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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say me and the DDs can't go to this wedding?

37 replies

RobynLou · 21/04/2011 12:07

DH is best man for his v good friend in july, they haven't sent out official invites yet but we've recently been told where it is - in the middle of nowhere.

we don't drive and like most people with 2 small children and one adult on mat leave, we're not rolling in cash...

going would in involve train and long taxi journey for me on my own with the girls (3 and 10weeks) DH has to stay at the venue the night before the wedding. We'd then have to pay for accommodation on the night of the wedding as there's no way we'd get there and back in a day, and this is not a place with any cheap accommodation nearby - just lots of lovely (expensive) guesthouses.

DH met with his friend and his fiancee and told them we didn't think me and the girls would be able to come to the wedding, they were very unhappy apparently, they 'put themselves out' to be at ours (a wedding held in all of ours home town so everyone could get home) and don't see why we can't do the same.

as DH is best man should we spend more money than we've spent on our summer holiday on being at the wedding? I think not but what is the mn verdict?

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 21/04/2011 12:10

The comment about hoe they put themselves out would be enough for me to say stuff them tbh. Let DH go on his own.

MissJanuary · 21/04/2011 12:12

Do not even contemplate missing out on your summer holiday to attend this wedding. Your friends should realise you are just not able to financially do it.

If you cannot afford it, don't go, just have your husband attend.

Real friends would understand, or help offer to find some better priced accomodation.

PonceyMcPonce · 21/04/2011 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vintageteacups · 21/04/2011 12:13

I don't think that with a 10 week old, you're being unreasonable at all.
Nor should they be - people get so precious about their own wedding (sort of understandable) but it's not nice to make you feel guilty for not going.

Are you good friends with the wife to be? If not, I wouldn't worry.
My SIL stayed home last weekend whilst her DH went to his best uni mate's wedding. He wasn't the best man but they were fine about it.

The only thing I could think that would make it easier is if your DH didn't stay overnight with him before hand - don't understand why he has to to be honest when your baby is so young- if you all went together, that might seem a bit easier?

The cost thing though would make me not go (if I coudln't afford it). They are being impolite to say they're disappointed by you not going; for all they know you could have PND, be ill or anything.

The polite way to accept a wedding reply is not to say anything and ask why someone's not going; that's plain rude. Also, on your reply, it's the done thing to simply say thank you for the invite but unfortunately, only your DH will be attending. They shoudl then leave it at that.

bubblecoral · 21/04/2011 12:13

If you can't afford it you can't afford it, there isn't much more to it than that.

But if you can afford it, even if it's a little stretch, you should go. If they are close enough to you that dh is best man, then they are good friends, and I think if you care about your friends you make the effort to be there for them at the significant times in their lives.

LittlePickleHead · 21/04/2011 12:13

So you are saying that DH can go without you?
YANBU at all. If they know you can't afford it, guilt tripping you into spending loads of money is really horrible. And the 'put themselves out' comment is pretty spiteful as well.

If they really want you there then they should find ways to make it happen (e.g. offering to pay for accommodation) rather than trying to force you to attend through obligation...

JaneS · 21/04/2011 12:15

They sound rude - but could you perhaps get a lift with someone else? If it's in the middle of nowhere presumably everyone else is pissed off too getting taxis or driving in, and maybe someone could at least save you that cost?

Champersonice · 21/04/2011 12:16

Suggest if they were to offer to pay for you and your family, you wouldn't miss it for the world!!

CareyFakes · 21/04/2011 12:16

YANBU, I wouldn't go in those circumstances. DH will still be there and represent the family, if they are that put out, then let them come up with a solution.

hocuspontas · 21/04/2011 12:17

The trouble with men is though they can't always put across, well, empathically. They tell it like it is whereas us women can say how much we were really looking forward to it, string it out, then say we really can't afford it after paying for our holiday. Hope they understand etc. We'll be there in spirit etc. but the journey and accomodation is out of the question at the moment. I just wonder whether it was the way he told them that he got that response. But obviously YANBU and I hope they get over it and don't make it uncomfortable for your DH.

jojowest · 21/04/2011 12:19

i wouldnt go, tbh they wont even miss you on the day, unless you and OH are the only guests

Bunbaker · 21/04/2011 12:20

It's a tricky one. It is their special day so they should be able to choose where they want to have it. On the other hand they need to take into account whether the guests are able to get there, and I do think it is unreasonable of them to expect all of you to be there.

When OH and I got married we had the reception in a dive of a hotel because it was within walking distance of the church (most people had come on the train and we couldn't provide transport). I have to say that the choice of venue did put a damper on the day, but at least it was only one day. We are still together 30 years on.

Journey · 21/04/2011 12:20

YANBU

I don't understand people who decide to have their wedding venue in an out of the way place and then expect everybody to come.

It would be a lot of hassle for you with a baby and a 3 year old just getting there never mind the cost.

I'd just tell them that if the wedding had been at a more convenient location then of course we would of come.

bubblecoral · 21/04/2011 12:20

Why are they rude just because they express dissapointment that some of their closest friends can't share one of the biggest events of their lives with them. Maybe they did put themselves out to be at OP's wedding. Where's the harm in them pointing that out. It shows that they care enough about OP and her dh to do that.

They do need to be understanding of the financial situation and of the fact that OP has a small baby, but I don't think the fact that they are disspointed that their wedding might not be attended by the wife and two children of their best man makes them rude.

Original poster
RobynLou · 21/04/2011 12:21

the money does exist, but it would mean dipping into savings which I really don't want to do, we only have v meagre savings - meant for emergencies, and I don't think this is an emergency.

they are both good friends of ours, and I'm very fond of them both, I would love to be there, but I just feel like it's too much.

DH staying over is non-negotiable...

they're normally lovely, but they haven't got kids and both have v well paid jobs and so just don't get why it might be difficult for me to be there.

OP posts:
jenga079 · 21/04/2011 12:25

If you're all from the same home town is there anyone else going who could give you and the kids a lift there? That might be cheaper and easier if you want to go

Original poster
RobynLou · 21/04/2011 12:30

I thought of getting a lift, but me + 2 children in car seats pretty much fills up a car so it would have to be someone driving on their own really, and everyone's a couple.

even if we could squeeze in somewhere we no longer live in 'the home town' so any lift would involve me + kids + carseats on the train before getting a lift...

OP posts:
everyspring · 21/04/2011 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 21/04/2011 12:33

Good friends don't guilt trip you so if they're good friends then they'll understand if you make the decision not to go.

Going to a wedding in your own town is a lot less hassle than going to a wedding in the middle of nowhere, especially when you have kids to deal with as well.

It's an invitation not a court summons. YANBU if you don't go.

vintageteacups · 21/04/2011 12:37

There is no reson why they cannot air their disappointment of OP and the 2 girls not going, just that they were rude with it Saying that they went all out for their wedding, impllies OP sin't going all out when she should be.

My cousin (who I hardly ever see or speak to) is getting married this year and there wedding is quite complicated logistically. They have tried to give good solutions though but to make it cheaper and easier for us, we're just going for the day and not staying into the night or over in a hotel.

robynlou is there not a travel lodge/premier inn nearby or other budget hotel (well, not that travel lodge are exactly budget nowadays)

vintageteacups · 21/04/2011 12:38

Could you not buy them a wedding gift and pay for the travel instead?

KingCnut · 21/04/2011 12:39

I'm not sure I understand... if your DH will be staying at the venue the night before and the night of the wedding then could you not all got together the day before and stay over both nights in your DH's room?

Vallhala · 21/04/2011 12:41

What FAB said. They're very rude and are expecting too much. I wouldn't want to go and socialise with people who spoke to me or my OH like that.

Original poster
RobynLou · 21/04/2011 12:41

the nearest travelodge type place is 20miles from the venue

I really have looked into ways of making it happen - I would love to go - but there isn't a way that doesn't involve lots of money.

and I'm making their present (not as awful as it sounds - promise!)

OP posts:
sausagesandmarmelade · 21/04/2011 12:42

you have a 10 week old baby...good enough reason not to go given the circumstances.

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