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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have let my neighbour help me with my gardening?

34 replies

KidderminsterKate · 25/04/2011 20:58

I live in a semi and have new neighbours who moved in about 2 months or so ago. Not seen that much of them but have had v brief exchanges etc...they're a couple with a son who's about the same age as my youngest.

Anyhow, I have quite a large garden and its a bit of a nightmare that I struggle to keep on top of. The back of the garden is ridiculously overgrown so this weekend I decided to get on top of it. Anyhow, yesterday I cut down all the brambles etc and cleared the area. Today, I again piled the kids into the garden and carried on with clearing the area. About an hr after my neighbour came out to mow his lawn. Their garden is fab....very sleek and neat. ANyhow, his son was watching my kids over the fence on the trampoline so I asked if he wanted to come over which he did and actually the boys got on really well...I'm pleased because DS has 3 sisters.

So my neighbour poked his head over the fence after he'd mowed the lan and saw me trying to dig up all the bush stumps and offered to come over and help....I said that's be great if he was sure he didnt mind and anyway he came and helped me clear the area.

aNYHOW, his wife or gf (not sure) poked her head over the fence and said 'oh there you are'. He showed her the work he'd helped me do and I said again how greatful I was. ANyhow, I offered her a drink....as we were all having one and she declined as she had just got back from work and was going to cook her supper. ANyhow, it all seemed ok and about 10 mins after the neighbour and son went home. I invited the son to come and play again when he could as the boys really seemed to hit it off and he seemed delighted by this.

So, I've fed and bathed the kids now and was just out in the back putting away the tools and sorting my recycling out when I heard my neighbours having a bit of a heared exchange about me. I feel shite. She was cross with him and he was kind of saying he felt sorry for me and stayed longer than he had wanted. She was saying I had taken advantage of his good nature and she was also commenting negatively on my living situation.

I feel like I've horribly misjudged the situation and wonder whetehr he did feel obliged to stay when I accepted his help. I did say at one point he must have more interesting things to do but he said he would only be mooching at home with his DS anyhow.

I was going to give them some eggs as a thankyou tomorrow but now I'm not sure

OP posts:

Zooo · 25/04/2011 21:05

I would probably still get something as a thank you - it seems the right thing to do. You haven't done anything wrong but I can understand why you feel crappy.

Eggphemia · 25/04/2011 21:08

You carry on being your own lovely self, and sod the miserable moo.

He's a grown man, he can decide how to behave.

Just wait til she needs a favour, like the bins put out when they're on holiday, or the cat looked after. You can say "Oh no, that would be taking advantage of my good nature." [buwink]

Grumpla · 25/04/2011 21:08

I bet she would be absolutely mortified if she realised you had overheard her. If she'd been making snidey comments to / in front of you that would be one thing but given the circumstances is it possible she was just a bit grumpy & hungry after spending the day at work whilst everyone else soaked up the sunshine?

It would be a shame to write off a potentially friendly relationship with your neighbours, especially if your sons get on, based on one accidentally overheard moment of weakness from her.

Go with your instinct but make sure you go round with the eggs when she is there too, make it less of a 'thankyou' more of a general neighbourly gesture. If you can drop in some hints about how TOTALLY self reliant you are (so she doesn't fret that you will be weeping over the fence every time you need a lightbulb changing) that should put her mind at ease.

Alternatively, you could never speak to either of them ever again and at least you would be able to throw snails / cat poo over the fence into their garden without feeling guilty about it.

CrispyTheCrisp · 25/04/2011 21:10

I think he was more than happy to carry on helping you but said you in essence detained him as an excuse to his wife. Or he could be like my DH who is always helping other folk out but i have to ask repeatedly for him just to take our rubbish out. Maybe he is one like this and hence his wife a bit peeved?

I don't think you did anything wrong and a short note saying thanks for helping me break the back of the worst of the garden should suffice. This hints that you need no further help too. Oh, and the eggs would be a nice touch

mossi · 25/04/2011 21:16

I like to think I'm quite reasonable but I recently got the hump when I went and dug our car out of the snow with a stinking cold whilst dh was home working.

Later on in day, I'd gone to do the supermarket shop on foot to come home and find him digging "helpless" single woman neighbour's car out of snow. It annoyed me somewhat.

Largely because she was well able to do it herself and we had a massive list of jobs that would have come before that.

I think he has thought he'd be neighbourly and nice for entirely the same reasons you do, it's nice for his dc to have a friend and nice to get to know neighbour.

But for his dp it was probably very irritating as she's probably still got that list of jobs to do because he didn't do them.

I'd go round with eggs and make a real effort with dp. Then keep a low profile.

CrispyTheCrisp · 25/04/2011 21:21

Mossi - are we married to the same man?

ILoveYouToo · 25/04/2011 21:27

Oh poor you - that's mortifying!

I agree with the above - it's probably that she's a bit grumpy after a day at work, finding him helping you when there's a list of things she thinks he should have done first. And I also think that he said he was 'detained' to try to placate her, whereas in fact he was perfectly happy giving you a hand.

I think yes to taking round a gift to say thanks, and just establishing that neighbourly vibe where you help each other out. Hard though - I'd want to slap her if I'd overheard that!

Are you a bit sexy and gorgeous? That could explain her annoyance at his enthusiasm for helping you....

PfftTheMagicDragon · 25/04/2011 21:28

I would imagine that there are more issues between them that you know. Maybe there is something else going on that has led to the argument, anything could be going on.

The things that she said were hurtful, but I would think that they are more about her and their marriage than they are about you.

mossi · 25/04/2011 21:32

Quite possibly Crispy. I know i'd be livid if he went round to do the neighbour's garden when ours is a complete jungle.

But I don't think op this is in any way your fault here - just a bit of a misjudgment on his part which I'm quite sure his dp will be fully aware of.

HansieMom · 25/04/2011 21:38

Could you just pretend you never heard the argument? That way the kids can be friends and you can be friendly with both your neighbors.

lynehamrose · 25/04/2011 21:48

I can understand you feeling embarrassed but it doesn't sound like you misjudged it if he offered help. I agree you should act as if you didn't hear anything and take a small gift round but do it when shes home from work. I don't think its a sign theres anything major wrong,it's probably just she was worn out after a day at work, and came home to find him doing a job for you - maybe he would normally prepare her meal when he's home? Also she may be worried This is the tip of the iceberg and it's the start of an endless list of jobs.

Original poster

KidderminsterKate · 26/04/2011 11:49

Thanks for the responses. I'll admit, I went to bed and cried about this...daft really, but had such a lovely productive day and then came crashing down. They obv know about my situation as were discussing my ex etc, which means somebody has told them the 'story'. Truth is the ex has left me and I'm not sure where he is and kids havent seen him either - they were talking about this and that I have 4 kids and dont work etc (well i do work, but am home based so can see why they think I dont go out to work).

I am quite self sufficient - even before ex left, and could have done my gardening alone. i wouldnt have dreamed of asking him! I will absolutely pretend I havent heard the conversation - sure they would both be mortified and then avoid me even more.

Will take eggs round later and try to time it when she's in and he isnt! And, no I'm not at all sexy , certainly not in gardening clothes and sweating buckets....his partner is waaaaaay sexier. She's the sort that always looks immaculately groomed - actually they all are really!

arrrrrrrrr, I'm actually really embarrassed about this

OP posts:

RtHonLadyEuphemiaOfCaledonia · 26/04/2011 11:54

Do come back and let us know what reaction you get to the eggs.

pineapple70 · 26/04/2011 11:56

You sound v level headed and considerate. Horrible that you heard that conversation.
Good luck with taking round the eggs. Quite brave but absolutely the right thing to do.
Let us know what happens!!!!

nokissymum · 26/04/2011 12:00

Kidderminster, let me ask you one question.....are you better looking than her ??????

thats the problem.

MorticiaAddams · 26/04/2011 12:01

My friend is a single parent with four children and a huge garden and she decided to create a huge patio area which has really cut down her work. She still has plenty of grass, trees, plants and room for a trampoline and chickens though.

cottonreels · 26/04/2011 12:02

Poor you!
I reckon shes the jealous type- she didnt like him giving attention to you or your home. Shes probably got a million things she could do with his help with in her own home and was annoyed that he preffered to give it to you.
I think he felt good about helping you out, enjoyed the physical aspect of gardening on a lovely day and thought it would be nice to know his neighbours.
Youve done nothing at all wrong. Give them the eggs and offer a favour in return (taking out their bin or some such) or say you can take parcels for them as you work from home (think Id try to get that in as it would make you feel better).
Enjoy your garden, your neighbours will probably become friends in time.

squeakytoy · 26/04/2011 12:03

Like someone else has said, she would probably be horrified if she knew you had overheard her. My husband is great at offering his services to his mates, yet if I ask him to do the same thing for me, it takes him months to get around to doing it.

Chil1234 · 26/04/2011 12:14

Maybe your neighbour's always been the insecure, possessive or controlling type? Maybe her husband is a serial philanderer who has a history of helping damsels in distress ? Whatever the truth, don't feel bad because your behaviour was 100% normal. But keep your ears open. They sound like they'll be good source of gossip for years to come.

kw1986 · 26/04/2011 12:15

Maybe to clear up the issue of them thinking you don't work, after you've given her the eggs and are leaving perhaps just drop in a "Oh I better go get some work done before the kids are home" or something.

Original poster

KidderminsterKate · 26/04/2011 20:11

thanks for all the kind replies...made me feel alot better. I took the eggs over a couple of hours ago. She answered the door so I handed them over and sort of mumbled that I thought they might like some eggs - she looked a bit perplexed, so I added that I'd appreciated the help and the 'worst bit' was done so I could keep on top of it now. She was quite friendly then and we chatted for a bit - so I re-iterated that her son was welcome to play with mine whenever and perhaps she might like to come for a coffee. She said that's be nice......

Dammit, I should have got in that I wfh.....but I'll make sure to drop it into conversation at some point if I ever get the opportunity!

I will see if she takes me up on the offer!

OP posts:

TheSkiingGardener · 26/04/2011 20:56

Sounds good. I really wouldn't worry about the row you overheard. Sounds like they had a minor domestic for the million reasons that minor domestics happen and she used you as a way of venting her general fed-up-ness with something else.

DontGoCurly · 26/04/2011 21:09

Well handled. You were the bigger person, very nicely handled.

(I bet she'll be humbled and embarassed now)

I hope she does come for coffee and you can let her see you work too as well as raising four kids! [cwink]

Grumpla · 27/04/2011 00:10

Aw, you sound lovely. I bet she is reconsidering her silly judgeypant attitude to you already and feeling VERY guilty about saying those things to her DH.

BluePyjamas · 27/04/2011 00:21

It is none of their business whether you work or not, don't fall over yourself trying to please them. You thanked him, end of story.

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