Really need some advice please

[brunettemum83]

Ok so i have been with my partner for almost 4 years we are due to marry in 4 months, we decided to move in together a few weeks back in preparation for married life, obviously this has caused a financing change as my benefits stopped.
So he earns 22k a year and i told him he has to contribute to the bills now he lives here all i get now is ctc of £144 and cb of £33 that wont even cover my rent and council tax so i called all the company's that i pay bills to got the lowest payment schemes ect and told him he needs to pay £470 per month and he is complaining that he could rent somewhere on his own with bills included for less than that ! i have 2 children one has ASD so my small saving grace is that she get dla once a month but only low rate so £150 a month which really doesn't go far , He says i should split the bills straight down the middle but he is on so much more money than me, I also cant work at the moment due to a muscle condition that looks set to last another year before i can return to work,
I could probably scrimp to pay 50/50 with him but then i would have no money for myself at all im really scared when we get married that he is not going to pay his share and we will loose our home ect , I have always had my own money and i dont know if i could handle not even having £5 of my own to do as i pleased with, what should i do tell him its £470 or your out.. or just give up my bit of independence and pay half straight out a little advice would be great x

I am currently renting out a two bed garden flat in south London for £450 a month including bills

Agree with other posters, OP - you really need to get this sorted before you get married.

"...and told him he needs to pay £470 per month and he is complaining that he could rent somewhere on his own with bills included for less than that !"

I think that's the problem. He's moving into your home and you're telling him what he needs to pay, so he's feeling like it's an expensive let, rather than an equal share in the responsibilities. He needs to get out of the 'mind set' of a lodger, but I think you should be careful to ensure you treat him like an equal partner, and not someone who has to contribute to your bills. I hope that doesn't sound patronising - I'm not doing a very good job at saying what I'm trying to get at

hairy - no, I didn't say I was in central London! I asked if you were, as it's supposedly the only place that's more expensive than here. Round here you can rent rooms from 400 or so, quite easily, though they're not very nice.
The point is, it's a totally different attitude you have to take if you're single, and it sounds as if this man doesn't really understand that. He may have heard people say that living together lowers your expenses - which is often does, but presumably he's moving into a place with the OP that is much nicer than wherever he is now, and he's not really realized that.

I do think his reaction may be shock though, because of the way the OP says she worked out what he needed to pay and told him.

Yeah he doesn't really understand he's taking on your kids as well as you does he? Even if you go back to work, you will always have some childcare cost. If he's not up for the full partnership I think you should not be considering living together let alone getting married. It will not work. I know you say he's nice but nice means looking at the family as a unit and working out that actually you have joint income not 'I earned it, it's mine mentality. He sounds quite immature TBH.

are you claiming carers for DD? thats another £55 for you a week if not. £470 sounds reasonable to me, that still elaves him a fair wack of money to do with as he wishes. Maybe you need to put all your money in a pot, work out all bills and split whats left.

Have you talked about a joint account, brunette? I would be a bit concerned that he may be being reasonable, or may see himself as 'letting' you have 400 - which isn't the right attitude.

Obviously you probably can't, and don't want to move given you have kids, but in a way it's easier if you do, because then it's not 'my' house and 'him' moving in, but 'our' house. Maybe you could still sit down and work out who will pay what bills, whether you'll keep x expense the same or change y, just as you would if you moved into a new place?

I don't know if that's a silly idea, but I think it's good to discuss these things because if he has agreed, for example, that you both pay into a joint account and the rent/electricity/water comes out of that, it's less easy for him later on to say 'oh, this month I can't pay 400'.

You really need to discuss this and make hime see that if he's going to marry you he has responsibility for your children as well. How have you managed to avoid this issue for so long?

I am in a simelar situation, married with two children from a previous relationship, one with ASD, and my dh and I pay almost the same amount into out joint account for bills. He has a much higher income than I do, and I also have the extra childrens expenses that he doesn't directly have. So he only pays a little more in regular bills than I do, but he pays for all the big one off expenses (like at the moment we are redecorating dc's rooms) and he pays for everything when we go out. He would never leave it so that I had nothing to spend on luxury type things or new clothes or had to struggle at all while he could spend what he wanted. If I need more money for anything he puts extra in the JA. But like I said, we do pay the same in bills. It works for us, would something like that work for you?

If he's still in the mindset of wanting to keep all his money for himself, you have a very tricky situation, and if he doesn't start to see that he's just going to have to deal with it, you are going to have serious problems when you marry.

Thanks everyone for your advice on reading back what i wrote i think i would have been shocked too if he had said it to me after all he was living with his mother and not paying nearly as much as here but she had no rent or mortgage to pay so he contributed to ct and brought his own food that was all she asked whereas here its a brand new apartment in the center of town next to all the transport links ect so rent is high by him moving in i loose hb, ctb and esa so we have to make up the difference until i can get back to work i think i will sit and have a good think today so later we can have a proper talk and work stuff out so were both happy

Wow, he doesn't seem to get that you are not students sharing a house - you are in a relationship. DH earns double what I earn as I took a part time job in a school to care for the kids. Once twins arrive in the summer I will be a SAHM as childcare would be too much. DH and I have 2 bank accounts - both joint. One is where the money is put for all direct debits to go out and the other is for food, petrol and extras. All earnings are our money not an individual's.

To be honest, I'm surprised he's not jumping at the chance to move out from his mum's and live in a brand new place in the town centre!

So he's been living with his mother up until now - and she's been subsidising him.

IF he moves in with you, you not only lose all your benefits due to his salary, but he will expect you to subsidise him.

Please don't do this.

It's not the money per se, it is the fact that he does not seem to realise he will have to do some pretty quick growing up if he is to move from the attitude of single man living with mum to father of a family.

He simply cannot allow himself to deal with crises by whining that he'd have an easier time at home with his mum: of course he would! but he is choosing the more difficult route of marriage and fatherhood. He needs to be aware of that.

But agree with LRD that you need to make sure he is involved in all discussions on an equal basis, not made to feel you make the decisions for him or do all the fact finding for him. You are not his mother.