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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking in laws don't really think much about my kids?

29 replies

goingmadinthecountry · 25/04/2011 19:52

After I upset sil at Christmas - very minor imo and she is nearly 50 - ils have decided not to speak to me. They live in the local village (1.5m at most) but have not made any effort to see our 4 children since, even on youngest dd's 7th birthday. MIL texted dh yesterday - hello we have chocolate for the children if they want to come and get it love mum - dh hasn't replied yet as we were out all day. Whatever they think of me (never liked me anyway) is this not a bit pathetic? Older kids aren't bothered tbh (17, 15, 14) but think they are being very daft. They do have a history of falling out with family members. Can't really see how it will improve from here.

OP posts:
parakeet · 25/04/2011 19:55

YANBU but please do tell us how you upset SIL

millie30 · 25/04/2011 19:57

What parakeet said!

Original poster
goingmadinthecountry · 25/04/2011 20:06

Was very silly - at dinner at our house we were talking about primary school for her grandson - said why I didn't like the local primary. She knows very well I took my children out of there despite working there for many reasons - I am a teacher so my reasons are valid - and she took it as a personal attack on her choice. I'm afraid I get a bit over excited about education because I think it's so important. No row, no shouting. Apparently I took over the conversation. Gps stayed and had more drinks, thanks for meal etc. Then haven't spoken since. Have only heard 3rd hand that they aren't talking to me after they didn't turn up to see dd3 on her birthday. A trifle of an over-reation surely.

OP posts:
Original poster
goingmadinthecountry · 25/04/2011 20:08

Isn't her grandson's local primary btw - they live about 6 miles away but they want him to go there as it's a "nice village school". Doubt he's got in as all village school round here are over-subscribed but they haven't told us...

OP posts:
millie30 · 25/04/2011 20:14

They sound extremely petty to be ignoring your DCs and it doesn't even sound like you did anything wrong to your SIL tbh. What does your DH say about it?

Journey · 25/04/2011 20:23

It sounds like you might have been over the top about the education conversation, especially since you say so yourself that you get "a bit over excited about education". If you were like that to me I would have got a bit irritated by it. Yes, you might be a teacher but it doesn't mean your view is right about the school. You don't need to be a teacher to appreciate education. Parents look for different things in schools. A lot of parents are very well educated and at a much higher educational standard than teachers.

Perhaps take a step back and look at the conversation from the other person's perception. Your comment that you sil is "nearly 50" is very patronising by the way. Are older people not allowed to disagree?

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/04/2011 20:26

I didn't see the "nearly 50" as patronising, more as "old enough not to need her parents fighting her battles". Whereas if OP was significantly older than SIL, e.g. "nearly 20", PIL's reaction might have been more understandable.

parakeet · 25/04/2011 20:27

I think you were unwise to slag off the school you know she has chosen. And I would steer clear of discussions on education generally if you always share your view that "I am a teacher therefore I MUST BE RIGHT".

However, they are still all massively overreacting and being hugely unfair to their grandchildren.

Original poster
goingmadinthecountry · 25/04/2011 20:29

I'm nearly 50 too Journey, with quite a lot of PG qualifications, not just in teaching. The educational level of the teachers was one of my main problems with the school.

OP posts:
Original poster
goingmadinthecountry · 25/04/2011 20:35

And I don't think I'm always right about education - maybe shouldn't have mentioned it. My main reason for moving my children was that they were very unhappy - dd2 was screaming every morning and ds tried to run away as he was unhappy, put down a year as he was dyslexic and bullied. I was told to mourn the fact that ds would never achieve, dd1 would never make friends and dd2 was the most difficult child the new Y5/6 teacher had ever taught. They are all now achieving very well in grammar school having moved to a happier primary. Many other people have moved their children for similar reasons. Maybe I'm still bitter because it still upsets me that they made my children sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
goingmadinthecountry · 25/04/2011 20:36

Anyway, it's not about me. I don't care if they ignore me - just think they could have made a bit of an effort with their grandchildren.

OP posts:
parakeet · 25/04/2011 20:52

Well it does sound an awful school, for sure, but you said SIL already knows all this backstory. So it's a bit tactless to go on about it if you know they have chosen this school.

But yes, it would make me bitter about the school too. Bastards!

Original poster
goingmadinthecountry · 25/04/2011 20:54

It was before they put in applications - hadn't yet made their minds up which is why I said anything at all. I never mention the school to my many friends who have children there as it would be unnecessary and unprofessional.

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Original poster
goingmadinthecountry · 25/04/2011 21:07

After 8 years of MN under various names, enough. I only wanted a bit of support - dh works abroad - not people with their shit silly fake threads. Off to bed in tears feeling shit again.

Bye all.

Hope none of these people ever feel the need for a bit of support.

OP posts:
Original poster
goingmadinthecountry · 25/04/2011 21:16

Ignore that - overly sensitive and talking poo. Will go get a large glass of wine as I'm not working tomorrow. See how paranoid I've become?

OP posts:
SNOWBall4girlz · 25/04/2011 21:16

I do not think YABU the PIL its their loss. Think adults should not let differences come between the GC and they should not have missed a seven year olds birthday .

I think they should have brought the chocolate to the kids and used Easter to break the ice.

sleepingsowell · 25/04/2011 21:19

goingmad, hope you check back, as I was just going to post that I think your ILs sound very stupid to punish their grandchildren through you, for this supposed 'upset' you have caused your SIL.

FWIW I have a SIL like that, it's basically that you dared to have an opinion; some people just can't be challenged at all, and you having an opinion is just too testing for them so they get 'offended' by it.

Don't ever feel bad - if your SIL was offended by a qualified teacher having an opinion about a school her kids WENT to then she can be offended by anything and you just couldn't ever have won!!

Please don't feel bad about MN. There is support out there xx

AgentZigzag · 25/04/2011 21:29

YANBU for two reasons.

The argument you had with your SIL had nothing at all to do with your PIL.

It's disgraceful of them to take out something on their own GC which didn't involve them (your DC).

I would find that petty and manipulative.

Out of all the ways they could have chosen to deal with the situation they've decided to punish you and your children by withdrawing, which of course they're within their rights to do, but don't let them palm off any responsibility for their choice onto you or your family.

Original poster
goingmadinthecountry · 25/04/2011 22:01

Thanks Agent and Sleeping - and apologies again Agent Blush

If ILs hadn't taken sides I'm sure it would all have blown over ages ago as these things tend to.

I'd kind of put it to the back of my mind but I think this chocolate thing brought it all back again. MIL's 70th birthday soon so maybe that will break the ice.

OP posts:
kitkat1000 · 25/04/2011 22:11

grandparents sound a nightmare - whole thing has nothing to do with them! I wouldn't go get the eggs - they should make first move. As for sil ignoring you - seems a bit immature to be giving you the cold shoulder - can't she speak?!!

kaid100 · 25/04/2011 22:13

The sure-fire way to cause family strife is to say something that gets interpreted as "You are a bad parent." I've seen it happen a few times myself and I think that is basically what is going on here, with the fact the conversation touched on your specialist subject (Teaching) not helping matters. You might have to now say something along the lines of "Everyone is entitled to their own views, different people look for different things in schools, and I'm sure your (SIL) instincts can be trusted."

willybreeder · 25/04/2011 22:15

I used to have a MIL like that, she missed the 2nd year of her only grandsons life due to a family disagreement. Sad for him and her. My sympathies x

AgentZigzag · 25/04/2011 22:18

Do they get anything out of either not having contact with you, or keeping the argument going?

Or is it all about the drama/woe is me/sympathy they get from other people when they dredge it up again and again?

I'm reading between the lines, but is it possible they spin it as you stopping them from seeing their GC?

Original poster
goingmadinthecountry · 25/04/2011 22:39

I really don't think they are that bothered - sil's children have always been the main focus. Eg fil to dneph and dd1 - what do you want to do when you leave school? Nephew - professional footballer - "Good for you". Dd1 - lawyer - "well, it's very hard, particularly for girls. What if your husband doesn't want you to?" His great grandson is now the main focus.

Looks are very important to them - not that my children aren't gorgeous but they do lots of other things too. Sil said during her daughter's GCSEs without a touch of irony, "Never mind, you can't be clever and pretty"

Oh, she also said when dh said I was pregnant with youngest, "Oh God, if it was me I'd get rid of it." Her disgusted face said it all.

Maybe I should have fallen out with her then!

Sorry to rant, sometimes it all comes out. Not really fair to moan to dh too much about it.

OP posts:
sleepingsowell · 25/04/2011 22:54

goingmad, I do sympathise. It's very easy to say don't worry about it, or it's their loss, both of which are true, but when it's your child's family you just want it to be BETTER for their sake.
Have just been having a real downer day about my ILs. Sometimes it just gets to you that they are crap and not prioritising your children. So totally understand your need to rant.