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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DM and SF to share a bath in my house?

78 replies

CharliesAngela · 25/04/2011 13:12

My mum and my step father were visiting over the weekend, but staying elsewhere. One evening there was just me at home. Mum asks if I mind if they have a bath, as the place they are staying only has showers. I say no of course, and direct step father upstairs, as mum is kindly washing up for me. I go outside to get the washing in and they've both vanished when I come back in. I take the washing upstairs to put it away to hear talking coming from the bathroom, and basically they've gone off to have a bath together.

They've been married about 6 years, so he's definitely not a father to me. I was totally freaked out and quite cross that they did this in my house with me alone there (we actually have 2 baths in separate rooms so they could have had one each!).

Go on, do your worst, AIBU to find this all really icky?

For the record, I did not say anything at all about it, I went downstairs and watched TV with the door shut.

OP posts:
unsurevalentine · 25/04/2011 16:41

I can understand why this would make you feel a bit icky.

YANBU, I think it was insentitive and inapproproate of them. I wouldn't dream of doing this at my parents house with my OH, and I doubt many people on here would which makes me wonder why you are getting a hard time?!

Onetoomanycornettos · 25/04/2011 16:50

YANBU as far as I am concerned. I just can't imagine asking to have a bath when a visitor anyway (unless I was staying there) and then inviting my DH in for a chat or something else. Clearly they did want to be alone and intimate (at least one of them was naked), this is not ok in other people's houses.

I don't think you have to be in denial about them having a sex life to find this icky, when I stay with others, I"m always very careful not to flaunt any intimacy in front of the hosts, I wouldn't go round having a noisy time, or sharing a shower, why is this different?

unsurevalentine · 25/04/2011 16:51

Is it bad to have sex if you are a guest - at night time?! Confused

SwearyMary · 25/04/2011 16:51

DH and I always share the bathroom at PILs and think nothing of it. I guess this is dependent on what you feel comfortable with. I am a very relaxed person regards sex (safe, consenting) and nudity, hence me not being unhappy with the scenario.
I do find the fact that they felt they couldn't manage with just a shower for a few days......

ENormaSnob · 25/04/2011 17:01

Yanbu IMO

Dh and I shag in share baths and showers all the time.

I wouldn't at someone elses house though.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 25/04/2011 17:06

I don't have any problem with guests sharing baths/showers (or shagging at night) - however, there are two things here - these 'guests' were not staying over but basically asked to use the bathroom in the middle of a visit (which if you ask me is odd in itself) and then the Mum knowing the daughter is uncomfortable with her relationship with a/this man flaunted it in a rather selfish way. Of course the OP needs to realise her Mum isn't her property and her Mum is 'allowed' to have a sexual relationship - it just doesn't need to be so 'in your face'.

annielouisa · 25/04/2011 17:36

It seems that the OP and her DSIS have viewed their DM as just that and not a woman in her own right. It may hurt them that DSF is able to make her happy when they feel their daughtertly love should be enough. The 2 loves are different and you should be happy for your DM.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 25/04/2011 17:39

Annie - I do agree with you, but I also think that basically asking for a room to shag in while visiting at your daughters house is a bit much!

Littlefish · 25/04/2011 17:40

DH sits on the loo and chats to me while I'm in the bath and vice versa. You don't know that this isn't what was going on.

It sounds like this is far more about your feelings about your DM re-marrying.

Chocolateballs · 25/04/2011 17:52

Thanks for more opinions. I see it is more evenly split now.

Er... Annielouisa... my mum live 200+ miles away and we see her every couple of months. I am delighted she doesn't rely on me or dsis for her happiness and would find it worrying and bizarre if she did. Your conclusion is a bit of a strange extrapolation from the fact that I find it a bit squirmy when they are physically affectionate infront of me or that I found them sharing a bath in my house icky Confused.

Chocolateballs · 25/04/2011 17:54

Also, it's interesting how many people are telling me how I should feel about this relationship. Surely feelings just are what they are and it's how we do or don't act on them that matters? I neither said nor did anything about the situation.

Chocolateballs · 25/04/2011 17:55

Ooops, sorry obviously have namechanged. Chocolateballs = CharliesAngela Grin

nooka · 25/04/2011 18:19

My parents always sit and talk with each other when they are having a bath, and they like to have a bath every night. I think that they would be a bit distressed if they stayed somewhere without a bath and can imagine them asking to use mine if they weren't staying with me (although they would be staying with me anyway). They don't get into each others baths nor do they have sex in the bathroom, but I don't think that the OP was implying either was she?

I really can't see anything icky about this, nor how going into a separate room and talking to each other can be thought of as 'flaunting it'. My aunt found new love in her 60s and it's lovely to see her and her new beau being lovey dovey. Her children are very happy for her. But her new husband is very nice - perhaps the OP's step father isn't?

ragged · 25/04/2011 18:37

My parents divorced after my dad's affair. My dad remarried (not the lady he had an affair with) at about age 55, I wouldn't have any problem with him sharing a bath with step-mum. Noisy splashy sex could be an issue, I'd probably confront him directly about that Grin. But bath together no problem.

I once gave my dad a lecture on safe sex :).

ScarletOHaHa · 25/04/2011 18:40

YANBU to think this is odd. It sounds like your mum is insensitive IMO.

I wouldn't do this and would find it strange if my parents/ siblings/ friends did this. I would probably laugh if they did.

SardineQueen · 25/04/2011 18:55

What, so your mum and her husband came to visit you - not staying with you just came to see you in the evening.

And then announced that they wanted a bath...

And then pissed of up to the bathroom and shut themselves in together leaving you watching telly by yourself?

That is just mental behaviour. Really really odd. If someone came to my house for an evening and they suddenly announced they wanted a bath I would think they were quite mad.

YANBU not one jot. (Unless I have misunderstood the situation).

therealmrsbeckham · 25/04/2011 18:58

My mum can share a bath with whom ever she chooses - just NOT in my house!

I don't think that this is anything to do with the OP's relationship with her DM/SF I think it's just about being respectful in other peoples homes.

TurtlesAreRetroRight · 25/04/2011 19:05

I think if they were slapping wetly up against the closed door and moaning frantically I'd see the problem.

I have a bath with dh when visiting family. DD piles in too sometimes. So I generally don't see that it's an issue per se.

YANBU to feel that way though. It's your honest reaction and you tempered it with appropriate behaviour ie not saying anything. It's just different perspectives.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 25/04/2011 19:09

Turtles - so you go to visit someone for the day and all have a bath, as in the OP. They aren't staying with her.

Mrswhiskerson · 25/04/2011 19:16

Do you dislike your step father ? Or resent him in some way ? They are a adult couple having a wash which doesn't seem like a big thing to me but everyone is different and as they are guests in your house you are in your rightsto ask your mum not to while she is staying with you as it makes you feel uncomfortable, handled sensitively enough there should be no problem.

TurtlesAreRetroRight · 25/04/2011 19:54

Sometimes yes Chipping though I suspect the op would have been uncomfortable whether they stayed in her house or not. Say we've been for the day and dd and I have helped plant potatoes and done some gardening and dh might have helped out in the garage. We take pyjamas with us for dd if we're staying for dinner anyway and generally bath her and then put her in the car ready for bed (so we can transfer when we get home). If we're grubby too, we have a bath. We're not up to anything. It's usually only at the ILs' house. They have a massive bath. It's practical.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 25/04/2011 20:06

MrsWhiskerson - they are not staying with them, just visiting for the day/a few hours.

Turtles - that makes sense, but if you knew your MIL was uncomfortable being faced with your sexual relationship as in the OP would you rub it in her face like this. There was nothing in the OP that would indicate a bath would be necessary, just that the accomodation they are staying in only has a shower.

I just think her Mum should be more thoughtful and understanding of her daughters feelings.

princessparty · 25/04/2011 20:11

Yes YABU! Grow up!

SardineQueen · 25/04/2011 20:15

They are not staying with the OP! They went to visit her for the evening and as part of their visit went off and had a bath! In what way, shape or form is that normal behaviour???!!! Apart from anything else it is pretty bloody rude to go and visit someone for a few hours and spend a large chunk of that time in a different room, with the person that you came with, leaving the visitee sitting by herself!

therealmrsbeckham · 25/04/2011 20:22

That's a bit harsh princessparty! It's the OP's house and her DM should respect her feelings. As sardinequeen said it's not normal behaviour.

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