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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get annoyed with other children telling tales on my son?

67 replies

mummymendez · 21/04/2011 19:42

I've got a really good friend who has a DD exactly same age as my DS (nearly 5). We went round to her house and while they were playing together, her daughter was constantly running up to me and telling tales on my son.

Example 'he is sticking his tongue out at me', 'he is telling me he doesn't want to play with me' etc.

Yes he is my PFB, but I do know that he can be naughty/cheeky/rude sometimes and I tell him off when I think I need to, so I imagine that, yes, he was doing those things. But to be honest I was getting annoyed after the 50th time she came over to tell me what he was doing.

My friend just looked at me each time it happened and waited for me to respond to it. Most of the time I didn't think that the offence was serious enough to warrant me saying anything to DS so I just said something like 'oh dear' or 'never mind' and continued with my conversation with other adults.

I think what bugged me the most is that, knowing the two children, they prob both said or did an equal amount of nasty things to each other as children do but my DS didn't come and 'tell' once - he just got on with it and sorted it out between them in contrast to my friend's DD who came over about 50 times! So it looked like my child was the terribly behaved one and she was the angel.

Friend did acknowledge that her DD was telling tales a lot but she said there was nothing she could do about it as the school she goes to (DD also in reception year but diff school) had taught the children to tell the teacher if another child does something naughty.

It is not a big deal and won't affect our good friendship but I did wonder if I could have handled it better and stuck up for my DS a bit more as he was being painted (unfairly in my opinion) as this really naughty person.

OP posts:

ifitsnotanarse · 22/04/2011 11:31

Oh bumpsoon that is so true. The one time you cut the tattle tale of before they start is the one time DS had done something bad, fallen, been where he shouldn't be. Hope the egg went down without too much pain.

princessparty · 22/04/2011 11:40

But you are at their house , presumably playing with little girl's toys and your DS won't let her play and is being rude to her!
I think you need to work on your own DS's social skills big time before criticising this child who may be feeling intimidated and genuinely asking for adult help rather than being tattle tale

diddl · 22/04/2011 11:48

I feel quite sorry for the little girl tbh.

There is surely some compromise somewhere?

If what she was saying is true & she doesn´t like it-why shouldn´t she tell someone?

Why should a boy who is visiting stick his tongue out & nothing is done?

diddl · 22/04/2011 11:49

Perhaps they still neeed supervising?

Bringonthegoat · 22/04/2011 12:47

Agree with the last 2 posters - if your son is being rude (which you admit he is) prehaps your energy would be better spent addressing that?

FattyAcid · 22/04/2011 12:49

Age 5 is pretty young to be able to handle all social situations.

I would not have a problem with a child "telling tales". Kids need support in dealing with behaviour from other children that they don't like. Training them up to address the behaviour with the child in question in an appropriate way is a great skill ie the "

bitsyandbetty · 22/04/2011 12:50

My DD is a tell-tale so are most of her friends. I tell her not to but would be surprised if any of my friends go upset about her tales. She is a small child.

sleepywombat · 22/04/2011 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anothermadamebutterfly · 22/04/2011 18:44

Am I missing something here - surely a 5 yo can deal with another child sticking his tongue out at her without having to have help from adults??

Anyway, she could well have been sticking hers out too for all you know.

I like the 'wow' option, or a 'oh dear, how sad' or 'yuck' to the tongue sticking out, if your friend can't deal with that then your friendship is ultimately doomed.

sleepingsowell · 22/04/2011 18:59

I think two four-year-olds need supervising alot of the time in order for a play-date to go harmoniously.
Your son sounds as if he was misbehaving.
Kids of this age need to know that they can and should tell an adult when things are happening that they are not happy with. Four year olds need an adult to help them most of the time. Being told not to 'tell tales' is not helpful at this age imo. They need FIRST to learn that they come to adults when in trouble.
In the later primary years they are ready for more of the nuances around friendship, loyalty etc and ready to deal with more of their own battles.
So I think it was inappropriate of you to think the girl's behaviour was wrong. More focus should have been put on helping your son to behave appropriately than on criticising the little girl for doing something she should be at this age.

Tanith · 22/04/2011 19:11

I tell them it makes me really sad to hear about children being naughty and I want them to tell me when someone's being good.

I then pay little attention to the naughty tales and praise both good behaviour and the little messenger who told me about it. Seems to work for us :)

muminthemiddle · 22/04/2011 20:41

Wow- I have just had a completely strange child ring my doorbell several times whilst knocking at my door. She looked about 4-5. She then proceeds to tell me that my ds has told her he doesn't like her jacket!!! wtf.
I looked at her as if to say wtf are you bothering complaining to me, a total stranger for!!!

Apparently she is visiting a neighbour futher up the street. I was gob smacked tbh so told her to just ignore him and play with someone else.

muminthemiddle · 22/04/2011 20:41

Oh yanbu btw I hate tell tales too.

southeastastra · 22/04/2011 20:51

i lose it with them knocking and lost it today, told a girl 'if he (my son) is such a pain in the arse why are you playing with them and in my day we sorted things out outselves' she knocked again later wanting something else or other.

i find it really strange that they have no fear of knocking on strangers doors to report. i could be a mad lunatic for all they know.

southeastastra · 22/04/2011 20:52

ha Tanith that is fab advice will do that. it's constant knocking here, they make things up as they know ds gets wound up.

Tryharder · 22/04/2011 22:24

I think one of the problems is that it is drummed into them at school that they must always tell a teacher if another child misbehaves towards them so of course they take it to the extreme.....

I have always been on the dismissive side with tales and have always told my DS1 to stop telling tales or making a fuss about nothing when he has reported bad behaviour on the part of other children.

However, that bit me on the bum some months back when he told me in a park that another child (a neighbour of a friend of a friend) had called him a name. I said quite dismissively that he shouldn't worry about it and to ignore it. I later found out that the child in question had called my son a "Black Paki".

I really wish that I had listened to him and respected his complaint.... Luckily I don't think DS1 really understood or recollected what he had been called and am sure that the girl in question who was only 7 was only repeating things heard at home. However, it would have been nice to have had the opportunity to have complained to her carers at the park.

OldMumsy · 22/04/2011 22:27

They are kids and you are presumably grown ups?

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