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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about my inter faith relationship

47 replies

smallmotherbigheart · 20/04/2011 23:53

OK, so I'm in this relationship for almost a year now. He's muslim and I'm a non practicing christian. The thing is, I have been warned time and time again.... but he's so lovely.... never met anyone like him. My son adores him.

So the problems start with the fact I'm a black single mum who refuses to convert for the sake of the relationship because I think it's unfair to my upbringing and a disrespect to the religion. We were friends for a long time and I tried to resist it turning into something more... but as I mentioned he is adorable. He told his mum who took it well... but his dad sounds like the most insensitive thing you could ever imagine, not to mention his brother who teases him for going out with a 'black girl'. AIBU to sometimes wonder why I put myself in this situation and to sometimes think that the future with him may not be so bright? He doesn't want me to convert or change in any way, but he sh*ts his pants at the thought of his dad finding out

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 21/04/2011 00:03

I have nothing worthwhile to say except that I wish you the best!

I was in total love with a fabulous, gorgeous boy when I was in high school. He was a devout Mormon though, and wouldn't date unless there was a chance of conversion. I really loved him; we're still friends. (On facebook anyway :) ) I'm glad the way things turned out because now I have DH and DS, of course, but...a part of me will still be really sad on the day he gets married.

Best of luck! And his brother sounds like an arse. Angry Maybe get his mum on your side?

scottishmummy · 21/04/2011 00:05

your boyfriend lets his family be unkind and toxic about you and he takes it?
you dont need this spelt out,you dont need a man who cannot fundamentally stand up and tell his them they have crossed a line

dont romanticise or sentimentalise this as you & mr wonderful against the world. this is you,left to wonder why he cannot behave like a well mannered,kind bf.not some what will daddy say excuse for a bf

you have misgivings,now - well unlikely they will change

this is going nowhere

Original poster
smallmotherbigheart · 21/04/2011 00:08

A lot of the family seem to be like that, whereas a lot of his friends are more supportive. They have looked at the person that I am rather than my colour. Apparently he posed a question to his sister about marrying outside of his race and her reply was "Well, as long as their muslim its ok" Confused

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HerHissyness · 21/04/2011 00:13

TBH, the signs are all there to tell you to back away. Rascist issues, religious pressure and you have your own child to think of. A child that is NOT his. You have a past Shock usually not ideal to put it mildly when Islam is involved. Grin

IF got more serious with him, the pressure UPON upon him could ramp up immeasurably. IF you had a child with this man, you kind of HAVE to bring him/her as a muslim.

I'd also worry, deeply worry, about what kind of a father this bloke would make to your DS and to any coming DC if his own father is so feared. What the hell did this man do to him?

My X is egyptian. I lived there for 3 years. On my own personal experience and observation, I would not recommend them as partners nor parents. Of course I can't talk for other nations, obviously, but based on the stuff that I went through over there, raising MY son to be a muslim is now no longer on my list of responsibilities.

A year is not long enough to weigh up this kind of situation, really it's not. My X was OK for the first year or so, but the more serious our relationship got, the more abusive he got. My X family are dead, they had no influence naturally, but I have seen at close quarters the manipulation, abuse and harassment parents will go to to ensure their offspring do what they are told. Your DP is scared for a reason. You are worried for a reason.

Trust your gut feeling

scottishmummy · 21/04/2011 00:14

yes,but as adult & son he can tell parents he loves them but doesn't share their views.

where do you want all this to go?how do you hope this all resolves
how are they about you & your son?

marrying outside his race?but muslim isnt a race- it is cultural,religious and ideological

HerHissyness · 21/04/2011 00:23

OK, imagine the damage this will do to your self esteem over time? Not massive to your face attacks, or though I wouldn't be surprised if it did happen. sadly.

So you are with someone who you like, who belongs to a family that on some level(s) doesn't think you are good enough for their boy.

Not the right religion - so bless you, you end up converting, but then there is the other issue... your colour. Then the DS from another relationship.

Honey, we all know there is nothing at all the matter with any aspect of YOU as a person, whatever religion you are, whatever colour you are or whatever your family history. it's YOUR business. Trouble is, they are showing signs of disapproval, and it'll get worse.

My concern is that even if it's very subtle, the slight knowledge that they are looking down on you out of religious or racial bigotry, will harm your self esteem long term, and you yourself won't have the power to stand up for yourself against his family. He already isn't standing up for you, he is only putting his toe in the water. After his sister said "Well, as long as they're muslim its ok" WHERE was his "..and if they're not???? WHAT???" Challenge

Quite simply YOU are better than this relationship! YOU don't need to settle for this, you need to be with a man who whole heartedly loves you and respects you, and is willing to stand on the top of a mountain and shout it for all the world to hear, not cower behind the sofa if his Dad rings.

Original poster
smallmotherbigheart · 21/04/2011 00:24

I know muslim isnt a race, but it appears the bigger problems are race related, as his brother points out. HerHissyness, I take on your points and ur right I am worried for a reason. He challenges his dad a lot, which I think has made him resent him a little, and I think this may contribute to his problems. My DP is a mouthy lil so and so, regularly tells his parents that he's not strictly partial to asian girls, but they must obviously think its a joke! Apart from his mum, of course who told him that she knew this already

OP posts:
Original poster
smallmotherbigheart · 21/04/2011 00:26

HerHissyness you are refreshing!! Because this is all the stuff that I think about, I have never been in this situation before.... all my exes parents never had a problem with me.... :(

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scottishmummy · 21/04/2011 00:28

fact you're worried and posting this,speaks volumes
sorry but it all sound about him and his family and you got to fit in with them
where do you want this to go?do you see this long term relationship
is he using you in some way to get at family,being bit provocative?

scottishmummy · 21/04/2011 00:32

if you and he have children,what will you both do re: faith?will he or his family expect conversion

HerHissyness · 21/04/2011 00:33

I think they are hoping he'll grow out of it and get bored with the rebellion that is going out with someone he knows they won't approve of.

There will always be something.

Don't get sucked into this, really, it'll screw you up and you have your DS to think of.

It's not YOU, none of this, this is all about THEM.

HerHissyness · 21/04/2011 00:35

SM: technically if you have a child with a muslim, it's deemed essential to bring up the child as a muslim. I can't see any signs in this OP that there would be any less of an expectation.

VajazzHands · 21/04/2011 00:35

Personally I would see it as a non starter as you will have a life time of hassle from his family.

Original poster
smallmotherbigheart · 21/04/2011 00:35

LOL, I layed down the law on that from the very beginning. I told him no matter what happens I'm never converting.... seriously, I said if you want me you have to take me as I am, I won't change the way I dress, the way I act or anything. I said if it comes to it I'll respect ur parents as I would in any other situation, but I'm nt changing for anyone. My friend was in the same boat as me, shes with a muslim but she converted. They recently got married but she doesn't talk to us anymore. She's not the same person at all, all because of him. She doesnt call us, never even invited us to her wedding and yet she used to call me her best friend. She is a constant reminder of everything I never want to be x

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HerHissyness · 21/04/2011 00:38

vajazzhands.. your nickname made me pmsl! Fantastic!

smallmother: oh the dress... haven't even started on that have I? I must have forgotten Confused already? fantastic! I'm recovering then! Grin

Like I said, you are looking at a path I personally would not recommend,you have your friend as an example.

scottishmummy · 21/04/2011 00:39

is this serious for him,or some statement and defiance to family. forgive me if its cruel but is he getting at them having fun,being naught and you are the manifestation of that. good muslim boy acting out for attention.maybe his folks tolerate this thinking its his bad boy phase

realistically,where do you see this going long term?given you have a son you have to tread carefully before he son gets too attached or familiar

firstsupermum · 21/04/2011 00:40

you have to think good about it, he is not forcing you to became a muslin, so the religion its not problem, i know a lotof muslim men they are a realy nice same as any other religion, the problem now is you skin color that his family are teasing him about, this has to stop, and they have to give you a respect. thats racism, dont allow it to happen to you.

MsToni · 21/04/2011 00:40

YANBU.

Being accepted as you are should be the foundation of any relationship you go into. If its lacking, believe me, its not going to change. And changing to please a man (or his family) is a mistake.

I'd follow your gut instinct and nip it in the bud. Especially considering your boyfriend cannot even stand up for you with his family.

Goodluck...xxx

cantspel · 21/04/2011 00:42

Is he a practising muslim? The praying 5 times a day, mosque on fridays ect or is he just a muslim by birth.

MsToni · 21/04/2011 00:46

If he was a practicing muslim, I suspect he wouldn't take up with a non-believer. The fact that "he shits his pants at his dad finding out" is a red signal.

Virgowoo · 21/04/2011 00:48

And waits for the Islam bashers to roll up...

It doesn't necessarily follow that an interfaith relationship leads to attempts to indoctrinate like it's some kind of cult. There is no requirement in Islam for a wife to convert, just an expectation that a Muslim man brings his children up in his religion, just like RC. That's not to say that your Partner's family feel this way.. as demonstrated by his sister's comment.

I think you need to set aside the religion and race question and think about what response you would get on this board if you had asked the question:

AIBU to be involved seriously with a man that is keeping our relationship secret from his Father because he would not approve?

Do you think that difficulty with his family will lead to him having to make a choice between you and them? Do you want to deal with the possible fall out from that?

cantspel · 21/04/2011 00:52

The op is christian so there would be no bar from marrying her in his faith. But the fact he is not willing to stand up to his family when they make racist remarks is a big red light for me.
You also have your son to consider. Do you really want him around racists?

Original poster
smallmotherbigheart · 21/04/2011 01:57

Virgowoo, I understand what you are saying about race and religion, however it is very difficult to ignore because unfortunately people use these as an excuse for their behaviour and their vision of the ideal wife or partner. It is also an issue because even though my dp and I think that religion is left out the door because we are from different faiths, his family may not see it the same way (if we even get there). I may think he's wonderful, but I have to consider whether this is going to be a big problem.

I have been in a position where I used to have to hide my boyfriends from my mum; not because of religious factors but just because she was very strict about it. I can understand his caution with regards to telling his dad to a certain extent, the question is whether I want to remain in that position, and how long for!!

The relationship with my ex partner turned really sour, he's been a bad father to his son and an even worse partner. His family (christians also) accepted me wholeheartedly but did nothing about his behaviour towards me or his son.

My current dp has been really understanding of my situation, even willing to help me a lot. His mates have also been great. I'm trying to weigh up my options. My mum has met him and despite her concerns she thinks hes lovely, and she is not easy to please at all. I'm a really strong person, my ex tries to torment me but I never let him get the better of me. I just want to start fresh and be happy and I have promised myself that I would only choose someone on the basis that they have my well being and happiness at heart. Aside from this, he has been wonderful.... should I really leave him because of his familly? Btw his cousin is lovely, and does not see anything wrong with our relationship

OP posts:
ninedragons · 21/04/2011 04:27

A pre-requisite for a healthy and enduring marriage is a context of social support.

Religion is not the issue. I know someone who married a man of a different race & religion (not Muslim) and at her son's first birthday party, caught her MIL introducing her DH to a "more suitable" woman. Do you really want that for yourself?

iwantadogbutarabbitwoulddo · 21/04/2011 04:46

You're going out with a man and not his family. If he loves you and you're prepared for life to be a little bit more difficult, then go for it. Please remember that really lovely men are difficult to come by. Family problems are little in comparison to man issues.

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