Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to be feeling slightly queasy

28 replies

Supanoodle · 25/04/2011 21:42

My mum rang over the weekend and told me that she's getting married... to my FIL!

Here's a bit of background: dh and I have been married for just over a year and we are expecting our first baby. My mum has always been a single parent and dh's mum died when he was a child, so both were single. Obviously they met through us and about 5 months ago told us that they were an item. This was incredibly shocking, and I can't exactly explain, but felt like a real intrusion. I finally almost have the family I always dreamt of and now it feels like they're interfering and messing things up. We only just got married ourselves. Can you imagine watching your mum being all lovey dovey with your FIL? It's SO weird and wrong. Now I'm going to have to go to their wedding too. What if they split up? Oh heck, that would be even worse, as we will always have ties to both, as will our grandchildren. A friend pointed out this morning that my I will become my dh's step sister .

Everything is mixed up now. My FIL rings up and starts talking to me about things I have had conversations with my mum about. Even if I ask her not to tell him things I still find them being repeated back to me. My mum is forever telling me things about my SIL, so DH is hearing news about his sis that way.

I like DH's family home and have enjoyed visiting there and getting to know FIL over the last few years, but now my mum is going to be moving in there. DH is finding that really odd. His MIL will be living in the house he grew up in.

It's just too much. I don't know how we will ever get used to it.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 25/04/2011 21:47

They are adults and you should be happy for them not worrying about all the little bits.

Show you care by supporting them and don't be so selfish.

RevoltingPeasant · 25/04/2011 21:48

Supa I feel for you, but honestly, YABU. I know about fucked-up family situations (really) but at the end of the day, your DPs/ PILs are not going to live forever. They have a right to find love where they can.

Honestly, if your dad were still around, he'd also be ringing you up talking about stuff you told your mum. Or, if your mum married someone else entirely, your stepdad would be. The fact that it's FIL might be rather weird but is not essentially different.

Try flipping it: imagine you hadn't met DH. Your mum met this bloke and married him. Bloke's son turns out to be someone you get on really well with, fancy, in short.... DH.

In that case, what would you say if your mum rang up raging that you were spoiling her marriage? I think you'd say she was being dog in the manger and should get stuffed. Well, sorry, but she has the right to say the same to you.

NoWayNoHow · 25/04/2011 21:50

I think it sounds lovely and romantic and wonderful - genuinely can't see what your problem is? Two people who were lonelyt have found happiness. Can't you be happy for them? Why are you making it all about you?

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 25/04/2011 21:50

You sound rather self-absorbed actually. You don't want your respective parents to be happy because it makes you feel icky.

Maybe it does, but seriously, grow up!

shakey1500 · 25/04/2011 21:50

Well I can see how it might feel weird at first but surely the main thing is that they've found love again and how nice is that? You will both want them to be happy and I'm sure when you get used to it, it'll seem second nature.

Congratulations to you all.

TragicallyHip · 25/04/2011 21:51

Yes it's odd for you but you need to support them! They have obviously been single for a while now and have found each other.

You will get used to it, might just take a while

Bringonthegoat · 25/04/2011 21:52

YABU and me, me, me - it's not about you - be happy for them.

fartingfran · 25/04/2011 21:53

I can see that this must feel very difficult for you - especially if you have been close to your mum. To me my mum's someone who I could turn to if for any reason I couldn't turn to DP. If your mum fulfils that role for you then this undermines that and I can see that it must feel deeply unsettling, as if she will now have divided loyalties.

But as the others have said, you must try to be happy for them - they haven't planned this, and they too deserve happiness. It will get easier I am sure, but until then I think you need to put a brave face on it and find a non-judgemental RL friend in whom you can confide.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 25/04/2011 21:53

DH's best friend and his wife have parents who got together like this. the parents became an item after friends got together but before they were married. They're all as happy as Larry. It's really not a big deal unless you choose to make it one.

MsToni · 25/04/2011 21:54

YANBU - You have a right to feel uncomfortable but its not the end of the world.

It seems lovely and romantic (for them)

You'll get used to it in time (I hope).

lobsters · 25/04/2011 21:56

I don't think it's that unusual, our old neighbours met through their children who were married. Christmas became awkard not because our neighbours split up, but because the children did fairly acrimoniously

AgentZigzag · 25/04/2011 22:01

Even though posters are saying you're being selfish and self absorbed not to be happy, you can't always help how you feel even if you know it's not the rational thing to think.

It was the 'I will become my dh's step sister' that explains it all to me, a weird mixing up of what are usually clearly defined family roles.

I think it would probably be best if you tried to keep a tight hold on how you felt privately and didn't let them see it.

The alternative would be to say you don't feel comfortable with the situation which probably won't go down very well with them and won't change a thing.

I know you want them to understand the struggle that's going on in your head, but they must have guessed you'd feel like that and to confirm it would not bring happiness to anyone.

NorthernGobshite · 25/04/2011 22:04

I can understand it feeling a bit weird, not helped by people telling you you'll be dh's stepsister! What a twatty thing to say!

However, over time it will (hopefully) feel less weird. Families come in all kinds of flavours of odd these days. Just embrace their happiness.

Jaspants · 25/04/2011 22:05

Agree with AgentZigzag

Badgerwife · 25/04/2011 22:09

Mmmm; I can understand it feeling a bit weird too, I guess if it was me I would be a bit freaked out for a while, but to be honest, it's none of your business who they date and your reaction "so weird and wrong" etc is a bit teenage.

masterblaster · 25/04/2011 22:10

Look at it as a blessing.

You don't have to decide whose family to spend Christmas with.

ohmyfucksy · 25/04/2011 22:11

I think you need to grow up a bit - how old are you?

Italiangreyhound · 25/04/2011 22:16

Supanoodle sorry to hear this is all so weird for you. I can totally understand why.

I think as your mum and FIL have made this decision you will have to accept it - tough I know, but I think you can request some things to make it better!

Maybe, you and DH can have a chat about how you both feel about it and get some sort of feelings yourself about the best case scenario for you for things to continue in a way that is less weird for you!

Don't worry (if you can) about being related in some way, you are not related (if you see what I mean) did not grow up together so it is not like a weird situation.

If that makes sense!

If it is appropriate for your family maybe you could share with your mum and DH could share with his dad how this new close family situation is a bit odd for you and hard to accept. Maybe if you can suggest some sort of 'ground rules' (sorry that is a terrible phrase but what I mean is a way that your mum and your FIL can conduct their new relationship in a way that is all round best for all of you)! Exactly, what that means for you and DH is up to you but the things you have mentioned are (as you said in your post) them being all lovely dovey together (surely they could keep that for times when they are alone). It would not be unreasonable for you to ask that of anyone else that was marrying into the family (if it made people feel uncomfortable).

Obviously, if they split up or whatever you will have to deal with that when/if it happens but for the moment I would just concentrate on you and DH being on the same page about how to cope with the way things are.

Maybe if they had met in a different way (perhaps IF they had met first and you had met each other through them) or perhaps if they had got together further down the line you may feel happy and feel differently.

Certainly, for what it is worth as a total stranger (me!), I think it is a bit weird for your DH to get info through your mum about his sister! Etc. So perhaps everyone can try and stick to a rule not to pass on anything inappropriate or whatever, so if your mum does tell your FIL something or vice versa it stops there! I think if you explain to them in a nice way that this makes it feel less comfortable, they would be very sensible to stop doing it, and not putting you in the position of passing on/or not passing on, info to DH.

Anyway, enough of a ramble from me, hope it works out. One day you may feel it is for the best, but maybe not for a while.

atswimtwolengths · 25/04/2011 22:16

I actually think it's lovely. Both of them has someone who cares for them. You will have less responsibility for them. You won't argue about who to visit when.

Just why is your nose out of joint over this?

atswimtwolengths · 25/04/2011 22:23

Would you have been happier if your mum had met someone different, with a family of her own? She wouldn't have been as free to spend time with you; she might have had to spend Christmases etc with her new family. Would you prefer that?

RevoltingPeasant · 25/04/2011 22:30

Italian totally get why you said that, but think it's really unfair of the OP to be suggesting to her mum (her own mum!!) how she ought to 'conduct her relationship'.

I think that would be hugely patronising.

OP, sorry, you can think whatever you like privately (and rant here on MN, of course!) but it's not your right to make your mum feel bad about this. You have your marriage and happy family, let her have hers, and FGS don't try and tell her how to go about it.

AgentZigzag · 25/04/2011 22:36

Yes revolting, the OPs mum would have no jurisdiction over who she decided to marry, so I think the same has to be true for the OP.

However hard it is for you to get your head round OP.

Italiangreyhound · 25/04/2011 22:40

RevoltingPeasant what I meant was that if there are things OP's mum can do to make it less uncomfortable for OP (especially in the early days) then I think OP's mum would probably be happy to do it. I am not suggesting how they conduct their relationship between each other (the mum and FIL) but rather that when the whole family is together some things might make it more comfortable for everyone.

If Op's mum had met another man another way OP might still feel odd seeing her mum lovely dovey wth another man (I mean other than her father - or not, what do I know but it is possible) so if OP's mum had met another man and did feel uncomfortable then it would not be unreasonable for the mum to lay off the lovely dovey in front of OP. Does that make sense?

Of course everyone can do as they please but my guess is that OP's mum and FIL will want people to feel comfortable around them and I guess in time it will become normal and everyone happy etc but in the early days the whole passing on info, who knows what is a problem (according to OP).

Anyway, I would only think it is odd to suggest things if the other person does not want to know! My guess is OP's mum will want it all to work out smoothly and with a bit of understanding on all parts (OP as well) I am sure it will.

All the best, Supanoodle

Original poster

Supanoodle · 25/04/2011 22:55

Reading this has clarified things for me. I'm a selfish twat who should not be feeling upset and confused, but should be delighted and happy. Unfortunately changing the way you feel isn't like flicking a switch.

I am already resigning myself to a far less close relationship with my mum, as I just can't talk to her about anything personal any more because it'll go straight to FIL and I don't want that.

I've asked for the thread to be deleted, it was way too personal to put on MN, and after seeing your reactions I don't think I'll talk to anyone in RL about my feelings except DH, as whatver anyone says, I guess in their heads they'll be judging me as a self-centred bitch just like nearly everyone here.

Thank you to those who tried to understand instead of just insulting me.

OP posts:

duchesse · 25/04/2011 22:58

My SIL is married to her former BIL. Try that for weird. Her children's former uncle is now their stepfather. Both their partners (who are brother and sister) left them at the same time 20 yo female students. Life is strange and wonderful.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread