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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Want MIL to see a psych?

28 replies

braidedsilver · 26/04/2011 07:20

My MIL is a hoarder, I've never seen inside the house, but from what I understand of it she's a level 4/5. I think she needs to see a therapist about her condition and get professional involvement instead of making FIL clean up her mess. She's still bringing stuff home, and it's expected that every time they visit they'll stay with us (in a two bedroom flat!) because they can't have us up, DS Up, or afford a motel. DH insists that she'd disown him if he tried to make her see some one. DH is aware that his mom is an incredibly invasive and controlling person and still thinks it's a good idea for his parents to come stay for a week after we buy a house. Last time they stayed she brought a ton of useless junk we dd not need. AIBU to say that she needs to seek professional help for her issues before she can come stay in my house?

OP posts:

Chil1234 · 26/04/2011 07:29

This is something for her immediate family to put to her as it's a very delicate matter to say 'mum, we think you need help' and it has to be done from a position of trust and love. You can support what they are saying, ask her in advance not to bring junk/gifts to your home, but I don't think you should make visiting your home conditional on her getting treatment.

EdithWeston · 26/04/2011 07:29

YABU.

You cannot make a "third party" referral for medical help, unless you are getting someone sectioned. And it's unfair (to some bullying) to pressure someone into a course of action like that.

Unless your intention is to cause a breach in DH's family, then just give away stuff you don't want the second she leaves.

Original poster

braidedsilver · 26/04/2011 07:32

My DH and FIL are the only immediate family. FIL is an enabler and DH is afraid she'll disown him. They have mold clinging to their clothes due to the state of their house, I get absolutely sick at the thought of letting that into my home. I about came unglued when they held DS after he was born.

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Original poster

braidedsilver · 26/04/2011 07:34

Edith, when you put it that way I guess you're right. I don't want to ruin the family, but I'm so worried they'll die in there, that it's starting to sound worth it. I'm not thinking of trying to get her sanctioned, just of staging an intervention of sorts.

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Original poster

braidedsilver · 26/04/2011 07:36

Wow, rereading my own words it sounds like I'm trying to treat her like a five year old. hangs head I worry about this daily and DH refuses to talk about the subject.

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Chil1234 · 26/04/2011 07:41

Something I did for a relative once was to contact their GP confidentially, make concerns known, and ask them to make a home visit. I suspected the relative was struggling with paranoid schizophrenia and I was right. It didn't breach patient confidentiality because it was me offering the GP information rather than me asking for information. If you are genuinely concerned and don't think that her immediate family are willing or able to do anything then maybe that would be a route for you.

Original poster

braidedsilver · 26/04/2011 07:46

Don't have anything like that to work with, best I could do is anonymously alert the fire marshal, but they could loose their home that way.

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Chil1234 · 26/04/2011 07:48

They don't have a GP?

Original poster

braidedsilver · 26/04/2011 07:51

They might, but I don't know who. They live 400 miles away, so it's not something I can easily finesse out of them.

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Chil1234 · 26/04/2011 09:00

Talk to your FIL about ailments, say what a good doctor you've got and ask who their GP is. Maybe even get DH to ask for their surgery phone number in case they're ever taken ill and need him to help. I'm sure you can think of something. Alternatively, you can do as I did, call a few GP practices at random in their local area, say you're extremely worred about MIL's mental health, give them the name and address and finish with 'you don't have to confirm that they are one of your patients but I need someone to help them'.

ratspeaker · 26/04/2011 09:12

I dont think you can do anything when her nearest family members will not help and she want admit there's a problem
I take it you are not in the UK
What you do need to do is talk to your DH and get some rules set down for his parents visiting. It will be hard for him to set boundaries if your MIL is very controlling, the first thing you need to agree on is not accepting the useless junk as gifts or get rid of it as soon as they've left
Why do you worry daily if they are 400 miles away and you have never been in their house?
You cant do anything about it, you didn't cause it, they're miles away
If your MIL did disown your DH do you mean in emotional terms or monetry terms? Would it be a big loss if she did.

GypsyMoth · 26/04/2011 09:16

is the property owned by them?

Chil1234 · 26/04/2011 09:28

I think it's a shame that if you think a child is being harmed you can call the NSPCC. If you think an animal is suffering you can call the RSPCA. If an person is being abused you can call the police and if they fall down in the street with a heart attack you can call an ambulance. But if a relative is struggling with a suspected undiagnosed mental condition, you can do nothing.....

OTTMummA · 26/04/2011 09:31

All i can do is sympathise with you OP, i have a relative just like this, nothing we have said, or done has changed anything.

Original poster

braidedsilver · 26/04/2011 21:23

No, in the US. Things are a bit different here. Just FYI if a house is a fire-hazzard like theirs in some areas you can serve jail time, the city will come in and remove everything that isn't deemed "necessary" or they'll use eminent domain. The house is filled literally to the ceiling with boxes of god knows what, wooden furniture, and magazines she's been accumulating since DH was about 3, so 25 years. You can't even walk into some rooms of the house because they're so full. It's a hug fire hazzard, nevermind if one of the boxes at the bottom gets rotted out by mold and the piles fall on them. DH insists that's not a risk, but considering his old bedroom is so filled with mold it's a health hazzard you never know. I've seen a corner of the hall on webcam from when DH and I were dating and he still lived there. All I could see behind him was piles of crap taller than him. I worry because as much as MIL pisses me off sometimes I genuinely love and care about her, and I think it's a shame that DS will never be able to go stay with his grandparents for a week in the summer or during holiday breaks. FIL is a cardiac patient and as strong as DH seems to think he is should not be doing that kind of labor at his age and in his condition. One of the last times I talked to him on the phone he was wheezing from carrying cement slabs to a new location. FIL is in his late 60's how can I not worry?

Something mentioned is the rule that when MIL we get rid of the crap she brings us. That'd be awesome. I still can't convince DH that we actually need to get rid of the china she brought us last time. It's hideous, she brought full service for nine, and we simply cannot store it. He told me I could take it to goodwill, but prevents me from doing it every time I try. He won't even compromise with me and let me just get rid of half of it. To say he has some of his mother's issues would be stating the obvious, but he does try.

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ratspeaker · 26/04/2011 21:37

It is a shame yor DS won't be able to stay at his grand parents
But that is their choice
You can't change that, you're not responsible, they are adults. If your (adult) DH wanted to get the place cleared he could by informing the authorities about the fire hazard
But if you haven't been in the house it's really hearsay if you try to inform anyone isn't it?

I'd take the china to goodwill without your DH knowing
or- sneaky -get it out to clean but let the box its in slip, several times if you need to
Or get him to realise you and your family will NOT live like the inlaws and get him to psych/councilling, he must have a few issues being raised like that

parakeet · 26/04/2011 21:46

He said you can take it to goodwill.

So take it when he's out.

cricketballs · 26/04/2011 22:14

"I've never seen inside the house, but from what I understand of it" if you haven't seen tthe house, how can you form an opinion about seeking professional help? Maybe your fil and dh are not seeing things clearly etc.

Before you seek psych help, maybe you should have first hand experience about the issue

Original poster

braidedsilver · 26/04/2011 22:31

Or get him to realise you and your family will NOT live like the inlaws and get him to psych/councilling, he must have a few issues being raised like that --This he's agreed to, but hasn't had the ability to go yet. He's a programer so he's working pretty crazy hours at his new job, after he's been there 90 days and has learned the system he's working on that should settle down, also waiting for health benefits to kick in to cover it. He's got SOOOO many issues from this. None of them were obvious to me until after we were living together, but they're little and one by one going away, it's not worth throwing a daily fit over, but sometimes I want to pull out my hair! We're thinking marriage counseling may be good as a preventative measure because we are obviously having trouble learning to live together in cramped quarters.

I don't want to take the china behind his back, it seems like a betrayal of his trust. I just talked to him and he agreed we'd get rid of five place settings and keep four. He likes the china, but understands that service for 9 is ridiculous, but he does want to keep enough to use. I feel good about this because then half the china is gone, and we've reached an agreement we're both happy with. (Why yes, this was my idea! cheers)

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Original poster

braidedsilver · 26/04/2011 23:05

FWIW DH's best friend saw the inside of the house several years ago, the way he described it was horrifying. He's pretty level headed, and DH confirmed his description as accurate. They also have 3 large sheds in their back yard filled with stuff as well as a large storage space that FIL said he couldn't even get into last time her was there because MIL had added so much to it since his last visit a few months prior.

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Nanny0gg · 26/04/2011 23:10

There is an American TV show about compulsive hoarding being shown on Sky TV over here in the UK. (and it's compulsive viewing I have to say)
There are companies and psychiatrists that deal with this kind of issue. But one thing I noted was that sometimes there is an agency, Adult Protective Services, that get involved when people live in totally unsuitable places and can't do anything about it. Also, there are local ordinaces (as well as fire ones) that are probably being contravened.
Can you get in touch with local government officials?

anonymosity · 26/04/2011 23:13

Your son does not need to stay with his GPs. You do not need to get her to a psychiatrist. Clearly everyone has been dealing with this in their own way up til now. Denial. It works for some. They love her and want to keep her happy. Don't upset the apple cart. I agree its extreme and potentially dangerous, but you need to leave it I think.

Original poster

braidedsilver · 26/04/2011 23:48

Anonymosity, I think you're right, the other solutions are worse, and as I think has been said, it's really not my place. I regret the lack of involvement they'll have in DS' life as well as any other children we may have, but I should probably stop worrying about it since it's not my problem, and not something I can do something about. I'm still going to be afraid for them though.

Nanny0gg, I watch those shows, they're addicting! There are some things in that house, things that DH was given by his grandfather whom he dearly loved, that he would be devastated by the loss of if an agency came in and forced the cleaning of the house, I don't have it in me to do that to him. I want those things to come into our home, but FIL has to first be able to get into DH's room and get them. That hall is no longer even accessible according to FIL.

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mamadoc · 27/04/2011 00:14

Even if she did see a psych there is not likely to be any easy or quick solution to this problem. The psych cannot make her clear out her place and if the problem is as bad and as chronic as you say it won't be helped by some tablets or 6 sessions of CBT. Usually the hoarding represents security for these people and if the house is cleared forcibly she will have a complete breakdown.
I have had patients like this and it took years of support and therapy to get them to clear even a tiny bit of it. In one case environmental health forcibly cleared her home as it was a health hazard and neighbours complained about vermin and the smell (she wasn't even throwing away food packaging) and she made a very serious suicide attempt.
There is no easy solution and denial might represent quite a sensible coping strategy at this point.

VajazzHands · 27/04/2011 02:58

If your FIL is ill and old and the pace is full of mold I think you should get in contact with a fire marshall. They will give you time to clear the place and you and DH can visit and help clear the house and go through what is actually imortant.

How upset would you and DH be if there was an actual fire and PIL could not get of the house? Knowing you did nothing would be horrible. I don't think you should tell DH that you called if you decide to do it.

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