To Want MIL to see a psych?

[braidedsilver]

My MIL is a hoarder, I've never seen inside the house, but from what I understand of it she's a level 4/5. I think she needs to see a therapist about her condition and get professional involvement instead of making FIL clean up her mess. She's still bringing stuff home, and it's expected that every time they visit they'll stay with us (in a two bedroom flat!) because they can't have us up, DS Up, or afford a motel. DH insists that she'd disown him if he tried to make her see some one. DH is aware that his mom is an incredibly invasive and controlling person and still thinks it's a good idea for his parents to come stay for a week after we buy a house. Last time they stayed she brought a ton of useless junk we dd not need. AIBU to say that she needs to seek professional help for her issues before she can come stay in my house?

I'm not looking for easy or quick, but I am looking for a solution. She needs to stop compulsively buying and refusing to get rid for things. FIL finally got her to agree to get rid of financial paperwork over 7 years old. Which is probably like half their house, but that 25 years of national geographic (magazine) isn't helping things. There's just so much to worry about with what's going on there, but I'm completely unable to do anything about it. I hate being powerless to help the people I care about.

I didn't mean to be quite so blunt in my earlier post, though I think the point about how hard it is to make a third party medical referral is also true in US.

If the psych route is set aside for the time being, you're left with the question of how to live with the current circumstances as best you can and hiw to move it towards something more normal. Because living with a house so full of stuff you can't use the space at all is not normal.

When did you last see their house? Could DH go over and tell you about how it is now (if you can't face it)?

Is the way forward via FIL? He seems ready to see that some things can be got rid of (like the financier paperwork). Can DH get some more (non-threatening) things onto his "to throw" list? Perhaps demanding a clear passage to his room (which would give him the physical chance to start rescuing the truly valued things)?

And does he talk to his parents about this? If not, could you help him find a way to start such conversations? Also, if he's really engaged in the solution, perhaps it will help guard against anything in him that might lead to excessive hoarding the the future (I'm probably reading too many alarm bells into his unwillingness to pass on unwanted stuff, though).

I hope you can keep them in your DCs life. Perhaps you could maximise the chances to see them in the summer - ie in the open air?

Last time I saw the inside of the house (which was on webcam) was 3 years ago. DH hasn't been there in over a year, which had been about a year since he'd moved out, he said that it was worse than when he'd left. It's not that I couldn't brace myself and just go there, it's that I'm not allowed inside the house. FIL's "throw out list" is the entire pile of junk, but he could throw it all out and MIL would go get it out of the trash, that's why he has to run everything he's tossing by her, even if it's his (though to his credit he does sneak things out when she's not looking).

MIL does not acknowledge the situation in any sense of how bad it actually is. FIL tells you exactly how it is, but he's trying to have a fist fight with a brick wall to get it clean.

DH doesn't really talk to his mom about it, but he and his dad discuss it from tie to time. But, with everything that's going on he can't exactly pop up there for a couple weeks and help out, he's just started a new job, they're mid project, and he doesn't have any vacation time accumulated. He also thinks that his dad is as good as his word and it'll be cleaned out in a year. I think that he's seriously over estimating his father's ability to combat his mother on this.

I've suggested that they just get the back patio nice so that in the summer we can go over and DS can play in the pool, but MIL says no. Oh well, I tried.

With the china I didn't want it, but DH did want it(why does he have such bad taste in china?), which is why we got rid of over half of it. Service for 4 is reasonable and I hate it a lot less when it's not taking up and entire closet. I went through that china and realized it wasn't service for 9 it was service for 15. Seriously, who gives a family of 2 (DS hadn't been conceived when we got this china) a set of china that is service for 15? Especially when you know they already have china? Most of the other stuff she brought down that trip is gone, he doesn't know most of what she brought so I've been allowed to get rid of it as I want. Some things I used for a while, but now that we don't use them I've tossed them or sent them to the good will.

I talked to FIL at length last night. His plan was to stay home for 6 months to a year and make real headway on the house and then either retire-he was on unemployment-or go back to work. He's getting ready to go back to work now, which tells me he's given up on getting the house clean. That's not a good sign. I still really and truly believe that MIL needs some serious help, I just don't know that I've hit the point yet when I'm willing to cause them severe distress in order for her to get it. Which is where telling her she can't come down until she gets help for her condition came into play.