On reflection, was this wrong of me?

[SplatteredEasterBunny]

It doesn't really matter now, it was a while ago and it's all hit the fan now anyway but I just want some opinions on one of the many incidents that ultimately led to the end of my relationship.

So I have a 10 year old daughter. Live with my partner (he moved in with me) and he had a son who at the time was still living with his mother.

I am the breadwinner earning almost double was DP earns.

One day I bought DD some £65 trainers. I could afford them. She needed some new trainers. She liked these ones. I liked these ones. So I bought them.

When we got home DP started an argument with me about how DD is spoilt and he feels "awful" to see DD "swanning" around in designer gear when his own son walks around in "cheap shit". Remember the lad didnt even live with us and we were paying maintanance.

So he asked me to buy his son the same trainers to "make up for it" and then even suggested I pay a monthly "clothing allowance" towards his DS to make up for the stuff DD gets.

I was in the right to tell him to fuck off, right?

I think I may be missing the point so correct me when and if I am wrong.

You and ex-DP lived together.
You both worked but you earnt double him.
He paid CSA out of 'his' earnings and split the bills equally.
So he was providing some towards a roof over your DD and bills/food etc.
Your disposable income was because of circumstances much higher than his.

I don't think you should have to provide for his DS but I do think you could have provided some nice trainers, maybe gone with both dc's to get them something. Maybe though I'm just clouded by the fact I'm still reeling from the shock of £65 on a pair of trainers for a 10 yo?

My friend and her DH have DH DD (12yo) every holiday. They always (well my friend as 'girly' day) take her shopping and get her some outfits/ or bits of school uniform that don't come from specialist shop. She gets her DD's 1 item at the same time so they aren't left out but as they buy their DD's clothes throughout the year they like to do it. And her mum is remarried and so her step-dad provides for this DD and their dd's together too. This DD is not spoilt and gets no more than the others just half from each part of the family iyswim?

Sometimes I think there needs to be less mine and yours and more unity.

Can you be a part time stepmother? I am a stepmother, my SS stay with us every other weekend and for most of the school holidays. I am however his stepmother full time, it does not stop when he walks out the door.

My daughter from my first marraige lives with us, my DH spends the same on her as he would do the children from our marriage. If it were any other way we woudl not be together.

I find the idea that people live together but have their own pools of money very odd.

I totally agree deserately.

I think people forget their new partner provides for their child financially, emotionally and ohysically and just because their partners child gets it elsewhere too doesn't mean they shouldn't get it from them. Most of the time their child will get finanicial support (CSA) and emotional etc from their own biological fathers.

TBH if you have a serious relationship I am surprised you are keeping his son as 'his'.

I'm not aware of the ins and outs of your relationship and it would appear there is more to this than one incident.

It would also depend on whether you spent joint money (ie. yours and his) on your daughter but not on his son, not just on this occasion but generally. I don't know if this happens or not.

The clothing allowance is ridiculous but I feel he senses his son is being pushed out whilst your daughter is being treated. He probably feels this twice as much if your daughter lives with you both, whilst his son only 'visits'. This isn't your fault and he needs to work on this.

There will be so many future issues and the soon to be teenagers are going to reek havoc if there are not clear boundaries and respect on all sides.

So I've no idea if YABU or not - not very helpful, sorry.

I agree with the above - Presumably if you and your DP lived together then both wages were counted as joint earnings, regardless of the percentages - after all you say ' WE were paying maintenance', not HE was paying maintenance..

In which case i could see that he would want things equal where possible between the 2 DC, so nice decent trainers for both is understandable, however a regular clothing allowance for his DS on top of maintenance would be going too far.

I just dont see how its possible to keep things equal when your talking about a child who doesnt live with you . What about holidays or days out ? Are these meant not to occur because theres a child living elsewhere who cant attend causing it to be unequal ?

And what if SS had been bought some new trainers by his mum ? Would this bloke have rushed out and bought the ops dd some too ? What if SS had been for a loveley weekend away with his mum ? Would the Op have to match that too ? Would she have to match everything that SS mums does ? Its a one way system .

Its not right to have your standard of living dictated by a third person , differant homes have differant incomes and differant prioritys . If he wanted his SS to have some new trainers he should have bought him some himself or offered to go halves with his ex , it was not the ops responsibility .

There is nothing about step parenting that apeals to me , and i would never ever do it . Ive dated someone with kids and while they were nice and so was he , its not something i could do and i soon realised that . We went for a weekend away , mine were with their dad , and it was a weekend that he didnt have his. His ex got wind of it afterwards and insisted that his kids should have come and that it was tight of him to have not took them .

She automaticly assumed that i wouldnt have a problem with this and would happily spend my rare child free weekend with her kids . No way . Shes also commented on some of the hobbys that my dd does , suggesting its not fair because hers cant do the same . Bear in mind we didnt live together so my finances are none of her concern ( or his ) and although he never said it , i got the impression he thought his kids would benefit from holidays abroad and various activities funded by myself if we were to move in together .

Its a minefield and i think everyone has to be on the same page for anything like this to work and money is a huge problem.

I think it is equal treatment from you as far as possible. To be honest treating any children equally even if they are biologically related is difficult.

We usually take our stepson on holiay with us, especially if it is a big holiday. We have in the past taken his mum as well thinking the more adult hands the better.

I do think people need to ask themselves carefully, is step parenting for me, because it can be a difficult job.

Diggs-Note i said 'he would want things equal where possible', the subject OP was asking about in particular was a pair of trainers - a materialistic and easily observed comparison between the 2 dcs.

From the SSs point of view, the DD his dad lives with, has new (unecessarily expensive) trendy trainers, he has not. Presumably SSs mum cannot afford £65 trainers.

At Christmas would it be reasonable for the OP to spend £200 on her DDs present, while her and her DP (bearing in mind their finances are shared) spend £20 on his DS?

Your situation was completely different. Talking about holidays etc.on non contact days, are a completely different can of worms, also a third person wasn't kicking off in OPs case, it was her partner who is her SSs and DDs father.

I do have experiences of step parenting - i have 2 dc, my XP has 3 dc, and i know how bad i and my DS2 felt, if his DS2 had flash things i couldn't afford.

Your relationship with your DP ( let alone his DS )didn't sound very good at all) Not like a partnership. It really is not normal to tell a dP to Fuck off and to bang on about how much more you earn than him

I do have experiences of step parenting - i have 2 dc, my XP has 3 dc, and i know how bad i and my DS2 felt, if his DS2 had flash things i couldn't afford.

But doesnt that happen in step families jellycat ? What if the resident parent of the dcs ( the mum and new partner ) has a much bigger income and can afford expensive things ? Sureley a sp cannot be expected to match it , nor the mum be expected to not buy such things for fear of upsetting the other kids ?

Wouldnt that mean the sc has 4 adults supporting them financially while the op for instance has 2 supporting hers ? I know its difficult , i personally couldnt do it , im just wondering how people manage it.

My husband and I have a much higher income than either my ex husband or the mother of my step son and for that reason we shoulder most of the financial responsibility for all of the children. My ex husband pays maintenance although it is a very small amount so it doesn't make much difference. However I feel it is important that he makes a contribution so we take the money and put it into a savings account for her. We pay a substantial amount in maintenance for our step son so he can have a similar standard of living to our other children. We fund his hobbies and pay for things like laptops, bikes etc and we tend to buy his clothes as well. As I said earlier he usually comes on holiday with us.