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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

On reflection, was this wrong of me?

61 replies

SplatteredEasterBunny · 23/04/2011 09:13

It doesn't really matter now, it was a while ago and it's all hit the fan now anyway but I just want some opinions on one of the many incidents that ultimately led to the end of my relationship.

So I have a 10 year old daughter. Live with my partner (he moved in with me) and he had a son who at the time was still living with his mother.

I am the breadwinner earning almost double was DP earns.

One day I bought DD some £65 trainers. I could afford them. She needed some new trainers. She liked these ones. I liked these ones. So I bought them.

When we got home DP started an argument with me about how DD is spoilt and he feels "awful" to see DD "swanning" around in designer gear when his own son walks around in "cheap shit". Remember the lad didnt even live with us and we were paying maintanance.

So he asked me to buy his son the same trainers to "make up for it" and then even suggested I pay a monthly "clothing allowance" towards his DS to make up for the stuff DD gets.

I was in the right to tell him to fuck off, right?

OP posts:

kreecherlivesupstairs · 23/04/2011 09:15

Absolutely right. what a twit. Would you like to buy my DD a pair of converse allstars? She's been mithering for about a year about them.

Original poster

SplatteredEasterBunny · 23/04/2011 09:17

haha I would love to but, if you don't mind things slightly second hand - my DD nattered for allstars and I didn't think they were worth the £40 - so I had a look on ebay and managed to find her some that had been worn once for £15. They came in the converse box and DD didn't even realise they were second hand

(See she's not TOTALLY spoilt!)

OP posts:

WriterofDreams · 23/04/2011 09:17

I can sort of see your partner's point to be honest, but I do think on balance he was being unreasonable. If his son lived with you full time then I would think it's unreasonable for him to be treated differently to your daughter.

rainbowinthesky · 23/04/2011 09:21

At 10 years old, they are old enough to understand that you dont get the same things as other children. All your dp had to do is explain to his ds that you chose to spend your money on these and either he cant afford the same or thinks it's unecessary. Children dont have to have the exact same spent on them each time money is spent or not.

Salmotrutta · 23/04/2011 09:22

I agree with Writerof Dreams - your partner probably felt bad about not being able to afford things like this for his son but he was unreasonable to ask you to support his son when the lad doesn't live with you.

Fontsnob · 23/04/2011 09:22

Ywnbu. Not your place to support his child. If he was living with you then I think it would be different. But if you weren't married and the dc was not living with you then him expecting you to give his dc a clothes allowance is very unreasonable!

LadyWithNoManors · 23/04/2011 09:23

What a fucking idiot!
You are well rid my dear and so is your DD.

fedupofnamechanging · 23/04/2011 09:25

I think that if you were buying something for his son, then you should buy him the same 'quality' that you would buy your DD, but it is not your responsibility to clothe his child. It is up to his mum and dad to provide for him.

Your partner sounds quite resentful of your DD. Of course you have every right to buy her whatever you choose, as it is your responsibility to support her and it is your money to do with as you see fit.

I think that children should be treated equally and fairly. That doesn't always equate to treating them exactly the same.

I think you are well rid of your partner. He sounds like he feels an entitlement to your money.

hairylights · 23/04/2011 09:25

I can see his pov.

You were a family unit and his son had some place in it albeit not living with you all.

If he was earning then you were not the breadwinner.

I think there were bigger problems than this isolated incident most likely.

faymous · 23/04/2011 09:33

It sounds like your partner had an issue that you earnt more. He had no right to tell you what you do with YOUR money. I would have ended the relationship there and then!

pingu2209 · 23/04/2011 10:19

Your partner was / is jelous. His pride is hurt because you can treat your daughter with your extra money but he can't afford to - an ego knock. He probably will never see that, but I would bet money that that is the case.

His son is not your responsiblity, especially if he does not live with you.

pingu2209 · 23/04/2011 10:21

Another point, what if the situation was slightly different. What if you didn't have enough money to buy your daughter the expensive items but his ex partner did? How would he have felt if his son came round to stay in expensive designer gear that your daughter really wanted but you couldn't afford? I bet he would say, tough that is life.

Cheeruploveitmightneverhappen · 23/04/2011 11:08

Not sure why you've started this separate thread when there's so much more to the story, Splattered?

constantlywrong · 23/04/2011 11:14

YWNBU. He was. WTF? How on earth is that a reasonable demand?

CareyFakes · 23/04/2011 11:18

Pride played a part in his reaction. Not a nice situation to be in for him, but thems the breaks.

YANBU

princessparty · 23/04/2011 11:21

I suppose he comes to stay with you though? I can see his POV when he sees his dads step daughter wearing posher stuff than him.

thumbbunny · 23/04/2011 11:24

I think if he had just left it at asking you to maybe get the boy a pair of similar trainers, that woudl have been ok-ish. Although could he really not have afforded to buy his own son a pair??

But as for the "clothing allowance" -WTF?? Cheek of him. (although again, if he lived with you, yes, that would have been ok-ish, I suppose, except that you wouldn't have needed to do it because you would probably have bought his clothes for him anyway)

Are you asking now because you are facing a potentially similar situation? And you'd like to know if it was the right reaction? IMO, yes.

follyfoot · 23/04/2011 11:33

YANBU but this is all no doubt about his own feeling of inadequacy about 1. his earnings and 2. that he cant afford to give his DS what you can afford to give your DD. Asking you to support his son was OTT though.

Here's a bit of a flip side for thought though. My DD and one of my SSs are both going off to Uni this autumn (one SS is already at Uni). I receive no maintenance for my DD. Have told my DD that I would give her £x a month when she goes to Uni but mentioned in passing to my DH that I feel a bit mean as both of his DSs get £x from him plus a similar amount from his XW. I cant afford to give her any more though.

A few weeks later, he told me that he had decided to give my DD the same amount a month as he gives his sons as it was 'only fair that she should have the same amount as his boys'......

Icelollycraving · 23/04/2011 13:31

Well done for having the strength to stand your ground! It no doubt hurt his pride that he doesn't have the funds as much as you,but to ask you to pay to even the balance,that is v cheeky

FabbyChic · 23/04/2011 13:33

Its not your responsibility to cloth his son who does not live with you.

To be honest £65 is obscene if your daughter is not above 16.

Bloodymary · 23/04/2011 13:36

YANBU I would also have told him to fuck right off.

VajazzHands · 23/04/2011 13:41

I'd have told him to get a second job- cheeky fucker

farkthatforagameofsoldiers · 23/04/2011 13:48

"Not sure why you've started this separate thread when there's so much more to the story, Splattered?2

Does it matter? Would you ask her that if she started a second conversation on the same subject with someone in RL?

OP YANBU. However I agree with the poster who said that if you were buying anything for his ds it should be of the same quality. Your ex sound a bit of a twat tbh. Hence he is your ex obviously.

Earlybird · 23/04/2011 14:59

How did you split household bills? Evenly, proportionate to income, according to who spent what, etc?

I agree he was out of order, but the inequity was perhaps not so glaringly obvious to the children as one is a boy and one is a girl - so they wouldn't be wearing the same sort of trainers anyway?

But it is all academic now anyway....

desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 23/04/2011 15:06

I think that if there is enough of a commitment for you to live together there is enough of a commitment for the children to be treated equally. I would not think of treating my stepson any less than my biologically related children.

I have a feeling there is more to this than trainers though.

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