to feel nervous and angry that SIL is coming to my wedding next week!

[lovetoshop]

My SIL has openly told me and my H2B she dislikes us. After 2 years of problems between us I asked her to be the witness at our wedding. Her response to this was to tell us she didnt even want to come to the wedding as it would be one of the hardest days of her life. Six months on, having not spoken to either of us (and ignoring our childrens birthdays) my MIL tells me SIL has decided to come as people will ask questions if she isnt there. H2B wants a quiet life and says he will simply ignore her and that it simply makes her look stupid. MIL (lives with SIL) is probably behind the decision change and says SIL will not do anything to ruin our day. I am fuming, feel like I cant even decide who comes to my own wedding! Dont want a MASSIVE family row a week before which is what will happen if I demand that she doesnt come. Therefore I have little choice but to go ahead and try to do same as my lovely H2B and ignore her. Quite a big wedding so there will be plenty of people around who will actually be happy to be there. AIBU????? What should I do? It is so typical of her to commandeer the situation like this.

Well I can't help but feel that she should never have bothered asking her in the first place, let alone attach some kind of significance to the invite (i.e. making her the witness) when the SIL has form for ruining stuff. A recipe for disaster IMO. I'm not saying I don't feel sorry for the OP or anything but that this situation could easily have been avoided.

I agree that you won't notice she is there. Just concentrate on having a wonderful day. Do you have a good friend that can keep an eye on SIL just in case? That may make you a little less nervous.

Tbh though on my wedding day I was that caught up in everything I did well to recognise the groom let alone the guests

Thanks so much. I'm grateful. I will of course be gracious on the day. To be honest I pity her, but my resentment has been fuelled by some of her unpleasant comments about me and my DH. Its nice to hear from you about your day Thumbbunny. Sorry to hear about probs with your brother. One of the reasons I think she is coming is because her dad would have wanted her to do the right thing. Caramelwaffle, you are right about the grief issues. Perhaps I should also explain my original comment about it being typical of her to 'commandeer' the situation. This sort of thing has arisen on other occasions. Xmas was pretty much cancelled because she was too upset, never mind the children. Similarly, family days out have been cancelled or changed at the last minute because she has got upset or because she hasnt wanted to be around me and my DH2B. Thing is, MIL immediately does what SIL wants to do, probably because she is so worried about her. I understand it, and sympatyhise, but when it involves something like our wedding day I just think she could have been a little more diplomatic. Anyway, I intend now to be polite (there isnt a line-up phew!) and hopefully she will not cause a problem.....

She sounds hard work. I'm sure you'll have a lovely day though.

Poor you, really feel for you on this one. Quite a difficult situation. If you simply refuse her entry to your wedding then you look like the bad guys.
If she had been mildly rude and off with you then I would be suggest taking the high road and have her there and expect her to have a sour face.

However iIf I am reading this right and she has been truely abusive toward you then you do have grounds for cutting her out of this special event. What sort of thing was she saying to you in the messages?

If its really bad then I suggest the following as its important not to simply accept that she is coming.

I say she cant come until she apologises to you both.
Next Move? Maybe write a letter to her (or the speakerphone call mentioned before) saying you are not comfortable having her at your event due to her behaviour toward you in the last 6 months.
List it out. Say to her what she needs to apologise for before the relationship can be healed.

I have a friend who married in Las Vegas recently and her inlaws were getting so out of hand 2 weeks before, it didnt even get abusive, and yet they considered hiring security!
I do think this is an option if she has been abusive and you dont want her there and she refuses to apologise and still plans on coming. One security man would be worth the expense. Only you know how bad she has been and how bad she could be.
Take control! Best of luck!

The abuse was pretty petty really but it just went on daily for weeks thats all. Childish stuff like saying I was deranged, unhinged, deserved the worst in life etc...She did at one stage say I was a pathetic mother which I nearly exploded in response too. I did not once reply to any of her messages. MIL saw them and says its because she is depressed and that I should ignore them! Do you see the kind of situation I face?! I cant not have her at the wedding, because MIL will then stay away too and DH will be upset. For the greater good I have accepted she will be there, but apart from polite acknowledgement I do not intend to be overly friendly. I know I'm being a bit childish (and I'm bugging myself!) but I dont feel reayd to forgive this just yet. If ever. I try for the children to have a good relationship with MIL so they see her regularly, altho they are dropped quickly if SIL decides to get upset about something. I'm just running ou of sympathy, and patience. Thanks again, so glad I started thread!

I would try to clear the air before the day, your wedding is too important for her to potentially ruin. If she refuses to be nice to you or continues with snide or abusive comments, tell her in no uncertain terms that she is not welcome at the wedding, but if she would like to speak to you afterwards, you will engage with her then. Yes, she is your DP's sister, but that does not give her the right to be present at the wedding or have her feelings overshadow yours. If your future MIL has any compassion and sense, she will understand why you feel that way.

Bottom line, future SIL sounds too volatile a commodity to have at the wedding without some assurance she will behave impeccably.

Depression isn't a reason to treat people like shit it is an excuse.

If she is that depressed she needs to get proper help to overcome or manage it.

Ok. These messages she sent to you are totally out of order. They are abusive and you did very well not to reply to them.

She has already ruined the run up to your big day and that in itself is unforgiveable.

Perhapes if you still have them your MIL could read them so she can understand what you are facing here? They sound v bad.

I am not so sure you should accept SIL will be there. What is the greater good? So your MIL wont come if SIL dosent? Are you sure? Can you have a really serious conversation with your MIL? Explain you have been verbally abused and its not appropiate for her to be there?

If there wasnt a wedding coming up you would be cutting this toxic person right out of your life I hope.

Oh don't put yourself out, it's really not worth it. My best friend and de facto matron of honour said I should "be the bigger person" and try and mend bridges - so I tried. I took 15 minutes out of my evening to talk to my brother, while he was sitting in a coffee lounge with other family, and I got one or two monosyllabic replies. So I gave up (it really is mutually loathing) - I only did it because I am the elder.

Serious waste of my time - made bugger all difference (except maybe to my Dad who did actually see that I was trying and how little effect it had).

If she wants to have a tantrum, then your MIL should learn to deal with her. You can just get on with ignoring her apart from the absolutely bare minimum for civility.

I am Sorry, I misunderstood - you have already said MIL has read the abusive texts. Remind her how bad they were? How many there were? One would be terrible, never mind more!

Perhaps you could tell your MIL that since she didn't RSVP to the invite you haven't a place for her/limited seating or something of the like.
Then it's her fault because she didn't RSVP'd, not yours, no need for her to get huffy

Make sure you sit her away from you for the meal - are there other family or friends that you could sit her with and give them the heads up so they can act as first line of defence to try to stop her from doing anything to spoil the day.

If you were planning on getting married 3 days or even 3 months after her dad died she might have a point but 3 years is a reasonable time and definitely shouts of her having abnormal grief that needs getting sorted out professionally. Can yOu make sure vicar/registrar/guests etc all say something about how thrilled they think you fil would be to see you getting married 'at last' and try to bring him into the service but in a nice way and one that shows you have waited a very reasonable time to get married?

My dad died when I was in my 20's and he would have been horrified if I had held back from getting married for years because of him and would have shown a lack of respect to his memory, rather than your sil's twisted version where you are disrespecting him by getting married too quickly!!

Half the problem here is that the MIL is enabling this woman by letting her get away with being abusive to you. And also letting her ruin other family occasions by kowtowing to her spoilt and selfish behaviour.

She probably has the MIL totally wrapped around her little finger.

I would get DH to speak to his Mother and say SIL will be tolerated at the wedding but on a list of conditions. She is to be polite, respectful and mannerly at all times. The day is NOT about her and if she causes trouble whatsoever, she will be asked to leave and descretely accompanied out.

On the day. Greet her civilly but do not make any special allowances for her or give her any extra attention and certainly do not be anything more than cooly polite. Then totally blank her for the rest of the day.

Good heavens, one of my friends got married 2 weeks after her DH's dad died in a tragic accident. The wedding was of course all planned, had been for ages, but her DH's mother and sister both said it should go ahead. Of course they had moments at the wedding when they were both in bits, as did the groom and my friend - it was a lovely day and they used it as a good time to remember the father as well.

OP's SIL is insane to think 3 years is too short a time - even the a couple of centuries ago they only used to take 1 year mourning (apart from Queen Vic herself of course).

Right as I see it you have two options

1. Have a meet up before and see if she apologises and you let her know how she is supposed to behave (in your own words)

1. Nominate someone who will be her shadow whose sole responsibility is to make sure she doesn't cause a scen and you do not have to worry at all about her.

Or you can doe both.

Good luck for the day.

not surprised you're cross op. an olive branch is either accepted or rejected. so it's not like you extended an olive branch and then changed your mind!! you extended an olive branch and got abusive texts.

but i agree with the posters who said be utterly charming and gracious and that way if she bitches, sulks and is awkward, she'll look like a brat.

If she comes, she is MIL's responsibility, as MIL has taken it upon herself to get SIL to come. If she acts up or abuses you, your DH will have to tell his mother how disappointed he is that she (his DM/ your MIL) let you (you and DH) down. SIL is apparently impervious to pressure, so MIL is your only pressure point.

Honestly, I know it's different with a small child, but I as a mother do try to make sure my DS doesn't make other people's lives miserable, e.g. when we're out and about. Yet if MIL is so convinced that SIL's depression excuses her from all adult behaviour and emotional continence, she (MIL) has no alternative but to return to the days of eternal-vigilance-with-a-small-child. And SIL should not be allowed alcohol if she's "underage"!

totally agree with curlys last post. The MIL is enabling the SILs horridness and it is time someone stood up to her.

Why should you not get married? It is 3 years after your H2Bs fathers death.

Enjoy your day, dont let her annoy you at all.

OP - you are very dignified not to have replied to her ranty texts. Depression is no reason to behave like she is toward you and your H2B. I would have responded, not via text - face to face!

three years since her father died? wow. I thnk she's jealous of her brother for having somebody, having a family. Her family is dwindling around her and yet he's going off and making a new family. But she daren't be horrible to him because she doesn't want to lose him. She's horrible to you because you're taking 'what's left of' her family.

Oops, sorry, I also agreed with DontGoCurly; cross-posted!

She's been upfront with you, she doesn't like you - you don't seem to like her either but maybe that was afterwards.

She's your husband to be's sister and I think you'll just have to ignore her on the day. She's not playing any official part and as she's just going to avoid questions being asked, she'll probably keep a low profile.

Ignore her, you'll have enough going on but don't put any obstacles in the way to prevent her from attending because it will blow up in your face.

I would always err on the side of taking the moral high ground, so that you have a totally clear conscience. Am a little surprised that you asked her to be a witness, given the history.

Maybe you could call her bluff by saying you're glad she's able to come given her grief etc, but if she feels that being a witness is too much for her to cope with, you could ask someone else to stand in, and could she let you know either way?