To phone the police & ask them to go to my mothers house?

[Bohica]

I'm miles away with no car today & 3 children in bed.
I've had a call to tell me that my mother has not been seen or spoken to since yesterday.

My mother is an alcholic, she is attending AA meetings & has been clear for 3 months.

When I last spoke to her on monday she was feeling down with everything & said she had had a drink on saturday. I told her to go to extra meetings & do everything she could to get things back on track quickly.

She phoned work & friends yesterday telling them she wasn't going to work that day as she was going to the hospital (priory) for a day visit, now I know that's not true because they know she has had a drink so she isn't allowed onsite for 5 days.

A friend of the family went to my mothers home yesterday evening & heard her talking to herself trough the open bedroom window & cursing the phone that kept ringing (that was me calling her)

I know we can't stop her drinking even though it is heart breaking for us all but I can't get the thought that maybe she has fallen over drunk or done something even more stupid out of my head.

I don't have a key to get into her home even if I could find a way of getting to her.

have PMd you

unMN [hugs]

Bohica, I have no idea about the white taxis but it's entirely possible that a long bender could result in psychosis.

Do you have the numbers of anyone that she goes to AA with, because they would be able to help you (I go to AA). If you don't, try their helpline 0845 769 7555. They will be able to advise you, and possibly even get in touch with someone from the meetings that she's attended.

You did the right thing. I had to get the police to call on my father as I live 300 miles away. Sadly, the out come was not a happy one.

oh god, i had the same, my father was convinced the neighbours were looking in the windows at him and shouting in and that they were trying to get him an asbo?, (they were all old pesioners) and knew nothing of it, in my father it was the result of drinking and damaging the liver, therefore sending toxins to his brain causing it to swell and cause confusion etc, i had all the same as you, calls all night and crying one minute, threatening the next!

I can only offer you sympathy and if i were you, i'd call her GP says you are concerned about her wellbeing in the house or even the police again.

Hope your mum gets sorted soon :( for you

I'm glad the police were helpful to you. However, the aftermath - the recriminations from your mother and her pal - make me wonder about the longer term for you.

As someone whose family has been plagued by alcohol and the behaviour it results in - attention-seeking dramas, fallings out, the horrible manipulative communications, the pathos and bathos and all the rest - I would offer the view that at some point, eventually, a lot of grown-up daughters simply leave the parent to get on with destroying themselves. I have removed myself and my children very much from the damaging orbit of various members of my family including my own parents and while it breaks my heart on one level and I feel guilty a lot of the time, I also know that it was them (the drinker/maipulator) or me.

I don't know if anyone else has had to let someone go from their lives like this? It's certainly not the easy option but sometimes it's the necessary one. A drinker can only be stopped by themselves. And sometimes they won't stop and you have to walk away. I'm not a hard cow. I just felt myself going under.

LineRunner, you sometimes have to walk away like you said, before my Dad died last April the last few months, i literally tried to ignore it, because there is simply nothing i could do, if i got him to hospital he discharged himself, so i gave up, and in the end he died.

You have to put you and "your" family first, as a drinker will only do as they want to!

I feel for you. My DH is a recovering alcoholic and often supports others as part of the 12 step programme. Do you know who your mum's sponsor is? They and your mum's other AA friends should very much be around and supporting her at the moment. That is what they do.

Thank you for all your kind replys, it's horrid to read how many of you are suffering.

I have spoken to my mothers AA people & they basically told me she is refusing any help from them.

I then spoke to her GP who was fantastic & offered a home visit so I managed to sort childcare & get a car & went to meet the gp & my mother, I hardly recognised her

The gp wants her to go the hospital but she flat out refuses & has no memory of what happened last night.

I have had to come home because the children needed me but I have left her with a friend & the phsych team are visiting her at 5pm.

She was such a mess, like a child really.

linerunner I have distanced myself from my mother for years now & I guess I'm just waiting for the worst thing to happen because I can't really see a happy ending, My mother has always drank but now it's night & day & it's all such a sad horrible mess

Oh Bohica :( what a sad story

I'm glad the GP was such a star and I hope the physch team can help

They have sectioned her

At least that will give her time to at least dry out again.

I've had some fantastic advice via pm from some of you & I really appreciate it.
I don't know what will happen now & I am at home again so I have decided not to go to the hospital with her which was a difficult choice but I need to be with my children.

I will also not go to her house & tidy it up like I had decided to do, she needs to see the house with sober eyes & realize what she is creating with her choices - again advice from a lovely MN'er.

I know it's upsetting, but being sectioned is probably the best thing to happen for her. It'll force her to detox and when her mind is clearer she may very well find her way back to AA. Take care of yourself.

Bohica, that is awful that you've been so worried, and felt helpless as you've three little ones in the house. It sounds like you've done the right thing though staying with your children rather than tidying her house for her. I have had to do the same with my alcoholic mother and stepfather as LineRunner has had to do with her family, they have a lovely grandson they don't know because they wont stop drinking and blaming everyone else around them for there problems. And my partner has also had to do the same recently with his mother as he couldn't take it anymore either.

Well done, Bohica, life has dealt you (and your Mum) a shit hand here and you've done the right things with the right motives. I would normally encourage you to have a big glass of wine but it feels wildly inappropriate in the circs. But DO stand tall.

Grovel I do indeed have a large glass pf wine to hand but I also have a healthy attitude towards it.

I have never understood why my mother has never seemed interested in her 3 beautiful grandchildren, they could fill her life in such a positive way but instead I have had to keep them all away from her, they call her nanny work because every time they asked to see her I told them she was working, they don't ask anymore.

One thing I have wondered is if I should tell my dad, they are seperated & have no contact. I don't really have any contact with him either but that's a whole new thread.

I also found a lot of bills lying around the house & she obviously owes a few companies money. Should I step in & send some letters off or just leave it?

Thank you all again, I know I keep saying it but you have all really helped.

I think contacting your dad is a positive thing, are they married? If so then he will still be her legal next of kin and may be able to sort some of her financial issues out, or at least stop any of them escalating.

And enjoy your wine, and your healthy relationship with alcohol.

You say she's been sectioned, has this happened to her before?

Bohica I've just read this whole thread and feel very sad for you. I'm glad that you're getting such good advice on here and PM.

"I will also not go to her house & tidy it up like I had decided to do, she needs to see the house with sober eyes & realize what she is creating with her choices - again advice from a lovely MN'er."

I agree with this absolutely, and

"I also found a lot of bills lying around the house & she obviously owes a few companies money. Should I step in & send some letters off or just leave it?"

yes I feel that you should just leave it. This is your mother - an adult who is making choices about how she lives her life - not your child. I know it's really hard, but I don't think you are helping her (or you, more to the point) long term by picking up the pieces of the life that she is choosing to shatter. I struggled for years with my dad trying to persuade him to stop drinking - but the fact is, he just didn't want to. Eventually I took a step back and accepted that I couldn't make him change, and I felt relieved not to have that responsibility any more. No child should bear the responsibility of their parents' self destruction.

What a horrible situation for you. I'm sending you a big virtual hug.

If you tidy her house and pay her bills then you will be enabling her. It's one thing to get her the psychiatric help she needs but she must face up to the consequences of her drinking, otherwise she'll expect you to pick up the pieces if it happens again and it will be easier for her to do it again if she doesn't take the responsibility herself.

I'm not sure that contacting your dad is a good way to go, if they're not involved any more I don't suppose it's much to do with him?

ILoveYouToo

what you say about being an adult and making choices is spot on.

I posted too soon, about the bills etc. I meant your dad, OP, could take this responsibility away from you, i think we'd all do something similar if a relative went into hospital, whatever the reason.

Beaker they are no longer married so it would be pointless in contacting him really, I just wanted to tell someone in RL I suppose.

My heart is telling me to try & make it better but you are very true ILove she is not my daughter, I already have 3 of those to pick up after! And Golly your words feel harsh but true & the last thing I want is to enable her which I sort of feel like I have today by jumping in with all guns blazing & getting the doctor in to see her.

She spent 28 days in the Priory 3 months ago but that was paid by her work insurance so I am not sure what will happen now.

if YOU have contact with your dad though, you can tell him, as HIS daughter, no?

sorry, all these bits of advice/stories must have you spinning, but you have certainly NOT enabled her to drink today, she was out of control and you have helped put her in a place where she can regain it.

how's the wine going down? i think i'll join you in a night cap

Im really sorry you are going through this, but unless she admits she has a problem and helps herself there is going to be nothing you can do.

My sons father is an alcoholic, he gave up drinking of his own accord over a year ago, he went cold turkey ended up in hospital as you cannot just stop without medical supervision.

He is now hospitalised with a seriously damaged liver, pancreas damage and diabetes all caused by 15 years of drinking and not even spirits.

He wonders why others do not have the medical conditions he has and still drinks, guess it is just luck.

But she has to want your help before you can give it.

Sorry.

Bohica - sorry, i didn't mean to sound harsh especially as you're obviously feeling very vulnerable yourself right now. Perhaps it's because I go to AA myself that I am used to the reality of what alcoholism does to people and I'm not afraid to say it. Sorry again, I hope I didn't upset you x

Bohica, I have been through exactly what are you are going through with my father. It's a horrible situation and it sounds like you are doing all you can to help your mum.

But....I reiterate what a lot of the other poster have said on here, you must look after yourself and your kids. There is only so much you can do. I felt terrible guilt towards the end that I couldn't do more for my father but you can only do so much, she needs professional help and she needs to help herself. It's encouraging that she has been sectioned. I hope that is a step forward in getting the help she so desperatley needs and I hope it gives her a wake up call too.

I wouldn't clear up her flat or sort her bills out. I did it for my dad too many times to remember. Everytime I promised myself it was the last one. If you feel too guilty to leave it in the state it is perhaps wait until she is out and do it together so she can see the mess and pain it causes you. Although to be honest I'm not even sure that would have any effect on her. Alcoholics are very good at having split personalites. There is their "drunk self" and the "normal self" and the normal self quite often takes no responsability for what the drunk self has done.

Sorry I'm rambling now but I just want to reassure you that there is nothing more you can do. I really do feel for you. Stay strong.

Golly harsh is good, it stops me driving to the hospital & rocking her to sleep whilst telling her everything will be ok because I am here to sort it all out.

beaker the glass of wine was enjoyed & much needed. I'm having a birthday BBQ for DH tomorrow so hopefully I can concentrate on cooking & playing with the children in the sun knowing mum is in a safe place.

Eliza & Fabby I am amazed how many of us have such tragic stories to share. I think I might start a new thread, a support thread "Support for those who have alcholic parents/partners" I won't do it tonight though.

For the millionth time....... Thank you all.