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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to still be bugged by this?

33 replies

FoxtrotMikiLima · 23/04/2011 14:56

I was at at friend's bbq the other evening and was talking to two women there who I'd only briefly met once before but they are good friends with each other. One was pg with dc2 and the other wants to have children but her dh is 'not ready and is not sure he ever will be'. She was clearly very upset about the prospect of not having children.

As the conversation went on, the pregnant woman advised her to pin prick his condoms and even went so far as to tell her to do it on the ridge of each packet so as not to make it obvious. I wasn't entirely convinced she was being totally serious so I kept quiet for a bit but when it became obvious she clearly was, and the other woman was agreeing with her, I had to (gently and more diplomatically than I'm about to describe) say it wasn't a great idea, that regardless of what she wanted, she didn't have the right to make life changing choices on behalf of another person, even if she thought he would make a better dad than she would a mum ( her words, not mine). Plus, it might really mess up the kid and be grounds for divorce if she ever went through with it and was found out.

The pregnant woman virtually spat her sausage out at me saying 'oh don't be one of those do-gooder moral high ground people' and then went on to completely ignore me. By the time I made my excuses to leave the conversation, it still seemed highly likely the childless woman was going to try the condom trick.

I left the evening feeling genuinely upset for the woman's dh, particularly as she had said he had always maintained he might never have kids so wasn't u-turning on something he had said previously to her. I've never met the dh, he wasn't there that evening and I know it's really none of my business but I feel a really strong sense of injustice might be taken place and I completely powerless to prevent something very silly from happening.

Am I a) BU to have even said something in the first place?
or
b) BU to still be s bit upset by this?
or
c) BU not to have tried to do more to talk her out of this stupid plan?

OP posts:

BitOfFunnyBunny · 23/04/2011 14:57

You have very personal conversations at barbecues. Were the burgers a bit rubbish?

nickelbaalamb · 23/04/2011 15:00

I think she'd have been more expedient to ditch him and find a man who does want babies (that's what I ended up having to do.)

a) yanbu
b) yanbu
c) yanbu - you told her it wasn't a good plan, and she ignored you. you did the best you could, any more would have made you look like a tit.

JaneS · 23/04/2011 15:00

a) No, you were right to have said something, they were being stupid and selfish.

b) Yes, a bit: you don't know the bloke and as you say it's not your business.

c) Yes: you said you thought it was a bad idea, they responded badly to that, what else could you have done?

Let it go. Some people in the world are selfish tossers, it's not your mission to stop them.

nickelbaalamb · 23/04/2011 15:01

BOF - it's not that unusual - I remember having a couple of conversations along those lines when I was with Twat. (i never nodded along though, was always quite shocked by it, but people really do say these kinds of things!)

Original poster

FoxtrotMikiLima · 23/04/2011 15:04

BitOfFunnyBunny the food didn't get served until 10.15pm, I think we all may have been about to eat each other which is maybe the conversations got a bit personal...:o

OP posts:

JaneS · 23/04/2011 15:04

VajazzHands · 23/04/2011 15:04

I'm sure the childless woman had heard of the old poke the condom with holes trick already and was therfore humouring the crazy pregnant lady (or maybe trying not to offend the crazy pregnant lady who may have used this trick to get herself pregnant)

So she probably had no intention of doing it or she would have alreaqdy iyswim?

Meow75 · 23/04/2011 15:12

DH and I are strongly of the opinion that older SIL did this.

She got pregnant genuinely accidentally (was ill, pill failed, fairly common scenario I believe), and at first both she and her P were upset, but as happens they came around to the idea of having a child. At 12 weeks, SIL had a miscarriage and was devastated.

Her P then said, when they were discussing things after she'd got over the immediate situation of miscarrying the child that, actually, he wasn't sure he DID want to be a dad even though he was genuinely getting into the idea when SIL was pregnant.

She told him that she was okay with this but within 2 months she was pregnant again, and he told DH that she'd told him that her doctor had told her not to go back on the pill for 6 months post-MC. That is NOT the same that she told her parents once she was pregnant for the second time, so this is the conclusion we have come to, and maybe the now ex-P did too, because they split up when SIL was about 6 months pg.

I am disappointed that some women feel that they have the right to make someone else's reproductive decisions. Some people might say that if a guy doesn't want to be a dad, then he should use condoms but how many couples who've been together a long time - who might have children already, even - will habitually use condoms?!?! And it would be a rare man who could get through a V without his long-term partner/wife finding out about it.

nickelbaalamb · 23/04/2011 15:15

nickelbaalamb · 23/04/2011 15:16

JaneS · 23/04/2011 15:29

Yes, I know! I'm dead jealous of you two!

I thought I might be a while back but no such luck, and DH would rather wait a bit ... but I just can't understand the mentality of people who'd want to trick their partners into something like that. Very, very odd.

Anyway, the pregnancy must be lovely for you and your DH, good thing you found each other!

nickelbaalamb · 23/04/2011 15:50

I think you should mention us to your DH to persuade him - it won't be the same without you!

It is lovely, thank you, we're happy. (at the moment - both of us are shit scared! [bushock] )

JaneS · 23/04/2011 15:57

Aw, you are sweet. I think it'll be another couple of years for us though.

Lovely to hear about you though - best wishes with it all.

nickelbaalamb · 23/04/2011 16:00

you can have a preganncy vicariously through me, if you like! (as long as you take the nasty bits and leave me with the nice stuff)

JaneS · 23/04/2011 16:02

I'm not sure you can palm off morning sickness quite that easily, but nice try!

insertfunnynicknamehere · 23/04/2011 16:12

Not to hijack but I was in the doctors this morn reading some magazine where a girl deliberately had a one nighter to get pg. They were both drunk and the next morning the man says they were stupid for not using protection and asked that she take the morning after. She said she would but didn't she then had the baby reported him to the CSA and wonders why he doesn't want to know tje baby!
Now I know that every time you have sex you run thje risk of impregnating someone but to do that?
Anyway Yanbu to think its messed up but what else can you do only give your opinion?

plupedantic · 23/04/2011 16:32

You are definitely NBU to have said something, and to be still upset about this. It's a genuinely selfish way to think (let alone act), and you should not be questioning the fact that you are still affected.

pink4ever · 23/04/2011 17:03

YABU mind your own business!!. I have a friend who is desperate for kids but her dp made her put it off as he is younger and was "not ready for it". She has since found out she cant have dcs(largely due to her age). If she had accidentally fallen pregnant then I know for a fact her dp would have supported and been a great dad.Sadly they may never get the chance.

plupedantic · 23/04/2011 17:17

If she couldn't convince him any other way, and it didn't happen naturally, it's still not right to make it happen by trickery, pink4ever. As someone said upthread, what if he found out?

These women of the OP were dicussing it openly at a party, without having sworn the OP to silence beforehand. The woman's OH could find out from anyone who overheard. A great risk to a relationship.

Original poster

FoxtrotMikiLima · 23/04/2011 20:07

pink4ever I'm very sorry about your friend's situation but your friend had choices - she chose to stay with dp despite being desperate for kids. Getting pregnant is not a given no matter whatever age you are, and she stayed with him knowing she was getting older and the chances diminish. She still has chances/choices. A good friend of mine who is 42, was told at 38 she would never have kids but she adopted and then she got pregnant naturally.

Yes, accidents do happen and, yes, dp may well have supported her and been a good dad, but we're not talking about accidents, we're talking about wilful trickery - surely if you love someone enough, why would you want to spend the rest of your life, and your child's life, carrying such a lie around? That's not my version of a solid, loving relationship. If kids mean more than a partner, then the simple answer is to leave that relationship and find one where both parties want the same thing.

OP posts:

pink4ever · 23/04/2011 20:20

Foxtrot-I live in the real world.People tell lies all the time!! It happens! I just dont understand the moral outrage when a women(in a long term relationship) gives the man a nudge in the right direction. Many men are ambivilent about parenthood and then go on to be fantastic fathers.

Original poster

FoxtrotMikiLima · 23/04/2011 20:26

Pink4ever don't think your last comment would hold much sway in the divorce courts :o

OP posts:

JaneS · 23/04/2011 20:28

pink, I agree with foxtrot. My DH doesn't want kids yet as he feels too young - I'm not stupid and selfish enough to force him into having them, and it is really a bit offensive that you seem to think it'd be excusable.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 23/04/2011 20:30

If he's that sure maybe he should take some responsibility for contraception and get a vasectomy.

Original poster

FoxtrotMikiLima · 23/04/2011 20:36

Evenlessnarkypuffin From what I inferred from the conversation they had, it appears he doesn't trust her to use her own contraception properly - he thinks she is still on the pill and he uses condoms.

OP posts:

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