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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to deliver this bad news to my parents

50 replies

likingthespring · 20/04/2011 22:07

Parents are on holiday abroad until next Tuesday. My Mum texted me earlier to contact the daughter of a close relative who's been seriously ill. I've just spoken to the daughter who told me her Mum died this afternoon. Now I'm in a dilema - should I tell my parents or wait until they get home?

OP posts:
dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 20/04/2011 22:09

Wait until they get home. There is nothing they can do.

squeakytoy · 20/04/2011 22:09

I would tell them the truth.

PonceyMcPonce · 20/04/2011 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

heliumballoons · 20/04/2011 22:11

I would ring your parents/ or text them to ring you. Not the sort of info to be given by text - but yes, I think they should know.

Sorry for your families loss. Sad

PonceyMcPonce · 20/04/2011 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 20/04/2011 22:12

how sad.tell them they are adults is up to them to decide what to do

onepieceofcremeegg · 20/04/2011 22:13

Are you likely to be in contact with your mother before she returns? If not, then in your position I wouldn't make a special call to tell her.

Otoh if she rings you, and is likely to ask, you could say something like " ifthere was bad news mum would you rather wait and hear it on Tuesday?"

I don't think you should lie if she asks you directly

Your mum possibly should have thought this through before texting you; possibly she is prepared for bad news?

Strumpypumpy · 20/04/2011 22:13

Ring them. Talk is better than text. Let them decide.

androbbob · 20/04/2011 22:13

Maybe your mum kind of 'knew' that her relative was dying. It would be kinder to let her know as she as asked but not by text - more a quick text to ask her to call you. The funeral would probably be after they are back from hols anyway so no need for them to rush back. May well spoil her holiday - but you know whichever you do it will be wrong in your Mum's eyes. Hard to call.

squeakytoy · 20/04/2011 22:13

If other family members have your mums mobile number, there is every chance that they could ring or text her, or she may ring them, hence my opinion that it is best if you tell her yourself as soon as you can.

onepieceofcremeegg · 20/04/2011 22:14

p.s I was in a similar suggestion and my mother rang me several times. Sadly her friend did die while she was away and because my mum kept ringing me I had to tell her the truth (on the basis that as she kept ringing she obviously wanted to know)

MsHighwater · 20/04/2011 22:16

Your parents are adults. Tell them the truth and let them decide what to do about it. It's not your decision to make for them.

HeadfirstForHalos · 20/04/2011 22:16

Don't tell them. Chances are they won't be able to make it back, and it will just spoil their holiday.

My fil's only brother died when they were in Singapore, 1 week into a 3 week holiday, they looked into flights to get back for the funeral, but couldn't get one in time. It just made them miserable and we really regret telling them to this day, it made no difference other than to spoil their holiday.

His brother wouldn't have wanted them to be miserable either.

scottishmummy · 20/04/2011 22:21

wrong to conceal from adults.you must tell,their call what to do

Original poster
likingthespring · 20/04/2011 22:21

Thank you. I'm wondering whether to hang on as long as I can. It's very unlikely that anyone else will tell them and I've just had a message from my Mum to say what a lovely time they are having. At the moment, all she knows is that I left a message on the daughter's voicemail and was waiting to hear back.

OP posts:
ChocolateEggyrolls · 20/04/2011 22:24

I'm sorry I disagree, I think you should tell them. If it were the other way round wouldn't you prefer to know than not? either way there isn't anything that they can do but I would be very upset to find out on my return especially as they have asked about the relative. sorry for you loss.

Bohica · 20/04/2011 22:25

I would tell her, it is obviously something that has been on her mind.
If she was seriously ill then your mum is probably half expecting it & is just waiting to know.

skybluepearl · 20/04/2011 22:26

i'dl eave it then for a few days but make sure they are around for the funeral.

igetmorelovefromthecat · 20/04/2011 22:29

Ooh it's a toughy. I went to Spain a few years ago with a load of mates, they all went the week before me as I had DD and I didn't want to leave her for 2 weeks, but during that first week one of our friends died of a drug overdose.

No-one there had heard the news but I felt like I had to tell them as they were all friends with the guy who died.

But most people were pretty pissed off with me and thought I was being really selfish by telling them as there was nothing that anyone could do, the funeral wasn't until well after we were going to get back. The news did put a downer on the rest of the holiday, I have to say.

I guess only you know your parents and you have to guage the situation and do what you think is best, you are kind of damned if you do and damned if you don't though.

penguin73 · 20/04/2011 22:34

If they will be back in time for the funeral and would not be involved in arranging it then I am with the 'wait until they come back' side. That said I wouldn't lie - if she asks you whether you have heard anything then you should tell her.

CurrySpice · 20/04/2011 22:37

Depends who the "close relative" is I guess. It's a really tough one and I don't think anyone would blame you whichever decision you too, as you are doing it with the best intentions

fit2drop · 20/04/2011 22:39

Its a close relative, they need to know,
on the basis mum felt it important enough to ask you to get info, then its important enough to her to be told,

sorry for the family loss, its always difficult at these times.

bubblecoral · 20/04/2011 22:39

I had a simelar situation a few weeks ago, and made the difficult descision to tell. A friend of ours was travelling alone, although he knew some people where he was staying, and I contacted them so that they could tell him that another friend of ours had died. He thanked me after for telling him, and he was glad that I got in touch and made sure he would have people to be with him.

Each situation is different, go with your instinct.

morelovefromthecat I'm shocked that friends would tell you that you were selfish, that's really unkind of them.

AuntiePickleBottom · 20/04/2011 22:41

i would want to know, there is always other hoildays your parent can go on

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 20/04/2011 22:44

Tell them.

I'd be amazed if the funeral is before they're home, especially with 2 Bank Holidays inbetween then and now.