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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband with a wandering eye

57 replies

whatsallthehullaballoo · 23/04/2011 18:51

Ok well since the summer weather has really hit and all the girls are around with their shorts, strapless dresses and spray tans my husband has had his birthdays come all at once. Now, if he has seen a pretty girl in the car he has looked, then looked in his wing mirror and then his rear view mirror. He did this in the car 3 times today. I then said " Did you get a good enough look?". He said everyone does it, even women and that I am being stupid because it is not like he is actually going after her. I asked why he didn't feel it was a bit disrespectful clearly checking out other women whilst I am next to him in the car. He just said he thinks it is fine and doesn't care if I do the same.

Now I don't live on another planet. I know he looks at pretty girls...but it felt like over kill checking all his mirrors and left me a bit upset. AIBU?

I told him "Fine - do it then. I don't give a shit if you do now.".

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 23/04/2011 19:22

I'm sure we do all notice attractive strangers, but openly letching is disrespectful, to you and the woman. I'm not surprised it makes you feel insecure. The fact he only does it to women walking around without a man with them as well is appalling beyond belief. So it's okay if it's not another man's "property"? Hmm

DontGoCurly · 23/04/2011 19:22

Gratuitous in-your-face leering is not ok. No.

Everyone has a desrceet glance but using the mirrors to letch at women is wrong and dangerous.

It's disrespectful to you for him not to modify his behaviour. He is not single. There is such a thing as manners and consideration.

worraliberty · 23/04/2011 19:22

'hang' not 'hand' Blush

Original poster
whatsallthehullaballoo · 23/04/2011 19:23

He would never honk his horn, shout out or whistle. He is quite shy around women at times.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 23/04/2011 19:24

It doesn't take an unshy man to honk a horn when he's driving by at 25mph

BitOfFunnyBunny · 23/04/2011 19:25

Is he so dismissive of your feelings in other ways too?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/04/2011 19:27

If men letched over you, you'd like that? What would it teach your husband? It doesn't sound as if he gives a hoot what you think so why would he care if men looked at you or not?

Have some self respect, you're fine as you are, your husband's behaviour is disgusting and he needs to know that you won't tolerate it. Let him go out and check his mirrors on his own... and be a laughing stock. Go out with friends and don't put yourself in the position of having to watch him do this with you in tow.

Sorry OP, not nice to hear but I feel very angry for you.

ihatecbeebies · 23/04/2011 19:28

YANBU! Im sure DP does the same when I'm not with him (or just very discreetly when I'm there) and I've done the same too but it is very disrespectful to do it so blatantly especially when you were there and then to not even apologise when you let him know you were upset by it isn't very nice either.

Original poster
whatsallthehullaballoo · 23/04/2011 19:31

Yes bitoffunnybunny. And this behaviour is another tick in the box. I have had a gutful. We have had it out, last night in fact about his attitude and he says I am a nag and that he shouldn't have to do stuff he doesn't want to do. (e.g, looking at me when I talk to him, stop playing computer games whenever in the house, take an interest in my conversations etc).
It feels like we live 'alongside' each other and share the children. We do not live 'together' anymore and it is tearing me up. I have no family at all. No savings and nowhere to go. I have nothing and I refuse to leave so that my children have nothing either.

I cannot believe this post turned into this.

OP posts:
ihatecbeebies · 23/04/2011 19:31

By same I meant a glance at someone attractive though, not leering over mirrors!

Original poster
whatsallthehullaballoo · 23/04/2011 19:32

You are right LyingWitchinthe Wardrobe. Everyone is right. He is lovely with our children. But as I have grown and matured, he has not.

OP posts:
BitOfFunnyBunny · 23/04/2011 19:36

You sounds sad and angry Sad

BitOfFunnyBunny · 23/04/2011 19:36

*so. My typing is crap, sorry.

Original poster
whatsallthehullaballoo · 23/04/2011 19:39

I have had enough but have no one to turn to. Sorry BitofFunnyBunny. I have turned an original OP into something completely different. Seeing the replies made me realise it wasn't me being unreasonable.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/04/2011 19:44

whatsallthehullaballoo... You're definitely not being unreasonable, but you need some good advice. The relationship board here is really chock full of ladies who can definitely point you in the right direction and help you. It won't be a case of you or your children having nothing.

Original poster
whatsallthehullaballoo · 23/04/2011 19:49

Thankyou all. It is funny that of all the people I come into contact with it is those of you in cyber space that see a situation for what it is. I may post on there this evening. Husband is upstairs on computer and I have lounge to my myself.

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 23/04/2011 20:01

I'm sorry you're going through this. :(

FWIW I would have DH's head if he acted this way. I know he looks of course, we both do. But to blatantly stare when you're sitting there is very disrespectful.

Original poster
whatsallthehullaballoo · 23/04/2011 20:21

Thank you cheerfulyank. I would have had his head too a few years back. But I feel so low that I do not even say much anymore. I am pretty sure he has had a fling with a work colleague as well but he told me not to be silly, even though I saw the text messages. He said it was banter and if I read anything into it I was an idiot. I shut up then as well.

I need help!! How do I change this? If I saw me I would just be screaming at me 'stand up for yourself' but I don't know where to start.

OP posts:
hairfullofsnakes · 23/04/2011 20:40

Oh goodness, I wish I had some advice - could you go on your own to relate to talk to someone about what to do? That could be a good step and he doesn't have to know... Yet. It may help you see your options x

ENormaSnob · 23/04/2011 20:41

Oh love.

My heart goes out to you, you sound so sad and defeated.

BestNameEver · 23/04/2011 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
whatsallthehullaballoo · 23/04/2011 20:48

Thank you for taking the time to reply - all of you xxx

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 23/04/2011 20:51

Whatsallthe - post over on the Relationships board < (shameless hug)

fedupofnamechanging · 23/04/2011 21:04

Whatsallthehullaballoo, you don't have to do anything immediately. Take your time to plan what you want for you and your DC. You deserve better than a man who behaves like this x

Original poster
whatsallthehullaballoo · 23/04/2011 21:11

I have posted. You have been a great help. Grateful for the hug caramelwaffle.
Karma - I have got a job now and plan to start saving next month. I have been trying and trying to get on for the last 18months. I know what I have to do...I hope I have the strength to do it.

OP posts: