AIBU to refuse grandparent's offer of full time childcare for baby DS

[coocoocachoo]

To put this into context, I'm currently 31wks so DS not even here yet! But already becoming a bit of a problem. DH and I have of course already considered childcare options and we had taken into account cost of childcare before we even started trying for a baby. While we knew things would get very tight (as I'm still paying off student debts), we had worked out that we could manage.

Mum and Dad have now offered full time childcare when I go back to work. While this will mean a huge saving on childcare, paying off my remaining debt more quickly and working on a deposit, there are a couple of glitches: Dad has been suffering from PTSD for several years and last year was declared unfit for work. He takes a variety of medication and is unable to drive as a result. Mum still works an irregular shift pattern and will not always be there.

It is obvious that Dad is really looking forward to his first GD and Mum thinks that having the baby to look after will be really good for him. I have so many reservations though, mainly about whether Dad is well enough. I've just had the first mini argument with Mum over the phone where she is adamant that Dad could cope and the issue about driving could be easily resolved. I really dont want this to turn into a big issue but Mum clearly sees the childcare as a kind of therapy and already talks about 'When Dad looks after DS'.

AIBU to question whether this is a wise move - as Mum clearly thinks so.

Can you give more detail about why you think your dad wouldn't be able to do it? Taking medication that means you can't drive doesn't seem to rule it out, to me.

On the other hand, if your gut instinct is that he's not well enough, then you're probably right and should stick to your guns.

gut reaction, is don't do it

how long do you plan to take off re maternity ie could this be a decision that is still a year away.

perhaps a few days of childcare when DC is 6 or 7 months will let them see how hard it is?

If you're not 100% happy that someone can look after your child, then don't let them. You don't need to be able to drive to look after a child (I don't!) but it being good for your Dad to look after his GC is not the most important issue.

If you were paying them they would have to be registered.
Is there a cat in hell's chance that they could register given your father's health problems?
Therefore, not a good idea.
Would you even be happy if it was shared care? Nursery mostly and GPs when your mum would be there?
And do you want nursery or CM?
Nursery would be your best argument as you could cite mixing with other children.
Also, how old will you DC be when you go back to work? Are you taking full mat. leave?

IMO childcare and grandparenting aren't a good mix

let the baby go to a CM for the majority of the time you are at work, and go to GPs for the remainder

you'll maybe find that as you don't pay you can't call the shots, care-wise

If you are not comfortable with the arrangement then of course YANBU, you could tell your mum about your reservations or to keep the peace you could use an excuse about why alternative childcare would be better, the social aspect etc.

i thbink it would be unwise to say "yes, great let's do it"

i think that when the time comes you should reassess. get your childcare sorted how you want it (nursery/childminder/whatever) but perhaps ask if he'd have baby one day a week just to see how he gets on?

if it's very successful then increase it IF you are happy and he is happy. But don't feel that you have to

if you are not happy with it don't do it, they don't have a right to do it automatically if you don't wish they can do so. they can offer but you're not obligated to say yes, i wouldn't let them push you into it if you are not comfy as it will cause more issues and may end up to be more difficult to pull out of that agreement once you've started on that road rather than just to say no iniitally

I would think about coming to a compromise. Perhaps have your DS in childcare on the days when your dad would be on his own, and then looked after when your mum is around - there are some nurseries out there which can be flexible provided they know a couple of weeks in advance, and presumably your mum will know her shift pattern for several weeks before the event.
This way you will have the best of both worlds.

I would say not to do it full time.

I would send him to a childminder for 4 days and to parents for a day if they are willing.

Not sure driving is a real issue but it depends on how you feel.

It doesn't sound like a very good arrangement to me. How old are your parents? Was your father very hands on when you (and your siblings, if any) were little? What will your father do with your DS when he is at home?

I'd organise the (paid) childcare you want, and then, if & when your parents want to take DC out for the afternoon or day they could. But you are not dependent on them and you are still calling the shots.

You are pefectly entitled to do as you like wrt childcare. Sounds more like your mum thinks looking after your ds will be good for your dad than he really wants to though.

How about saying that you would like to start with them having ds for an afternoon a week, and that then when your ds is settled into nursery/ a little older you could up it as it suits them and you. After all, looking after a baby is hard work, and surely your mum and dad will need time to themselves as well as time for your dad to go to his therapy sessions

Be warned, everyone I know who has Grandparent childcare has had trouble. What happens when grandparents want to go on holiday, are ill, want to join a bridge/walking/bingo group, get their haircut, do something different on a week day, DS is ill, realise that babies are hard work on old bodies, want a break etc? What if you and your PILs have totally different ideas on raising your child?

We have no rellies nearby, so all our childcare is at nursery, it costs a fortune, but they do exactly what I want, have never let me down and are very professional.

I am sure that spending time with your DS will be fabulous, but maybe once or twice a week. Maybe they could be on hand for nursery drop offs and pick ups, baby sitting and fun stuff.

We had grandparent childcare and it worked brilliantly.

My parents offered the same. They are both healthy but almost 70. We ended up compromising after a bit of a row. They do two days childcare for me and DD goes to nursery for 3. It has worked out really well to be honest. DD loves them and I have cover in emergencies through either them or extra days at nursery.
I always check with them that they are ok. I think they are glad they didn't do full time though as they are so tired.

I think there is a huge advantage to children being cared for by their gp's who love them.

However, I think what kind of meds your father takes, and how his PTSD manifests, may rule this out.

I would be clear about your concerns, but possibly remain open to some practise sessions, to see how it gels once baby is here and you're refining to work (some months off I imagine, which gives time to see how your father is doing then.) It also may be possible for your mother to change her shift pattern to suit the arrangement, you don't know unless she tries.

How was your father at hands on child are when you were younger?

well said, BikeRunSki

I avoided relying on GP as those issues wouldve driven me mad. Hate relying on family just to work - so much pressure on them.
I always thought that in my family, with my parents and my in-laws, its not fair - they have worked their lives to enjoy their retirement, they forget/dont realise how exhausting babies/toddlers can be.

my personal view on grandparent childcare is that in general 1 day a week is enough -and that is from well grandparents when both GP are in general around. in this case I would look and ideally sort out at other options - now is an ideal time - and then see how it goes - i am sure that your dad doing the odd time while you are on maternity leave will be very useful -even its just take baby for a walk while you get your head down and then you can all see how it would work out as a regular thing - you can alway cut other childcare down if it does - and also if grandparents are not doing regular childcare in the week they can still do babysitting and the odd time at weekends - all still v sueful
and I am sure you will have consider this but don't rule out childminders - can be more flexiable than nursery and don't forget about childcare vouchers as they can be quite a saving

I agree driving wouldnt normally be a requirement but logistically, either Mum or Dad would need to be able to drive over to ours to get DS. We simply wouldnt have time before work in a morning to get DS to parents house (20 min drive away, 40 mins in morning traffic) and then get to work (in the other direction from where we live) in time. Mum works a funny shift pattern so no guarantee of regularity.

Dad has mild schizophrenia brought on by PTSD (from the Gulf War first time round). His medication seems to mean that he manages well but you never know...(hard for me to say, he is my Dad afterall and I love him dearly).

I'm planning on 9 months mat leave so I know there is time to bottom this out but don't really know how to as Mum thinks it is the perfect answer - dont want her to think this for the next year then drop the bombshell that actually DS is going to nursery i.e. we'd rather pay £800 a month than have Dad look after DS.

Thanks flisspaps and parakeet - gut feeling is this is a bad idea and that how my Dad feels shouldnt be the main issue here.

I believe that using family and/or friends for childcare rarely works.

IMO it's best to keep a professional relationship with any childcarer; saves a lot of aggro and conflict of interests.

Also as far as your parents are concerned, what seems a nice and good idea now (when the baby hasn't even been born) might be a very different situation in reality.

They probably underestimate just how much work a young baby is to care for - I know they've had their own, but that was a long time ago! And the not driving business is a big deal - it sounds like it would make life much more difficult for you, not easier.

I agree with what everyone else is saying your dc could spend a few days in childcare and then a day or two with your mum and dad. As children get older they want more stimulation so a nursery would be good for him or her.

Thanks - really useful comments and I feel better equipped for the next round with Mum to stand my ground and say we'll start with nursery and see how we go.

My Dad had my two boys on his own until they were 2 & 4 yo (when Mum retired). It was fantastic and I really feel they benefited (and still do) from a close bond with a male relative other than their father. DS1 particularly, now 10yo, will still seek out his Grandad to go for a walk/read a book/play ball when things are getting on top of him.

But, it was for only 2 days a week, my Dad is in excellent health, my parents are supremely reliable - they didn't take a holiday that took them away from home while I was working until DS2 was 5 and then they took the boys with them!! I am very very lucky.

The absolutely most important things when arranging childcare are that you are comfortable with it - it's hard enough leaving your DC as it is - and that it's reliable and it seems neither will be the case for you with this arrangement.

In any event it is far far too early for you to be making these decisions now. You might decide you can't bear to return to work, many mum's do, no matter if they think before baby's born that they can't afford not to work. It's amazing how you can manage if it's that or leave your baby. Others of course are perfectly happy with the arrangements they make to go back to work, but you really can't know how you'll feel yet.

Also, but the time you return to work, you'll have seen how your dad is with the baby, maybe have left them together for short periods and will know how they both cope with that. Your dad will also have found out what hard work it can be and may have a change of heart himself.

I don't think your mum is being terribly fair, tbh - the issues with your dad are ones you need to consider seriously, and would have to do so if any other carer had the same problems. The driving would surely be a clincher from what you say.

fwiw, my mum looks after my neices, and has done ever since they were tiny. She does this 3 days a week, after 50 years experience as a nursery nurse (so it is, in fact, a cracking deal for my sister!). By Thursday, though, she is tired, and although looking after little ones is absolutely second nature to her, the energy they require is substantial. Would your dad's condition be exacerbated by tiredness? what if your ds is a shocking sleeper, for example?