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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Really need some advice please

37 replies

brunettemum83 · 21/04/2011 08:55

Ok so i have been with my partner for almost 4 years we are due to marry in 4 months, we decided to move in together a few weeks back in preparation for married life, obviously this has caused a financing change as my benefits stopped.
So he earns 22k a year and i told him he has to contribute to the bills now he lives here all i get now is ctc of £144 and cb of £33 that wont even cover my rent and council tax so i called all the company's that i pay bills to got the lowest payment schemes ect and told him he needs to pay £470 per month and he is complaining that he could rent somewhere on his own with bills included for less than that ! i have 2 children one has ASD so my small saving grace is that she get dla once a month but only low rate so £150 a month which really doesn't go far , He says i should split the bills straight down the middle but he is on so much more money than me, I also cant work at the moment due to a muscle condition that looks set to last another year before i can return to work,
I could probably scrimp to pay 50/50 with him but then i would have no money for myself at all im really scared when we get married that he is not going to pay his share and we will loose our home ect , I have always had my own money and i dont know if i could handle not even having £5 of my own to do as i pleased with, what should i do tell him its £470 or your out.. or just give up my bit of independence and pay half straight out a little advice would be great x

OP posts:

coco2901 · 21/04/2011 08:59

How much is your income being reduced by and your outgoings increasing by as a direct result of him moving in? Just want some more facts before I give an opinion...

Eggphemia · 21/04/2011 09:00

YANBU: no way the bills should be split 50-50 if he earns a lot more than you.

I would be seriously worried if I was about to marry someone with his attitude: "I could rent somewhere on my own with bills included for less than that."!!!???

He doesn't sound ready for the commitment.

I think you need to set out a budget: what's coming in, what's going out, and talk through it together. Work out what percentage of the income is from you and what percentage is from him, then split the bills according to those percentages.

If he doesn't like it, point him in the direction of a letting agent.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 21/04/2011 09:01

Your due to get married a d is complaining he could rent cheaper on his own. WTF????

Either you are joining together or not.

hairylights · 21/04/2011 09:03

Dont marry him. Please please dont. im serious its a very serious commitment and if you cant agree o this fundamental point then you are headimg for all manner of problems. At least not until he is prepared to take on his share of the cost of family life. And I'd like to find out where he can live for less than £470 per month

cory · 21/04/2011 09:03

Sorry, but this really does not sound like a man who is ready for the huge commitment of marriage. He is in the process of getting hitched to you "for better for worse" but he is still whingeing that he could live cheaper as a single man. I'd encourage him to go off and do precisely that.

Quite regardless of the actual financial arrangements (and couples have different ways of solving these), he simply hasn't thought through what he is committing himself to in taking on a family. I would not go there if I were you.

TrillianAstra · 21/04/2011 09:06

What is he going to be like if you get married?

Why would you marry someone who is going ot be selfish with their money?

If you are together and have children, especially if one of you can't work due to health or childcare reasons, then all money should go into a big pot for household expenses (including all expenses relating to the children) and any left over should be split equally, so you both have the same amount of spending money to do as you like with.

emsyj · 21/04/2011 09:07

Agree, don't marry him. Disagreements about money are deep-rooted and therefore exceptionally hard to resolve.

hanaka88 · 21/04/2011 09:07

My DP and me just share money. We live together, are not married and I have an ASD son :) I pay most of the bills etc as my wage is higher but he pays for other things. We both end up with no money at the end of the month.

Money shouldn't be this much of an issue if he wants to be with you.

susall · 21/04/2011 09:08

If he does not want to help you support you and your kids financially then he should not have agreed to marry you! He knew the situation from the start and now is reluctant to help, it will always be his money not the houses and that can never work out well in the long term. At least you can sort this out now before you decide to get married to him. Good luck.

squeakytoy · 21/04/2011 09:12

If this is his attitude now, then what are you expecting once you are married?

BeakerTheMuppetMuppet · 21/04/2011 09:15

I don't think you should marry this bloke either. Yet.

Has he moved straight from his parents to your place? He sounds a bit naive to me.
From what you've said here it seems he has no idea how much things cost. £470 rent incl bills? wouldn't we all like to know where that place is?

I think you should be sitting down and working out how much exactly is coming into the house, how much NEEDS to go out, and then work from there.

I do understand where you are coming from about having your own money. I was a LP for over 10yrs before I met my DH. I don't have a paid job now, and it IS hard to adjust to not having your own named income, but your DP should be working WITH you on that, not against you!

If he refuses - then it would be a boot up the arse from me too.

fedupofnamechanging · 21/04/2011 09:20

If you marry someone who has DC, then you must accept that they are a package deal and that children are expensive to feed and clothe etc. If he's not prepared to join your family totally then you really shouldn't marry him.

You are only in this financial position because he is moving in. Can he not see what this will cost you? Why should you be worse off because he doesn't want to contribute properly? A man who will see you and your children live in poverty, while he keeps all his money, is not a man who loves you and be a good SD to your children.

Seems to me that he gets all the benefits in this arrangement and you lose out.

He doesn't sound ready or fully involved with your family, so if I was you I'd have a proper, serious conversation with complete honesty regarding what you expect from him in the future. You need him to be clear as to what he's committing too. I'd definitely not get married yet or let him move in until he's properly on board with what family life and marriage means.

meditrina · 21/04/2011 09:22

It's not so much how you arrange your finances that matters, but it is vital that you agree on how it's done. And clearly you don't. And from what you've posted, it doesn't look as if he realises that with marriage you are forming a new joint unit where the old idea of "his" and "hers" is inapplicable (and I speak as someone whose finances are largely separate from DH, but with whom I have our own agreements on who pays what and a commitment that resources "belong" to both of us and are all available for support of the family).

This isn't going to be fixed by marrying. You need to sort it out before you marry him. If he isn't going to share his worldly goods, is he really committing to a marriage?

Xales · 21/04/2011 09:29

Agree with everyone else.

Please put your wedding off for at least a year. Better to marry later when everything is sorted and you are both happy than to divorce or stay in a dreadful marriage.

Is it always going to be a case of his money and yours?

Relationships can work with his and her money but only on a fair split where one partner is not struggling. You will end up resentful that every penny you have is spent on house/kiddies/food etc while he has loads left over for erm him To be honest what sort of partner wants to sit by and let their OH struggle while they have loads left over too!!

If this is his immediate attitude what is he going to do with his spare money? Go down the pub? Out with mates? While you sit at home with your DC and iron?

JaneS · 21/04/2011 09:36

I hate to go against the consensus, but I am a bit shocked. I live somewhere really expensive, and 470 around here would certainly get a single person somewhere to live with bills included - DH and I only pay 670 for the two of us (bills not included). So, although I can see why others are saying he's being mean (he is!) and that he should be committed to you and your children as his family (he should!), I can also understand his reaction may be coming from shock.

I think you need to talk to him and work out what had been expecting and why he is surprised. If he is serious about you, of course he should be prepared to share money - that is a marriage. I do think, actually, that I would be a bit upset if someone 'told' me I had to pay 470 to them - I think maybe if you'd worked through the finances together, might not have the same way. I do think sharing the financial discussions (not just 'telling' someone) is as important in a marriage as sharing the actual money.

JaneS · 21/04/2011 09:37

ahem. When I say 'I live somewhere really expensive', I do not mean 'oh my god, I have a private pool and all', I mean I live in a city where rents are high. Hope that's clear!

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 21/04/2011 09:38

Jeez, sounds like this is going to be a marriage from hell! I would not marry him. Gut instinct is that if he can't deal with the money issues he will resent paying for anything which will benefit the kids and your kids will always be YOUR kids, never ours. I would step away now.....

Just wondering, what rot of relationship does he ave with your kids? And oes their father not pay anything?

hairylights · 21/04/2011 09:41

Our rent is £450, the lowest locally £380 (for a not very nice flat in a not very nice place). We live in a relatively cheap area. We also have phone, water (£40), council tax (£100), elec (£60) and gas (£40 - on meter) to pay each month as essentials. One of is couldn't live on our own for £470.

JaneS · 21/04/2011 09:50

Are you in central London hairy?

I'm in Oxford, which is pretty expensive - still possible to rent a room for far, far less than 470.

You can't rent a while house for less than 470 ... though there are parts of the country where you can ... but a room? Easy.

OP - has he always lived in really cheap accommodation? If so, can you explain that he'll benefit from stuff like the privacy of your place, having a nice kitchen, or whatever?

Trifle · 21/04/2011 09:54

Who paid for all these bills previously, did housing benefit or whatever really cover everything? Are these two children his, if not what contribution does the kids dad make? Shouldnt you have worked all this out before he moved in. To be honest, I'd be pretty pissed off if I was him and suddenly got told to cough up £470 a month.

hairylights · 21/04/2011 09:56

No I am in the south Wales valleys . Cheap housing and cost of living. I'd love to know where you can rent a house for £450 in central London

JaneS · 21/04/2011 09:57

Sorry, I ought to clarify because I don't mean to turn this into one of those crappy competitive poorness threads - but it sounds to me as if this man is still living the way lots of single people in their 20s live, and hasn't adjusted his outlook. This may in itself be a bad thing. But I'm thinking a man who still gravitates to the sort of rented place where your bills are included (nice and easy), which quite likely means a place where he shares his kitchen with someone else, and a woman who 'tells' him what he has to pay, sounds like a plan for disaster.

wellwisher · 21/04/2011 09:57

Surely if you can't work because of illness you can also claim benefits for that? But I agree with the others: don't marry this man unless he demonstrates a major attitude adjustment. Lots of alarm bells at the moment!

hairylights · 21/04/2011 09:58

To be honest I hadn't thought about single room rental. Going rate here for that ... £300 - £400 PCM.

Original poster

brunettemum83 · 21/04/2011 10:00

My rent is £134 per week our ct is £1600 a year we then have gas ,electric,water,tv licence,and internet i tried to break it down to him so he understands i do agree with some of the posts above i think part of it might have been shock he thought because i wasn't working i would still be able to claim jsa while i looked not realising he would be expected in the eyes of the government to support us .
He is a great guy ( apart from this )
he is a fantastic sd to my girls and has stepped in where there own fathers let them down i have applied for maintenace from them (even though i didnt want to )
He said to me before he left for work this morning that he would look at his finaces juggle some stuff around and see what he can do he thinks he can manage £400 pm untill he has finished paying of a loan in a few months then he will up his payments i cant really complain about that can i ? as he took the loan out to help me and my girls move to a better area and took us on holiday he does do everything else i need him to ,he will clean if i ask take care of the girls he buys them stuff they need if i cant afford it and will get shopping if i ask maybe im just being picky he does take care of us i think im just scared of loosing my independence i have never relied on any one but myself and put that trust in a mans hands worries me but your all right a good talk is in order to prioritise things on both our parts i think

OP posts:

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