to still be bugged by this?

[FoxtrotMikiLima]

I was at at friend's bbq the other evening and was talking to two women there who I'd only briefly met once before but they are good friends with each other. One was pg with dc2 and the other wants to have children but her dh is 'not ready and is not sure he ever will be'. She was clearly very upset about the prospect of not having children.

As the conversation went on, the pregnant woman advised her to pin prick his condoms and even went so far as to tell her to do it on the ridge of each packet so as not to make it obvious. I wasn't entirely convinced she was being totally serious so I kept quiet for a bit but when it became obvious she clearly was, and the other woman was agreeing with her, I had to (gently and more diplomatically than I'm about to describe) say it wasn't a great idea, that regardless of what she wanted, she didn't have the right to make life changing choices on behalf of another person, even if she thought he would make a better dad than she would a mum ( her words, not mine). Plus, it might really mess up the kid and be grounds for divorce if she ever went through with it and was found out.

The pregnant woman virtually spat her sausage out at me saying 'oh don't be one of those do-gooder moral high ground people' and then went on to completely ignore me. By the time I made my excuses to leave the conversation, it still seemed highly likely the childless woman was going to try the condom trick.

I left the evening feeling genuinely upset for the woman's dh, particularly as she had said he had always maintained he might never have kids so wasn't u-turning on something he had said previously to her. I've never met the dh, he wasn't there that evening and I know it's really none of my business but I feel a really strong sense of injustice might be taken place and I completely powerless to prevent something very silly from happening.

Am I a) BU to have even said something in the first place?
or
b) BU to still be s bit upset by this?
or
c) BU not to have tried to do more to talk her out of this stupid plan?

No man should be tricked into fatherhood. It isn't a nudge in the right direction. It i more like throwing him off a mountain and hoping he survives the fall.

Good analogy, cantspel. Some men may prefer the latter anyway

YABU to still be bugged by it.

I think it is good that you told her this is not a great idea and it may make her think a bit before she acts. Ultimately though, you are not responsible for the way other people live their lives. You said your piece and she will either listen or not, but you did what you could.

No point worrying about it. It's not your relationship and not your concern really. I wouldn't interfere any further. No one will thank you for it

Oops, pressed enter too quickly.

I don't think your little talk will have made much difference so it was a bit of a waste of breath. I'm pretty sure that this type of thing happens fairly often, either in this calculated way or in a more subconscious 'forgetting the pill' way. If he really wants to protect himself, he'll be more careful about where he keeps his condoms or he'd go for a vasectomy.

It could well be grounds for divorce, but being raised in a LP family isn't the worst thing that could happen to a child tbh.

when I told my SIL about a relationship i was in, where I was not sure what the future was and was very anxious about it as I was totally in love with the guy,
her advice to me was to fall pregnant "by mistake"....
I was so schocked!
Baring in mind her shotgun wedding to my brother......
:(

what I forgot to say is YANBU but it is down to the woman's own moral code....
nothing you could say would change that I am sure.
I know, for example, that I could never live with the guilt if I did it so it would never be an option....

Qwerty I never understand why people give advice like your SIL in did! It's hard enough for a couple with a new baby when they're in a loving relationship, but to actually keep a man when they're a reluctant father - that must the most testing thing in the world.