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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get annoyed with other children telling tales on my son?

67 replies

mummymendez · 21/04/2011 19:42

I've got a really good friend who has a DD exactly same age as my DS (nearly 5). We went round to her house and while they were playing together, her daughter was constantly running up to me and telling tales on my son.

Example 'he is sticking his tongue out at me', 'he is telling me he doesn't want to play with me' etc.

Yes he is my PFB, but I do know that he can be naughty/cheeky/rude sometimes and I tell him off when I think I need to, so I imagine that, yes, he was doing those things. But to be honest I was getting annoyed after the 50th time she came over to tell me what he was doing.

My friend just looked at me each time it happened and waited for me to respond to it. Most of the time I didn't think that the offence was serious enough to warrant me saying anything to DS so I just said something like 'oh dear' or 'never mind' and continued with my conversation with other adults.

I think what bugged me the most is that, knowing the two children, they prob both said or did an equal amount of nasty things to each other as children do but my DS didn't come and 'tell' once - he just got on with it and sorted it out between them in contrast to my friend's DD who came over about 50 times! So it looked like my child was the terribly behaved one and she was the angel.

Friend did acknowledge that her DD was telling tales a lot but she said there was nothing she could do about it as the school she goes to (DD also in reception year but diff school) had taught the children to tell the teacher if another child does something naughty.

It is not a big deal and won't affect our good friendship but I did wonder if I could have handled it better and stuck up for my DS a bit more as he was being painted (unfairly in my opinion) as this really naughty person.

OP posts:

pingu2209 · 21/04/2011 23:36

It is very common for children to tell tails on each other. I have a rule when I have a tell tail tit come round, which I say infront of the other mum with an explanation of, I can't bear tell tail tits, I find them as irritating as naughty behaviour.

I say to the child, "you can only tell on the other child/children 5 times. Any more than that and I will not come out and tell off. Pick the 5 times very carefully."

They don't understand straight off, but after each time they come back I say you only have 4, 3, 2, 1 time to come and tell tails.

Once they have used all 5 up, I literally will not go and 'sort out' any issues.

It doesn't take long for the tell tail tit to get the message!

Asinine · 21/04/2011 23:47

If any child tells me 'x did y' even if it's two of my own, I say 'don't tell me, tell them'. So they go back to x and say 'stop doing y, it hurts/it's annoying' or whatever. It works, and they learn to assert themselves, which is good for anti bullying at school when you're not there. Sometimes the younger ones need to be fed some lines while they're learning this.

I've said that to friends dcs in front of mums and no ones ever had a problem.

I'm not prepared to be judge and jury for events I've not even witnessed. Imagine having grown up children phoning you up saying 'x did y'. Nip it in the bud.

LostInSockLand · 22/04/2011 00:02

I get this all the time with dd and her friend. They'll be in the garden...I hear a a scream (normally dd). Her friend will come in "LISL, your dd is being mean, she chucked my shoe over the fence"...in comes dd "Mummmmmmeeeeee, (friend) is being mean, she threw her shoe at me".

Me: "Ok, lets hear what happened from both of you together". Oh and doesn't the story always change. This example would normally turn out to be that they had both been playing catch with a shoe (not that they should be but still)...after this they'll tootle off outside and all is forgotten, I dont even need to say anything!

After about the fifth time I tell them they aren't babies and can sort it out between them, after that I tell them if they cant play nice then today's play is cancelled.

Rosebud05 · 22/04/2011 00:14

I sort of agree with the points that young children need varying amounts of help with understanding complex social situations and dealing with them.

So in the 'he called me a name' example
I tend to say, 'did you like that?'
'No'
'well, maybe try telling x that you don't like to be called names'
y goes off to tell x that they don't like being called names
they're forgotten about it by now and moved on to something else

This teaches them to stand up for themselves and negotiate their own boundaries which are actually very difficult social negotiations that many, many adults can't manage successfully.

As they get older then, yes, don't want to know unless someone's really upset, hurt or something's broken.

chipmonkey · 22/04/2011 00:30

I think they are encouraged to "tell tales" in school as not doing so results in bullies getting away with it because no-one tells. It is irritating though when some of them don't know the difference between telling on a bully and telling on someone who just does something mildly irritating.

Original poster

mummymendez · 22/04/2011 08:47

Thanks everyone, there were some really helpful suggestions and ideas. I especially like the 'Wow' and the 'don't tell me, tell them' responses. My friend is lovely and so is her DD so now that I have a plan of how to handle this, it will make spending time together a lot easier and enjoyable. xx

OP posts:

pinkthechaffinch · 22/04/2011 09:56

Tell tale tit
your tongue shall be slit
and all the dogs in england
Shall have a little bit

Teach your ds this!

Tortington · 22/04/2011 09:58

"bugger off and sort it out between you - don't come telling me anything unless one of you is bleeding"

Pagwatch · 22/04/2011 10:05

I remember over hearing a girl telling dd she was going to tell on her. It was horrible.

" you kicked the tv"
" I didn't mean it"
"I am going to tell your mum. You'll be in trouble"
"oh don't, please don't"
"I am. I'm going to tell. She will be angry. You're going to be in big trouble"

She had a face like a little angel too.
The conversation didn't go quite as she planned.

ivykaty44 · 22/04/2011 10:08

Did you not tell the little girl she was being a tell tale?

Pagwatch · 22/04/2011 10:11

Of course I did. But I wasn't in the room and waited to see if she actually did come to me to tell tales.
she may have just been threatening -which was shitty enough but I would have thought slightly better of things if she hadn't actually done it. But sure enough.

Pagwatch · 22/04/2011 10:12

oh you mean op, ivy

WassaAxolotlEgg · 22/04/2011 10:25

Don't go for something oversimplified like, "you're being a tell-tale". (To be fair to her, at that point, I think I was. " )

When I was a child, another child's mother told me that, and so inadvertently created a situation where I put up with her son telling me extremely upsetting things like, "your parents have split up because your father hated the sight of you", "your mother tried to kill your dad". Given I knew they'd split up, because my mother had suffered DV, and my father had been the violent one, these hit a nerve, every time.

WassaAxolotlEgg · 22/04/2011 10:31

And I'm quite sure that she didn't intend that.

HerHissyness · 22/04/2011 10:36

Love the 5-4-3-2-1 Idea!

DS has a friend that does it and it's really irritating, he squirts water all over DS, gets ONE squirt back, and comes tittletattling. I'll try that 5 rule.

worriermum · 22/04/2011 10:45

I agree with teh posters who are advocating a generalised "oh dear" or "ask him not to do that if it bothers you" approach. Especially if you couple your words with "I really am not very interested" body language.

Another approach I have found useful in this situation is to give your vaguest "I want everyone to play nicely please" command in the general direction of all the children. This is intensely irritating for the tittle tattler as it implies she/he has some culpability too, and is not stern enough to upset your own DC.

ivykaty44 · 22/04/2011 10:45

Yes I did mean the op but I am wanting to know the rest of your story now...

Mobly · 22/04/2011 10:51

Well sticking your tongue out isn't great, telling tales isn't great either. But no behaviour was worth making a fuss so I think ignoring both was the way forward. You don't want to make a fuss over your DS but you expect your friend to make a fuss over something equally trivial.

Sportsmum · 22/04/2011 10:59

Quite often with tell tales we turn it back on them and say "and what did you do to them?" The embarrassed or guilty "nothing" is quite often enough to stop them. Mind you we also used the "are you hurt, are you bleeding - well it didn't sound very nice so you better come in here and sit down away from them?" But I love the count down system.

ivykaty44 · 22/04/2011 11:13

If someone sticks there tounge out the answer is to tell the tale telling chidl to say

"yuk don't put that horrid thing back in your mouth it looks disgusting!"

activate · 22/04/2011 11:16

You say to child "Oh dear and what do you think you should do about it" or "Well go and ask him to play nicely" or "go and sort it out yourself sweetheart" all with huge fake smile on face and ignore

some kids are natural policeman

activate · 22/04/2011 11:17

also "when there's blood or a limb hanging off you may come and tell me"

bumpsoon · 22/04/2011 11:19

I am definately in the 'oh dear ,how sad' brigade , can you really imagine a teacher putting up with 30 five year olds telling on each other for every minor misdemeanor?
I was once looking after my friends children and they were all squabbling and tale telling all morning as siblings are apt to , after several hours of this ,one came running into the house and started , i said 'im not interested unless there is blood !' and bundled child out of door and as i was shutting it, she said ' there isnt any blood but she isnt moving ' , I nearly vomited there and then , the tale was that so and so had pushed do dar , what they hadnt had chance to say was that do dar had fallen head first into a lamp post and was now lieing motionless on the floor !!!!!!! Do dar was absolutely fine , except for the massive egg on the front of her head !

ifitsnotanarse · 22/04/2011 11:23

Its flipping annoying. Two children on our road are forever knocking on my door telling tales and I know half are made up! They usually come knocking when DS1 doesn't want to play with them, though there are times when DS1 is rude and then I make sure he says sorry. What really annoys me is that both children say and do far more nasty things to my son and the other kids than anyone does to them but their parents think they are little angels .
When they come knocking I ask try to find out what exactly happened and find out that it is six of one and half a dozen of the other, get them all to say sorry and finish with "friends don't fight with friends do they?". Usually works for all of 2 minutes .

Yummygummybear · 22/04/2011 11:28

My DS (5) is a tell tale and there doesn't seem to be a lot I can do about it.

I have told him to stop telling tales & that his friends won't want to play with him anymore if he carries on but it just seems to be his nature.

Most of the time he isn't expecting anything to be done, he will come up to me, tell a tale & I'll say I don't care 'ok' and then he runs off again.
I have given him strict instructions to not tell to the other child's parent though as that really annoys me

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