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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I'm unreasonable, but it is justified

43 replies

GreatBallsOfFluff · 20/04/2011 19:20

I'm semi seeing someone at the moment. The reason I say 'semi' is that having been on my own for the past 5 years, I am more than comfortable and happy staying like that. Plus I don't have the time to try and fit anyone else into my life at the moment. All of which I have told him but he still seems very keen and is trying to please me although not in an 'in my face' way. He listens to everything I tell him and takes it on board. It's only been a couple of months anyway, so nothing serious.

Now to my unreasonable-ness...

It's my birthday at the weekend and today when we met for lunch he asked me what date I was going on holiday. I told him and he said "oh no, I thought so but I had a surprise for you". It transpires he had bought me tickets to see someone live whom he knew I wanted to see, but it's at a time whilst I'm away. That was no problem at all, we were both apologetic about it, him saying he should have checked the dates as he knew I was going away, and me for being away when he wanted to surprise me.

What annoyed me though is that he booked the tickets without a thought as to what I would do with my DD on this night out. He knows I have knows I have no family around, and ex only has DD one night a fortnight. It actually made me really quite cross having always made it clear that first in my life is DD and also how much time in my life is taken with DD and that as lovely as it was to try and surprise me like that (in fact it's the first time - that I can remember - that anyone has surprised me like that before), he needs to understand that it just doesn't work like that for a single parent.

I didn't tell him this at the time as it only dawned on me afterwards but I'm stewing about it now. So yes, I am unreasonable, but don't you agree that it's justified?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 20/04/2011 19:23

No, I dont think it is justified, to be honest.

notsoqueenofclean · 20/04/2011 19:24

Nope. He arranged a nice treat for you, albeit at a time when you were away. Your DD is not his problem and he probably thought if you wanted to see the live act that badly, you would sort something out either with your ex or with a friend.

I think you are being pretty mean about it actually.

JojoLapin · 20/04/2011 19:25

Do you never use sitters?

marmaladetwatkins · 20/04/2011 19:26

Hmmmm. Tricky one. He thought he was doing something nice for you and probably overlooked the babysitting issue, or maybe he (wrongly) thought you may have been able to swap days with your ex-P.

I have similar issues with childless friends. They forget I can't go for an impromptu piss-up drink after work any more. Just yesterday, they were saying "ooh we can have a curry night at X's on thursday as we're all off work friday!" Yeah, but I've still got a son to get looked after. Hmm Sometimes it boils my piss but I know that essentially, they just want to spend time with me and they forget that I'm a mum now.

Fontsnob · 20/04/2011 19:26

Yabu and I'm not sure it is justified. He did something nice for you that he didn't think through the whole way. That's all. He didn't ask you to leave your dd on her own for the night.

CrapBag · 20/04/2011 19:26

No it isn't justified.

You are the single parent, not him. You can't expect him to immediately think like you do. He was trying to do something nice for you and you don't seem to appreciate that at all.

CheerfulYank · 20/04/2011 19:26

Nope, not justified.

YABU.

Happy Birthday, though! :)

marmaladetwatkins · 20/04/2011 19:27

And on reflection, he sounds really nice. If you've no use for him, pass him onto someone who does Wink

TheOriginalFAB · 20/04/2011 19:27

No, it isn't justified. He was thinking of you and was carried away at the thought of treating and surprising the woman he really likes.

onehotmomma · 20/04/2011 19:27

It's not justifed imo

Littlefish · 20/04/2011 19:28

No, I don't think it's justified either.

He was trying to do something nice for you.

LaurieFairyCake · 20/04/2011 19:28

You are extrapolating too much from it

To him it's just 'how fab, can't wait to take her' - it is not that he is ACTIVELY not thinking of your dd, it's just that it would take him a while to always factor her in first.

To be fair I would assume that hiring a babysitter for something extremely special would be possible.

jojowest · 20/04/2011 19:28

unreasonable

scottishmummy · 20/04/2011 19:30

yabu,he tried to be spontaneous and you're griping. picking anc finding fault were none exist

CareyFakes · 20/04/2011 19:33

Unreasonable, absolutely. He was doing something nice, he wanted to make you happy.

I'm a lone parent, I would be thrilled with anyone doing a nice surprise regardless of whether they had taken into account my situation, I would be grateful but gutted I couldn't go.

DD comes first with me, but I would be flattered.

Original poster
GreatBallsOfFluff · 20/04/2011 19:33

You're all totally right I guess

Crapbag (love the name btw) For some reason the way you've written it has made me realise that I would have been EXACTLY the same before I had DD and wouldn't have thought about things like that.

I think I need to pop over to relationships for advice because I seem to be doing everything I can to push him away even though he really is such a lovely thoughtful man ... I just try to find reasons why it wouldn't work and not even try.

Thanks everyone Grin

Thanks Cheerful Yank for the birthday wish

Marmaladetwatkins I shall give you his number if nothing every comes of it Wink

OP posts:
52Girls · 20/04/2011 19:33

He just wanted to do something nice for you so cut him some slack.

I'm guessing he thought you'd be so pleased you'd pull out all the stops to arrange childcare for one night.

moondog · 20/04/2011 19:33

Poor bloke.
He sounds lovely.
He'll not hang around long if you continue to act in such an ungracious manner though.

TidyDancer · 20/04/2011 19:35

I don't think it's justified either tbh. He did a nice thing, and you're mad at him. Not really on.

TidyDancer · 20/04/2011 19:35

X-posts! Well done for taking this on the chin!

Tabliope · 20/04/2011 19:35

You say it only dawned on you afterwards, and you're her mother so it's not surprising it didn't dawn on him when he bought the tickets.

maighdlin · 20/04/2011 19:36

YABU. It was one night. Surely you could have got a babysitter just for that one night. Plus if you only semi-seeing him he is probably aware that you have a DD but not fully aware of what that all entails IYSWIM. It would be hard for a single child free man to know what being a parent is all about when he is not involved like that.

Original poster
GreatBallsOfFluff · 20/04/2011 19:39

That's true tabliope Blush Blush Blush

Ok so definitely shouldn't be angry and should be more grateful and appreciative.

OP posts:
beesimo · 20/04/2011 19:39

Young woman you are behaving like a silly fool, if you don't let love into your life you will end up living a life without love in it. Is that REALLY what you want. A decent man who clearly has feelings for you comes along tries to make you happy by doing something 'nice' for you and what do you do.... pick holes in his behaviour and critise him. You will never get a perfect lad you have to train them up, you may be looking for a Brad Pitt type before you make space in your life for a man, but I doubt a Brad Pitt is looking for you!

He is sounds a nice class of a lad just give things a chance to grow, don't forget ice princessess end up with frozen hearts and I wouldn't wish that on you OP

Journey · 20/04/2011 19:41

Yabu. I agree with moondog.

You sound very wrapped up in yourself and DD. The guy was doing something nice and you've turned it into something negative. Have you forgotten how to appreciate kindness from others?

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