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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my inlaws to ring and ask how there grandson is

29 replies

cheesespread · 22/04/2011 17:15

My son was 1 last week,my inlaws came up to spend the weekend with us,they live a 2 hour drive away

my son was ill with a chest infection needing antibitoics and an inhaler,he slept thru most of his tea party,i would have cancelled but felt it was too late as my husbands family had booked hotel rooms as we didnt have enough room for everyone to stay

a week on and we havnt heard from my inlaws to ask how there grandson is,not a txt nor phonecall,while this is what there usually like i thought as he was ill they might actually phone and ask how he was

guess im expecting too much !

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfTheNight · 22/04/2011 17:17

Seems so.

Why not phone them?

Say "I just thought I'd let you know that X is on the mend, I knew you'd be worried. He's picking up now."

In a nice tone of voice, of course.

Unless they're stupid, they'll know.

BooyHoo · 22/04/2011 17:18

their grandson. sorry.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 22/04/2011 17:20

naughty booyhoo.
Go stand in the corner.

mummymeister · 22/04/2011 17:21

Theres a fine line between being concerned and involved with grandchildren and being seen to be interfering. Is this your inlaws only grandchild? If it is they might be worried about being the "hated one" because they are interfering. I would definately ring for a chat to let them know grandson is on the mend, thank them for coming and tell them how important you think it is for grandparents to be involved in grandchildrens lives.

BooyHoo · 22/04/2011 17:21

i did say i was sorry. i just couldn't stop it escaping.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 22/04/2011 17:23

Capital 'I', BooyHoo. Capital 'I'

Grin

Back over my knee now.

onceamai · 22/04/2011 17:25

YABU - they should have called. Mine were just the same and I let it go. Wish I hadn't now with hindsight.

BooyHoo · 22/04/2011 17:26

hey, ain't nobody perfect Grin

Groovee · 22/04/2011 17:31

Not my inlaws who are the problem but my parents :-(

Original poster
cheesespread · 22/04/2011 17:31

My husband tells them all the time there always welcome to come and stay and he keeps telling them he wants them more involved in our sons life,we hardly ever see of hear from them,we try to go to them as often as we can and its always my husband who lends up ringin them

it is there only grandchild and i thought they would have been more interested in him than they are

my husband said he doesnt care anymore and they can get on with it and its there loss

its gets to me though

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfTheNight · 22/04/2011 17:34

It is indeed their loss.

Look. You can't make people care or be interested. I know it hurts, because it's your child and you want their family to love them.

But if they aren't that bothered, all you can do is shrug your shoulders and say "their loss" Your husband is right. You can't plead with someone to give a crap. They do or they don't.

And if you try to force it from them, it's meaningless. They don't care because they care, but because you've forced it.

Who wants that?

Just surround your son with people who want to be in his life, and let the others go.

upahill · 22/04/2011 17:37

MIL has probably read too many AIBU on MN about MIL's and feels she can't do right for doing wrong. (grin)

Becaroooo · 22/04/2011 17:38

What hec said!

diddl · 22/04/2011 17:40

Well, I am married to an only child, we have the only GC-we have been abroad more than 10yrs & they have never visited.

My husband has the same attitude as yours, OP-but it pisses me off.

When I remember them going on about being GPs, & how excited they were-blah, blah, blah fucking blah!

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 22/04/2011 17:42

My parents used to be quite useless.

Eventually my mum crossed the line and said something dreadful. I went potty.

Long story short, I told them they were shit grandparents and they needed to decide if they were going to be proper grandparents or not, cos they could either shape up or piss off and either was fine with me.

They chose to pull their socks up and are now far much better.

Maybe you could challenge them?

ledkr · 22/04/2011 17:49

mine ruined my coming home night with dd 10wks by overstaying thier welcome and demanding to be fed-long story,still angry now-dd was then taken back in to hospital with cleft palate,jaundice and weight loss,she then developed pnuemonia.Was in hospital 2 wks and i heard nothing from pils,no offer of help or support.When we finally got to bring ourbaby home they wanted to invite themselves to stay a week-suffice to say this never happened.
I am going to tell you to let it go but admit i am finding it hard.

jugglingjo · 22/04/2011 17:50

On the whole I think life's too short to mind about who calls who, asks about who, or thanks who.
If you phone them then you could say it was nice they made the effort to come to DS's 1st birthday party. Hopefully they may then ask how he's feeling now. If not I'd just bring it up myself, as in " Shame he was a bit under the weather though, but thankfully he's feeling much better now thanks for asking "
In order to keep fundamentally good and important relationships going (eg. with grandparents) sometimes there has to be more give from one side and more take from the other.
Few relationships in life are truly 50/50.
Getting slightly religious a lot of grace and forgiveness is needed in life to oil the cogs and keep things creaking along !

DialsMavis · 22/04/2011 17:57

Oh dear, but surely the fact the were willing to travel some distance and pay for a hotel to watch a 1 year old not know it is even their birthday shows a fair bit of effort really? My family adore my DC but I don't think they would do that for a first birthday, they do however always ask after them especially if one isn't very well. I hope your DS is on the mend now [busmile]

Original poster
cheesespread · 22/04/2011 18:09

i suppose im just used to the way my parents are and the way my grandparents were with me

i do appreiciate they came up for his birthday

we will be going to them twice next month for MIL and BILs birthdays

the last time i brought it up with my OH that i was going to pull MIL about the snidey digs she makes to me it caused a massive argument so i havnt brought it up about her again

she s done a lot of things to annoy me but the lack of intrest in my son upsets me,maybe i should just let it go

DialsMavis- thankyou he s a lot better now ,he s passed it onto me though lol

OP posts:
TryLikingClarity · 22/04/2011 19:03

OP - I feel your pain, my PIL are similar to this and at times your posts sounded like my exact words!

My SIL (who is also totally useless) summed it up well and I won't forget it... she told me that it is natural for me and DH to adore our DC and think he is the best thing ever, but that is cuz we are his parents. Other people like him and love him, but aren't interested anywhere near as much in someone else's child, as the bond just isn't there. Hmm Yeah, thanks SIL....

exoticfruits · 22/04/2011 19:11

I expect they have read MN and are worried about being interfering. Phone them.

Original poster
cheesespread · 22/04/2011 19:36

we do phone them

OP posts:
jugglingjo · 23/04/2011 16:14

Hope things settle down with your IL's soon. Am I right in thinking your own parents can perhaps provide more of what you're looking for as grandparents to your DS ? Even if IL's see the role differently they may still have something positive to offer ? Good luck Wink

MrsDmamee · 23/04/2011 17:22

My PIL'S are lovely people..when DH and I had our 1st DS their 1st GC they were a little distant. I think they were unsure of how to be grandparents.

They rarely spent anytime with him or visited us. We made the effort to visit them instead. DS use to cry everytime FIL walked into a room so he would just keep walking afraid to look at my DS or upset him anymore. This went on for nearly a full year.

PILS have 3 GC now and I can see a difference in the way they act around their GC2(SIL's 15 mth old DS)..minding him once a week, taking him to nursery several times a week..FIL even lies on the floor playing with him.

I'm sad of course they where never as hands on with my DS when he was a baby. But they have a great relationship with him now and my DS adores staying overnight and getting spoiled.(Before our move abroad)
My newest DC doesnt know her Gp's at all as we have moved abroad. They havent seen her since she was 4 mths but they are planning to visit us just before her 1st birthday in the summer.

I would ring your PIL's let them know your DS is on the mend and thank them for making the effort to be there on his 1st birthday. Take small steps with them, they are still learning how to be grandparents.
As for MIL and her snidey comments try to smile and ignore dont let her words have power.
If they truely have no interest in your DS then just remember he is loved by you, your DH and other family members.

Herthatwas · 23/04/2011 17:23

Why does it matter so much to you? I doubt your dc noticed. Is it that you think they don't care about you?