AIBU to refuse grandparent's offer of full time childcare for baby DS

[coocoocachoo]

To put this into context, I'm currently 31wks so DS not even here yet! But already becoming a bit of a problem. DH and I have of course already considered childcare options and we had taken into account cost of childcare before we even started trying for a baby. While we knew things would get very tight (as I'm still paying off student debts), we had worked out that we could manage.

Mum and Dad have now offered full time childcare when I go back to work. While this will mean a huge saving on childcare, paying off my remaining debt more quickly and working on a deposit, there are a couple of glitches: Dad has been suffering from PTSD for several years and last year was declared unfit for work. He takes a variety of medication and is unable to drive as a result. Mum still works an irregular shift pattern and will not always be there.

It is obvious that Dad is really looking forward to his first GD and Mum thinks that having the baby to look after will be really good for him. I have so many reservations though, mainly about whether Dad is well enough. I've just had the first mini argument with Mum over the phone where she is adamant that Dad could cope and the issue about driving could be easily resolved. I really dont want this to turn into a big issue but Mum clearly sees the childcare as a kind of therapy and already talks about 'When Dad looks after DS'.

AIBU to question whether this is a wise move - as Mum clearly thinks so.

Also it does curtail what my mum and dad can do - my sister is good about taking her holidays to suit them, as is BIL, but it's not always possible, and so often weekend trips to see our dcs, hundreds of miles away, are not really practical. Our problem, obv - we moved here, but a shame nonetheless.

When choosing childcare the only thing that matters is choosing what you feel is the best possible care for your child that you can afford. For many people, this isn't necessarily gp's, because they want the social interaction and the different experience a child will get from a younger childminder with other children, or in nursery. That can be the case even when the gp's are fit and active. My PIL offered regular care, and we limited it to just one day a week and ds went to nursery for two, because we wanted him to be with other little ones, and with the best will in the world he would have been just with his lovely, but elderly gp's otherwise.

In your case, you have more reason to be wary. It also sounds like your mum is focussing on how looking after your son may be good "therapy" for your dad. Wrong wrong wrong! The only thing that matters is, is it the right care for your boy. Follow your heart and find the care you want, and let them enjoy seeing your son without the responsibility every day

go with your gut

Your child is not your fathers therapy.

if you're not comfortable talking about it before baby even arrives then tell them. i was very reluctant to discuss certain issues untill baby had actually arrived and i could see for myself how things worked out. i know plenty of people who declared they were going to do things a certain way then did the complete opposite when baby arrived and original plans didn't work out.

with certain baby related issues i have got to a point where i've said to my mum 'i don't want to talk about it' and that's that. say something like that to your mum then if she brings it up again tell her she's really upsetting you by bringing up something you have clearly told her you do not want to discuss at the moment. then you get a bit of space to see how things work out and can have a proper discussion when baby has arrived and your parents have had the chance to look after him - you will have real life examples to use then.

You don't say what your dad thinks about looking after your DS on his own - I would have a chat about it.

I don't think either parent can really know how difficult looking after a baby is at their age until the baby's here. Add a fairly serious mental health issue into the mix and it sounds like a really bad idea. Apart from anything else you need to be completely confident that your childcare will actually show up, even if you're happy with the quality of care (I have some experience of this in the family but don't want to go into too much detail as it's quite identifying).

There's also the chance that a stressful task like looking after a baby could set back your dad's recovery/ treatment and make him feel like a failure if he felt unable to do it.

I would plan on nursery as you had originally decided but be prepared to change your mind once the baby's here if it seems like a really good idea to everyone. I would also be very honest and clear with your mum that this is what you're planning.