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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to be guilt tripped?

30 replies

yummybutterbiscuit · 25/04/2011 15:23

had a falling out with my mum yesterday because I didnt go to church....

I work all weekend in a pub, so have a long lie on sundays. was going to MILs for sunday lunch at 2, so wouldnt be able to go to an evening mass, and becase I work all weekend, I didnt make it to any of the other easter masses.

so at 12pm on sunday I got a phonecall from my mum asking if I had been to church, I said no, I slept in and was now on the train on the way to MILs. All I got in response was an 'ok, bye' and then she hung up on me.

about 2 mins later I got another phonecall from her, and I answered expecting an apology for being short with me. INstead I got a shouting crying phonecall telling me that I'd 'broken her heart' and 'how can she not hate my OH because its his fault'. He's agnostic but does support me with the fact that I am religious.

I stayed silent on the phone, until she hung up on me again, I then texted my dad to say that th phonecall had been really unfair, and that they need to let my be an adult and make my own decisions about whether or not I go to church.

And the annoying thing is that I would still class myself as a practising catholic, I just dont think going to church every sunday is the be-all and end-all of faith. I can be lazy about going to church, and I know its laziness, but I always have a busy weekend and am tired by sunday. I dont think my mum gets that its not a personal slight against her if I dont go to church.

So basically, AIBU to not have got in touch with her since then? IM waiting for an apology, but so is she apparantly. but I havnt done anything I need to apologise for, have I???

OP posts:

hairylights · 25/04/2011 15:26

Yanbu. Religion is a personal matter. My exes exes mother was also catholic and like this.

Needanewname · 25/04/2011 15:28

No you haven't. This is why I hate organised religeons - all of them!

I believe you can have a faith and practise your faith without having to go to a specific place of worship. IMO that is more important than showing your face at that place each week and behaving like an idiot (just as your mum has done!)

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 25/04/2011 15:29

No. You don't have anything to apologise for.

Screaming down the phone at you is not very christian of her, is it? I - being a cow - would be saying that to her!

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 25/04/2011 15:30

Are you 12? Bloody hell, just tell her to look after her own moral compass and you will look after your own! As her if she thinks her God will be less impressed with you not going to church or less impressed with her treatment of her child? You could also tell her to grow up - shouting and crying because you didn't go to church! Get a grip. Oh a while your about it - remind her that you are an adult, that you make your own decisions, not your OH.

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 25/04/2011 15:32

You've managed to post this twice, so I'll stick this here too

No you haven't and she needs to realise that you are an adult and will make your own decisions.

Shakirasma · 25/04/2011 15:35

YANBU.

Being a Christian is about your relationship with God, the way you live your life and treat other people. IMO it's got naff all to do with going to church. Many people are regular church goers but the minute some of them set foot out the door all Christian principles fly out the window.

I am Christian but I am no fan of organized religion. It's personal and your mother is being unreasonable.

millie30 · 25/04/2011 15:38

YANBU! I'm Catholic and my parents would never question whether I've been to mass, it's none of their business. You should tell your mother to get a grip.

plupaschalrelief · 25/04/2011 15:45

Just let your conscience be "the still, small voice of calm".

The fact that you were visiting family (MIL) instead of her wouldn't have anything to do with her reaction, would it? That is: you had time to see MIL, but were dumping church (as DM's proxy).

MadamDeathstare · 25/04/2011 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

yummybutterbiscuit · 25/04/2011 16:03

thank you for agreeing with me, I have always been close to my mum, but if that means she thinks she can interfere then I will be keeping her at arms length from now on.

plupas, I thought that as well, but my mum lives a 5 hour drive and then a 5 hour ferry ride away, while my MIL lives 20 minutes away... although this is the first easter that I didnt go home for, so I suppose it could be that...

MadamDeathStare, it was hard not to rise to, but I didnt want to get myself all worked up and then have to go for a nice lunch at my MILS, it wouldnt have been fair on my MIL.

SO am I fair enough to not get in touch then, even if she doesnt get in touch for ages?

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 25/04/2011 16:04

YANBU! You are an adult and you can make your own choices. Your mother should have let you years ago-when you were about 8yrs old!

valiumbandwitch · 25/04/2011 16:11

YANBU, it's maddening. I could have written this post, except I'm the other crew! but when my mum's first line of 'suggestive' techniqes have failed to get me to go, then she tells me how I should be grateful that dc got into the associated school. She makes it seem like if I don't go to church I've walked off without paying for a meal. Left to myself I might occassionally feel like going, but when she tries to manipulate me so transparently, I decide to leave it another few weeks.
I am close to my mum as well though. She'd never give her friends stress about not going.

Casmama · 25/04/2011 16:13

I think I would make it very clear to your mum that you will no longer discuss your church attendance with her ever. It is up to you and none of her business. Tell her to assume that you go every Sunday and be happy with that and not to ask you again.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 25/04/2011 16:14

You are definitely 'fair enough' not to make the first move.

Let her stew on it a bit then when she whinges enough hopefully your Dad will tell her to call you & apologise!

exoticfruits · 25/04/2011 16:19

I would just write her a letter saying:

I am xxyrs old and a mother -old enough not to be controlled by my mother.
DH isn't responsible for my beliefs and movements.
You can't be responsible for someone else's happiness.
You are still a Catholic, but it is a private matter and not up for discussion.
You don't want to fall out about it, but you are not going to be controlled by someone else's wishes.

If all that fails remind her of some parts of the bible-lost sheep, prodigal sons and all that.

GrendelsMum · 25/04/2011 16:23

Well, she needs to sit down, read her bible, have a bit of a think about she's behaved, pray a little, and then phone you and apologise, it seems to me. Is she jealous of your relationship with your in-laws? Is she always prone to overreact, or is there something troubling her at the moment?

On the other hand, I'm not sure you were wise to text your dad as you did, although I'm sure you were upset with her attack on your husband - it's bringing him into the argument in a second hand way, and texting's never a good way to deal with a problem. Now you've passed on the trouble to him, it seems to me.

Waiting to talk to her until she phones apologises never seems to be a good thing (if this is not one of a long pattern of similar events). I think you should phone, say how much she means to you, how much your DH means to you, and give her the space to apologise if she wants to, but not insist on it right now. Better than it all blowing up into something that everyone blames each other for. (And maybe you can claim it's some sort of late Lent penance ? )

Nanny0gg · 25/04/2011 16:28

Not excusing her, but was she particularly upset because it was Easter Sunday, and therefore the most important day in the Church's calendar?

Original poster

yummybutterbiscuit · 25/04/2011 16:30

a few people have mentioned age, does it make a difference that im quite young? (nearly 21). although I have left home for four years now, almost finished a degree.

If she hasnt phoned in a couple of days I'll phone, but I want to see if she realised that she was over the line with what she said to me, especially about what she said about OH.

Btw the blame of OH is funny because when I do go to church I go to a 6pm mass, but OH works every sunday 5 till 9, so he isnt even here when I decide to go or not...

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 25/04/2011 16:32

Im Atheist, however yesterday was the most important day in the Catholic faith calender. You being catholic would know that. You are either catholic and practising or not and if you were a practising catholic you would have gone to church yesterday no matter what.

My boyfriends aunt is in hospital, he had to take a laptop in so she could watch the mass and take part, now that is being a practising catholic, not just when it suits you.

valiumbandwitch · 25/04/2011 16:34

It doesn't really, but it takes mothers a while to get their head around the fact that their adult children are separate human beings. I know my mum acts like I'm being confrontational if I disagree with her! as though I couldn't possibly just disagree with her (becuase she's wrong or unreasonable). It's because I'm making a point, or being awkward, or being stroppy. She doesn't get that she's the one who raised the issue and is busy arguing about it right back at me.

TheBolter · 25/04/2011 16:34

Yummybutter, I know EXACTLY how you feel.

I was brought up a Catholic but I renounced the faith at 16; basically I told my mum that I wasn't sure that I believed in God an being forced to go to church and confession since the age of 6 (WTF ) was making me atheist. I do actually believe that a lot of the problems I had when growing up - and now - are to do with my mother's controlling attitude towards me and the feelings of guilt I got over being a 'failed' Catholic.

I married in a CofE church, which my mum accepted happily. I think by then she was pleased I was getting a church at all! Since then I've had a brief dalliance with the Alpha course and an evangelical church, and done a lot of self-thought and healing, using prayer as a way to help me.

Nowadays I don't go to church as like so many other posters here, I believe you don't have to go to church to have a faith. I'm not even sure if I believe in the God that Christians believe in; I would actually say that I identify more with Buddhist beliefs anyway.

Anyway, I'm still EXPECTED to go to church by my mum at Easter and Christmas. One Christmas we had a massive falling out about the fact I hadn't been, (my reasons of having two v young children and total sleep deprivation weren't plausible to her). It ruined our Christmas and reinforced my distaste for organised religion. My mum was raised a Catholic and is so dogmatic; it wouldn't occur to her to explore har faith, question it. I see that as blinkered and I'm somewhat contemptuous of that, which isn't v nice I admit.

Yesterday I went to church. I had a throbbing hangover (naughty ) and it went on forever. The children were bored and tried so hard to be good, and I have to say I didn't get an awful lot out of it. When I got back dh said, "FGS, why do you go just to please your mother?" and I really don't have any other reason than to keep the peace on days that are meant to be happy family occasions.

Damn right I feel resentful of it though, and the sad thing is is that her stranglehold has made me more stubborn than ever that church is a place I do not want to go to!

Long, sorry. Hope you've made it through my ramblings...

exoticfruits · 25/04/2011 16:49

This is the very reason that I always go on threads about control-you can't (and shouldn't) control what your DC thinks. If you start from 'I think, but you can make up your own mind when you are older' you don't get into the emotional blackmail of 'breaking my heart'. (not a very Christian attitude!!)

You are young, but old enough to make a stand that your church attendance is a private matter-if you don't she will still be piling on the guilt when you are 40yrs old!!

SugarPasteFrog · 25/04/2011 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

annielouisa · 25/04/2011 17:47

I think it is up to you OP what you do and your DM should not feel she has to be your religous compass as you are an adult. I think though you sound very much like a lapsed Catholic because nothing like feeling a tired or lunch will non Catholic in laws would have kept my Catholic pals from Mass on Easter Sun.

atswimtwolengths · 25/04/2011 17:55

If you worship the kind of god who gets in a snip if you don't worship him/her at a particular date and time, then maybe you should think again about your religion.

To me (as a brought-up-but-never-fell-for-it-Catholic) I could never ever believe that being religious was about anything so petty. Far better to behave in a Christian fashion than to attend regular worships.

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