewhere, this weekend I was even wearing quite a fitted t-shirt with a long skirt and thought I looked ok.

In his defence, it all came about after a discussion about my sister. She came to stay and DH commented several times how alike we were looking at the moment. DSis is a bit bigger than me, a size 16. (Big disclaimer: I love my sister, she is gorgeous the way she is and has always been very happy as she is). After she left I mentioned it and said how come we suddenly look more alike then. He said he guessed it was because I was broader on top now, and we are more of a similar shape. He then said he loved the shape I was when we met and delivered the killer line "I don't like the shape you are now". I got quite upset, he immediately said I'd been prodding him to say it, he couldn't help how he felt, it was just a fact that I've changed...

I know I shouldn't let it bother me, I know logically I am an alright size for a woman in her 30s with 2 young kids but I just feel gutted and keep randomnly crying when I think about it. He has since apologised, said he didn't mean to upset me , it's just a fact we're both getting older etc.

I just wish he could say 'I think you're gorgeous the way you are'. That's all it would take for me to feel comfortable with the size and shape I am. But he never does. He has a bit of a reputation among our friends for always putting his foot in it and saying the wrong thing so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

He is a good dad and mostly a nice DH, I know he loves me and he often does nice things for me. I just feel absolutely gutted that I feel like he doesn't fancy me.

somewhat tactless yes. I would perhaps try to act upon it in a positive way though and (as someone else suggested) tell your DH that he has upset you and that you would like to "improve" your shape but in order for you to do that he will have to help by looking after the DCs while you exercise, share in healthy eating, maybe even agree to a new wardrobe - if your shape has changed, not just your weight, then styles you used to wear eg high necklines, very narrow straps, may now be very unflattering and if you looked for alternatives it may balance you out a bit - it can make a huge difference.

Does he look the same as when you met him?

What an immature, insenitive thing to say. I'd expect an adult to have more self-control.

I'm much heavier than when DH first met me 10 years ago. I had 3 children in 5 years and am 40.

He's not, but he's lost more hair - most of it, actually - and his face has aged more as he smokes a pack a day and is a blond with blue eyes who never uses suncream.

We've both changed. We're 10 years older.

Duh.

I think he has been very tactless so YANBU especially as you seem to be starting to feel good about your body. Your baby is only 10 months old and they do say 9 months on and 9 months off! Prephaps you should say well actually I'm not feeling great about my shape either but as you (DH) could also do with shedding a few pounds lets do the final slog together.

I wouldnt like my DH to say this to me however I also wouldnt like him to tell me he thought I was gorgeous whatever size I was.
I know my DH fancys me a lot more when I am slimmer which on paper sounds a bit shallow but I think its more to do with the fact I feel better about myself when I am slimmer.
At the mo I'm on a bit of a health kick Ive joined Slimming World (lost a stone) and joined a Bootcamp group in our local park and for the first time in ages I am starting to see visable results in the tone of my muscles.
I feel sexxier and more attractive so I guess its not hard to see why DH prefers it!!

Well is your DH the same shape he was in when you both met?

Why do men think their wives will remain a size whatever till they die, bodies dont work that way, especially after having a couple of children, I swear my hips are wider than pre kids, and I can't see myself losing (or wanting to lose) bone density to to go back to my pre children shape!

Sounds to me like he was the one pushing the issue, he was the one going on about you looking like your sister. Clearly he wanted to say this for a while.

If my DH told me he didn't like my current shape I would not be able to have sex with him. I could not have sex with someone if I felt he was put off by me or not attracted to me. So there would be no sex until he had convinced me that he was attracted to me as his wife who he loves, not as a sex puppet who has to match up to a physical ideal from his head.

Just sayin'

Am now thinking about getting t-shirts printed with 'I am NOT a sex puppet' on the front and maybe a pic of a blow up doll with strings.

Could send one to you op..

Your Dh is shallow and needs to buck up or stfu.

Tell him hes prettier when he keeps his mouth closed

But OP didn't ask him 'do you like my new shape?'
He didn't have to say this.

I never understand men who say this sort of rubbish. Of course people change fgs! If we couldn't accept our partners changing we should all be divorced now . I was wearing bikini when i met dh, i look erm....bit different now.

I think these comments are nasty actually.

Does he look the same like he did at 18?

YANBU, it was phrased in a hurtful way.

My DH liked me the size I was pre-children. He also very much likes the increased bust size. Can't have it both ways - but most importantly, he tells me he loves me whatever shape I am and he wants me to be happy with my body.

If your DH comes out with similar again, you could tell him that you don't much care for his personality now and preferred it when he wasn't an insensitive arse.

Haha, Inertia that made me laugh out loud, I will remember that one

Some really useful comments on here I think - whoever said it, you're right that I think my sister looks good at size 16 because she is so confident with it. I on the other hand still thought I looked crap at size 10 (now I wish I could slap my 25-year-old self and say you look great, silly cow!). I also don't really know how to dress my new shape - I used to have a flat belly, narrow shoulders and small boobs, but a big bum and thighs in comparison, but I knew how to dress to flatter my best bits. Now I seem to be broader on top with bigger boobs (still BF) and I just concentrate on hiding my wobbly tummy.

A friend texted me about starting a zumba class so I think I will join her and try and get some confidence back.

EricNorth - sex puppet? Don't you have to actually have sex to be one? Sigh...

frumpy I am more like the size you describe (pre-DC ) and I find dressing in 'fifties' style is more flattering.

I.e., scoop neck or low cut blouses to emphasize your new cleavage and then flared skirts to make the most of your hips but suggest a more hourglass figure, iyswim. Or belted dresses. Jane Norman do some really flattering stuff, like sweaters/ tops with big shoulders and then cinched waists, or jeans to suit 'curvy' figures.

I am a 12 and get lots of clothes from there :)

YANBU.

Casually say "I've been thinking, you know, and I suppose I am being a bit unrealistic. After all, I preferred you with more hair/less paunch/firmer muscles/better teeth/whatever" and then sigh, and smile slightly wistfully.

What an awful comment. I gained a bit of weight for a while and was quite unhappy with it, DP was brilliant though and insisted he couldn't really notice any difference and he thought I looked and felt lovely - he was very supportive of my efforts to overcome comfort eating/binging and get happier and healthier, but managed to do it without ever insulting or criticising my appearance.

There's just no need at all for anyone to make such rude and nasty comments. If your partner is gaining a lot of weight and you worry about their health, then yes it would be time to say something (gently and tactfully!), but you can do that without being deliberately hurtful.

YANBU

It would be bad enough if he said he preferred your old shape while you were feeling sensitive, but to state he doesn't like your current shape so baldly is horrible. I would find that hard to get out of my mind, because it's not like you can instantly change it (or should have to feel that you must do so).

Ouch!

You weren't fishing for compliments FFS,just asking him what he meant. Nasty.

So he's not the same shape he was when you met?

Shocker.

Oh, and I've got news for him.

You are both likely to continue to change shape.

And get saggy.

And go grey

And get winkly

and get a saggy arse.

All this is normal.

What's he going to do when you are both in your 80s and grey, wrinkled, saggy and take your teeth out to clean them?

Or what if, god forbid, you have an accident that changes the way your body looks?

It's very shallow to place importance on a youthful, trim figure. That figure exists for such a short part of a life together. It has to be the person that matters, the person that attracts you.

YANBU. But... I am not happy with the shape I am now. I would be surprised if my DH fancies me because I am fat. OK, he doesn't look as he did all those years ago either but I don't mention it. However, I know that with a bit of effort, I could be more attractive wheras things like losing hair are harder to combat

He was insensitive and needs to be told as much. You are doing your best and are proud of what you have achieved. I can understand, though, why someone could be disappointed that their partner has changed drastically from the person they fancied in the first place.

I used to be the same weight as you and size 8 - 10 before having kids and at the moment I'm over twelve stone and a size 14 - and not for want to trying to lose weight either, I just don't get on with diets any more, exercise is hard to fit in- though I try my damnedest to do so, I get stressed with work and comfort eat, I've always loved my food and like a glass of wine or three, though my diet is generally good in terms of the meals I cook being well balanced - a testimony to this is that my husband has actually got slimmer since he's been with me :) Though I feel quite healthy and my weight doesn't 'bother' me as much as it used to - I used to worry about every pound but now I'm actually pretty comfortable and confident with myself as I am, though it would be lovely to be lighter as I can remember how nice that feels, and particularly how easy it was to get clothes that suited me.

Anyway, I think your husband is being an arse, and you need to have a serious chat. My DH knows I am trying to be healthy and how much effort I put in with cooking, exercise and, well life in general. So in that sense I haven't 'changed as a person' or 'let myself go' as I'm doing as I've always done just that obviously the priorities are different now. He would never make a disparaging comment about my weight or appearance, or even tease me about it.

What a horrible thing to say to your wife and producer of beautiful children. He sounds like a complete arse. I am furious on your behalf. The problem with these kinds of comments is that it is like hammering a nail into a piece of wood. He can say what he likes now to try to retract it and make you feel better and "pull out the nail", but there will still be a hole left.

I was 9 stones before I had my baby.

I was 15 stones the morning I had my CS. I got to 12 before I left the hospital and 22 months later, I am 10 stones. I wish I could get back to 9 but I am too lazy and always exhausted with work, caring for my son etc (Excuses, I know).

My mum says I'm too thin now but then she'd stuff me with food 24/7 if she could.

My point is, I'd love to get back to 9 stones but I haven't been working at it.

If you are comfortable with how you are, and healthy, then that's all that counts.

Your partner was insensitive and you're NBU to be upset.

Think I would tell DH to f off and find someone who's shape he did like if he ever said that to me - not that he would as he values his testicles. YANBU

The key sentence for me was "he commented several times how alike we're looking at the moment"

This was not a case of you prodding him into telling you, this was him dying for you to ask. He wanted you to know that's what he thinks and I think it unlikely that he is sorry for saying anything. He might be sorry you're so upset but it seems to me this is something he really wanted you to know. Why else would he say it several times? Nasty.

You did really well with your weight loss in between children, if you do it again do it for you not for him. Although the size and weight you are now I don't believe you look bad at all anyway.

I just wanted to say that you have done so well to loose weight. It is an extremely difficult thing to do. I know that when you have children, are tired, working etc there are times when you feel awful. Your DH was very hurtful and rude. This post made me so angry. Your figure sounds absolutely lovely. Try not allow this to happen again by saying "please do not speak to me like that, I feel very hurt by your words. I need you to understand how damaging these statements are. I think you have been very unfair."

Knowing men as I do, as the op says withdrawing sex until he has suffered adequately will do the trick.

Do not let this effect you any further, you are doing a wonderful job.

I just wanted to say thanks for all your supportive messages. I was feeling so low on monday and I'm glad I posted as it has made me feel much better.

DH and I have had a long chat about things and he agrees it was a horrible thing to say and it wasn't really meant the way it sounded. He says of course he still loves me for who I am but that most men do find it weird when their wives bodies change so much with pregnancy, birth etc (even if they're not supposed to say it out loud). But of course he loves me, fancies me, blah blah... I think he was just being incredibly blunt and factual, which is very like him. I think we have drifted apart quite a lot since having 2 kids so close together, we are more like 2 friends who share childcare rather than a husband and wife - we never really spend time alone, make an effort for each other, very rarely have sex! So we've both promised to make more of an effort on our relationship.

I'm glad you've cleared the air with your dh and feel better about it, I can't imagine he knew how much it affected you [csmile]