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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel nervous and angry that SIL is coming to my wedding next week!

50 replies

lovetoshop · 23/04/2011 10:33

My SIL has openly told me and my H2B she dislikes us. After 2 years of problems between us I asked her to be the witness at our wedding. Her response to this was to tell us she didnt even want to come to the wedding as it would be one of the hardest days of her life. Six months on, having not spoken to either of us (and ignoring our childrens birthdays) my MIL tells me SIL has decided to come as people will ask questions if she isnt there. H2B wants a quiet life and says he will simply ignore her and that it simply makes her look stupid. MIL (lives with SIL) is probably behind the decision change and says SIL will not do anything to ruin our day. I am fuming, feel like I cant even decide who comes to my own wedding! Dont want a MASSIVE family row a week before which is what will happen if I demand that she doesnt come. Therefore I have little choice but to go ahead and try to do same as my lovely H2B and ignore her. Quite a big wedding so there will be plenty of people around who will actually be happy to be there. AIBU????? What should I do? It is so typical of her to commandeer the situation like this.

OP posts:

Original poster

lovetoshop · 23/04/2011 10:35

Sorry! Should've explained reason I asked her to be a witness was to 'extend an olive branch' so-to-speak.

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 23/04/2011 10:37

Why did you ask her in the first place?

Have you sent official invites?

Penelope1980 · 23/04/2011 10:37

why did she say it will be so hard for her? Hard to comment without knowing that

strandedbear · 23/04/2011 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AccioPinotGrigio · 23/04/2011 10:43

It's a mutual dislike clearly. Given there is a history between you, you have to accept with grace that your olive branch might be snapped in two. The bigger thing to do would be rise above it, be as pleasant as you would to a friend you liked and live the change you want see. If that doesn't work then resume hostilities

Original poster

lovetoshop · 23/04/2011 10:44

The reason she said it would be so hard for her is because her Dad wont be there. Sadly he died 3 years ago and she has really struggled. She has always lived with her parents (is 31) and was very close to her Dad. DH is also of-course devastated his dad wont be next to him next week as they were equally close, and he has tried to explain this to SIL. She says we are marrying too soon after his death. Obviously she has a lot of issues with grief but she will not accept this. One reason I asked her was because I do understand her treatment of me and my H2B has probably stemmed from her grief. I didnt expect her to respond in the way she did. She didnt just say 'no'. I had abusive messages for weeks after and, as I said, she then ignored my DS and DD's birthdays.

OP posts:

megapixels · 23/04/2011 10:47

But you are the one who asked her to come to begin with .

Original poster

lovetoshop · 23/04/2011 10:54

I know megapixels, its a confusing thread! I asked her to come, and I genuinely meant it. In the past we have actually got on well. The reason I now feel angry and nervous is because the situation has caused so much heartache in the last 6 months. Arguments between DH and his mum, arguments from me when the childrens birthdays came and went etc...I am fairly sure MIL has convinced her to come as she will worry about her being alone all day at home if she doesnt. I feel strongly that after the avusive messages and her behaviour towards my children she is now not welcome. AIBU???

OP posts:

Pennies · 23/04/2011 10:56

YABU. You should never have asked her in the first place (and I don't really understand why you bothered as she's been such a cow to you). However, as you did you should have been prepared to have her there. Some "olive branch" if you didn't mean it.

ENormaSnob · 23/04/2011 10:57

Have you sent an official invite?

megapixels · 23/04/2011 10:57

Tell her not to come then. It isn't good that you are having someone who's causing you so much stress and upset at your wedding. If you think she'll just sit there quietly and behave then I suppose you could have her there and ignore her like your dh is going to.

LadyInTheRadiat0r · 23/04/2011 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

risingstar · 23/04/2011 10:58

be the better person. tell MIL that SIL will be welcome- make arrangements.

then park it and thoroughly enjoy your day.

it will only be all about her if you let it be.

make sure she is towards the edge of any photos so she can be photoshopped out.

bamboostalks · 23/04/2011 11:00

I feel for you, she sounds spoilt and difficult. This is your day and no one can ruin unless you let them. Put the whole situation out of your head. If she comes, she comes. If she doesn't, she doesn't.

ENormaSnob · 23/04/2011 11:01

So you asked her to be witness and she responded with abusive texts and no contact for 6 months?

Like fuck I would have her there.

Original poster

lovetoshop · 23/04/2011 11:01

Yes we did send an official invite and she didnt respond. The reason I invited her (and I honestly did want her there at that point) is because DH and I wanted to try to heal the rift a little. The reason I now dont feel comfortable with her being there is because of her behaviour since then. It was a genuine olive branch, and I accept that she had the right to say No, but I do not accept that she had the right to then subject us to weeks of abusive messages and to bring the children into it Pennies. I am concerned she may do something, even something subtle, that will upset me on the day.

OP posts:

flamegirl77 · 23/04/2011 11:01

I agree with others - take the high road. Your day will whizz by and you'll barely notice her if you focus on enjoying yourself. It's much easier to keep clear of people on your wedding day than on other social occasions as there are a million reasons to excuse yourself from conversations! ('I'll catch you later, I just need to...') Can you brief an usher to keep an eye on her and distract her if she starts behaving in a disruptive way - that's worked for people I know. Not ideal but I agree you don't want a massive row - it's already causing you enough stress. Good luck.

Xales · 23/04/2011 11:01

Sit down with her, your H to be and your MIL to be now before the wedding or if you don't have time have some sort of speakerphone conversation where you can all hear what is said and say let the past be the past all agreed, all forget it and all move on.

If she says yes then hopefully you can get back to a nice cordial family relationship.

If she says fuck off then you have to bite the bullet and say don't come to my wedding after the way you have been since I asked you are not welcome.

If you say and do nothing, will you say and do nothing for the rest of your married life until you have had enough?

Penelope1980 · 23/04/2011 11:02

After adding the additional info I think YANBU. You asked her initially and in good faith hoping she'd come round, which is the right thing to do, and if she didn't accept the olive branch it becomes her problem.

But, having her there will probably be ok. it could be that she has changed her mind but has backed herself into a corner she can't get out of. Also, it's your DPs problem more than yours as it's his sister, so be prepared to take his lead.

I do feel for you though!

Xales · 23/04/2011 11:02

Oh and point out before the wedding that you have another witness as she didn't want the role.

Don't let her just step into it.

atswimtwolengths · 23/04/2011 11:04

Why so critical, Pennies?

The OP asked her SIL to be there at her wedding, despite problems between them. The SIL said she'd didn't want to attend, and said it in a pretty horrible way.

Now the SIL says she will be there, but she's done too much damage for the OP to be happy with that.

Why is the OP to blame here?

thumbbunny · 23/04/2011 11:07

Ah, I feel for you. BUt with experience of similar (slightly worse in some ways) in that my brother and I really do not get on, in fact seriously dislike each other. But I had to invite him because my parents would have been so upset if I hadn't. I didn't want him to come at all really, nor did he - but he did because he thought that is what our grandmother (who we were both very close to) would have wanted.

I can honestly say that apart from a minor moment of discomfort in the lineup, where we had to greet each other, he didn't cause me any bother at all.

In the end, you are so busy on the day that unless your SIL goes out of her way to disrupt things, I doubt you'll even notice she's there.

caramelwaffle · 23/04/2011 11:10

If she says you are marrying too soon three years after her fathers death, then she had issues that run very deep and are ultimatly not your responsibility.

Congratulations, and have a wonderful day.

CareyFakes · 23/04/2011 11:10

I'd be bigger than her and just be polite, welcoming and warm towards her. If she causes trouble, she will look like a pillock.

I wouldn't let it mar your day.

caramelwaffle · 23/04/2011 11:11

*has issues

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