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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to deliver this bad news to my parents

50 replies

likingthespring · 20/04/2011 22:07

Parents are on holiday abroad until next Tuesday. My Mum texted me earlier to contact the daughter of a close relative who's been seriously ill. I've just spoken to the daughter who told me her Mum died this afternoon. Now I'm in a dilema - should I tell my parents or wait until they get home?

OP posts:

meditrina · 20/04/2011 22:48

I would tell them.

Your mother has already texted once, and may well ask again - especially if her first text explicitly asked for news or carried the implication she would expect it.

It's horrid to be the bringer of bad news, and you could put it off a bit (and give yourself time to rehearse what words you'll use). But it will have to be done at some point. Perhaps when you know when the funeral will be? (So they can either alter their plans, or know for sure they don't need to).

I hope it goes well at such a difficult time.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 20/04/2011 22:54

I agree with the other posts you should tell them they would want to know holidays come and go but family is a different matter. I m sorry for your families loss.

aurynne · 20/04/2011 22:59

An alternative solution: can you talk to your Dad and tell him, and let him decide if it's in your Mum's best interest to know? I have found that men take this news with a more level head and, as he is there with her, may find the appropriate time to tell her in his own words.

zipzap · 20/04/2011 23:31

When my dad died a couple of very close family friends were abroad and not able to get back for the funeral. They had been told - we'd told their son who thought they would want to know so they weren't denied the choice of going to the funeral.

They were really glad they had been told even though they couldn't make it. When the funeral was on they bought a bottle of champagne and found a lovely spot overlooking the sea where they had been on walks with my parents in the past and sat and toasted him and remembered all the good times. It was nice knowing they were there for dad in spirit even though they couldnt make the actual funeral...

But you know your parents and whether or not it will be right to tell them.

MsHighwater · 20/04/2011 23:32

igetmorelovefromthecat, the friends who resented you "putting a downer" on their holiday are arses. Not good examples of appropriate behaviour. You did right to tell them and the OP will do right if she tells her parents the sad news. As I said before, they are adults and it is their call what to do. I would expect them to want to know when the funeral is and will make their choice according to that and to how close the relative who has died is.

nightowlmostly · 21/04/2011 05:16

To be honest, you have to tell your mum the truth. She has specifically texted to ask for the information, the decent thing to do is to give it to her. Obviously it is important to her to know, or she wouldn't be texting from her holiday. Chances are, she's probably worrying about said relative during her holiday anyway.

I know it feels shit to give bad news to holidaying people, but it's not out of the blue and she has asked to know already.

Sorry for the loss to your family x

sunnydelight · 21/04/2011 05:42

Your mum has asked, so I think you need to tell her tbh. I appreciate your not wanting to ruin their holiday but they do have a right to know.

Where I am from funerals are arranged in 2/3 days unless there are people travelling from overseas. Do make sure, if you decide not to tell, that there is no risk of them missing the funeral.

MackerelOfFact · 21/04/2011 07:36

I would tell her, since she is asking. The fact that she clearly does want to know makes it easier, IMO. I have just been away for a week and my Nan has been very ill in hospital, and in a way the worrying and second-guessing was almost as bad. Obviously the news will be very sad for her to hear, but she is expecting it and it's obviously weighing heavily on her mind.

iscream · 21/04/2011 07:42

I would tell her. She may want to call up the daughter or if there is a husband.partner, to offer condolences, or perhaps need you to order flowers or something.

QuickLookBusy · 21/04/2011 07:53

I would tell her.

I expect the funeral will be very soon after they back. It will be a real shock for her to find out one day and then go to the funeral the next. She will need a bit of time for the news to settle in.

BluddyMoFo · 21/04/2011 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 21/04/2011 08:38

How easy would it be for your parents to get home? If they are in France on holiday then it will be easy but if they are further afield they may not be able to get a flight, and the cost may be extortionate. I doubt travel insurance would cover the costs. They may be stuck on holiday thoroughly miserable. It is only a few days. I would avoid telling them as they are home soon.

unluckyinlove · 21/04/2011 08:44

You just have to tell her, please do it...

Imagine how you would feel coming back from a holiday and maybe having one day to find a suitable dress for a funeral, have hair done, etc.

Your mum is aware of the situation, that's why she contacted you. She'd want you to do it and not feel you have to shelter her. In fact I think she'd be more upset if you hid it. She understands, and she understands how you're feeling. You have to do it.

Collegemum38 · 21/04/2011 08:50

I would delay telling them. They are unlikely to get home before Tuesday and the less time they have in "resort" being miserable & unable to do anything the better.

Insurance will not cover their return unless they declared the deceased illness prior to departure.

I would leave it as it is - you have left a message. Only if and when yiur mum asks if you have heard anything would I then call and break the news.
Its a tough situation and the funeral is unlikely to be before the end of next week with the bank holidays - probably well into May tbh. They can do nothing where they are, they will be in limbo stuck there, unlikely to get a flight home even if they pay off their own back as this is a busy easter bank holiday weekend.

You are not lieing or being deceitful. You are trying to lesson their discomfort and have less time on a "ruined" holiday.

It maybe your mum may contact you later today/tomorrow asking if you have heard anything - and if so tell her, she already will have 1 less day stuck in limbo, the longer you can delay though IMO the better, although dont avoid any more, & you will need to tell them the instant they land back in the UK before she gets a chance to try and make contact with the family herself.

sausagesandmarmelade · 21/04/2011 08:52

I think I'd be inclined to wait until they came home....unless she pressed the issue and texted again about her.

There's nothing worse than being trapped abroad in a situation like this knowing there's little you can do.....and it will ruin the rest of the holiday.

lilibet · 21/04/2011 08:56

I think aurynne has the best idea, tell your dad. He can then find an appropriate time to tell your mum or may decide not to.

Sorry for your loss.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 21/04/2011 09:01

Tell them, they are not children and your mother has specifically asked. I'd be livid if I came home and found that something like that had been kept from me. I can't believe people think it's ok to keep them in the dark.

Groovee · 21/04/2011 09:04

My aunt died while my parents were away and I called them and told them as they would have wanted to know. Unfortunately they weren't answering their mobiles and kept going to answer phones.

jeckadeck · 21/04/2011 09:22

I would tell them. As your mum asked you to get in touch she's obviously looking for an update on the situation. If you don't tell her I think she'll be pissed off. I would be anyway.

lljkk · 21/04/2011 09:33

I dare say your Mum has dealt with plenty of death over the years, she will be able to put it in context and not let it ruin her holiday (presuming it's not her own child, that's one nobody can put into context). So I would tell her because she asked for updates.

edam · 21/04/2011 09:53

I agree with the posters who have said you should tell. Since your Mother has asked specifically.

To be honest, I don't understand all this 'oh, don't tell, it will spoil the holiday'. Is a holiday really more important than a close relative's death? People are going to be sad when a relative dies whenever they are told and wherever they are. But anyway, in this case, your mother has asked so she obviously wants to know.

bemybebe · 21/04/2011 10:43

Goodness. Tell your mum, after all she asked you to get in touch with the daughter of this relative. I think withholding this information is very patronising, however well-meaning. I would be VERY offended and upset if anyone close to me done this. As for coming back before the end of the holiday or not it is your mother's decision to make.

ChocolateEggyrolls · 21/04/2011 11:33

Can I just ask, are you worried about her reaction on the phone? It is obvious that your relative was very ill although I am not sure if it was expected or not.

Believe me, telling your mother will be hard and probably quite emotional depending on the relative, but you must tell her. Not only for their sake but also for your relatives who are grieving. They know you have asked and been told and might now find it strange that they haven't heard from your parents.
I appreciate that it is a hard call to make, I too have had to make devastating phonecalls to family members and it isn't easy.

ChocHobNob · 21/04/2011 13:27

I was a few days into a holiday when my grandad died and my Mum chose to tell me straight away. I'm glad she did. I wouldn't have been angry at her for "putting a downer on my holiday"! THAT would be selfish of me, IMO.

I would tell them, maybe tell your Dad as someone suggested. It was nicer that my Mum was able to take me to our room alone and explain what happened, rather than having to be told over the phone, possible somewhere public.

marcopront · 21/04/2011 16:03

I agree with those who have said tell.

I was staying in my Dad and Step Mum's house while they were on holiday. I found an answer phone message from a friend of hers saying her husband had died. After speaking to my step brother I decided to text them and ask them to call. Unfortunately they hadn't taken the mobile with them but did tell me later that I did the right thing texting them. They had however sent a postcard to the couple from their holiday.

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