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Was i being unreasonable to do this?

37 replies

WIBUtodothis · 21/04/2011 23:46

An old friend on facebook (deleted and blocked now) had a child 4 yrs ago who died 4 weeks after birth due to a genetic disorder. She said the hospital killed her. (long story short) She is still trying to get the hospital to say it was them who killed her daughter even though medical reports say it was due to a genetic disorder.

She had a son last year who is now just over 1yr old. Her son is not crawling or walking because he is either in his high chair/pushchair or bouncer all day every day whilst she posts pictures of 'Angel Babies' on her facebook wall after posting about 7-10 of these images posts about getting justice for hospitals killing babies. Her son subsequently suffers through this as he is left in front of CBeebies, she has pics on her facebook of her son and in each picture he is either eating chocolate or chips. He is always filthy (have seen this with own eyes) the house is a tip (by tip i mean The How clean is your house team would enjoy this task) she is now pregnant and smokes and drinks at least 3 glasses of wine a night. (shes told me this) she is under watch with local childrens services for numerous complaints of DV happening there - neighbours complaining about the family the day after she has been running down the street naked black and blue after her husband has beaten her up.

I felt i had to do something, nothing anyone said has made a difference, like when she is posting asking what to do today as bored, when people have made suggestion she goes to park with son she replies with oh no its dirty there and i daren't go out. (she does live in a very rough area, so dont blame her on this one)

So i contacted her local childrens services just to raise my concerns for her son and her unborn child.

WIBU. please dont slate me. i felt i had to do something as i know she avoids health visitors and social workers by pretending not to be in or going out deliberately to avoid them.

OP posts:

WIBUtodothis · 21/04/2011 23:46

Sorry i have name changed for this Blush
[Cod, sweetcorn river]

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 21/04/2011 23:54

YOu done the right thing by the children and her unborn child.

Don't beat yourself up about it, you know how she lives and it is not acceptable.


malibustac · 21/04/2011 23:57

Yanbu as far as childrens safety is concerned you had no option. Sounds like she is very depressed and some outside help will probably be a good thing. You can't feel guilty for trying to help


crashingwaves · 21/04/2011 23:57

I contacted SS once about a family, it was the right thing to do but I still felt like crap. You're not being unreasonable - if for whatever reason you've got it all wrong, SS will find that out x


justusfive · 22/04/2011 00:00

If it is found there is no case to answer then ss will close the case. On the other hand......... yanbu to report this. Be prepared for people to have a different opinion though. Mainly those who are in the same situation and see nowt wrong with it.


AgentZigzag · 22/04/2011 00:03

There's nothing wrong with the specific things you've said (being distressed about her babys death, watching the telly, posting on fb, eating choc/crisps, a toddler/house being a bit mucky, the area she lives in) so I'm presuming you're getting at there being more than meets the eye (apart from the DV).

So if there were, then IMO you weren't unreasonable.

You and other people have tried to say something to her, and if she's avoiding the help SS/HV could give her too at a time when she's struggling, perhaps another call to them was needed for them to prioritise her.


Birdsgottafly · 22/04/2011 00:36

You said quite a while back that you were going to block her. I posted on that thread asking you why you were still friends with her when you disliked her so much. You said in the last thread that her DP was still with her, so my response was that two parent are 'failing', if you honestly feel that there is a CP issue then report. If you are keeping in contact with her for the sake of the children, then fair enough. From your last thread i did feel that she has MH (of some sort) issues. I also said that she needed help and not the judgement that you seemed to enjoy giving her.


Birdsgottafly · 22/04/2011 00:38

She has a health condition doesn't she, the SW will be able to get her help, possibly Homestart. Did she sort out her rent arrears?


mamaz0n · 22/04/2011 00:44

Why make further reports if you know that she is already being dealt with by CP?


Birdsgottafly · 22/04/2011 00:53

If she is avoiding HV's and SW's another report is needed to generate a new referral. I think (from the last thread) she is a person who does need help.


mamaz0n · 22/04/2011 01:10

ahh ok, not seen any previous threads.

It just struck me as a little spiteful to call again despite knowing there was already a referal under way.


JarethTheGoblinKing · 22/04/2011 01:14

You have done the right thing, but only because it sounds like she really really needs some help and support. Sometimes reporting can be a good thing.

If there was already an existing investigation then you need not have bothered I think.

Fucking difficult though, she's obviously having a terrible time. :(


Birdsgottafly · 22/04/2011 01:30

I worry that if she has another DD it will impact on her further to the point were there may be a danger issue. I think that alot of her problems stem from the death of her DD. For others who did not read the other thread she also has serious health problems. This must make her feel vunerable and may expalin her staying with her DP, but of course he will be grieving as well. SS will look to keep the family together they will provide services to relieve the pressure.


ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 22/04/2011 01:39

I hope she gets the help she needs :(


MollyMurphy · 22/04/2011 01:53

You did the right thing - CS will be able to assess and hopefully link mom to some help. You shouldn't be ashamed about being an advocate for a child who has no voice. If there is no problem then that is for CS to decide.


southofthethames · 22/04/2011 02:12

Sounds like both parents need a bit of a reality check. YANBU.


bochead · 22/04/2011 02:52

Would a child bereavement counselling service contact number not have been of more benefit to the woman? Children's wards sadly always have a list of these services. I'd contact a woman's doctor in these circumstances or give her the relevant helplin number, but I would call Social services, especially not if they are already involved but nothing is changing for the kids.

I can't imagine how I'd react if my child died, but I can see it tipping me over over the mental health ledge. It sounds as if she's ill, and if so it's the health professionals she needs. Many a good mother and great marriage has cracked under the strain of the death of a child.

I'll hug my own bairn and leave others to hoick up the judgey pants.


WIBUtodothis · 22/04/2011 11:29

No she doesnt have health problems. Her children her first DD and her son and her unborn child all needed/will need an operation to put right a genetic disorder. (cant remember for the life of me what it is, but im sure its something to do with the bowl) She doesnt have a health problem - apart from smmoking and drinking whilst pregnant.

Her husband is a waste of space he stays in bed all day til gone 2pm, cos he is on his PS3/XBox til gone 3-4am everyday. He would rather stay in bed all day than go out and provide for their family.

To the Poster who asked about their rent - no they didn't get it sorted, she is waiting for someone 'high' up in the council who her family know to help her out. But buying her Iphone 2 weeks ago was more important than paying off her rent arrears.

She has Health Visitors and Social Workers going to her house often but she avoids them, by standing up stairs quietly so they think she is out. (Is she hiding something?) She has told me this because she says she doesn't want them snobby bastards in her home - her words not mine.

I just thought calling the childrens services might get someone to go out unannounced and that it may give her the kick up the backside she needed.

OP posts:

WIBUtodothis · 22/04/2011 11:30

bowel - not bowl.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 22/04/2011 11:41

You said last time that she was in a bungalow because of her arthritis. I remenber asking if she was on medication beacause some arthritis meds have been proven to cause depression (on top of all her other problems).


WIBUtodothis · 22/04/2011 12:00

No she was dismissing rental options because she suffers from arthritis, she was saying she would only move into a bungalow.

OP posts:

itsabiggywhatdoidonow · 22/04/2011 12:11

you know you are NBU. you did the right thing


ColonelBrandonsBiggestGroupie · 22/04/2011 12:30

Tbh it sounds as if 'a kick up the backside' isn't what she needs at all. You are being v judgemental about her tbh and sound less concerned about the child than about somehow wanting to get them caught out imho. She clearly needs support though and sounds depressed - hopefully your call will get her help.


jojowest · 22/04/2011 13:21

you were right, anyone who has concerns about a child should act on them


BabyYoureAFirework · 22/04/2011 14:08

As much as I agree with the poster above, it does sound like you're more concerned with being all judgy about the parents, than the welfare of the child.

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